Dectar’s yearning; my mother
“You see, Venry, this is only for those who are naturally gifted.
You cannot learn that, nor can I, but you will help me.
I want to look down upon everything and everybody who is after darkness; to that end I want to possess a lot of wisdom, and so, I must be able to go where I want to.
I want to be mighty, dear Venry, and see what lives between heaven and earth; it is not until then that I will be satisfied and happy.
But there are some unpleasant things I have to tell you.”
“What is the matter, Dectar?”
“You have to go into the darkness by yourself, Venry, you’ll see neither day nor night.”
“What is the good of it, Dectar?”
“In the world where you’ll presently go to, great danger is always lurking.
We must take all precautions for those who possess these gifts, so that they are prepared, Venry.
So you must be made ready.”
“Why that quickly, Dectar?”
“That is because of your tests, they took good notice
and observed that you have made a lot of progress.
I was told you had to go through this too.”
“Is it useful, Dectar?”
“It certainly is.”
“What do you do when I am shut in?”
“I have got to heal, Venry, there are many sick people.”
“Can I not come with you?”
“No, not yet, maybe later on.”
“What will happen next, Dectar?”
“There will be many more tests.
The first few years will be spent in this manner.
Subsequently, you will make journeys, but if I do not see to it that we are ready, another master will be sent to you; then I can heal and see, but nothing beyond that.
And that is very little, Venry.”
A gloomy influence lay around Dectar, and it seemed to me that he was very sad.
He said to me: “Dectar can see a lot and hear well, Venry, but that is all.
I perfectly realize that I cannot progress any further, for my gifts are exhausted.
I cannot go any deeper, or see anymore, so that I must remain where I am now, and that makes me very sad.
You must help me repair one of my wings, Venry, only then shall I be able to go far away and float in space.
Then I can tell them what I see and that will make me very happy.
Sometimes I want to go far away from Isis and from this earth.
Then I will be there and see everything, but there is a voice in me telling me not to leave.
Oh, Venry, that is terrible for then I cannot see anything anymore.
All my gifts will have gone and I will live in darkness.
There it is neither day nor night and I will go through the process of decay of my own material body.”
“What are you talking about, Dectar?”
“That is still a great mystery to you, Venry, but you will get to know it as soon as you will be conscious of everything.
It is dying and not dying, it is being tied to this body in which I now live, but then this body is dead and I will have to experience what is called dying off.”
“Where do you get these ideas from, Dectar?”
He looked at me in amazement and said: “Do not speak of thoughts, Venry, this is reality.
We know these laws.
From within me a voice tells me not to do so.
Here we get to know these laws, however, other priests have seen it and that is why we know a lot about it.”
“What does that mean, Dectar?”
“That I may not kill myself, Venry.
We must live on earth as long as the Gods deem that appropriate.
Finishing life irrevocably means the flowing away of everything.
Then I have no gifts anymore, no day or night, only my body which lives in a terrible darkness.
I will have to experience that the worms gnaw my body.
What I am cannot be killed, Venry, it lives and must go on living, for there is no death in that other world.
We have known that for a long time and you also know this life now.”
Dectar then told me horrible things and what he said made me very sad.
I got to know another personality and yet he was himself.
He continued: “You did not feel this correctly, Venry.
I am not myself now, even when you think I am.
My inner life is very strange and I no longer see the things as they are.
This has been going on for years.
Sometimes I make some progress, but then I drop back and have to start all over.
These worms hold me back and I cannot bear that horrible occurrence.
I am completely at a loss and I feel very catastrophic, Venry.
But you will help me, will you not, and release me so that we may experience together what I am longing for, what I am yearning for.”
“How sad you are, Dectar.
It is overwhelming you, my friend, you have changed remarkably.”
“Ah, dear Venry, meanwhile mind our wall, do you hear, you must never forget that, otherwise, we cannot talk anymore about the things which hurt my heart.
When love takes you by surprise you cannot go on.
Then you cannot see clearly anymore and everything is different.
You suffer unbearable pains, Venry, but then I know that she is on earth.
My soul receives and feels those sentiments and I pass on into them, for they come over me from far away, Venry, and I hear her cry.
Believe me, Venry, it is as if an animal gnaws my heart and yet I am powerless because I cannot nourish my soul.
There is always that hunger and thirst, and I am very unhappy because I know she is sad too.
Oh, if only you want to help me, I could then look for her from that world and find her.
Now it is not possible, for I am a prisoner, just like wild animals in their cage. They get their food, but their heart desires space too and so they will never be satisfied.
It is impossible for me to tell you everything now, but you will be able to feel me, for if I tell you everything you will not be able to think anymore and we must prepare ourselves.
I ask you, dear Venry: Is being here perfect?
Do we have to kill this yearning?
Do I have to destroy in me what makes me happy and from which everything originates?
Would this Deity, who created me and all other beings, want that?
Do the powers in me have to fade away and only die off in perception and healing?
I think a lot about that, dear Venry, but nobody has yet been able to help me.
Still it recurs in me all the time, and then I know that she is on earth like me, and that she is sad, in distress.
I was already locked up. I felt my death, but there too it remained in me and gnawed at my heart.
My life is pure, otherwise, I would not be able to feel and think.
I am not old either, Venry, and I can even make myself very young.
If I want to I can be of your age.
I possess that gift.
If the animals are allowed to possess it, Venry, why should we not, as human beings?
Is the curse within me God’s will?
Has the fire within me to be smothered?
Is not the Pharaoh a human being like I am, and does he not possess his love too?
Take it from me, dear Venry, I feel like a slave and shall have to remain so.”
Dectar looked around very anxiously.
We entered my Father’s gardens.
He went on talking, his yearning made his heart ache and, although I was young I deeply felt those pains coming over me.
There was a conscious power in him, which made him one with another being.
All this had to do with another life.
How is it possible, I thought?
He yearns and knows why;
he feels love, the sorrow of a soul, the soul he knew in some life or other.
But now this soul is on earth and yearns like he does, feels and asks day and night to be allowed to be loved.
This very love, that feeling, thinking and yearning I found horrible.
To be able to think and feel deeply and to be allowed to possess gifts was a mercy.
But having to feel other lives and to be conscious in them was a torture.
I should not be allowed to know about all this but I understood him perfectly.
When I followed his thinking and feeling it was clear to me that he could not be wrong, for his soul, the life that belonged to him, now lived on earth.
Right now I wanted to be allowed to disclose this secret to him and to make my good friend happy.
Suddenly, I tore some leaves from a plant.
“Eat them, Dectar.”
He did as I instructed and became quiet again.
“This is innate too, Venry.
You know how to kill these feelings.
I cannot adjust myself now, but I knew about it.
In your Father’s gardens many miracles can be found.
There are plants to kill, to smother a fire like this one and to heal the wounded and sick.
He was a master at that.
In all those gardens his children lived, the eyes looking at him were of those who had to leave too soon and who are now there, Venry, where we also want to go and the secret of which is only known to the high priests.
Your Father did not want this, dear Venry.
All these herbs are for the sick, not for the purpose we talked about a minute ago, for there is a curse on it.
I know where all those little ones are who passed away too soon, for at night I sometimes see very clearly.
When visions about that came over me, Venry, I followed them on those journeys and I understood the curse resting on this Temple.
Whether I was helped like you, I do not know, for I played with my own life.
Were the Gods benevolent to me?
Now that you know something about all the secret powers, you can feel me and consequently understand what I did.
They cannot be followed, Venry, yet I could go where I wanted to when they had embarked upon their nocturnal journeys and blessed walks.
I ask you:
Were the Gods with me?
Did the Gods want me to observe?
Believe me, dear Venry, my eyes were full of tears which came from the bottom of my soul; I cried over the sorrows of all these little beings who would come to earth to experience something, like all of us.
“Go and return to yourself, discard the things that are not for you.”
Smooth talk, dear Venry, but they do not obey the laws, for they shut the cell doors behind them and only open them again when the beast in them has subsided.
You should see them, Venry, they dare not look up, there is no night and no light in them, only fear, fear of the Gods, they are afraid to be seen or followed, because they know how to act and cannot claim any laws.
When all those shadows, those souls, Venry, receive the next life and return to Isis again, there will be a struggle to the death and all those masters will perish, believe me.
‘Go and learn to know yourself, discard all those feelings and desires and kill them.’
How often did I hear that,
and what do they do?
I see the shadows, Venry, of all those little lives and the priestesses who disappeared from this life.
They all call me to help them, because the Gods so wish.
Yet I look on helplessly, Venry, and do not know what to do with all these secrets.
Could your heart bear them, Venry?
Would you be strong enough if I told you everything?
Is it strange then, Venry, that sadness sometimes overcomes me?
I cried, though not because of weakness, and I wondered whether the Gods consented and whether the Pharaoh knew all this.
How I prayed, Venry, prayed for an answer, but the Gods did not hear me and I thought that I knew.
Could it be so, Venry, because such feelings are also in me?
But I swear to you, my life is unblemished, I have not been a bad person.
I give my life for the genuineness, for my sick and everybody else who needs me, but especially to get to know the truth.
Is that not mighty?
It lives within me and I feel the naturalness of these feelings.
I love winter and summer, I can do without food and drink, and am prepared to help the sick with all my energy.
For many suns I can wait for my own death, and I can be one with darkness, but having to bear, Venry, that my heart goes on beating and yearning, I cannot stand.
Oh, my friend, how I must warn you.
When this comes over you, you will be unable to see anything or disembody. You will receive nothing because it would burn you inwardly.
In the darkness, beings will come to you and you must know how strong you are.
That is why I told you about it.
They resemble human beings, Venry, yet they are shadows, and they belong to those who are dead.
If you want to approach them they will leave, but they will come back and enter you.
As a priest you have got to conquer everything.
You must be prepared to see and go through it, and yet remain yourself.
You can feel how mighty they are when I say that they love, and possess oils and the choicest herbs only the Pharaoh knows and possesses, which come from other countries.
They know many secrets, Venry, and they will ask you to listen to them, for they will make music and dance their dance of shadows.
But woe betide you, dear Venry, if you admire that.
You are still young, but your soul is old, and they make that fire flare up within you.
They make it spark off.
See to it, dear friend, that you remain yourself, that they do not surprise you, for there will be no hope left.
I will dry out like the meat stored here.
Do not think, Venry, that I speak in riddles, it is highly necessary for me to tell you about it.”
Dectar told me horrible things.
Carefully he made it clear what was in store for me.
He told me the secrets of Isis by his own sorrow and desires.
Dectar was a master, a refined being and a true son of man.
He went on:
“My speech does not seem very important, does it, Venry?
However, you should not be careless.
It may seem to you that I am a supplicant, but I know that you will not renounce me, so that I may set foot on the ‘evergreen meadow’, where flowers bloom.
All that eternal life smiles at you, dear Venry.
But when twilight lifts you must return to your material body.
I know what it is like there, even though I have not been allowed to experience it during the short period in my life at Isis.”
“How do you know, Dectar?”
“It is in my soul, Venry; as there are gifts in you, these feelings and this knowledge were in me when I was born.
I saw the ‘meadow’ before me, as a child I could see very clearly.
Sometimes I played in the ‘meadow’, whereas my material body lived on earth. You know how this is possible.
At the ‘meadow’ it is lovely to walk; it is like a journey through space.
The enchantment it emanates is heavenly.
I was there a long time ago, Venry, but then I was someone else, and had a different body and a different name.
I see that life very clearly before me.
When I was there I knew her, and she was so sweet, oh so sweet, Venry.
I often think of her, and then I see myself and her as we walk in silence.
And because of this I know that she is on earth and I will see her again.
I know that she has received a new body.
But then, dear Venry, I start yearning, for my soul is one with her.
I think she is a priestess, for then I feel her near me, and I look her up at Isis.
When on the other hand I entirely empty myself to follow my feelings and perception, I see her in the outside world.
In her present face, Venry, I recognize the other face, which is so dear to me, for she is mine, mine alone.
Her soul and mine are one. The Gods combined us to one being and that will remain so forever.
But we had to part again, Venry, and all people will experience this.
There is only one soul who belongs to us and we know that soul, even if I am a priest now.
I cannot believe that she has forgotten me.
Whose would be the feelings which come over me?
There is not one human being on the entire earth, dear Venry, who can pick up these deep feelings, for I am like she is. Nobody else can be like that; we are completely one.
Do you feel, dear Venry, what that means?
We are like two flowers of the same shade, and in the way offspring ressemble their mother.
Like two stars.
We are one in feeling and thinking, even though I possess different properties.
I live for her, she lives for me, and we both serve.
She will breathe through me, Venry, for she feels my heart, my earnest will, so that we are most grateful.
In her I see the interpretation of life, we both pass on into it, but we are now on our way and have been for centuries, dear Venry, for we both forgot ourselves.
The earth is great, my friend, nature is tremendous, a twinkling star-sparkled sky overwhelms us, but this love, my friend, exceeds everything.
I am not at all conceited when I say that we both possess everything and that everything means that the entire space belongs to us.
But I am not yet ready, Venry, nor is she, and therefore we had to part.
If you believe that this is a punishment I am prepared to explain this.
For the opposite is true, Venry, Dectar has that in his own hands.
And still despair comes over me.
When I see her on earth I am anxious, for she is very rich and of noble birth, and I am only a poor priest.
You surely sense, dear Venry, that there is doubt in me and that is terrible.
But when she is on earth and very rich and she does not have this knowledge, I shall have to wait until she awakens.
For she must know that it is I, and must be longing to see me.
When this consciousness is in her she must yearn for me.
The smallest insect experiences these curious feelings, Venry, and we human beings would not?
When space is in me, knowledge will follow.
But when I do not understand myself, and doubt hurts my heart, my heart beats quicker and quicker and makes my poor head burst.
Then suddenly everything fades away and I am myself again.
Dectar looks up into the smiling face of some ‘God’, and understanding comes over me, dear Venry, and I feel like a child.
Oh, believe me, dear friend, I made the Gods many sacrifices, but they were not always accepted.
However, the Gods know about every soul, for we originate from them, Venry.
Would you do me a favour and look her up when you possess the great wings?
You can do this for me, Venry, you know the ‘meadow’ for you have been there.
You will also be able to see behind all these walls which surround them, where the priestesses live and the high priests enter to change their age into youth;
and we are not allowed to know anything about that.
However, I want to possess the friskiness of a lamb, and the relaxation and wings of a bird of prey, to rest on my wings in space and to look down upon those who disfigured me.
I want to move about as a king of the air and know myself throughout, so that there is no doubt left in me.
I want to see through their passions and emptiness, as well as the robes they wear.
I shall be very confident, dear Venry, like my heart tells me I should be.
Nothing will cut me off anymore and even the rare gates of Isis will not stop me anymore.
I equally love the wildness of a predator or the relaxation of a toad, but I particularly love space and light, and in addition, the wisdom living there and out of which we were born.
Now listen to me, Venry.
Look, there in front of you, Venry, next year we shall be able to enter there, walk up and down, to the right and the left, and to absorb your Father’s happiness.
Those who can dwell there have received what they wanted to attain during that time, but they will become priests, dreamers and sleepers, and experience the torture of the organism.
It goes very deep, Venry, for this Temple is mighty and known for its many species of herbs raised by your Father’s mastery.
If you are ever there, and the Gods want you to know why these gardens were cultivated, then descend.
It was here that Ardaty met your Mother.”
“What do you mean, Dectar?
My Mother, here at Isis?
Who ordered you to tell me that?”
“Ardaty, my dear Venry.”
I took Dectar’s hands in mine and looked at him.
Then I overheard:
“The herbs did not help, Venry, they would not produce their deadly effect, for Ardaty was a master.
You were to live, my dear, and you are alive, are you not?
We must be very careful now.
So do pay attention, I feel something and it is approaching us.
All this you have to know, Venry.”
“My Mother was a priestess and I her child?”
“Did I not prepare you, Venry?
Would I otherwise have unburdened my heart?
But have you not known that for a long time?
Your Father took her away from here and his heart was ready to receive your dear Mother and to share the deep sorrow with her.
He gave her a new life, of which love is the space and of which I told you.
They too are completely one.
You must possess patience and composure if you want to follow her and receive your Father’s blessing, if you want to know the secret of your own life.
It is why your Mother cared for her boy, and that will be the powers that the Gods give you.”
I was deeply moved.
“How can your soul be moved, dear Venry, now that you have received the truth?
You can only show gratitude; all they wish is that you will be allowed to know and remain yourself.
My dear Venry, look into nature and know that I must hide.
You must follow me.”
After a little while Dectar said to me, but as a completely different being:
“There is always danger, Venry.
Well, it is a little quieter now, but the following and searching for my soul was a very serious event.
But look, Venry, down there.
One night I heard the singing of a nightbird in space.
It broke the nightly silence.
Can you follow me?
You should know this too.
Listen, Venry, now listen to this song, dear friend, and your heart will relax and there cannot be hatred in you.
Hatred kills, hatred destroys the strongest person and makes one forget oneself and lose one’s common sense.
But the waters closed over a body, dear Venry, and she was dead, however, not that body but the event; the night gives way to the day, those who were guilty recovered themselves.
Know, my dear, that someone guards, that someone feels and thinks for us, who will heal my lame wing.
To this end you will receive the powers, to hide all this right now, otherwise, we shall be blinded.
And think of the ‘meadow’ and look for her if you feel what I feel. My heart will then relax.
Keep following me, Venry, they will return.
Look there, down in the depth, I will show you what I told you a minute ago.
Do you feel it, Venry?”
“Yes, Dectar, we are being followed, but I am in space.
They are looking for us and we shall lose ourselves if there is no resistance in us.”
“If we did not have our wall, Venry.”
“Is my secret down there, Dectar?”
“Those who merely look at it will be followed straightaway, Venry.
This spot is guarded day and night but you will understand that only later.”
Suddenly Dectar turned around and pointed to the building, stretched his left hand and said:
“There you see the masters, Venry, behind the walls.
But you can see through them.
The dead speak, and their hearts implore for revenge.
A sword cannot be any sharper than the feelings awakened by remorse.
Behind these walls, in the Temple of Isis, you will discover a lot of secrets.
But there is no light, Venry, only darkness.
One day all dead beings will rise and reign here; then we will see and have reached the ‘meadow’, or we will have proceeded to see, feel, and experience our awakening.
My words are not powerful enough to express what lives in my soul, but you can follow me and observe it.
Really, dear Venry, this morning my ‘self’ is doomed to listen to what the dead have to say, but another time love will be far from me and I will be myself again completely.
When that day comes, Venry, I will be allowed to know everything, and you will tell me whether my wing can be healed, for I feel my happiness approach.”
Then he asked me quite unexpectedly:
“Tell me, dear Venry, have you ever been at the ‘meadow’?
Ah, do not tell me, I know that you were there.
You see how dangerous love is, for my brain is very confused.
I ask something to which I already know the answer.
And I am not allowed, for us priests that is very dangerous.
Apart from that you will understand that my path is not negotiable, I constantly pass over heights, and through deep pits, and I fall again and again, and this carelessness breaks my old body.
When you were possessed you have been at the ‘meadow’.
I could follow you.
There I shall meet her one day, for one can rest well between life and death, but you have to know how to return home and that road is a long one, so that I may easily go astray.
You think that I am very downcast, I know, but in the dark you need a lot to think about.
All these feelings will help you, for those who enter there empty will come out withered.
Dectar knows all the fears, which were in them so that their brains could not assimilate them anymore, and their souls suffocated.
They leave that dark hell blind and do not know anymore whether they are alive or dead.
And only, Venry, because they were not prepared.
They had no notion of the darkness, and yet I told them everything about it.
But you are prepared and ready, right now, your soul is full of happiness and secrets, in you live death, darkness, and light, and you will see who lamed my wing, even though I know very much about it myself.
But you see clearer.
Is it then so very unnatural that there is hatred in me?
I hate those who mutilated me and deprived me of the natural activity of my soul.
It is anything but pleasant, for I lived in space and possessed the great wings.
I am downcast and revert to this subject again and again, Venry, but you have to forgive me, my heart flows over.
We shall both experience the events which must occur, and you had better know all about it beforehand, so that it will not be too late.
The seriousness will strengthen you and make you powerful.”
“Can you tell me anymore, Dectar?”
“Ask me, Venry, I shall tell you what I know.”
“Was I born here?”
“I understand, Dectar.
Is Ardaty my Father?”
“Do you have any idea, Dectar?”
“I know nothing, Venry, nothing yet.”
“Then I understand what my Mother meant.
You know, Dectar, when I was possessed a dense haze lay around you and my parents and I did not see the master in it.
This haze kept you and my parents hidden, I saw it very clearly.
Do you know about it?”
“Yes, Venry, I know.”
“You know everything, Dectar?”
“No, Venry, but that I know.
I saw that you were connected with it.”
“Is that why you looked at my Mother so searchingly, Dectar?”
Dectar smiled, but did not reply and I asked: “And the high priest, Dectar?”
“Did you not see that he was also closed, Venry?”
“By whom, Dectar?”
“Do you not know?”
“Has my leader been with me for such a long time, Dectar?”
“You may be very grateful, Venry, it means a mighty protection for all of us.”
“Was it fear, Dectar, that my parents felt?
My Father behaved so strangely.”
“Can you imagine the feelings of two happy souls and sense them, Venry, souls which carry a great secret and their own happiness?
That is what constitutes their lives and by which they possess everything.
When I think back, dear Venry, and see everything before me, I see my own death.”
“I will not ask you anymore, Dectar, maybe later.
I am very grateful to you, also for what you did for my parents.
Perhaps one day we shall be allowed to know everything.
What will happen to me after the darkness, Dectar?”
“Then you will get to know death and you must get familiar with it.
When you are well advanced it will not be necessary, but we shall wait.”
“Then do I not know death, Dectar?”
“Most certainly, Venry, but sometimes we receive experiences which develop us rapidly; I shall adjust myself to them and perhaps I can tell you more tomorrow.
Do realize, Venry, that it is very instructive.
And now be very careful again, otherwise, the worms will gnaw your heart beforehand and all these events need not happen.”
We went on for some time and were both lost in thought.
Then Dectar said:
“During all the years I have been here, Venry, I have not been able to speak in this way and I am happy now that I have got rid of all this. I can begin a new life now.
You will get to know a different Dectar.
There is light in me again, and I owe it to you, Venry.”
“What do you mean by those other walls, Dectar?”
“You will get to know the invisible walls of Isis, not these, but others, through which nobody, not even a priest, has passed.
You will behold this secret. I cannot tell you more about it, for you would receive too much and that is not right.
I have got every hope, Venry. You have got those gifts.
Now we must prepare for the test and you will be weighed.
But you are ready, are you not, Venry, otherwise, we would have to continue and I want to be alone now, quite alone, to test my sadness against the nature of things.
When I subsequently return to you, you will see me in a different way, then the ointment the Gods gave me will have penetrated my being and all sick spots will have been healed.
If my prayer is very clear, Venry, my soul will recover, for I then touch reality.”
“What do you mean by being weighed, Dectar?”
“You will see, Venry.
Your concentration will be followed.
In the meantime we have approached the Temple.
Forget everything, Venry, will you?
Now empty your mind completely, presently everything will come back.
You must only think of yourself now.”
Dectar left and I entered my own cell.