I got to know death
At last he entered my cell, but I thought he was in a very strange mood and I asked: “Is anything the matter, Dectar?”
He did not answer me but kept looking at me.
Again, I asked: “Is something wrong with the child?”
Then he said: “Student priest of Isis, we shall continue to explain the laws of this Temple to you, which made Isis great.”
I looked at him and thought I saw a lunatic.
Instantly I adjusted myself to him, but my master, friend and brother was completely closed off for me.
I trembled for fear and asked: “Tell me, Dectar, is anything the matter?”
He ignored my question and continued:
“You must listen to me and ask no questions.
I am your master and the high priests want you to listen to me.”
Again, I asked: “Tell me, Dectar, what is happening?
Is there any danger?
Speak, and do not leave me in the dark.”
“I am your master and your teacher, do not forget.”
Now I understood there was something the matter.
A terrible influence came over me.
I wanted to descend into him, but I could not locate him.
“Are you crazy, Dectar?
Are you about to dissolve?”
“You cannot think the way you do, student priest, you would be destroying yourself.
You forget that I am your master.”
This was sufficient and I said: “Are you quite serious, Dectar?
Answer this question.”
“I am your master and you are to listen to me.
I do not want you to look for me.
The laws of this Temple do not permit you to and you are to follow me in everything and to bow your head, or else you will get to know the laws.”
“You rascal, hypocrite, defiler of true love, go away, get out of my cell or I will strangle you.
Damn you mean beast, demon, go away, I tell you or I will forget myself.
My power is great and I will crush you.”
His eyes pierced mine, but I did not feel my friend anymore.
To me Dectar had died.
I hated him and all those calling themselves masters.
“You are a traitor, a rascal; you defile my parents and yourself.
Go away, get out of my cell, do not stay here anymore.”
He stayed and gave me a piercing look, but he did not say a word.
He was like the sphinx, enveloped in a shroud of mystery, which I could not penetrate now.
How terrible, I felt deceived.
An immense hatred rose in me, my blood rushed to my head and my heart was beating in my throat.
I jumped up and wanted to strangle him, but while I jumped a paralysing feeling struck me and I sank back on my couch.
He still stood there and looked at me.
I recovered at once and cursed him again.
He kept looking at me.
“What do you want from me and how should I address you?
How does your reverend want to be addressed?
Hypocrite”, I added.
Had it not been so heartbreaking I would have found his show-off curious, but he was deadly serious;
he stood there like a great mystery.
Once again I asked: “Is there something wrong, Dectar?”
so again this violent hatred came over me, more violent than ever before and I cursed him.
Now I got sarcastic and asked: “Will not the master take a seat on clouds?
Will not he look at those who disfigured him?
Does he not want to know whether there are more animals present in one animal?
You mean hypocrite, you ungrateful man, destroyer of everything, of my happiness and my life.
I hate you, master of Isis.
‘Will you take care of yourself?
I will be a Father and Mother to you, dear Venry, and give you all my love.
How can I thank the Gods?
How did I pray for this being one.
An ice-cold stream went through me.
Again I tried to descend into him, but he was closed off.
I did not understand that, but I had to accept it.
Our wall had collapsed; I stood on ruins.
Yet, I adjusted myself to him again, for I could not accept it.
There was a power around him, a curious power, and I thought I felt this closing off.
Nevertheless, I hurled my perception and feeling away, for I did not believe myself anymore.
When I had quietened down a bit I could have forgiven him everything, though all the time it did not occur to me that I had lost him as my brother.
One thing was clear to me; he was my master as regards to concentration.
So I had been mistaken about myself, for I thought I was ready, and yet I could not descend into him.
His soul was shut and completely closed off to me.
Or did he by any chance play a game?
Was he that serious?
I could not yet accept that.
I still asked him: “Could the master connect himself with me in space?”
I waited for a reply, but I thought I would die when he answered: “If you value your life then only think of Isis and your priesthood.
The Supreme Priest of Isis ordered me to come and see him with you.
Will you follow me?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I wanted to tell you that you walk on consecrated ground and that you must follow me!”
I found this human being horrible.
He was a mystery to me, but I had regained my composure.
I still said: “Is this your love?
What will my leader say about this?”
“Are you ready, student priest?”
“Yes, master”, but deep down I cursed him.
However, I did not want to destroy everything and said: “I am ready, Master Dectar, I have never been as ready as I am now, if you want to know, I am ready.”
He let it all pass and I followed him to the masters.
I felt as if I had grown centuries older in this short period.
We entered the sanctuary of the masters.
Three additional masters were present with the supreme priest.
Dectar went up to them and said, so that I thought I would go mad: “Father, master of the masters, head of the Temple of Isis, my pupil does not follow the laws.”
These were lies.
Dectar complained about me?
He is mad, I thought.
Yet I remained quiet, but I did not feel myself anymore.
The masters subsequently adjusted themselves to me and I was probed.
I stood here like a child, but I did not feel anything of my leader.
Did he leave me alone?
My Father pierced me
and said to me: “Why do you not take your task seriously?”
I did not answer.
“You shall speak, student priest.”
I said, though through another power that suddenly hovered above, in and around me: “I really do not know why I am here.
I am oblivious of any harm and I do my utmost.
I know how my life is and I am grateful to the Gods because I may do my share in making Isis great.
To this end, I will give myself entirely and acquire all the laws.
I will also try to think deeper and more naturally and prepare myself.
Could you give me this grace?
I will serve and give myself body and soul.”
“Can you put your trust in your master?
Are you prepared to follow him in everything?”
“If I had to accuse myself of disloyalty, great master, I would pierce my heart and sacrifice my soul to the Gods, or ask you how I could free myself from it, so that the laws of the Temple of Isis become my laws.”
“You are powerful, but still very young.
You should know that we help you.
We require complete surrender; all of us were able to follow you and the complaints of Master Dectar are justified.
You should try to concentrate more clearly, especially when you rest and your daily work is done.
You take a rest and sleep, but while sleeping, you will remain awake.
You are not deadly earnest and you play with your life.”
There was deep silence and they adjusted themselves to me again. My Father said: “You are still nothing, pupil, you lose your way in your life, you do not know death and your path is impassable.
You could have made great progress, but you are not serious.
We want you to serve and follow the laws.
I now understand why Master Dectar complained about you.
We as the masters of this Temple want you to do everything to work at yourself.
I hold that you do not know death and you must be one with it.
You forget that you live between life and death.”
To Dectar he said: “Go now, Master Dectar, and follow my orders.”
I followed Dectar outside but I did not feel him, he was still inaccessible for me.
My friend was dead.
It hurt me and I dragged myself along back to my cell.
When we entered, I was startled.
There was a coffin on the spot where my couch had been.
I understood this punishment, Dectar had told me about it.
Why was I punished?
The warmth I had felt in him had left him now.
I could cry for sorrow and pain.
He said to me: “You see, student priest, death awaits you and you can go to sleep.
This is to make you one with His Majesty the Death.
You will get to know him now, for behind him lives your own knowledge and the reason why you are here.
You play a game with yourself.
Therefore, make yourself one with him, and you know why.
You now sleep in a bed, which awaits all of us, but you get to know it right away.
In it you hear its heartbeat, which is called ‘death’ and you will learn to accept it, so that there will be deadly seriousness in you.”
“Is it really you, Dectar, I wondered, or are you possessed or, do you belong to those terrible human beings I have got to know here?”
However, he did not feel me, or did not want to feel or understand me anymore.
Well then, I thought, very well, from now on I will go my own way.
You are dead to me.
“Go in, student priest of Isis, lay down and sleep if you think you can sleep.”
I looked at him and was lost in thought, but again he said: “Go in, student priest.”
I lay down in my coffin.
A little light burned at every corner, my deathbed was beautiful.
I closed my eyes.
Except for my loincloth, I was naked.
I stretched my arms along my body and felt Dectar’s strong influence.
I felt a new world come over me, making me one with His Majesty the Death.
I could not sleep and I began to think.
First of all, I arranged a new wall around me, for the one belonging to both of us had been destroyed.
I now had to think of myself and realize and understand the seriousness of my being here.
I still felt Dectar, and also that he left.
When that happened I thought my heart would break.
Now I was alone with death.
I burst into tears.
Throughout the evening and until deep into the night I cried and could not stop.
At last, I regained my self-control.
I felt somewhat relaxed; I rebuilt my own personality and started to reflect again,
but this time in a different way.
I felt completely free from my master and this was what I had tried to achieve.
I adjusted myself to my new situation.
Yet I returned to him and began to ask questions once more.
Dectar was a demon or not normal anymore.
If I had forgotten myself, then why had they not destroyed me?
Or did I have to commit even greater stupidities?
The more I thought the less clear everything became that was related to him.
How beautiful our union and being one had been, but nothing was left of that.
He had been like a Father and a Mother to me and now this ending!
Nothing remained of it.
I would build my own wall and protection and I would stay in it.
I did not sense anything of my leader; maybe he was angry too.
If so, I did not believe anything anymore and would not want to hear his voice any longer, then he would belong to the demons as well.
How dangerous this life was.
Yet, I resolved to devote myself entirely to my task, to prepare myself, so as to attain priesthood.
I had become a completely different man during these few hours.
Now I had to proceed alone, but I dared them all, however great they were.
If they would give me additional punishment, I would show them that Dectar was a lunatic.
Nonetheless, I had to be careful.
But if he would make life impossible here, I would ask for another teacher and be rid of him.
When I had advanced that far I automatically passed into my new condition.
Death came to me.
I lay in my coffin.
Around me, the room was festively decorated, at the four sides lights burned in his honour.
On earth people died, and yet, real death was not even possible.
However, I understood the seriousness of this punishment very well.
This was given to destroy my youth.
Did I play with the wonders?
Was the danger still greater than I thought and felt?
I had not heard anything from my leader yet, but he would surely know about it, he knew all about Dectar and me.
This meant the dying process.
But behind it lay a mighty space.
I got to know this Majesty and kept on thinking throughout the night, for I could not fall asleep.
Was I kept awake?
All this time I followed several deathbeds men could experience; in fact this one was the most beautiful.
I would now die in complete peace and I could prepare myself for it.
Other human beings would die in a different way and for many people this mighty process came unexpectedly.
Of course they were not ready and not prepared for this great event.
All these human beings were ready and fully prepared for thousands of meaningless things, but not for him, this all-inspiring greatness.
Men hardly gave him a thought.
People did not allow themselves time to think about this mighty and, in human eyes, yet so terrible King.
Quite unexpectedly, he came knocking and people had to accept then that the irrevocable event would happen.
Then what, yes, what would actually happen?
I followed this King on his inhuman journey, for he brought sorrow and pain, nothing but misery, and yet he was so kind-hearted, so incredibly good, but nobody understood that; man did not want to understand.
This secret was only known here in the Temples.
People wanted to know everything about each other and told each other their experiences, but not one of them spoke with love about him whom I got to know very well only now, so that a holy seriousness came over me.
Now that I was connected with him, I could almost be grateful to him, for this brought me growth.
What I felt and went through now was mighty.
If Dectar would still be my friend, I could now be very happy, for it still hurt me to have lost my friend.
My parents had got to know death already, and I now understood how amazingly deep my Mother’s inner life was.
I remembered her words: “Where should we go to, dear Venry, when all roads are blocked?”
Then she added: “If you want to stay alive, then die with me, Ardaty.”
When one passed away, one actually began to live.
Mother was great, she was inwardly conscious; I also hoped to reach that consciousness and acquire it.
Moreover, they were alive, she and Ardaty.
Yet they had died, but not in a coffin, their death was caused by the elements of nature.
They had discarded earthly life and received a new life, an extraordinarily beautiful garment, and the happiness of their own paradise.
Those who had not been prepared are afraid and trembled for fear of death.
This punishment was actually essential for everybody, for it taught man to think and love everything that was good.
For many it meant inner development, so that they would awaken, becoming greater and more conscious inwardly in a short period of time, as I now experienced.
Then he could not unexpectedly come to them, they knew beforehand that he would come, in fact they were always ready and there was no waiting in them.
You could talk to him, for this King was very wise.
He knew everybody, knew the animals, plant and flower life and every other life, because he could follow inner life.
He looked through the greatness of the soul, he only had to see and feel in which respect he was infallible.
For him it did not mean death, nor sorrow or pain, but a journey to eternity.
I had been there only recently, even though all these experiences were terrible for me.
And yet, I heard him say: “Mankind hates me, Venry.
Why does man hate me?
Is it because they do not know me?
Do you not see all those beautiful things, such as the flowers, the beautiful trees, all those magnificent houses and buildings, and last but not least the Temples?
Also all the human beings and animals that I had called.
When I am sad, Venry, it is only because they do not want to know me.
There is not one human being on earth, dear Venry, who truly loves me.
And am I not concerned about them?
Of course, they must see to it that there is no hatred in them, that they are in harmony with my life.
However, they must want that, Venry, I will not force them to.
Oh, Venry, you should see what their houses in which they live are like, not those caves and huts in which they live on earth, no my boy, large, very large buildings and even Temples they receive from me.
And all those buildings are decorated; the birds come to them and sing my song, the song of joy and happiness, of being one, of sacred love, dear Venry.
And yet they hate me, I am hated, but they will get to know me the way you see me now and your Mother already knows me.
The human beings on earth think of everything but not of me,
only when I come.
Believe me, dear Venry, I always postpone my arrival as long as possible, for I know whom and what they love.
They think that I will help them begging for strength, but that is very stupid, too simple and too childish, dear Venry. They must want it themselves,
but not at the very last moment, Venry, not when I ask them to let me in, for then it is of no avail and it is too late.
I must take action then and there should be no pity in me, dear Venry.
Then I am hard and terrible, so that they cry and cannot stop.
Do you think, dear Venry, that I have no heart with blood flowing in it?
It beats for joy and happiness the way it does with human beings.
In their view I am the destroyer of happiness, they hate me like nobody is hated, and yet, Venry, look into my heart and get to know me.
When I call old people to come to me, then, Venry, their feelings and thoughts are sometimes mild and loving, because those old people could better come to me than stay where they are making life difficult for others.
But woe, my boy, if I call their child or beloved one who must proceed here, because their time and life is up there, then I am cursed, hated and abused, like no one on earth.
But if I come, they must come to me because they must get to know the laws in my world and finish their lives on earth.
Sometimes I withdraw into my loneliness and ponder on everything, all their pain and sorrow, and yet, dear Venry, I cannot act differently, they must come to me, for after all I am eternity.
When, after my birth, I reached maturity and had to start my task, which the Gods had imposed on me, then, dear boy, I became raged and floated through my house. I went from East to West, from South to North, with lightning speed through the universe to vent my rage and forget all my sorrow, and hatred.
Yet I could not evade it, my task is simply tough, severe and terrible; I bowed my head for that is how the laws are.
I do want to tell you, Venry, because now you are alone in life and you have to proceed on your own resources, you can follow me and listen to me.
Well, centuries have passed, Venry, I could not do anything else but cry myself out.
Do you find that so strange?
You cried your eyes out as well, did you not?
And yet I was also in high spirits after that, I set again about my work, pondered those human feelings and called them to me, but without pity, without mercy; King or Emperor, rich or poor, everybody had to come, Venry, my command is devastating for them.
How I have suffered, my boy, even now, because they hate me.
Of course, where I live makes up for everything, the Gods gave me space; stars and planets belong to me and are the adornment of my own home.
And in addition, the light and darkness and all those worlds you have already got to know.
Now is that not beautiful?
Certainly, my dear boy, all these possessions gave me strength and power, but also responsibility.
The Gods follow me too, and the Supreme God, dear Venry, sometimes summons me too and then I have to tell plainly and clearly how all His children are.
People on earth think that their God does now know that, Venry, but I too have to follow the laws.
Once, every couple of thousands of years I must come to ‘Him’ for you surely realize that I live in an immense space.
You should hear our conversation, dear Venry, for it is very instructive.
Then I have to answer all those questions too.
You must believe me when I say that I sometimes try to conceal things to spare many human beings a lot of sorrow and pain, when I see that they do their best.
Sometimes I succeed and the Supreme God is in a good mood, you see, but very often He looks at me and I know that He sees through me.
In fact, He can see everything, but then he is compassionate.
‘Nevertheless’, He says, ‘one should not feel sorry for all those children, for they will not learn and never come back to me.’
And that is the intention, dear Venry, for all those children are Gods, children of the Supreme God.
When I am there and go to Him, the angels will come and alleviate my sorrow, and I receive everything.
They sing and dance, dear Venry, and that in space.
It is hard to accept, my boy, but everybody is happy there, nothing disturbs anymore.
The palace of the Supreme God is erected of rarefied material.
When His children do good deeds, live in love, and love each other truly, His palace is enlarged and the crystals become gold and silver and the angels’ singing is as clear as only the Lotus can radiate.
Every good thought represents one child, is one part of His mighty feeling that is the immense space in which He lives.
But when people hate, dear Venry, everything trembles and shakes there, and the Supreme God sees what they do, these are then noted.
When I have regained my strength, I must return to the earth and to all those other bodies.
Then I will be amidst those who curse me, but then I can stand it, because what I received there is immense.
I am next to God, dear Venry.
You do not think that I am conceited, do you?
That is the way my task is and I have had to accept the dignity of my greatness.
My Master is actually called ‘Life’ and you know me.
I am called ‘Death’.
But am I dead?
Do you not hear me speak?
Do believe, dear Venry, when we came to belong to the visible life neither of us wanted to accept his task.
We perceived that either of them meant that we would be damned.
Centuries passed in this process before my Master and I arrived at a decision.
Yet we did not accept our work voluntarily, Venry, our inward voice took the decision.
My proper name came to my mind the way feelings come over you and also, the same way your Mother has experienced; it was then that I understood my task.
I was to be called ‘Death’ and He who lived before me and therefore was older than I was, ‘Life’.
When I am going to answer your question, dear Venry, I will do so because you are so spirited and are prepared to listen to me.
No, my dear, He lived before me, for when there was no Life so there could be no Death.
First ‘Life’ came, then I was born and I drew all that Life to me.
In fact, I had accepted my task that very instant, but our asking and demanding to be allowed to know who was actually called ‘Death’ or ‘Life’ resides in between.
‘Life’ was still very young, Venry, when I already had to call it.
We wondered what we would do and came to a decision.
To be Supreme God, dear Venry, is not so simple either.
I know that I am being cursed, but my Master is asked the most incredible things.
Surely, my Master cannot make Kings and Emperors of all his children?
All these questions and prayers, dear Venry, first arrive at the angels, they examine and follow those human beings on earth and perceive that they are lying and deceiving.
They save their Master a lot of sorrow by not passing all those shady affairs on since his task is immensely heavy as it is.
Then when I am there we talk all those matters over.
I learned from it, Venry, and then realize that my own task is the simplest of the two.
I have only one end in view, to think of only one thing, which is to summon them to me in time.
However, my Master needs millions of helpers to investigate all those prayers, requests, questions and thoughts, for human beings are very sly in this respect, sometimes sarcastic or full of pity and sincere desire, but mostly true love is missing and they try to deceive God.
The sacrifices they make are usually a surplus, dear Venry, scorned by the wild animal.
Is it so strange then that God shuts His ears?
Believe me, dear boy, sincere feelings are always heard; however, it must be possible to make them come true.
They ask for the most incredible things, usually happiness, either gold or silver, to become a King or Emperor, to have a lot of slaves and worldly property.
You should see them then, Venry, they forget themselves and curse their own Master by their actions.
And that is unacceptable, is it not?
No, my boy, my task is really much easier.
Yet they do not think of me.
Is there anything on earth, which comes close to me?
Is there anything that natural?
Is there anything, Venry, worth contemplating?
Could there be anything that matches me?
Can worldly Kings come close to me?
Is the pharaoh as powerful as I am?
Think this over, my boy.
What do you feel now?
When I go and summon them they have to listen too, nobody can avoid that.
Yet, dear Venry, he is honoured, people worship him and follow him when he beckons, and even kneel down before him.
When I see that I can only smile, I cannot spare deeper and other feelings.
But how insignificant such a King is, Venry, in comparison with me.
Believe me, and you can feel it now, for my rest and silence, nay happiness, joy, a lot of joy comes over you and only because you get to know my true ‘Me’.
And what do I do, dear Venry?
When I visit the sick and let them feel my rest beforehand, they call for all worldly scientists to defile my rest and great happiness as well as my sacred and pure silence.
Yet, I keep dominating all those thoughts and medicines, I call, dear Venry, and my voice, my command is obeyed.
They do not want to receive illness and other phenomena from me, which they will grieve over.
Accept this too, my boy, it does not even belong to me, it is my Master’s, they must get to know me through it.
You surely feel that we are one in everything and must be one, for Life and Death are inseparably connected.
To say it more specifically:
One thing follows from the other.
Still more specific, Venry, after Life or through Life, Death comes.
Death originates from Life, because Life exists.
Do you understand, Venry?
But look at them, my boy.
I always warn them and yet they do not listen.
They forget all those admonitions again and again and live their own life, without regard for anything.
In this respect, they are foolish or crazy for who would ridicule this unknown, awesome, immense, nay divine law.
However, they are and remain frivolous.
Certainly, there are some people who completely surrender, but then they have learned a lot.
One comes quietly, another suddenly, some by the poison of others.
Others again as a result of an accident, and yet, dear Venry, they all come to me.
They only experience one phenomenon, which is passing into my Kingdom where there is no Death, for I am Life.
I am one with God and we shall remain one.”
That is the way Death spoke to me and I heard everything.
“Of course, that is how it is”, I said to him.
“Look at the room in which I now lay, it is a beggar’s place.
But you make no difference, everybody, the rich included, lie in their coffin like me and have to come to you.
The smallest insect digs itself in and is rich, but you know why.
I cannot hate you; I begin to love you and am always grateful that I was allowed to get to know you at close quarters and that you have spoken to me.
May I be your friend?
I now feel your warm heart, it beats for true love, in and around me, but I hear it very clearly.
It is not cold in my coffin; you are very warm.
But you are poor, my friend, to those who do not know you.
Essentially, you are immensely rich, the diversity of your wealth shines over me; it passed into me and alleviates my sorrow and subsides my hatred so that I can forget and forgive everything.
If I am to know you and begin to feel your mighty will, it is because I live in your vicinity and am one with you, in life and death.
I could not have been punished in a better way.
I learn and become conscious, and I am very grateful to you.
I feel your warmth come over me which strengthens my soul.
I want to accept and will always think of you when I am happy and relaxed, but also in pain and sorrow.
The powers I now feel will help me to prepare myself so that I can attain priesthood.
After that, I will have the great wings because I know you.
To many people you are terrible, but immense space is in you and your view is mighty.”
I talked for hours with Death.
Depth and spiritual age came over me.
My cell was completely empty, this excluded everything and everybody; I was completely one with death.
There was a holy seriousness in me and it would remain there.
How amazingly quickly I had changed.
My soul yearned for depth and I myself became conscious in it.
Deep were the thoughts and feelings of death.
Childlike qualities and playfulness had left me and had died, I had learned to know myself in but a short time and I felt very happy.
The night made way for the day, but I was still pondering, following death in its thousands of stages of dying and passing over.
The lights were still burning; they had only spent one tenth of their contents.
I heard someone rattling at my cell door and entering.
I could not see who it was; I was lying too deep down in my coffin.
I could only feel and adjust myself to that.
It was not Dectar; his influence and radiance were different.
A strange feeling came over me, which allowed me to determine that unknown personality.
These feelings developed within me and I saw the person, I could clearly observe him.
I did not know this priest.
I soon experienced what he came here for, because he sprinkled my body.
I understood this too, for I took it over from him.
Those who entered death did not need any food.
So I got nothing, I would have to agree with that.
Really, I thought, Isis is powerful and also deep in this respect.
Again, I began to think, for I could not sleep.
I did not sleep a wink all night, I would and had to stay awake; otherwise, I would learn nothing.
“Try to sleep if you want to”, Dectar said, but I could not.
Isis was great and deep in this respect as well, I would nearly say perfect.
I was pondering everything over and over again, re-experiencing everything from my youth on, and acquiring it.
I reviewed my entire life; I followed everything from the time I was a small child.
Nothing had been lost, everything returned to my consciousness, now that I was one with that as well.
When I had finished, the day had passed and night approached.
Now I followed what Dectar had taught me and what we discussed together.
I assimilated his feeling and thinking, for his wisdom now gave me rest and gratefulness, so that I no longer felt hatred for him.
It is really remarkable, I thought, if this is going on much longer I will even be grateful to him for everything that I may now experience.
My love for him returned to me and that made me very happy.
I still did not hear anything from my leader yet.
The more I thought of Dectar the more grateful I became.
When I had got that far and accepted him again, my love also returned to me. The night had passed, as the sun rose.
I had not been able to sleep; I had to stay awake.
Again, I experienced that sprinkling of my body, which meant a salutary refreshment.
I had already been living in my coffin for two days and nights and the lights were still burning and did not want to die.
When they died I would belong to the living again and my being one with death would be over.
The strange thing about it was that I did not even feel thirsty or hungry.
I was too intensely one and connected.
I started reflecting again and followed all those human deathbeds. I yearned for Death to come to me again for I learned a lot through Him.
During daytime, I felt that He was far away from me, but in the darkness, I was completely one.
The day seemed to last a century; such was my yearning for the darkness to come.
I understood that the little lamps would continue to burn for the time being.
Everything went the same way; no living organism could evade it.
During daytime, I went through this deadly rest and I prepared myself as it were for the night in order to be able to listen well and clearly.
I had forgotten the Temple of Isis and all the masters.
I only thought of Him, His Majesty ‘Death’.
I was intensely conscious; this consciousness had come over me only quite recently.
Yet, I followed the laws of Isis and acquired them.
I also want to acquire the invisible laws of which ‘Death’ had told me.
Slowly the day went by and evening came.
I did not feel tired; however, my body was tense as if life had left it.
It was dark, the sun had set long ago, everybody in the Temple had fallen asleep, and only I was still awake.
This punishment most certainly healed me and brought spiritual depth to my poor soul. The awakening led me upwards so that another silence approached, different again from the former one, from yesterday and the day before yesterday. I would say, this one was still deeper and even quieter.
It must have been after midnight when I heard Death’s soft steps nearing.
With Him, an ice-cold current of air should come over me, but this time I became very warm.
His Majesty was on the way.
I did not have to wait long and I saw Him before me as a true shape.
He said to me: “Good evening, dear Venry.”
“Good evening, Your Majesty. Do you return to me?”
“I felt your desires, dear boy, and so I come to tell you some experiences which I recently had to live through.
I say had, dear Venry, for they did not want to listen and come to me, and you surely realize that I had to use violence again, which is a great pity.
I was with a rich gentleman, Venry, he possessed many earthly goods and all his wives wept over him.
I looked at all those tears, dear boy, but not one of them was sincere.
They had served him because they wanted to belong to worldly life and to be able to look at all that wealth, although it did not belong to them.
But their master, tall in stature and powerful, was stung by one of my helpers, a poisonous insect, and the man would come to me.
People think that I torture them, dear Venry, but that is not true.
They must come and to that end, it is essential to destroy their earthly garment.
It does not matter how this happens, as long as it does happen.
Well then, he raged and yelled for anger, but it did not help him in any way.
Just now, he entered my kingdom, but I have no hovel, no hut, nothing at all for him, dear Venry. He lives in the darkness and lies there, waiting for God to wake him up again.
He was far too rebellious.
I saw into his life.
He received many beautiful things, but he did not understand,
and you see, Venry, then they defile all those treasures and curse my Master.
This afternoon I called many at the same time.
There were thousands of them, another helper washed them over the earth and subsequently sucked them into its depth.
Dear Venry, there are many more who help me, but it is me.
There was a woman who poisoned her husband.
She too thought that she helped me, but that is not true and I wonder what that has got to do with her.
I choose my own helpers and they love to follow me.
You no doubt think that I have a lot to tell you but I must soon be on my way again, Venry. This night I have a lot of work to do
and you must presently go to sleep.
In the morning, you will belong to the living again.
When you and those who love you come to me, then accept, dear boy, that your surroundings will be festively decorated, I will see to that myself.
When you are in the ‘meadow’ and see me in all my power and glory, then joy, heavenly joy will enter your heart and the hearts of those who belong to you eternally.
You are getting sleepy, Venry, I know why and will therefore quietly retire and pursue my long way.
Give my regards to those who belong to the living that know me and want to accept me. Make clear to them that I am only love and let them stop hating me.
Will you do that for me, dear Venry?
Alleviate my pain and tell them of all my warmth, so that all those sleepers and dreamers who think they are living will awaken.
My boy, I will be on my way and I greet you. Finish your task and be strong, never stop thinking of me, then you will always be ready.
When the sun rises my Kingdom will be filled with millions, many of whom crying like small children; the children, however, are awake and conscious and their inner life gives me warmth so that I can understand the glory of my task too.
I greet you, my friend, I will be off and on my way as well”.
I thought everything over for a long time.
Going by that sound, the warm and pleasant feeling I thought I felt the understanding, the mature consciousness, yes, a master.
It seemed to me as if a friend who had known me for a long time had spoken to me.
It was very strange indeed and I therefore did not accept my thoughts, but I thought I felt my leader in Him.
And this was possibly not true, yet I had learned so much.
Night approached day, but I fell asleep.
In the morning I woke up, the lights were still burning,
but the lamps had spent their fuel and they would soon expire.
This was passing away too.
Now I waited and one lamp after another extinguished.
Exaltation rose from within me, for this meant the end of my being one with death.
I would now belong to the living on earth again and I would resume my task.
If I were now allowed to leave the home of death and be permitted to thank Him for his hospitality, I would be very happy.
I sent Him a prayer.
“I thank you, oh Death, for the wisdom I have now received.
You made me very old, and that within but a short time.
I became myself completely.
There is no greater power than yours if your power is accepted.
I thank you, Majesty, for your thoughts, your feelings, which you gave me and which I received free.
You are cursed and hated, but I love you.
Your greatness came over me, my soul is conscious and I understand you.
I am grateful to you for the silence, for your mighty home, this coffin, which accommodated and housed me, for the light and warmth, for everything, because you killed the hatred within me.
I will not be able to hate anymore when justice comes to me.
I overcame my fear and I thank you for everything.”
The lamps had extinguished, the sun brought new light, but I felt dead-beat now and I was thirsty and hungry.
My material body woke up; my own adjustment had kept it free from these feelings, now it belonged to life again.
It asked for liquid and nourishing food as a result of my own desire to be allowed to work.
The door of my cell opened and Dectar entered.
I could not hate him anymore, but I was still unable to speak to him.
I looked upon him as my master, and he said: “Good morning, priest of Isis.”
I did not reply.
Yet, I was very happy that he had come to me, but I did not make him feel that.
He put me on my couch again, the coffin was removed and he moistened my lips.
Subsequently, he made me drink an effective herb-juice.
When I had finished it I felt my limbs relax, my blood circulation recover and new strength enter my body.
Dectar left, he did not say goodbye.
He was like death and the silence of the grave now.
I was alone again and I fell asleep.
The herbs had made me fall asleep, but I woke up in the afternoon.
Dectar brought me fruit-juice, concentrated on me and I sank away into a deep sleep again.
It was not until a few days later that I awoke, and felt completely relaxed.
My organism had recovered completely, my soul now was enormously powerful and I did not recognize myself anymore.
I had killed my previous personality.
Dectar provided me with refreshments, and took care of me, as my Mother would have done.
It made me very glad and happy and I thanked the Gods that they had not taken him away from me,
that I was allowed to be near him, to feel and see his personality and to follow his awe-inspiring tranquillity and self-control.
I did not know what to make of it; I wondered why I loved him so much, and as it were, I had to love him, because these feelings forced themselves on me.
How I had changed.
I was entirely myself now and stood before him as a man against man, although he was still my master.
My youth had passed away; I lived in another garment, consciousness shone on my entire being.
I was already sorry that I had not wished him good morning.
When he returned to me and brought me more nourishing food he said: “If you wish we can go outside, but if you wish to stay here we will do so.”
I looked at him and said: “If my teacher thinks that it is good for me, with pleasure, but I am still very tired.”
Presently, two priests entered and carried me outside.
I was put down in beautiful surroundings and took in the forces of nature.
Dectar sat down beside me and read the laws of Isis to me.
Whatever happened to you, stranger, that you do not recognize me?
I had noticed that his gait was a good deal better; he went upright now and was quite normal again.
That is after all what he had received through me.
After a while a high priest came up to us and spoke with Dectar about my condition.
Then he approached me and asked: “Are you beginning to feel stronger now?”
“Thank you, great master, I feel quite well and will soon be ready.”
He left and I was alone with Dectar again.
He did not say a word about our past, everything he said to me concerned the laws of Isis.
It was not until then that I understood that in fact, I knew nothing yet.
He taught me all the laws.
Soon I had recovered completely and resumed our visits to the sick.
We were together all the time, but he never spoke with me as he used to.
That Dectar had died like my own personality.
But I also loved this Dectar very much.
Actually, it was quite right with me, now there was no danger anymore.
I neither heard nor felt anything of my leader, nor did I speak about him with Dectar.
Meanwhile, the years passed.
I did not know whether Dectar still longed for Myra and it no longer interested me either.
It even left me stone cold whether he still wanted to float along on clouds. We had buried all that, forgotten the past and accepted a new life.
His childish talk and his many lives, that were in him, and which I loved, and why I loved him so much had dissolved.
That also belonged to the past.
He was completely himself.
During the years that had gone by he had been my master and teacher, not more but not less either.
I had learned and acquired a lot through him.
I accepted him and followed everything up.
I wanted to experience things and I had done away with asking ‘why’ and ‘what for’.
Consciousness had come over me, a mighty power, and now I felt ready for the darkness.
One afternoon he asked: “Do you think you are ready for the darkness?
Descend into yourself, you must know.”
He looked at me questioningly, and I expected any moment to hear him say ‘my dear Venry’, but he did not open his mouth and kept all these charming words to himself.
But I said: “I am ready, Master Dectar, quite ready.”
I was allowed to return to my cell, he did not say a word to me, he also left, but went to the masters.
The next day he notified me that I should prepare myself.
Whether he would take me to the darkness as he did years before I had to wait and see.
I had been in the Temple of Isis for five years now.
It took others ten years; that was another reason to be grateful that I was ready right now.
I was ready indeed; this knowledge was within me.
Shortly before I was to enter the darkness, I asked him whether he still longed for Myra, but he answered: “I forbid you to probe me and to ask such questions.”
I bowed my head and had to accept now that the past was buried or embalmed, but I could not accept the latter.
Nevertheless, I thought: Well then, you forgot that too?
I could not accept it, I did not believe that, it had meant everything to him.
Why I could not accept it was not clear to me, nobody answered me.
I bowed my head for this priest and accepted his personality, which was very dear to me, for the others were much stricter than he was.