Yes, Mother, I have exactly the same

Crisje sees that Jeus is not okay, he is quiet and withdrawn, and it is as if he is carrying the whole world.
She has spoken to Tall Hendrik about it, but he says: “You cannot rely on children, Cris.
Children constantly have something different, today they are healthy and tomorrow they are sick, however, a while later you have to accept that they are laughing behind your back.
No, that is nonsense.
Of course, they have had far too many sweets, however they do not get so many sweets from Crisje that they spoil their stomachs, this is something completely different, Hendrik,” but Hendrik doesn’t want to hear anything about it and falls out at Crisje:
“You are behaving as if we have no other children, Cris.”
This is no answer, Crisje thinks, Tall Hendrik doesn’t want to understand her and that is wrong.
His talk has no meaning, you are now talking on different levels and in the end you will face everything alone.
Is that not a pity?
Even if Tall Hendrik is completely open to household troubles, do not come with any nonsense to his personality, because he will not go into it.
Men really are strange creatures, Crisje thinks.
Precisely when it concerns the most sacred matters, they react in the opposite way.
Tall Hendrik also possesses this quality, however good and concerned he is, for that matter.
That often causes Crisje sorrow.
One morning, when Tall Hendrik was sitting at the table and eating his breakfast, Jeus stepped into the kitchen, took a chair, went and sat beside father at the table, with a face, according to Tall Hendrik, like a dirty vest.
Crisje almost fainted when she looked the child in the eye.
The boys mustn’t try to disturb this precious half an hour for him and his Cris; when he is gone they may get out of their little beds, not before, in the morning they have all kinds of things to talk about, which do not concern the children.
Does father not see then that there is something wrong?
Jeus sees nothing; he is hanging in his chair, his mother’s nice coffee also remains unstirred and that is a bad sign.
However, that is nothing for Tall Hendrik, and Jeus was immediately snapped at:
“Say, do you come here to be miserable?”
“No, father”, sadly passed Jeus’ lips.
“But what are you doing here so early then?
I don’t want anything to do with it.”
“I don’t want to be miserable, father.
I don’t want anything to do with it.”
Tall Hendrik has to laugh to himself.
The boy is using his words.
However that doesn’t work.
Again he comes away with:
“So, you don’t want anything to do with being miserable?
But just look at your long face?
It shows more misery than I want to see.”
“But Hendrik”, Crisje tries to soothe things.
But Tall Hendrik won’t have it; the children mustn’t play-act with him.
Or otherwise, to bed.
This is none of their business.
“Since when have the children had the right to climb out of bed in the morning without being asked, Cris?
Where does that boy get the nerve?”
Crisje asks him what the matter is and then there follows unexpectedly, which also shocks Tall Hendrik:
“That we are now having a girl, mother.”
Tall Hendrik almost falls off his chair.
What did that boy say there?
‘What do we hear now?’ Tall Hendrik thinks.
He flashes a look at the child, it takes a little while before he can say anything, but he then screams furiously:
“These are matters which concern me and your mother, whippersnapper!”
“Yes, father”, Jeus lisps.
And then Tall Hendrik orders:
“And now get off to bed as quick as you can, understood?
Do you want to go in the cellar?”
Jeus is gone.
Crisje shakes, this is no approach, it is hitting your child in the wrong way, but oh well, it’s a lot for me.
But Tall Hendrik is not content with that, he calls the child back to him.
“What do you want with that, what do you want?”
Jeus looks his strict father in the eye.
The child says nothing, because his soul is thinking, Tall Hendrik sees; how remarkable, but yet frightening it is.
That is not like Tall Hendrik.
He doesn’t know how he should approach this child.
He has already heard many strange things from him, which he constantly has to accept, and there you are, how should you now behave, as a father?
He goes away, thinking and questioning.
He is worrying.
The child suddenly confronts you with riddles, with something which has nothing to do with everyday life, nothing to do with his thoughts and feelings, but whether you like it or not, you have to think about it and it tickles you inside.
But no foolishness or beating about the bush with him, life already gives you enough to think about.
Crisje has a different view on these matters from him, if Hendrik behaves like this, she is sorrowful.
He behaves without thinking and the children complain that father is so strict and they can never ever talk to him.
Tall Hendrik then thinks: ‘what do those mites want?’
Still, Tall Hendrik, just a moment ago you destroyed the most beautiful ‘orchids’.
Just like that, without thinking, you reduced the most sacred thoughts, which have to do with God and Our Lord, to powder.
You stepped consciously over the life of your flesh and blood and you beat the soul and the spirit.
Now that heart is closed to your life and personality.
Isn’t it a pity?
No, for you there are no pities.
But we haven’t finished yet.
No sensible father does that.
Jeus touched a world here of you and your Crisje, that is true, but does it not mean anything to you?
Should you not just think then: how is that possible?
Where does the child get such thoughts and predictions?
Because this is a prediction, Tall Hendrik.
Those thoughts don’t mean anything to you, but they come from somewhere and what now, when your Jeus is right again?
Crisje has a pain inside because of it.
Hendrik should clap his hands for joy, but he doesn’t realize that yet.
It lives in her heart and it is meaningful, it is a delicate string which is now being vibrated, and of which Hendrik doesn’t hear any timbre, because he is not open to it.
But that is a real shame!
And a great lack.
You turn your back to it, but then you also stand-alone.
Suddenly there is misunderstanding in your life and that at six o’clock in the morning.
It is wrong for each thought.
Still she can rely on her Tall Hendrik for thousands of things.
By his character, he carries her through life, now this as well and then.
Yes, then life and her happiness can be called perfect.
Crisje is alone with him and asks:
“Do you want coffee now, Jeus?”
“Yes, mother.”
She follows him, it is her own blood, but the soul and spirit of this life speak more and deeper to her.
But what is the matter?
She must try and get him to talk, that is always a relief and then she can help him bear it.
There is something, you see and feel it.
Jeus is not a wimp or a troublesome child, he is always cheerful, has a strong character, this is something else.
It is as if he is carrying thousands of kilos and he has closed himself off to everything.
It is ten o’clock, and he still is sitting there thinking.
But about what and why?
“Don’t you have to go to the doves, Jeus?”
“No, mother!”
“Don’t you have to go to the rabbits, Jeus?”
“No, mother!”
“Do the doves mean nothing to you anymore, Jeus?”
“No, mother!”
Isn’t that something, Crisje thinks.
She starts to tell him lovely stories, he is always interested in the bible, and he is open to the angels and Our Lord.
She begins, but is he really listening?
“Yes, Jeus, it is beautiful in heaven.
The angels sing sweet songs there ... and they can sing, even better than your own father can.”
Jeus admits:
“That’s true!”
She is surprised and continues.
“They also have beautiful trees there, Jeus.
And nice flowers.
And you can walk there for hours and there is no one to harm you.”
“That’s true!” he utters dryly.
“And before you want to go there, Jeus, you must first die.”
“That’s nonsense!”
“What is that?”, Crisje asks.
“I don’t want to talk nonsense?”
“I know, mother, but that is nonsense!”
But what a boy.
She looks at him somewhat puzzled, and doesn’t know how to think.
Yes, Crisje, as far as he is concerned you are telling lies.
He has already been there so often.
He knows everything about it and you know that yourself as well.
And has he died then?
Isn’t he alive?
Is he dead?
If you think about it, Crisje, then you will know.
It is not so simple, but it is possible for you to know.
She continues:
“But surely you’re not trying to say, Jeus, that people go directly to heaven?
A lot must happen for that and an awful lot at that.
But it is nice there and the birds sing and they eat just like that out of your hands.
And you must eat with golden spoons, Jeus.
Do you think that they don’t have to eat there?”
And again Jeus comes away with: “That is also nonsense, mother.”
“But, Jeus?”
“Our food makes them sick there!
And they do not want anything to do with gold spoons and forks, nothing at all!”
Crisje is up against a brick wall; she would rather start about something else.
In this way she will not discover his worries.
“Do you know, Jeus, that Our Lord is everywhere and that HE can show Himself to all people?
And all the saints are with Him and watch out for Our Lord and must keep everything beautiful in heaven, Jeus, just like I have to do for our own family.”
He thinks, and has to laugh about it.
As if life there is exactly the same as this mess.
He looks at his mother and is sorry for her.
Yet, when Crisje talks to him about these matters, his life flies open and he gets wings.
Then he is like a wise person.
However, he was there with José.
And doesn’t Crisje see that José and his Tall One are present now?
The Tall One listens and winks at him, he gives back his feeling and thinking.
Crisje says:
“Do you want another cup of coffee, Jeus?”
“No, mother.”
Now he has something to ask.
He asks Crisje, and he checkmates her as a result:
“Are angels like small children, mother?”
He immediately looks José in the eye, as if he wishes to say: now listen then you will hear something.
Crisje doesn’t know that he communicates with angels like children and says:
“No, Jeus, angels are adults, just like me, they are grown-ups, do you understand that?”
Jeus had wanted to say that that was nonsense again, don’t you see then that there is a child-angel here?
Do you not see and hear that I am talking to such an angel, that I play with these angels?
Crisje hears:
“But then you don’t know anything about it, mother.
Isn’t that difficult, Crisje?
Jeus is telling you the complete truth.
Tall Hendrik wouldn’t have heard this, because Jeus closes himself off completely to your Tall Hendrik.
He laughs too much and then he doesn’t give himself.
How could he talk to his father, Crisje.
Hendrik thinks: ‘I will not let myself be fooled by my children’, he thinks that he is sensible, but that is not true, he is now standing next to his boy.
You must try to open his inner self, only then will you hear what is occupying him and then you will be surprised, Crisje.
Jeus falls back into his silence and Crisje wants to prevent that at all costs.
She continues and comes a bit closer to the problem, which is occupying him.
“I know even more, Jeus, and something completely different.
Our Lord lived in this world a long time ago.
Then Our Lord brought his Holy Gospel to the people.
And then the people nailed Him to the cross, they crucified Him.”
That is now something, Crisje, which he has already thought about for a long time.
He immediately follows with:
“But then shouldn’t they have buried him in the Jewish graveyard?”
What is he saying now?
She thinks about it and then says:
“You are confused, Jeus.
Certainly not, but Our Lord wasn’t a Jew, was he?
They laid Our Lord in the Holy Grave.
And there is always a light burning there now, that is the eternal flame.
That is where Gethsemane is too!
And all the other holy places are there as well, because Our Lord walked there day and night.
But people are bad, Jeus, and then people nailed Our Lord to the cross, crucified Him.”
She feels, no more now, otherwise it will be too much for him.
Jeus looks like a corpse and runs away, she gets neither a yes, nor a no.
Should she not have given him this story?
Then what should she do?
A child like him is hard to deal with.
He is now everywhere, he must think, that story of mother is strange, and not true either, because if you are hung you must be buried with Sint van Tien.
Nothing can help him; his life is dead, but through what?
Jokes do not interest him now.
Deut and Duumke have become less important problems for him, he doesn’t want anything to do with that slavering now.
The holy places are squashing him to death.
His eyes are at the back of his head, but he thinks; his life is leaden, the stench is in it, but where did this pressure and misery come to him from?
Crisje thinks: ‘Could Deut perhaps have poisoned his life?
Would Deut ...?
But that isn’t possible.’
When Jeus comes back, she takes him with her to do the shopping.
He is now hanging on to her skirt again, just like he used to, and he hasn’t done that for a very long time.
He is now too big for that and too sensible, but still, you have to watch him.
“A biscuit, Jeus?”
“What did you say?”
“What is the matter with him, Cris?”, Theet Egging asks.
“Is there something the matter, Cris?”
“Something else, Jeus?”
I don’t want anything nice to eat!”
“Do you understand that?
I don’t.
That has never happened to me before, Crisje.
A child that doesn’t want sweets.”
“Don’t you want to go to Anneke, Jeus?”
I don’t want anything to do with Anneke”, Crisje hears him saying.
“Won’t you go to Theet and Mathie, your little friends?”
I don’t want to see any friends!”
She tries all kinds of things.
Could he be coming down with an illness?
“Don’t you want to go to the mill, Jeus?”
“Not to the Jewish graveyard?”
“No, I don’t want anything to do with the Jewish graveyard today.”
Jeus is sick, Crisje feels and she doesn’t know what it is.
He slouches beside her, but says nothing.
No mill, or anything else, manages to touch him yet.
The life is beaten to death, but by what?
This has never happened before, Crisje takes Jeus for a walk, she is taking time out and leaving her work unfinished.
Maybe it will help.
You will do everything for your child, at any rate for this life.
And now she is walking with him in the Montferlandseweg and tells him things.
However, he doesn’t say a thing.
“But just take a look, Jeus.
Isn’t it beautiful here where we live?
How many town people don’t come to look at Montferland?
Bernard should go out with you, he can tell you all kinds of things.
The rich people stay in Montferland, Jeus.
And those people rest from hard labour.
And later they go home and then they have to go to work hard again, of course.
Why don’t you say anything?
Can’t you say something to me?”
He doesn’t say a word to her,
But Crisje continues.
“Just look at this nice moss, Jeus.
Isn’t it soft?
You can’t even feel your own feet now.
It is as if we are now walking in heaven.
Don’t you think so as well?
And so Our Lord has something different for all of us.”
She looks, he shuffles along beside her but still doesn’t say anything.
“Do you see that woman there, Jeus?
That is Mrs Garridse.
She is almost eighty years old and still works as if she is twenty.
That is a good person, Jeus.
If she ever dies, she will not have to worry about herself.
She will go to heaven just like that.
And that is something, don’t you think?”
Deep silence from Jeus.
“Shall I show you our own land now, Jeus?
Do you know that we are getting another piece of land?
Then we can plant potatoes for ourselves and for the poor people, you know, who always come to us and whom you liked so much, true or not?”
Still no answer.
But carry on, Crisje.
“Over there is the Hunzeleberg, Jeus.
From there you can see Emmerik.
When you are there, you can also see the Eltersche Berg, where I went with your father.
We danced there, Jeus, and then I only just knew your father, but what fun we had there.”
Can you still not say anything?
Is there not even a smile left?
“And over there lives the baron.
You know, him from the castle, my God, Jeus, what a lot of money those people must have.
Father had to bring his wine there.
Have you forgotten that already?
No, you haven’t, have you?
But why can’t you say anything anymore to me?
Why don’t you want to answer me, Jeus?
Are you sick inside?”
Now for the first time she sees that she has touched the life and a weak little smile appears on his face.
Should she follow the inner life?
She cannot reach that, anyway.
Let’s just go back then, Jeus, I have so much to do.
The children need her and she must be mad.
People will wonder what she is up to.
He looks her in the eye but says nothing.
Crisje feels deep sorrow, misery reaches her being from those eyes.
Tall Hendrik can tell her more.
This is deadly serious.
He is not enjoying his food, nice things aren’t touched, sweets belong to the past, there is something the matter, but she doesn’t know what.
Love doesn’t help; you don’t do anything here with love, do you?
Little acts of kindness mean nothing.
It is enough to drive you mad.
When Tall Hendrik comes home, he hears how Crisje has bent over backwards to get Jeus to talk.
He now also hears that Jeus’ stomach is fine and that childish moaning is not the reason for this peculiar attitude and silent behaviour.
He finally understands that his child has a great problem to deal with inwardly and now starts to look at this life through different eyes.
He now has respect for this problem and for the life of his son.
He now wants to try and come closer to this soul and also wants to give something.
He asks cheerfully:
“Shall I play for you then, Jeus?”
If he really believes that this life will accept his gift with both hands, a great disappointment awaits him because Jeus answers tersely:
“No, father.”
Isn’t that something, Cris?
Then the child hears: “Do you know what you are saying?
Do you know that the whole neighbourhood would go down on their knees to hear me play?
Will I sing for you then?”
“No, father, I’d rather you didn’t just now!”
“Damn it, what do you want from me, nothing?”
Unfortunately, Tall Hendrik doesn’t have the patience of Crisje.
Crisje thinks, ‘damn it’ does not help matters at all.
That is too harsh once more, with no thought behind it and too rough.
Then Jeus hears again:
“It is that you are sick, because otherwise I would have something else to say to you.
Then you would have been in the cellar long ago.
This is just a bother to us.
We already have worries enough.
And as long as you understand that.
And it is stopping Mother and me from sleeping.
Will you stop your whining?
I’m sick to death of it.
You look like our house is falling down.
Can’t you smile at us at all?
I’m being driven mad by it, as long as you know.”
Tall Hendrik achieves nothing.
Then the doctor will just have to come.
This is not going well.
But Crisje gives Jeus other medicines.
The doctor also says: “There is nothing, Tall Hendrik, nothing.
It is growing up!”
But growing up or not, this has to stop.
However, Tall Hendrik knows, he doesn’t need to mock it now, it is really serious.
But what is it actually?
“Have you ever heard of this illness, doctor?”
“No, Hendrik, children are the most difficult thing there is.”
Crisje prays and carries on.
When she thinks about him, she feels that something else comes out of his life, a feeling that means he has something terrible to bear.
And she wants to help him in this.
She surrounds him with her love, not from the outside, but from the inside, then something opens in him, then she feels again that when she gives him her feelings, the worrying changes and he becomes a bit lighter, she can clearly feel the heaviness of his life.
But it is also something strange, something new for her and for Jeus, and probably for this entire world.
She has never experienced anything like it with her other children.
Can’t Our Lord help her?
She continues to monitor and follow his life.
She now feels that this is the only thing with which she can help him.
And from Jeus those same thoughts reach her.
He looks her in the eye now and again and then it is as if she is looking into the heavens, and a ray of real light reaches her.
She thinks: Golgotha cannot be as bad as these feelings of hers now.
And now that her thoughts go there, she also gets these feelings back from him, which give her a fright and at the same time she undergoes the effect and the heaviness.
Is that all coming from Jeus?
Is he experiencing the most serious problems of all?
However, this just isn’t possible.
And yet, when she thinks about it, light comes into her child, her Jeus, and it is as if he is asking: but help me, but help me, mother.
The pure feeling, as a question it comes to her life: don’t just leave me alone, mother.
I cannot bear this alone.
One afternoon, when they are sitting together again in the kitchen and the child doesn’t want to go outside, Crisje gets a vision.
That is my imagination, she thinks, because this is impossible.
She sees a crowd of people going by and all those people are climbing a high mountain.
And she knows that mountain as well, she knows exactly where those people are going.
She and Jeus are also there, they follow the people as they climb the mountain.
All those people, Crisje sees, are crying in sorrow.
Does Jeus know that?
Does he know that she and he together are following all those people?
Would he feel something of the great sorrow, the sorrow of all those people?
However, that isn’t possible, is it?
If that is the case, then she can help him bear it.
Why and for what purpose he has to live in this, she doesn’t want to ask yet, even if that is a great problem, all that matters is to help Jeus.
Now she suddenly knows how she can reach him.
Crisje now begins:
“It is strange, Jeus, but I have been so silent as well recently, haven’t I?
And it is inside me.
And if I start to look, Jeus, then there are at least a thousand people with me and all those people are in just as bad a way as I am.
Do you feel like that too, Jeus?”
Crisje gets to hear:
“Yes, mother!
I have exactly the same feelings!”
Thank God, Crisje thinks, it is there; she can carry on now.
Do you see, Tall Hendrik?
Jeus has something terrible to bear.
He is carrying the suffering of this world.
Jeus is experiencing the sorrow of this world.
They are huge heaps of misery!
It is unbelievable, but it is true!
I saw it myself, Hendrik.
Now she gets contact with her child.
She also sees that he looked for a moment and the lights came back to his eyes.
For a long time they say nothing.
She has to think seriously now.
She feels a pain inside, that Jeus has felt for days.
The feeling cuts through your soul.
She thinks it is much worse than having children.
“Do you feel that pain too, Jeus?”
“Yes, mother!”
“It really hurts, doesn’t it, Jeus?”
“Yes, mother, it is suffocating me.”
“And that is just under your heart, isn’t it, Jeus?”
“Yes, mother, it is there.”
My God, that is not possible! ... Crisje sends into the universe and to Our Lord, that is not possible!
“And did you also see all those people, Jeus?”
“Yes, mother.”
“Yes, mother, and they are convulsed with pain.”
You see, Crisje thinks, what she saw comes from his life and takes her to Jerusalem, to what she told him about.
How is it possible, Our Lord, but what is the purpose of this?
Crisje presses him to her heart, but she also does this inside, he doesn’t need to know everything about her.
She will cheer him up, give him everything from inside which he needs and try to step out of here, without tearing her and his clothes.
That is not so simple.
Nothing lives on the surface of his soul and only that suffering can be felt, but there in that depth a person is crying, a child at that, and that life is carrying this world.
But why?
How can Our Lord approve of this?
She has to have an answer to this.
“But is there nothing else the matter, Jeus?”
“No, mother.
There is nothing else the matter with me!”
That is just more than enough, she thinks.
“It only hurts so much”, she also hears.
“I understand, Jeus, I know, of course, and I will help you to bear it.”
When she follows him, she drowns in a pool of misery.
What does Father think of it?
How does he see this problem?
“We have never seen anything like it before, Crisje.
I don’t understand.
I do not understand that Our Lord will allow a child to bear that, but yes, Crisje, it is possible.
But then your Jeus will become a martyr.”
“No, no, Father, don’t make any martyrs of my children, for goodness sake, no, we don’t want to talk about that.
But can the church not do anything then?”
What does Father say?
I have been praying for so long already, I always pray, but Father knows that, doesn’t he?
Has Father forgotten, that he looked in Jeus’ eyes when he was born and he experienced that same silence?
I haven’t forgotten.
We haven’t forgotten, Father.
Of course, Crisje, children like that lived on the earth, of course, but what do you want?
Later they ran wild.
Didn’t you know that, Crisje?
Weeks pass.
Jeus remains quiet, but his mother is helping him to bear it.
Tall Hendrik also recognises that it is deadly serious, now that he knows everything.
The doctor doesn’t come back and they don’t talk about it to anyone, not Anneke, not Theet of Mrs De Man, get to see him.
Good Friday is approaching.
Jeus is quieter than ever.
It is bad in bed, that heat is killing him.
He is already so warm inside, now that as well.
The child crawls out of bed at night, and lies down on the ground in front of the box bed.
It is strange, they never find him there, he doesn’t say anything to Gerrit and when it is time for father to get up, he climbs back into bed.
It is a huge drama, Crisje!
But Tall Hendrik doesn’t realise it, even if he keeps quiet, he lets Crisje and his son get on with it, he follows those lives, but not more than that.
And yet?
Tall Hendrik also has a heart and thinks.
When he says: “It seems, Crisje, as if we will all be buried”, Crisje knows what he experiences from it, but she already feels happy that she no longer hears those harsh words ‘damn it’.
But still, when Jeus wants to warm himself up a bit in the kitchen with father and mother, because he is now one with mother, he has to swallow from Tall Hendrik:
“Just go away with your long face, I cannot even eat my sandwich.”
Then Crisje gets a shock inside and she thinks that is terrible, and when he also utters: “You look like you have a runny nose”, she rattles Tall Hendrik between his ribs and he knows that this doesn’t cost anything and only creates more misery.
He smothers everything!
He refuses every childish approach when it concerns pettiness, childish nonsense.
He wants to make men of his boys and you do not achieve this with this pitiful pettiness.
That is the one thing that removes him from those lives time and again, because Tall Hendrik has no feeling for that and this continually places him outside these supernatural problems.
But what strange creatures men are, Crisje thinks, with their childish illusions.
But Tall Hendrik doesn’t care about that madness.
He has enough on his mind.
He has to laugh now about Father.
Now how can you talk to a man like that about such matters?
Tall Hendrik knows better, for himself then, he has his bitters, not two, but five at least, then he can face it again for the time being.
A decent person would go completely mad with that moaning at home.
They don’t need any more mad people, he is already mad enough himself.
Then something else reaches him, something that makes him think, and he says to Crisje:
“He is moaning, Crisje, he is moaning inside.”
“Have you got your eyes closed, Hendrik?
Are you only there to make sure there is food and drink?
Have you no sense anymore?”
Tall Hendrik can make do with this for the time being.
Is there anything else, Hendrik?
What do you think of it now?
Tall Hendrik thinks that it is high time that the fair comes, this just won’t do.
A change will have to come about in this, otherwise there will be accidents.
He grasps Jeus and puts the child on his knee.
“Jeus, look at me, look me in the eye.”
Tall Hendrik looks the child in the eye, but he doesn’t see anything special.
Jeus pierces his father, he descends into him, pretends he is looking into the eyes of the nice doves and the rabbits; he looks through Tall Hendrik.
Then Tall Hendrik says something strange again, at least for Crisje.
“He is looking at the Hunzeleberg, Cris.
He can no longer look people in the face.”
And to Jeus: “Do you want to tell me off?”
Now an answer comes which Tall Hendrik couldn’t have accepted from any adult and certainly not from a child:
“Yes, father!”
“Do you know what you are saying to me?”
“Yes, father!”
“That is ...”, would come now, “good gracious”, but Crisje wants to be one step ahead and get him away from the child.
However, Tall Hendrik doesn’t let it go.
“None of it Cris, we are talking to each other.
What do you say, Jeus?
True or not?”
Crisje has to laugh, Tall Hendrik shakes him back and forth and tries it in his way.
Jeus is horse riding, but doesn’t want anything to do with this nonsense and wriggles himself free.
Before he has done this, Tall Hendrik asks again, but do not think that he will get an answer:
“Will you forgive your father, Jeus?”
“Yes, father.”
“And will you talk to us again?”
“Yes, father.”
“Cris, do you hear that?
He will talk again.
Do you really mean that, Jeus?”
“Yes, father, I mean it.”
Now Tall Hendrik is happy.
You see, Crisje, you have to do it like that.
Tall Hendrik leaves, they are slowly stumbling towards Good Friday.
There is silence on the day that Christ was nailed to the cross, along with silence in the human heart, Crisje knows that Jeus has been fretting about it for four weeks and perhaps then there will be an end to this misery.
However when it is Good Friday, then you will see that the world becomes dark.
Jeus sees that adults do not notice anything, yet the world is becoming dark.
He has seen that for such a long time.
However, the people do not see it.
Only mother does, but she doesn’t know everything either.
Not one person is thinking about the Man in Jerusalem, even if those people think they are experiencing some of it, they do not see that the sun is becoming dark.
What Jeus sees and experiences of it, Crisje, is that the world is becoming dark and as a result of this he got those pains in his heart.
It is good like this, Jeus.
We are almost there.
Even if Father finds it strange and many people will find it just as unlikely, this was necessary!
This would happen!
This had to happen for your further life.
Because you will receive an extraordinary task to fulfil for this world, your own ‘Tall One’, therefore your guardian angel, has linked your life to Golgotha.
And this, Crisje, had to happen in order to expand, strengthen and influence the nervous system and to advance the inner life to the personality and prepare it for the task for which his Tall One and Jeus serve!
Really, your Jeus has experienced a path of suffering up until now, but we haven’t finished yet.
In a few days this will also be part of the past and then Jeus will have his own life in his hands again.
Then he will get everything back for himself, but now, dear Crisje, he lives through other strengths and powers, but there is no danger!
The sun shines for people, for him no longer.
For Jeus the sun has disappeared and a deep darkness has come over the earth and the people.
Only people of good will come to this unity, but then according to the laws of the universe and not as people think it happened.
Everything will be different, Crisje, if you wish to follow and accept the inner part of it.
On the other hand, would Jeus be able to imply all of this?
Can a child convince himself of it all?
Can a child experience Golgotha and attract it to himself?
That is now impossible, Crisje, but what it is about is sacred: what Jeus experiences is universally true, only the people on earth experience their past through it, nothing, but then nothing else.
They do not adjust to this part, just look at Tall Hendrik.
Jeus has already been walking round in a dark world for weeks.
The sun shines but doesn’t give any light any more.
He hits his head against everything.
Aunt Trui makes him anxious now.
Mrs. De Man, but you can see that, gives him peace.
Isn’t that strange?
Follow this for a moment, Crisje.
He is attracted to the miserable people, he is open and conscious to misery, the unfortunate people can help him bear it, but no one knows that.
What has ‘He’ done in ‘His’ time, Crisje?
If you want to experience these things, then you will go naturally into ‘His’ life.
Then you will run away from Trui, and ‘Tall Hendriks’ will mean nothing to your life; now you are faced with deadly seriousness!
Children come to no good, but not Jeus!
Children have seen sacred things but were still bad; not Jeus, Crisje, he has been born for his task, but that will become clear to you later.
However we are nearly there.
The savage dog of Mrs. De Man licks him, is mad with joy when he comes to him, because the big animal feels his love.
When you see that you have to cry.
The savage animal also feels something.
Tall Hendrik doesn’t.
An animal knows what is the matter.
Fanny knows as well.
You should follow Fanny for a while.
The one who gets an answer is Fanny.
However, Fanny has had to accept that it must now not ask questions all the time.
Jeus has said that clearly to Fanny.
This life is now not able to jump at him and beg him urgently: aren’t we going yet, are you going to be sorrowful for even longer than today?
Fanny follows him and its tail, but you can see that, is hanging between its legs.
Fanny’s head is also hanging.
If there is one who helps him bear it, then it is Fanny.
It does not bark, and if that still happens now and again the dog looks at him, as if to say: I really had to bark or those whippersnapper dogs would think that we are no longer here.
Jeus sees it and drinks in this love.
“Thanks, Fanny, I will never forget this, as long as you know that.
But, Fanny, I have to think.
You must wait a while yet, but then we will romp with each other again.”
Fanny is already howling.
Crisje hears it.
Fanny also gets to hear a lot from her.
The animal is like a person.
She can talk to Fanny, Fanny sits there and listens, it is number one, as it were.
Jeus feels himself becoming calmer as Good Friday approaches.
When he will later enter Golgotha with his ‘angel’, as the instrument of the master, believe it, then he will look back on this time and he will know what its purpose was then.
Tall Hendrik must work on Good Friday.
Jeus has lain on the floor again last night, and when it is morning, he stumbles in the direction of the kitchen.
He looks at Crisje and then at Tall Hendrik, remains standing by the door, until his father says: ‘Come in.’
He immediately sits down at the table.
Tall Hendrik now thinks that he feels something different.
He asks:
“You promised me that you would talk again, but will that take even longer than today?”
There now follows: “No, father.”
“Do you wish to say by that, that you will start talking again today?”
“Yes, father.”
“Do you really mean that?”
“Yes, father.”
“Cris, do you hear that?”
They look at each other with relief.
However Tall Hendrik is still not so sure about it and asks again:
“Are you sure about what I just asked you, Jeus?”
“Yes, father, I know.”
“What would you think of that, Cris.
Now there will be an end to the carry-on.”
And to Jeus:
“When I come home this evening, will you be talking again?”
“Yes, father.”
“And will you come and collect me with your mother?”
“Yes please, father.”
Jeus looks at Crisje.
Crisje nods, they will do that.
“And do you now want something nice to eat from me?”
“Yes, please, father.”
He eats something and drinks a bowl of coffee.
Tall Hendrik is puzzled.
Gracious me, that’s something, Tall Hendrik thinks to himself.
Nevertheless he has learned something.
However he also sees that Jeus looks like a thin dog.
Tall Hendrik leaves, Crisje doesn’t say anything, she knows that it will happen today, she prays, hour after hour, Our Lord is certainly not alone.
Millions of people on earth will be praying today, there is no one who will do it and experience it like them, Crisje knows.
And that through her Jeus.
It is now quiet, and remains so, even if the other children are raising hell.
You can feel this silence through everything else.
By eleven o’clock Jeus gathers some crusts of bread, puts them in his pocket and drinks a lot of water.
Then runs out of the house.
Crisje does not get a fright, but her heart is bursting with pain.
Her thoughts go far from home.
She ... how is it possible, follows another mother and now she can understand the awe-inspiring sorrows of that mother.
And what just ran out of the house, she knows as well!
It is unbelievable.
That is also so sacred and true, that she would give her life for it immediately, if they wanted to accept it from her.
Oh, Tall One, Hendrik, but how much you are missing.
But how indifferent you are, however she can also understand that, he is not yet at that stage and you cannot force it either, you need an enormous amount of time for it.
Crisje continues to follow him, she knows, he has run into the woods, there the drama will take place today and he will experience the consequences of Golgotha!
That is it!
But my God, no, I will no longer complain, everything is okay!
Fanny and he are deep in the woods.
Jeus sees the world is now becoming pitch black.
He throws himself between the bushes and puts his head into the ground, he is crying as he has never cried before.
He is bursting inside.
There is no longer any flesh on his little legs, and he is crying himself silly.
Why are they leaving him alone now for so long?
Where are José and his Tall One?
Have they forgotten him?
Are they really angels?
The questioning has started, he has now felt the first touch of his Tall One.
He looks through the bushes into the universe and believes that there is a bit more light coming.
Has the worst passed?
Yes, Jeus, just a moment ago over there, but then two thousand years ago, yet at this moment, Christ died.
Did you see, Jeus, that the Universe really became dark?
No person can take it away from you again, and this, Jeus, will be your great inspiration for eternity and which you also received in order to complete your supernatural task in this life.
Even if this powerful world runs into you, day in day out, you will keep yourself standing!
Whatever happens later, Jeus, this now, this misery, this Divine touch, will keep you in balance, it will ensure that no one can compete with you, even if they stab your heart from all sides; you will then be able to help bear HIM.
Suddenly the Tall One’s face appears.
He flies into the arms of his guardian angel; it takes a long time, before he is able to stand on his own two feet again.
Then he sees José as well.
Now everything is forgotten,
And he does not ask why he experienced this misery, that is not necessary, he knows now.
It is a part of him.
Mount Calvary dissolves before his eyes, the Tall One takes care of his needs and puts him back on the firm ground of the earth.
He knows that he has been able to lay a powerful foundation for later.
Jeus did not work against him.
On the contrary, he has accepted everything!
“Did it hurt much, Jeus?”
“Yes, of course, but I am still here, true or not.”
“Yes, Jeus, we are here.
Shall we now see who can run the fastest?”
“Yes, I’d like to know.”
His Tall One wins.
And now Jeus gets to hear that he will be able to do that as well later,
He also teaches Jeus to float in air.
Jeus is now floating, he continues to follow his Tall One, then if it is ever necessary, he can show what he has learned.
And for what you have gone through you have been rewarded.
Yes, he says, he understands it all.
He has now forgotten his misery.
They go back to Crisje.
No one sees that Jeus is now walking between two beings, and only Fanny can see it.
The dog doesn’t know where it can walk now.
The animal barks right in Jeus’ face, also in Tall One’s face.
Then they say goodbye to Jeus and he runs back to Crisje.
He can now say:
“Here, mother, I’m back.”
Crisje takes him in her arms.
She kisses her Jeus and then he has to eat.
He devours the food like a hungry wolf.
Crisje has thought of everything.
Yes, she was right in trusting the guardian angels and they, Crisje, will sit at one table with you sometime and follow everything from beginning to end, to see what went well and what went wrong.
The Tall One knows that he doesn’t make any mistakes, but we eat and drink through the grace of Our Lord, we sit with HIM at the table, but it is different to how people today imagine that, but it will come!
Jeus is in perfect health!
He was not sick!
He experienced Golgotha!
He felt for a moment how heavy the cross of Christ is.
There wasn’t any more to it!
“Good day, José, do not leave me alone for so long any more ...”, is the last thing which he feels and then they are ready to fetch the Tall One.
Crisje is thankful inside.
Jeus feels nothing.
The other children haven’t noticed anything about it either.
Yes, Bernard thought, he was short-tempered and Johan had to laugh about it as well, that moaning would have to stop for a change.
It is strange and remarkable, what a person cannot feel and experience, does not penetrate his inner life either, and that will be simple again now if you follow Tall Hendrik.
Hendrik knew that there was something, but he didn’t understand the least thing about it, received none of it, he and all the others were completely outside of it.
Jeus and Crisje know this is for their lives and no one understands it.
When the boys are grown-up and they read and reread the story of their lives, only then will they wonder: what do I know about it?
Then there will come from the heavens: nothing!
Nothing, Johan!
Nothing, Bernard!
Nothing, you ran past it!
You could not experience it, because this was not intended for your lives.
Even your healthy and strong father was absolutely outside it!
From the symptoms, you will later get to know the inner life of Jeus.
Then you will wonder: why does he have those things and why not me?
Just you try and imitate Jeus, try to write books as well, also give lectures to people, because that will happen, paint and write, also make one of these ‘Harps’ ... You cannot.
Neither can Jeus, that all belongs to his angels, the masters, whom Jeus has to serve!
Sometime, my dear Crisje, know this world will carry you and Jeus.
Humanity will wash and kiss your feet some day, because only then will these millions of children of Our Lord know what the purpose of both of you was.
That will also happen, Crisje!
When it is time, Zutphen-Emmerik train comes steaming in, this little thing struggles over the Wetering and Tall Hendrik steps out.
Jeus races to meet his father, he is already hanging in his strong arms.
Tall Hendrik doesn’t show it, they would like that, but Crisje can see it, he is crying inside,
And that is now also an ‘orchid’ for her life.
That good, great clever Tall One!
“Now let me look at you, Jeus.
Yes, I believe you, you are one of us again.
In the middle of the street, which is not like Tall Hendrik, he presses Crisje to his heart; he lifts Jeus above his head and gives in to this happiness for a moment.
And then back home.
Jeus has received something nice from Tall Hendrik.
It is a surprise for him; the other boys will also get something nice to eat today.
When the boys are lying in bed, Jeus is now also sleeping like a baby, Tall Hendrik asks:
“And, Cris, what was that all about?”
Tall Hendrik has to wait a moment, but now, Crisje feels, it must not take too long, but she wants to prepare his life for something.
“Yes, Hendrik this was sacred and this will be difficult.”
Tall Hendrik gets a fright from that.
He reacts immediately and asks:
“You’re not trying to say, Cris, that you hold secrets from me?”
“You know better than that, Hendrik, but it is difficult.”
Now Tall Hendrik already has to keep on at it, in order to be able to share the life of his great Crisje.
Crisje thinks.
Now she has to teach him something.
For what he has been doing all those weeks, it was hurtful and must not happen again.
She wants to give him something, but feels, she cannot give away everything from herself and from Jeus.
That is also the boundary of human love.
Because a snarl from a man destroys love.
Such a snarl and such a growl kills the foundations of love.
You are now powerless and cannot go on.
Even if your heart is breaking, exactly that which you want to give so much, you cannot give now.
Suddenly she knows that millions of people consciously trample their happiness!
Yes, she has consequently learned this.
Jeus taught her to see it and let her experience it.
Now the big strong and self-aware Tall Hendrik can already beg for alms.
If you don’t want that, you can get round it, but she does not want to cheat herself and her God, so, you are now just faced with the silly carry-ons of that other person and that is your love, your happiness and your life, which does not want to go higher and further.
Again Tall Hendrik asks:
“Do you hold secrets from me, Cris?
Then I will end my life, keep that in mind.”
Crisje gets a fright.
You see, one thing leads to another.
People will not bow!
They turn up their coats!
They get on with it!
They do not want to admit that they are the problem themselves, no, now they will put an end to it as well.
They are big children!
Then Tall Hendrik finally gets to hear the big story for his life.
‘So, was that it?
I didn’t know that, Cris.’
No, of course not.
Crisje didn’t know either, but she was searching for it, Hendrik, and she found it!
However wouldn’t you now want to say an extra Hail Mary for Our Lord?
That you show your gratitude, because you were able to experience this.
‘Yes, of course’, says Tall Hendrik, ‘not aloud, Cris!’
Crisje doesn’t become angry.
She throws her arms around the neck of her tall beanpole, and kisses him in such a way that he almost suffocates.
You can simply never follow him, he will still be laughing in his coffin, and she has to be thankful for that again as well.
Hendrik is and will remain a treasure for his Crisje!
They go to bed.
Crisje takes his hand in hers.
As they fall asleep.
It is as if she is floating through space, but Tall Hendrik is also there, thank God, and Jeus looks, follows them and waves good day to father and mother from a distance.
He doesn’t grudge them a trip like that to Our Lord, he knows all about it.
How was it, father?
By twelve o’clock Jeus and Fanny wake up.
For they have slept a good part of the day and Crisje understands.
That of yesterday is now in the past.
However it is here and now as well.
When Jeus trod on the earthly ground again, he got a fright for a moment, because he had not felt the earth for a long time.
That also passed, Crisje.
His life is now open to something else, but other experiences are necessary to make him completely free.
But the Tall One will take care of that.
See you soon, Jeus!
Fair’s fair, the sun is back and life goes on!
There is no decline, there never has been, for that matter!
Crisje, was Tall Hendrik not awfully small?
That is also happiness, which is why you could give him a kiss from your heart again, true or not?
Nevertheless these ‘orchids’, Crisje, are on Our Lord’s table.
Believe it, that if you look behind the Grim Reaper, you will see them.
Even the Grim One thinks they have a remarkable beauty, striking, rather.