Frederik, I think that you are completely off the mark
René is now four years old.
In all that time, we have not been allowed to or could not experience anything special.
Hans laughs inwardly, he thinks it is all a good joke, which I pay no attention to because there are no phenomena.
We must not ask for trouble, I said.
However, I felt his shoulder stick to mine, a brake from inside, an eye that glistened, a footstep which was surer than a few months ago, an ear that asked for the truth, turning red, but that which you could sense with clogs, it was so simple.
He does his work and I walk, have bought a horse just like the others and I go into the countryside now and again.
It is a great sport, I like animals and you can talk to horses.
Erica is completely herself!
Her life is drudgery.
She tries to find it in her teas and sometimes goes horse riding, just as we do. Karel still talks about his farm, his mansion, which he is saving hard for, I believe.
I offered to let him move in to a house of mine, but he is not in favour of it, he wants to work for it.
He is not the type to regard goods received as his own.
I have a different opinion.
You are either friends or you are not!
I devote all of myself to that!
The family feels satisfied, because there is nothing that brings them misery.
Karel now takes better care of his patients, there are not so many anymore who leave him.
I think that a bit more friendliness radiates from his life than before, he is more open towards his patients.
I also know that a few years ago he thought that all that talking did not help you any further, anyway.
Now he talks away for hours to his patients and there are already some who would not miss him for all the money in the world.
That talk soon passes by word of mouth and for a long time it has already proved to be the best advertisement!
Nothing can beat this remedy, nothing whatsoever, this is it!
So you see, I was proved right about that as well.
He knows it, but you must never talk about it.
He has not yet overcome that, but I see he has made progress for himself and his surroundings.
Erica now owes him one.
Anna looks after René.
She is happy and they see me as an old man.
I go back to being old furniture.
Sometimes it seems as if they consider me a dreamer, but not a dangerous one.
I have to say in all honesty that nothing on or about René points to backwardness, the child is healthy and that is that.
Erica no longer sees her snakes and bears, Anna has driven the howling of the jackal to the woods, a barricade has been built, of which no one knows what it is really like.
It no longer rains either ...
If it is storming outside that is completely normal and is of no value to these so conscious personalities, aware of themselves.
Hans also added fuel to the fire by saying:
“Frederik, I think that you are completely off the mark.”
Karel did not hear it, Erica appeared to be deaf to it and I did not react.
However, this is already months ago.
Shortly after our deep conversations, Hans left the town for a while, but wrote me a short letter.
“Frederik, my soul is writing to you in the train.
Goodness, how happy I am.
What a miracle you are to me and for all people.
You are a true friend, and I never want to lose you, Frederik.
Believe me, I am not sentimental, but I also have a heart, human blood also lives in me, I as an academic and I as a person, are open to you.
Allow me some time, Frederik ...!”
However, a few months later I hear him say: I think that you are completely off the mark.
Then I closed myself off a bit better, did not talk so much any more, and said just enough not to be impolite.
I understood. Frederik thinks ... and Frederik also thought, but about very different things, because I did not stand still for a second!
If I stand next to the child, I experience worlds.
When the boy is sitting on my knee, it is as if worlds of sparkling beauty open to me.
This little soul is electrically loaded, not with elbow power, which all of us know and which a stupid person really wants to possess, this is different.
It makes you quiet, it is peace ... oh, and you have to be able to feel it.
Anna also absorbs it completely; Erica cannot do that, she is not open to it!
She does not have that; she lacks this feeling.
Meanwhile, I follow and see everything.
Nothing about myself, or from the others, escapes me.
I continue to think!
I feel further and deeper than yesterday, but am silent ... I am already full to the brim.
Yet, there is still no one who needs me.
There are no letters, but the office is open every day, until late at night.
If anything was to come that demands urgent delivery.
I am therefore at my post and I do not neglect anything!
René is over-sensitive.
His head is shrinking slightly, his eyes are clear, but there is a film over them.
Now and again, his eyes sink away, the light disappears completely, and a moment later, you see the child in another way.
I tell you, the others do not see that, but it does not escape me at all.
However, René has received inspiration.
The child grasps everything that can be used to write with.
You have to keep pencils and pens away from him, because he scribbles on everything; Erica has her hands full with him.
However, that is a part of it.
No one sees anything in it, and neither does Anna.
No, Karel says, things are fine!
And it is fine ... everything is absolutely okay.
René writes, the child scribbles!
He prefers coloured pencils.
I brought one for him and now you hear every day: I want pencils, Uncle Frederik.
When he said the words “Uncle Frederik” for the first time, I was nearly frightened to death, which gave Anna in her turn a fright, although she did not understand why I became so pale.
She did not ask me why I got a shock, and she thought that it was not necessary because the child seemed very ordinary.
I soon recovered, so quickly that Anna did not get the chance to ask that question.
However, I thought that I had already heard that “Uncle Frederik” before.
Where was it?
Look here, when I opened my diary, I read it.
The sound, the pronunciation, the emphasis on that “Uncle”, the pronunciation of the F, the R, the K – everything was the same as then.
Now I suddenly know, I thought, that Hans would receive blows; René will become a spiritual wonder and that my university will later be able to continue to build on the foundations laid.
A moment later, I was walking again, because I wanted to experience the incident.
I added the note:
“Even if those wretches think that everything is fine, even if Hans thinks that he has already pocketed his bet, and we laymen have to accept that we do not have any understanding of psychology, must lay off such art, the animals in the forests are still lying in wait for revenge.
Our journey has not yet started!
That is it!”
I stand stronger than ever before.
René said my name as he did when we reached unity in that other world.
I now have to accept that the soul is a personality there.
Oh, good gracious, what victims there will be!
What a study this is.
How deep, how awe-inspiring.
Oh, what a lot you have to throw overboard!
I stand so strong, already, that I could weep about it.
I now look through those masks with a strength the depth of which I cannot yet determine, but which will seem immeasurable later, much later perhaps, and yet it can be humanly reasoned.
I continue ...
They think there that I have slept in again, but that does not matter, it gives me the rest that I need.
René is drawing!
The child is drawing!?
That drawing is very ordinary.
However, not to me!
René is searching!
However, they do not see that.
Every child searches!
Every child wants to write, but sometimes this points to talent.
Then this is okay!
René is quiet; his eyes look fine.
Not to me; they do not see that there is sometimes a thick film over those eyes.
A moment later, it is gone.
That is to me the trials and errors for the child, for the soul, for the personality later.
However, we will wait and see!
So, will I.
I put a point behind what I experienced in my dream.
That is a firm foundation!
René is sometimes very wild.
The child stands firmly on his legs, looks chubby.
He appears to have been born to happiness and a good life.
Soon he will start studying, he will become a doctor.
I will have to see it first.
This child of Erica and Karel sleeps well; there are no complaints!
When the others have some time to spare, we go off on the horses.
Dr. Ten Hove and his wife also take part.
Dr.Van Stein and Dr. Van Hoogten are too busy and think this hobby is too expensive.
I still do not understand that Dr. Van Stein has come back.
Karel says: “What can you do if those people are lying at your door like dogs, you cannot chase them away, can you?”
He is right, nothing can be done about it, and after all, they are colleagues.
When you see Dr. Ten Hove sitting on his horse, you have to smile.
This stiff little chap on a horse is like a ship in a storm, he swings left and right and usually sits on the neck and he groans while riding.
You hear him squealing anxiously.
We enjoy that and would not miss him for all the money in the world.
It is just like a puppet theatre.
He sits on his horse like a child on a merry-go-round horse; he looks all around to see whether people can see him.
He behaves very noisily, which is a part of his character.
I see him as the man who greets everyone, but now from a height.
If you look at his hat, you have to laugh whether you like it or not, it looks so ridiculous on him.
His bow tie flaps under his chin like a small flag on a small mud boat, which he keeps looking at.
His wife, whom we have called Vinkje, because she is just as proud as he is and so pleased with her bleached hair, is an excellent horsewoman.
She sits on her horse like a princess from olden times and I have to say that she is striking, but her face remains rural.
Dr. Ten Hove searches his whole family to find names for the horses, which appears to be difficult for him, because they have been busy now for six months.
If it lasts any longer, they will get names from me, which will give them pleasure.
For the moment, Tippy – as he calls her, although he would have been better to have called her Tipsy, because she has a big appetite – has called her horse ‘Darling’, but there is no true love.
Darling does exactly as she pleases, as if she senses what kind of cute little thing is sitting on her beautiful back, because she is not happy with her mistress.
Everything points to it; the horse reacts so certainly.
With her calves’ eyes she says one hundred times Darling, until you feel sick, before the tracks give the sign to leave.
People can understand that I am not so fond of these people who mean nothing.
These empty characters could make me sick.
I cannot help it for that matter, if I try to repress it, it does not help me.
I think that it is a fault of mine and I will do my best to fight it as much as possible.
Hans rides a horse like a man from the Wild West.
That has already cost Peter, his favourite animal, a piece of meat and him almost a broken neck, so that he now takes it a bit easier.
He has talent, but he is too reckless.
Karel does not experience this sport as an art: he sits on his horse, and that is all.
Erica can ride better than Karel, she has her own style, and no horseman could improve on her.
She called her animal René, which Karel thinks is nonsense, but she thinks that René will then also enjoy it.
When Hans let the word ‘Fledermaus’ slip, her life immediately received inspiration and she had dropped René.
It was Fledermaus right, left and centre.
The name has been shortened a bit, because it has now become Mausje.
That’s women for you!
Karel’s horse is called Pete.
It could not be simpler.
Of course, Hans bought two, the animals are extremely good, they are beautiful animals, and they have a regal form.
That is Hans!
People say that I am riding the best horse of all.
Erica follows me, she gave me these feathers in my cap and the others have to accept her.
I am riding!
I am not sitting; I am riding!
I love this sport so much and wish everyone could enjoy it.
I see nobody, I do not wish to see anybody, but I do not roll out of the saddle either.
I am completely one with the animal, which is a great sensation, you feel every nerve of the animal reaching yourself, and it is as if I feel the very strong animal heart in me.
The horse is talking to me.
Sientje understands me, I do not need to shout, it all happens of its own accord, she listens well and she does everything to make it as pleasant as possible for me.
It is Sientje, not I, who has the talent to build up this unity, she tunes into the human being and I follow her in everything.
One afternoon I went out on my own, first stepping, then into a gallop.
When I saw a nice piece of ground before me, I dismounted.
I lie down and fell asleep.
First there was darkness, it gradually became lighter.
Sientje is standing next to me ...
I hold onto the reins of the animal.
I sleep and awaken again.
I can see a beautiful landscape ... it is summer.
Oh, where is that?
Have I not been here before?
It looks like Italy ... a beautiful plain, flowers everywhere, nature at its best.
I can see a plain, well-kept grass everywhere.
There before me is a tree, just one tree, full of blossom.
I think, I wonder whether I have heard of this place.
What can I see there?
The little children;
I look for René.
I cannot see him.
What are the children doing?
They pick up the fallen blossoms, put them in coloured baskets and continue singing, joyful, excited.
Then I thought: this is the “meadow” of René!
I believe him!
I can see that the child possesses the truth.
However, I am in the light!
I did walk after him, but I made it under my own strength.
I have a look where the children are going, but they are already gone, I cannot see them anywhere.
I stand up and look at the blossom tree.
I can see and can sense, then understand what this means.
I am so happy!
What a gem of a tree.
This is a person!
If you and I are sitting in the blossoms, surrounded by this cropped grass pitch, with this sun and blue sky above us, that sparkling blossom, you can say: I am rid of all troubles, I am mature, I am “born spring”!
Then it became evening for me and I could no longer see anything, but a moment later, I was wide awake.
I looked around me, where was Sientje?
The animal lay behind me; it looks at me with its horses’ eyes aware and eloquent and jumps up.
I cry ... I cannot help it; Sientje is almost a person!
I continue, continue to think of the “meadow” and feel happiness growing within me.
This noble animal is likewise a part of it, because she wants to do as people long from her.
I did not think I was childish, but extremely rare, as I had not felt in years.
I saw and I now live in the state of purity ... I could accept that everything was going well ... I just had to wait!
When I told Hans a few days later what I had been given, Hans gave me a cold shower by saying: “Frederik, you need a drink, you are losing your male consciousness.”
I thought: thank you, Hans, I will speak to you later.
Immediately afterwards he says:
“Do you think, Frederik, that a horse has received the character of a prairie dog?”
I was silent and then he continued:
“I am saying it wrong, do not be afraid.
I meant something completely different.
I mean: does the horse get this body through the character?
Or, the other way round, does it get this personality through the body?”
I did not reply and he continues:
“It is deadly serious to me, Frederik.”
My soul refuses, but yet a moment later I utter:
“I do not know, but I think that all animal bodies give shape and personality to the inner life.
That means that the soul of the animal determines the body!”
Now he asks, shocked: “What are you saying?”
“I told you something from the olden days, Hans.
I do not know any more.”
Silence, in which the feeling comes to me ... miss!
That was then, now everything is different.
Then he asks:
“Will you continue, Frederik?”
Look, that is the old Hans.
He says something himself, I hear:
“You must not forget, Frederik, I am extremely busy.”
“I know, Hans, I can see that.”
“And?”“The soul determines the body, Hans, I think that it is the case.”
“Does that apply to all animals?”
“I cannot give you an answer to that.
However, I think so!”
“And does the animal have a soul, Frederik?”
I wait a moment, then say: “Yes, an unaware one, compared to our soul.
However, it can think and feel like a human.
Take Sientje, for example.”
“What do you mean precisely, Frederik?”
“I mean that the animals close to our environment have also achieved their own independence.
I even think that it is possible to give different types of animal human understanding.
Take, for example, a good dog and, do not forget, a homing pigeon.
You do not find the way home if you have had a drink.
Then you end up at the neighbours, Hans, with torn trousers and your jacket in shreds, your hands injured and bloody.
That does not happen to a pigeon.
In my opinion, that indicates that a little creature like that is close to human consciousness.”
I look at him, then he asks timidly:
“Who spilled the beans, Frederik?”
“You did not see me, friend, doctor, and your colleagues did not see me either, but you almost knocked me down.
Believe me, even if you had broken your neck – I would not have lifted a hand.
I wanted to see whether you learned something.
I would like to tell you, Hans, drinks do not help, if you do not make a medicine of them, you will be blind drunk.”
“Well, well, Frederik, that blow was spot-on!”
“If we start talking about the theosophists, Hans, then you would probably agree with them.
However, I think differently about it.
When you feel the animal heart beating within you, when the soul of the animal talks about the independent self, which has its own world to represent, like ours, you have to accept that they will also go back to the Divine All and represent His Self along with us.
I feel that this life is a skin shed from ourselves!”
“What did you say?”
“I do not know.
You should have remembered it.
It happened outside of myself, it has nothing to do with my thoughts and feelings.”
“You are unapproachable, Frederik.”
“It is not like that, Hans, it is different, but I am outside of it.”
“You are a strange chap.
I can no longer follow you, Frederik.”
“I myself can, Hans ... I can see gaps ... but the little crosses have broken their necks.
I will tell you something, but then you will have to listen carefully.
Animals and humans are one, Hans.
Have you never thought about these things?
Never wondered why animals do not know insanity?
Of course, there is rabies, but is that madness?
I do not think that an animal is possessed.
If you see that we people make too much fuss about our vested self – just look at those two wretches there in front of you – you will start to think very differently about it and only then can you make comparisons.
The animal has remained itself in everything.
However, Hans, can you not see then that the animal is free from low feelings, from a destructive mentality, the so familiar human animal-like carry-on?
I am starting to feel – listen carefully – that all life resulted from one cell.”
“From one cell?
Therefore from God?”
“That is obvious ...
However, if you follow that evolution, then you will come back to yourself and God lives behind that.”
“What are you leading up to, Frederik?”
“Did I not tell you that I am busy getting to know myself and the animal kingdom, nature?
If you become free from your own castle, Hans, you will get contact with the universe.
I am again in blossom, but this one is even more beautiful than the first one.
When you look at the first tree, when you have seen all of it, you will start to feel that you are evolving and you will never again be off target.
Now it is like it happens of its own accord, but you have to experience it first, which is not so easy.”
“What do you actually mean by that one cell, Frederik?”
“That is the origin of life, Hans.
I do not yet know where it started.
What the theosophists think of it can all be very nice, but I will go my own way.
If I get contact with the supernatural for the Universe ... well, then what?
One thing I do know, I see the blood of my body again in everything, even if it has another colour there.
As far as the next stage is concerned, Sientje will tell me, she is already very busy with it.
A dog and a cat now also have something to tell you, and a homing pigeon and not to mention the highest sort, a nightingale, for example.”
“You taking it very far, Frederik ...
Are you not going too far?”
“Have you been able to determine from one of my actions that I am behaving abnormally?
I will take care of that, Hans.
But you live somewhere else, you are in another town.”
“That reminds me of something, Frederik ...
I am leaving the town next week for a few months ...
Leipzig, Berlin, Vienna ... those cities are calling me.”
“If it is necessary, you must go.
I will hear from you.
Greet Vienna from me ...
Go to Franzel Kersten.
Take his Stinkenbrunner on my account ...
However, not two litres, Hans, then you will get a heavy Schwips ... good heavens, what a time was had there.”
“Come with me, Frederik.”
“No, never ... I may not leave for a second.
My pigeons will be the first back, I think, then I will have to get going.”
“You are priceless, Frederik.
I will go for a trot!”
There goes the wild one again.
Peter is like a raging storm!
I hope that every thing goes well.
Hans cannot be seen in anywhere.
The others already think that he has broken his neck, but when we go to the cafe to have a cup of tea, sir is sitting there like a naughty boy.
Peter is running, and the animal likes that; it wants to see the plain.
It is not a horse for this land, it likes the desert, the thoroughbred is happy.
Not Hans ...
He is worried, but I know from where the wind is blowing.
He pays more attention to the ladies than he used to.
Look, I think, this is why you have to go to Vienna ...
Just work it out for yourself.
He is going for his studies, I will see what else happens, but that is a part of it.
There will be a feast ... a pig will be slaughtered ... we will get to see and hear a lot of fuss and noise
I will go my way!
The animals take us home, everyone goes his own way to fulfil his task ... it is not nice, and life is monotonous.
However, meanwhile I am working on my diary ... I am starting to see things more clearly; what used to be shrouded in a mist is now in the sunshine.
Everywhere I look, there is blossom.
That will be the future.
Nothing can force me from the daily goings-on; I will continue to wait, because it is worthwhile.
I am starting to see eloquent justice, universal unity in everything, and that which is trouble and misery to us people, contains Gods core, His Omniscient Eye, His Personality.
The greatest happiness lives in the human heart, as a bond that no one can break, which is purely “love”!
After my daily work, I go for a walk.
Now I thank Him that I have the means to be able to walk.
I do not need to worry about anything.
I am starting to understand that this has been laid aside for me.
Everything has its own meaning, was calculated beforehand.
I now think for thousands of people who are too lazy to do so, who have been dissolved in everyday life.
I start to feel a short peace again, a preparation for the other things which will come ...
It is a stretch of road, where you stop for a moment to overview the future, to have some food and drink, and to reflect.
I now know that I have to let everything sink in, but it is part of me!
There is no one in this world that can deny me this.
There is an interval in the hall ... people get their cup of tea and smoke their cigarette, just like all of us who take part in order to give shape to the play of their lives.
From the din outside you can hear what they think about it.
Just a moment ago, there were already some flowers.
I gave them to little René and you will see them when the curtain opens.
René is now almost six years old ... the child draws and writes in his own way.
Anna taught him to make smudges.
Just a moment longer and we will continue ...