Frederik, Hansi has to go
WE have a severe winter behind us, a dreadful time for soul, spirit and body.
I would not wish upon my worst enemy what we had to experience in those days, we trembled so much from the effort, we were dead tired when René had to leave us.
I now wonder how we got through it, now that I am sitting on my bench again and can enjoy all the beautiful things created by Mother Nature.
The spring absorbs my life, or is it just the other way round and those powers come from me.
However, it occurs to me, can a human being be satisfied?
Is a human being ever satisfied, can he say to himself, now I have everything?
I am provided for in everything?
I now have heaven and earth in my pocket?
In my inner being self peace, satisfaction reign, I am in harmony with everything!
Now that René has gone, we are faced with each other with empty hands.
We have lost something, something beautiful, of which you only experienced misery a few weeks ago, which gives, now that it is gone, emptiness, poverty, misery, it took our happiness with it.
We search for each other, we look each other in the eye, we ask: have you nothing for me?
Did you think of giving me something?
Did you want to ask me something?
Yet there is nothing.
What you thought appeared to be nothing, because upstairs the little room is empty, and the life, the soul, the spirit, the material now lives somewhere else.
It is now as if the life in the human being has something to give to the personality.
It is a voice which you can listen to, if you are open to it.
It is as if you have to start a new life, but you do not yet know how.
I now worry about that.
If you are released from yourself, surrender to the powers in nature, you are sometimes so happy, that this life speaks to you and transfers some of the unknown to your soul and bliss.
I have already seen that before, by keeping the logbook, for example, I was sent all kinds of things, which I later found back in nature.
You do not know where all those sentences come from; we wondered at that time whether it could be inspiration, so that I just say, that nature is also open to it.
Everything has something to tell our lives, if you undergo things with inspiration.
The birds chirp, they talk and are happy.
People go for walks in this beautiful spring, but have their problems, as a result of which they do not see this beauty, cannot experience it, because the daily things dominate and destroy this power.
Then you are a stranger again to God’s gifts, no one can help you, you have to deal with everything alone.
Is happiness imaginable?
I am concerned with the following.
I have lost René and René is happiness to me.
I am busy following Socrates, because that man started our university work by thinking.
In my life there are no scruples, there is nothing which can upset me that much that I succumb in tears.
What are possessions and riches to another person, the good things of this world, became for me the clinical picture of a child, which now stays with me wherever I go.
I am attached to this life and I approve of that, because it makes me happy.
I have nothing else, I would give all my possessions, if I had René back with me.
However, that is not possible!
For that purpose I have to think, I now have to stand on my own two feet, I want to achieve that my life radiates, is open to all the other things, or I will become gravity, pressing, which other people don’t like.
However, a change has already come.
Since I am thinking about myself, René comes a bit closer to me.
If I am open to nature, I follow the life roundabout, then, you will not believe it, René is walking just in front of me.
It is his shadow ...!
I know, it is possible to draw from memories, but I am careful about that, I know that phenomenon.
No, this is different and new to me.
René walks here and I see how his young shoulders are bent, he is carrying a heavy load.
I am empty at this moment, I give myself completely, because I want to help him.
You see, I am busy giving my own circumstances some colour and sense.
I have to fill up this gap with something good.
I am not the type to stare blindly at one point, René, his little room, his comings and goings, all that misery, which Anna and Erica talk about ...
I do not want that, because I am standing still right now!
René is actually walking in circles.
He is looking for me.
He is waiting for something, which is not coming at all.
He wants to go further, but he cannot.
I am starting to feel what it is, because I want my happiness back, possess my contact again with a precious life, for which I live and die.
Now I think of my dove.
I am now starting to understand how she works for me.
Since I open myself completely to René, his being and his life, my dove flies above both of us, which has been given shape through my thoughts and feelings, the will to serve and to help, which is nothing more to me than emotional power as a result of my deepest longings.
There she flies, built up by a human will, inspired with some pure personality and a beating heart, which beats for two souls.
It is rarity, the floating reality of a bond, of lives, who would do anything for each other!
René is finding his way about and I no less than him.
When Erica was pregnant she was sent those same urges, which, however, were destroyed by Van Stein.
I can now see the spirit of sacrifice more lively than ever representing its own world, one which I am involved in.
I empty myself, but my soul gets wings.
That has to become the contact with René’s life.
That at a distance as well!
I heard in the East that you can heal or murder people at a distance.
The facts speak for themselves and they have already achieved their own independence for all those countries.
This can no longer be disputed.
If you hear all those possibilities, you do not believe it.
However, sober Westerners like us still know too little about it.
Yet ... what does an Egyptologist search for?
What does that man want with all that eastern knowledge?
Why have they made a faculty of this?
In order to give all those little dolls worldly knowledge!
It lives deeper under the earth than we think.
They fetched those treasures consciously and unconsciously before thousands of eyes to the surface of our daily lives and gave it soul, spirit, life and personality.
Look, that now flew round above their heads and spoke as a sage never could!
I want to follow that path and, even if I say so myself, I have come a long way!
I can now perceive that René is busy getting to know his surroundings; meanwhile he visits me.
He is already in my vicinity, searches for me, but follows still a wrong path.
Now the big difference ... what used to happen in sleep, is now day work, become day-consciousness, because day and night there is unity for soul and spirit.
This makes me happy!
Our characteristics now bring us together.
It is the emotional life which has that sensitivity, or it would not be possible.
Erica and Anna do not yet need to start, nor does Karel.
They think wrongly, they are too earthly, they think too materially.
This is for the soul!
Since we are children, it will perhaps be possible.
René is old and young, and I am no different.
Yet many people have this.
You keep hearing about it, but we do not yet understand it.
Mothers experience a great deal of this unity; the deeper and truer they love, the sharper they feel how their love is.
Those people also possess a little dove like that, by which I mean that it is not so inhuman after all.
In the East the priest ego calls it: ‘universal unity’!
I want to learn that in order to support little René, I may not leave him alone there.
I believe this will be his salvation.
You see, that is why I don’t marry Anna.
If I do that, my ego will divide itself and René will be alone there.
I believe I am now starting to understand why initiates do not want to marry.
I do not know whether Buddha was married, I think so, at least before he started his mission work, but there are others who would not entertain the idea, because they would then see their lives divided.
I now feel what a woman means to such a spiritual person, they lose themselves in and through the material to which they are attached.
However I also feel that, if you can do that, you will then enter a very different world, in which you receive a love, which exceeds everything and which people like us still have no knowledge of.
Do not forget ... God is also Father and Mother!
I therefore think that all those saints chose the most careful path, because they did not dare to accept any risks for themselves, if they wanted to finish their task and bring ‘nirvana’ to earth.
They closed themselves off to material thinking and feeling, remained themselves and kept the doors of their castles closed to everything, which was in any way female or maternal!
However, did they achieve the sought-after goal?
Did I not say that this is universal parasitism?
What are men and women trying to achieve, if they accept reincarnation for themselves and for other people, but do not create any lives and therefore do not give a chance to come back here?
However, I am not talking about that just now.
However, you see that we will soon come into conflict with frightening laws, which, I believe, represent the degrees of the universe and as a result of which people like us and all life were created.
I do not think that you can deceive these things!
In short, if I open myself to Anna, I will be attached to her life.
Of course, I do not know how I would feel, would act, if I had just reached thirty.
Now that is an entirely different story and it just weighs heavily in my scales of life, as a result of which my soul refuses.
However, for God anything is possible.
I continue with this for a moment, because I have not yet worked it out.
In addition, it is worthwhile; you get space for yourself as a result of it.
If I transfer to Anna, then she will follow me in everything.
Then I will not be able to help René.
Then René will not attach himself to me, but Anna, and I will be divided, I will then live at half strength and we will never get René back.
What weighs heavier?
Or am I imagining things?
However, I do not believe that, because little René is walking there!
He asks for me, he searches for me, he needs help.
Where is Anna?
She is at home and is searching, is looking at everything, would love to experience all the misery again, if only she had René with her.
Erica is no different.
Karel resigns himself to it, but he does not just surrender spiritually, also materially, he is waiting, but everyone can do that.
Yet there is something else.
Imagine that Anna was busy looking for René as I am.
If she thinks as I do, it is possible that she is supporting the boy from her world.
Blast, that I did not think of this before.
If she feels my heart beat in her, she can also feel and experience René’s.
Then we are busy together, because I assume that you will not become a saint as a result of this, do not need to dress up in a white sheet, you have to do it as naturally as possible, but give all love which you have to give consciously, only then do you penetrate that other life and do you get unity of souls!
We shall wait and see.
I shall continue with this later, but it is new to me, it has special aspects in itself; if we want to give blood for it, this possibility also gets shape and personality.
I am and will remain on my guard, because I do not want to be a follower, I want to give everything from myself, but I also want to have everything back for it!
If that was only possible!
When I think about this, I see Hans and Hansi.
They have also elevated themselves for this life to one world, but darkness lives there.
Hans asked me this morning to come and visit him.
I am going there this evening, because there is something the matter.
He was trembling, I think, Anna said, when he passed on the message by telephone.
I am curious.
Yet I continued to think about it all day, how I can build up something good for myself and René, as a result of which this loss is stabilised in the very first place, but especially this standing still, this emptiness, this lack of misery and trouble will be destroyed.
I conclude from this that people like us are never satisfied.
We do not know, we lengthen the struggle, we do not want peace, we are and remain unaware in this great, universal whole.
If we possess happiness, we destroy it again ourselves, because we as people do not yet know our ego.
Hans, with all his possessions, is unhappy.
I have known that for such a long time.
Yet a good core lives in him, but it is lost, as long as he does not begin a fight against good and evil in his life and personality.
When I was sitting upstairs writing again, Anna brought me tea.
I thanked her inwardly and she immediately said:
‘Merci, Frederik ...
How can it be, thank you very much.’
Now the remarkable part of it.
I said ‘merci’, but Anna never uses this word.
She was now in connection with my living heart, which was completely open, so that she got a part of it.
So, despite everything?
I think that I do not need a white sheet.
It would be worth everything to me to follow this path together.
If you come across daisies, the lilies-of-the-valley speak to you, you can make a wreath of them as a life-size personality and place them on her head, as a result of which you experience universal unity.
You are now lying on a meadow, with the kingdom of heavens above you and you see Him, who smiles at you and says:
‘Let the children come to Me, because theirs is the kingdom of heaven!’
Now you cannot see any masks ... it is the state of purity!
Yet ... I shall just wait and see!
I entered Hans’ castle in this state of mind.
I already asked at the door:
‘Where is Peter?
Do you have to open the door yourself?’
‘I am just going to tell you about it.’
‘Where is Hansi?’
‘First sit down, Frederik, everything in its own good time.’
I look at him and I think I see everything.
I thought: good grief, how old you have become.
Where did all those youthful characteristics go?
Did it get to you in such a way, that travelling through the world with a beautiful, young woman?
‘I kicked Peter out.
Hansi is now in Leipzig, and I will put an end to everything, Frederik.
Hansi has to go.’
He looks at me.
Does he want any comment or what does he want?
I only let slip:
‘Did you not know?’
‘You know better than that.’
‘I have been deceived, Frederik.
For a long time ...
I could not believe it, before I had proof.
Yet I cannot do anything.
However, she has to go, I do not intend to make a hell of it.
It cost me a cool forty thousand and more, but that cannot be helped.
Honestly, Frederik, I have remorse.
The patients follow me.
They beg for help and I do not reach out a hand to them.
I will go to pot like this.
That must not happen.
I have been beaten and kicked, but yet I believe that my better ego will win from the bad one.
I have to put an end to it, or I will commit a murder.
My life recoils from that.
That snake has to go!’
We are thinking.
I now feel that every human being can build up a dove, for one person the creature flies, for another it walks on stilts, until there are no more footholds, but the experienced and transmitted thoughts come back anyway and attach themselves to your life.
Now they ask: what do you want!
Hans knows, thank God, he knows.
I have never doubted.
I have known it for such a long time.
I am proved right again!
‘How are things there, Frederik’, he says after a moment.
‘René has gone?’
‘That is good, better than at home.
Nothing can be changed about it anyway.
However, what do you make of my situation, Frederik?’
‘You already know that.’
‘I have to get rid of her.
It was a ball here every evening.
She could not get enough of it.
I am in this world for a purpose, Frederik, do you still believe me?
I shamefully forgot about you.
However, I do not want to be destroyed.
I am sorry about everything, I am contrite.
Do you pity me?’
‘Can nothing be done about it?’
I am living in a hell here.
Whatever way I think, it is not working.
For that matter, I have already taken care of my business.
It hurts, but it is my own fault; I should have known.
Why did you not warn me?’
‘So you could murder me, of course.’
‘You are right, I would have murdered you, I was so far away from you.
What is a human being, Frederik, if you cannot see behind the masks?
Everything is so empty, so hypocritical, you forget the very best in your life, you no longer think about it, and all that for such a snake.
It is poison.
I will quickly put an end to it, Frederik, then we can talk again.
If I need you, will you come?’
We are thinking for a moment, then he repeats:
‘I am probably still good for something in this world.’
Now that I am thinking and Hans decides for himself how to get rid of Hansi in the best possible way, amazing thoughts come to my life.
I do not dare to interpret them, yet I have to smile and Hans sees it.
He immediately asks:
‘Why are you smiling, Frederik?
If I did not know you, I would knock you to the ground.
But I do not understand you.
What is the matter with you?
May I know?
Good grief, how you have changed.
I no longer know you, I believe that nature is already following you.
Are you still researching?
Are you continuing?’
‘That is why I smiled, Hans.
Preserve me, should I laugh about these miserable things?
How could you think that for a second.
No, it is something entirely different.
I believe that I will say it as well.
You have to help me.’
When we were silent a moment ago, you were reflecting how to get rid of that snake and I just thought about your work and your task for this world.
Then, suddenly, I saw myself in your institution.’
‘No, conscious, I wanted to have a course of treatment from you.
I saw myself amongst all those men.
I want to do it, Hans.
When you are ready and you live again day in, day out, for your patients, I’ll come.
I’ll lock myself up amongst your patients for a few months.’
‘Have you gone completely mad?’
‘Not me, Hans.
I now know why I am doing that.
I want to know all about those men.
I want to know how they feel and what all their circumstances are like.
I want to eat and drink with them, talk, sleep, get up and experience the days of the week, in short, everything.
Will you help me?’
‘I have not yet experienced that, Frederik.
If you want, it is fine with me.
You will get your way.’
‘But as a patient.
I want to experience everything.’
‘That is possible!
I will warn you.’
Then I went home. Hans is freeing himself.
We have him back.
Thank God, we have Hans back!
My diary says:
Hans has come back.
He went on a journey, but he forgot that we were still there.
When he was cheated during the journey, he fled back to our lives.
Was I proved right?
The red of her lips had the coldness of death and Hans could not cope with that.
She did not possess any soul except for misery, a spirit for trouble, which can never give joy.
Poor Hans, an expensive lesson!
However, he can take it.
Money is of no significance now.
Seriousness is, and knowledge of people.
The innermost part of your soul now gets dressed up in a white sheet.Hans feels that.
The patients follow him and that is the highest possession of his life, the core, the good, which has to conquer the evil one day and tear off the masks.
Hansi, that Hansi ...
Could it not have been different?
You have no love.
You do not feel any love ...
It was madness to imagine that.
I saw it, I knew it, but I did not know that it would happen so quickly!
I believe that such messages can also grow for us, everything is in the gardens of Our Dear Lord, but you must not be called Hansi.
I shall get changed.
I will put on a lunatic’s outfit for a short time, but they may not know anything about it here.
I feel that this is better.
Because they would just disturb me and then it would be no fun.
Anna, for example, would say: ‘Now he is also going mad.
But never that, over my dead body!’
Erica may not know about it either.
I will go abroad for three or four months.
Meanwhile I work with my dove.
I am already longing to be there.
Wherever I got those thoughts from, I thank the source from the bottom of my heart.
I will get changed, I will lock myself up between the masks, because I want to know everything about them.
Oh, Frederik, you are starting a new life phase.
Can life be worthwhile experiencing?
I think so, but you have to give everything for it.
I reflect upon everything until deep in the night.
I have discovered huge longings within myself and they will be of use to René.
I believe so!
In my sleep I dreamt that I was a crazy person.
I lived amongst many crazy people.
There was one, who called himself Doctor Francisca and who wrote out prescriptions for everyone.
Then it was called: go, my son, and do not kiss the feet of your illnesses any longer.
I became like those people, until I had lost myself.
When the door opened for me, because I was better, I did not even want to leave, I was so well-off there.
However, I had to leave, make way for healthy people, who would become mad and people did not want to know anything about it.
I had to leave whether I wanted to or not.
Oh, what a pain it was, precisely because of the loss of all my friends there.
I saw that they picked me up by the scruff of my neck and booted me out of the door.
They shouted after me:
‘Crazy people do not belong with the people who have their senses, see that you leave, we do not need any more crazy people.’
Hans is standing on a large pedestal laughing at me.
His mouth also opened and I heard him say:
‘Frederik, oh, Frederik!
Did you see all those masks?
Do you know what I now see?
You and I, Karel and Erica, Anna and René, all of us are here in order to wear one mask, but as result of it you have gone mad.
So, just see that you leave.’
Then it became dark around me, but when I looked up for a moment, the sun was shining.
When I was sitting in the tram a while later and looked at a clock, it was exactly one o’clock.
Oh, I thought, that is strange.
Night and darkness are synonymous ... but it is now midday and it should be light!
Anna brought tea and said:
‘How you can shout in your sleep, Frederik.
I have never heard that from you before.
You should go out.
You are doing too much.
That writing costs too much strength.
If you were to go out, Frederik?’
‘Now that you mention it, Anna, I think that you are right.
I also think that I am a bit stressed out.
Truly, a trip of a few months would do me good.
Yes, I’ll think about it.’
I got a fright.
Had I perhaps already given away my plans?
No, I still felt that certainty within me.
However, what is that one hour to me.
One hour ... an hour ... a life, one life ...
Is it Anna?
Light as a result of darkness, because she has followed me ...
She is therefore walking behind me.
Oh, my God, if only I could be certain about this.
One hour, and that during the day ... in the middle of the day ... is consciousness, is colour, is a shape, you must see them as man and woman.
Come on Frederik, to work.
The logbook says:
Anna is already following me!
It appears from everything, because she is just one hour behind me.
I saw that in the street.
What the rest of it means will come!
I believe that I already know, but I do not understand Hans.
Hans was standing on a pedestal and was shouting at me in a somewhat bloodthirsty way that all of us experience one mask.
I put a few question marks behind this, so that I can look at it again later.
I will not go into it now!
This is everything for today.
I will have a nice lie in the garden in order to recover.
They have to know that I need a rest.
I thought, little René, that there were no flowers, but yet, just before the next act, we were sent daisies.
Thank God, they were for you!
I hope that the people do not forget you.
Even if you are away from the stage for a while, people here can sense you, they can see you, they wish you were back again.
I believe that we will also see that happen in the last act.
I also believe that you will be here now and again, just for a few minutes, in order to say something and go back again.
The actual role lies there.
I am watching out, little René!
I will come back soon ...
I am going to get changed!