The break

What went on inside both these beings?
Were they my parents?
Did I have to lead the same life as they?
Was I born to go hunting, to fight, to rob and to kill?
Everyone begrudged another his possessions.
It was always robbing and conquering other territories.
During all that time I had not noticed my feeling for art, but now it pervaded me again.
Something was growing inside me to which I could offer no resistance.
It became increasingly profound and I started to think about my future.
What should I do here?
I decided to talk to my parents about it and the next morning I decided the time had come.
My father thought it was ridiculous and burst into a passionate, almost bestial laugh. I became red with anger when my mother heightened the already tense atmosphere with her jeering.
I told them that I could not be what they wished of me and that I was not born to be a ruler.
At that moment I played with my life, but I had carefully considered what I had to do.
I was driven inwardly towards it, which I clearly felt, and I put everything at stake.
I was therefore aware of what I was doing and challenged the leadership of my parents.
I was not permitted to say anything more.
‘You, an artist?
Ridiculous’, my father repeated.
Yet I also said that I was not suited to what they wanted of me and asked: ‘Let me go my own way.’
However, that was too much.
He jumped at me like a wild animal and flung me across the room.
Then he left and my mother also departed.
He came back again and said: ‘I will give you one day to change your mind, no longer’, where upon he disappeared again.
I went into nature in order to find peace again.
My steps unconsciously took me to my favourite spot in the wood where I used to spend time with Marianne so often and I sat down to have a think.
An enormous power went through me and my decision was so firmly established as if it was engraved in the depth of my soul.
I would and should leave here as soon as possible, or it would cost me my life.
I felt clearly that I would have to control myself in everything, if I did not want to bring him to extremes.
I gazed in front of me in thought, but nature had also changed.
I was standing on ground which scorched me inside and which I hated.
Then my early childhood passed before me.
Where was Marianne?
What had become of her and her parents?
Would I ever see her again?
Those poor people had not done any wrong, had they?
They were innocent.
Here she had sung for me, I could still hear her sweet voice.
How happy we both were.
It now gave me strength to fight to the end.
I was fighting for my happiness and feelings, I was fighting for myself, at least I thought so, because why would I experience all this otherwise?
One memory after another came back to me, they were full of the joys of life.
On this spot we were joined in matrimony by my nurse.
How sharp my thoughts already were then.
Here I understood that I had not changed in any way, I had been like that since a child.
When I thought about my birthdays, an anger towards that other being arose in me.
I would never wish them this happiness, I would not be tied, I wanted to be my own lord and master.
I smashed all those laws and rules to pieces, because I now had to take action and understood what awaited me.
What could perhaps happen meant that my life hung on a silver thread.
They could do what they wanted with me.
Their parental control was unlimited and I already saw myself in the torture chamber to force me.
They had the right to do so.
I looked at my poor body and already felt the torments it would undergo.
A stabbing pain cut through my chest when I thought about it.
Until now I had prayed little and yet I sent up thoughts for help.
My opponents were too powerful for me, I would have to taste defeat.
I remained in thought for a long time, asking for help and a tremendous peace came to me.
A soft wind blew through the bushes which made me shiver involuntarily.
It left to me like betrayal because I did not trust anything anymore.
Something was brewing and that silence frightened me.
My peace from a moment ago dissolved in it and I became a plaything for various feelings.
Everything around me was now in deep peace as if it was awaiting the storm approaching.
It was so frightening that I thought I felt the storm.
I saw flashes of lightening and heard the peals of thunder.
The roaring became more powerful and stronger and uprooted the greatest giants of the wood.
They had withstood the elements for centuries, now all this beauty was razed to the ground and destroyed.
I got a fright from myself when I felt this, so that I carefully felt myself and did not know whether I was awake or dreaming.
Yet I was awake, but a strange scene raced through me.
I came back to this scene and had to accept that I had sensed it exactly.
Everything around me had been destroyed, there was nothing more to be seen of my parental home.
The stronghold of my ancestors had once stood there, now it was a mass of rubble.
Now I heard calling for help and hurried in the direction where it came from.
My steps took me to my parental home and I saw that everything was in good condition.
With a shock I came back to myself again.
How could this be?
Where did those feelings come from?
I had heard the storm, after all, I saw the giants of the wood fall and heard the calling for help very clearly.
Had I dreamt it then, was I not myself?
Was I no longer completely aware of life around me?
I am surely suffering from nervous exhaustion, I thought, and I had to try to calm down.
Yet I thought it was amazing, because I had really seen that happen.
It was now calm around me and I went back to the place where I had come from.
It was also peaceful here and quiet, very quiet even.
The birds sung their beautiful song, which did me good and brought me back to myself.
Oh, how tired I was.
But why was I not like other children?
Why those strange things of a moment ago?
Yet I had felt it and it clearly went through me, it was very clear.
There, I suddenly saw some traces of my sun, my light, on that tree.
Now I suddenly knew why I had made them.
I longed for happiness, light and warmth, but they were not given to me.
My light was destroyed by the elements.
If I had done as my parents wished, would everything have been different?
No, I had tried, after all.
This incident upset me so much that I could not think about it.
Now I saw danger and destruction in everything.
My God had also fallen apart. He, whom people called God and worshipped.
I could not pray and yet I thought about him a lot, since childhood.
How had I spoken to Him?
Then my thoughts returned to my light.
It happened as a result of a shower, slowly but exasperatingly my happiness and light flowed away.
Was this my life?
Was this a symbol of myself?
What made me think like that, from whom were these thoughts?
I thought I was too sentimental, jumped up from where I was sitting and went for a brisk walk.
I felt feverish, but I no longer felt the dullness from a few days ago.
What had those academics done to me?
Examined my brain?
But how, they couldn’t look into my head, could they?
These thoughts occurred to me and I thought I could solve the mystery.
They had put me to sleep and perhaps forced me to tell my true feelings involuntarily.
But was that possible?
Did their wisdom reach so far?
One of them had given me a piercing look, which I now understood for the first time.
But I discarded all these thoughts, I was indifferent to everything.
However, during my walk I went back to the time when I walked here hand in hand with Marianne.
That was a wonderful time.
We had played ‘burial’ and I had made her statue.
Where was it?
Of course, in my museum.
I had almost forgotten my little figures.
I was soon at the spot and recognised the place where my miniatures were hidden.
If Marianne was still alive and had some shape and had not dissolved like my sun, how happy that would make me.
I carefully removed the earth and the first statue that I took out was still alive.
Before me lay Marianne, wrapped in cloths like a mummy, I took her out of her grave.
She was still alive and the statue had gone hard, it was protected against decay.
My Marianne, my dear little friend, I only love you.
I could trust you.
But where are you now?
I embraced her and gave her a kiss on her forehead.
The likeness was exact, little lights came from her little eyes with which she looked at me.
It was as if she was speaking to me, but however much I listened, I could not understand her.
I also had the feeling that I had already known her for a very long time.
This feeling went further than my childhood years, it could be as much as hundreds of years.
I could not express this in words, because it was so strange, but I thought that I knew her better than myself.
Then the scene of us getting married passed before me and I also felt something remarkable about this.
I felt elevated, removed from the earth in feeling, as if this union was made in heaven.
Yet I had to laugh about it, because my imagination was surely playing tricks on me.
How precious this statue was to me now.
However, I hated and despised the ground from which it was made because it belonged to my parents.
Yet I wanted to keep the statue, it was a great treasure to me, one of the many beautiful memories from my early childhood.
I was lost in thought for some time.
Where should I leave my Marianne?
Take her to my room?
Danger threatened for her there.
I did not need to think for long, I put her back in the same place where she had gone hard.
I set off home in a happy mood.
The day passed, tomorrow I would have to reply to my father’s question.
I was prepared for the worst and prepared myself for the things that would come, however horrific they might be.
The next morning I discussed it first with my mother, who asked me various questions and became very angry when I told her my plan.
‘Why do you get those things in your head?
You are a curse to our family and deserve to be tortured.
You do not need to count on me, you father will deal with it.
It is not too late yet, you can still choose our side if you change your mind.
Artist!’ she added and burst out in roaring laughter.
Her eyes pierced me, but I remained calm, because I could not say anything to this and so I waited for my father to come.
When he entered he immediately asked me what I had decided to do.
That awesome peace came to me again, which was not mine.
Considering every word and thinking deeply, I told him of my plans.
While I was talking he became bright red from anger, but I tried to make it clear to him that I was not suited to be a ruler and wanted to follow my own feelings.
Then he forgot himself and came towards me.
‘You scoundrel, you ungrateful being!
You curse us and also curse yourself!’
Because I was calm he became more and more upset and before I knew it I had received a blow from his muscular hands and I tumbled to the ground.
I remained lying in a corner of the room, the blow had been terrible.
My mother watched all of this without doing anything about it.
Viper, I thought, you will never reach me like this.
My father ran back and forth through the room and I felt that my life was at stake.
I remained lying where I was, I was too dazed to be able to get up.
Were these my parents?
Should I love them?
‘She’ who sat watching this terrible game had carried me under her heart.
Now I got to know them as I had never know them before.
At that moment I became aware that I knew better than before what I should do.
I had chosen and would stand by it at the cost of my life.
I did not wish to remain here any longer, because I would no longer be able to carry on living.
I saw them as animal-like beings, but an animal had its freedom, a person, on the other hand, was forced to do what another person wanted.
Whether it was wrong or not, people just had to obey.
However, I did not wish to obey, never!
I defied his power, had no longer any feelings for him and my mother, because I saw that she was enjoying herself now that my life was at stake.
I thought that my father would nearly have a stroke, he was struggling to breathe.
How would this end?
Suddenly he remained standing before me and looked at me for some time.
His eyes were bloodshot, his temper had reached its limit.
I looked in front of me, but he called to me: ‘Look at me, wretch!’
I looked at him and got a fright.
How he had changed!
He was no longer a human being, he was an animal.
However, I felt like a newly born baby, I could think, nothing stopped me.
It was as if none of this concerned me.
It was the same feeling that I had already had a few times when I was modelling clay, I felt this very clearly.
‘Stand up’, he called, ‘stand up, or I will strangle you.’
I tried to stand up, but it was impossible for me.
I was too dazed, my knees trembled and I fell back.
He thought that I did not want to stand up and he shouted at me again: ‘Stand up.‘
But I could not and remained lying down.
Then he got hold of me, lifted me above his head and threw me a few meters away from him.
I remained lying there, not a sigh passed my lips.
Blood flowed from my mouth, but it was still not enough.
Again he stood before me and roared at me: ‘Speak, come on, speak, what do you wish to do?’
I could not speak because I had nothing more to say.
I was lifted up for the second time and my body flew through the room, then I fell down with a thud.
Again he asked me to tell him where I got these ideas.
Who had infused me with these devilish things?
Who had infected me and poisoned me?
I felt a sharp pain in my chest; it was like I was broken.
My mother let me carry on, she did not say a word, she agreed to the chastisement which he gave me.
Suddenly he ran out of the room.
My mother remained, but she did not say a word.
How miserable I felt!
He came back after a few minutes and flung some documents at my feet.
‘Here, wretch, out of my house!
Your body will poison this earth if I cannot make you change your mind.’
I understood him immediately.
My life had been saved, because he was afraid of my body.
A great happiness flowed through me.
Both of them then left the room and I was alone.
After a short while I tried to move.
Oh, how everything hurt!
I made every effort because I could not remain lying here.
Suddenly I was overcome by a fear, would anything be broken?
No, I could move and after much effort I managed to get to my room.
I lay down on the bed and after resting a while, I took my clothes off and bathed my chest and other parts of my body which were wounded with cold water.
It did me good and it immediately refreshed me.
Now I started to think because I had to leave here as quickly as possible.
I was still alive and he could change his plans.
Then the torture chamber would await me and it would mean my end.
Within him lay fear, shock and superstition, but I did not have any of those things.
I had unconsciously got hold of the documents and taken them with me.
I knew for certain that I had not put any willpower into it.
What kind of documents were they?
I looked at them one by one.
He had destroyed my birth certificate and certificate of origin.
However, there was one valuable one and I could cash it in.
This was now the only thing I possessed of the many millions which he had.
A pittance, but I was satisfied, I could not wish for more.
I had another rest and then I would be ready to leave.
Suddenly I heard some noise near me and heard a soft whispering calling: ‘Lantos’.
I called back to come in and my father’s old servant entered.
‘What do you want?’ I asked him.
‘Can I help you?’ he said to me.
‘How do you dare to come to me?’
‘I just wanted to tell you that your parents have gone for a few days.’
The old servant looked at me and continued: ‘If God could tell you Himself He would advise you to go.’
‘Where did you get those words from and why are you telling me this?’
‘You know that I have known you as a child.
Already at a young age, when you were still in the cradle, all of this was predicted to me.
However, I have never spoken about it.’
‘Who predicted it?’ I asked with interest.
‘A woman, but you know that she will be hanged if your parents know.
She said: ‘This house will go under.
May God give you the strength to remain silent, or your life will be in danger’ and I am telling it for the first time.’
‘Come to me, worthy friend.’
I took hold of his hands and kissed them.
‘Lantos, my Lantos!
The world is open to you.
May God guide you; may His blessing rest upon you.’
I thanked him for these profound words because I knew that he was very religious.
‘Are we alone in the house?’
‘We are alone, but I have to go.’
‘Farewell then, my friend, farewell.’
The door closed behind him.
A friend had gone.
Yet the sun shone in this dark place as a result of the love and faith of one person.
What he had told me was remarkable.
It referred to what I had observed a few days ago.
However, I had to think of myself now and act.
Thank God, they had gone.
I understood why they had left and felt grateful.
In the evening I already felt much better, but here at home I could not reach such deep thoughts and so I prepared to go on another walk.
I felt quite good, nothing was broken.
But where should I go?
During my walk my plan ripened and I felt where I should go.
I would try my luck in another country.
I wanted to become an artist, a sculptor.
My feelings for art came back.
I felt again as I did as a child.
It became more and more aware, sharper and more clearly outlined.
I came to the place where I had hidden Marianne and stood still in thought.
I wanted to take her with me.
She, my dear little friend, would inspire me.
I got out her statue and it was still completely intact.
When I thought about that time I felt a flow going through me which I experienced as happiness.
I looked at her statue for a long time.
They had been the most beautiful hours of my life which I had experienced.
They would probably come back!
I remained in nature until late at night, which eased my wounds and strengthened my spirit.
I came to myself here.
Was I cursed?
Did a curse rest upon me?
I thought about this for a long time.
Who would curse me?
Yet it was strange that I had detested our possessions since my childhood.
Why were those feelings in me?
Did all of this have a meaning?
Why did I not want that wealth?
Was that life not much easier?
What awaited me now?
I knew that what awaited me would be more difficult.
Earthly happiness lay here at my feet.
I could command, live it up without a care, be served and carried on hands.
Yet I felt the deep chasm between me and my parents, their family and possessions.
However, it all seemed a mystery to me and it would remain a problem.
Was this love between parents and a child?
I was disgusted by everything.
Who possessed love?
If there was a God, was He then a Father of Love?
Could He approve of all of this?
Was this God’s intention?
It was remarkable that I now started to think about God just when a new life awaited me!
Did a curse lay upon their lives and mine?
That curse would not leave me alone; it kept coming back to my thoughts.
Would I come back here again?
Would I meet them both again?
Where and when would that be?
I did not want to see them again, they could not be reached.
I did not want their life, nothing, none of any of the things which were a part of their possessions.
I felt at this moment that it would be a long, very long separation.
Was it for this life?
Was there a living on?
A life after death?
If that was the case, did the possibility exist that I would see them again?
Would we understand each other then?
Was I the one who did not understand them?
I had already asked myself this several times and answered myself, and yet I kept on and on asking about it.
However, in the end I became indifferent; I would go and as soon as possible.