In contact with the invisible world
It kept changing within me and this kept me busy, it let me think and feel and also cope with it.
I learned as a result of it and got to know the many qualities in me and to suppress all those longings, so that I also learned to accept.
The silence was frightening, it was as if death awaited me.
It would soon take hold of my body, but there would not be much left of it then.
I felt it, it waited for me and sooner or later it would come to me.
Then I would give in to it, because it was dear to me, very dear.
My love for it had grown.
It sounds strange, but yet I am telling the truth.
When the darkness was around me I then became anxious.
The night before I did not think that I was alone anymore.
I thought I saw shadows which floated around me and went upwards and downwards.
I looked at them, then I closed my eyes, but could still see them.
When I opened my eyes after a long time, they were no longer there and my fear disappeared.
When evening fell and it became night, I was shivering.
All those things would make me crazy and that seemed a terrible thing to me, I did not want to become like that.
I wanted to remain conscious until the final hour.
The following night I saw them again.
They even looked like people!
However, I did not accept this, because I was here alone and did not want to suggest things to myself.
Yet it could no longer be denied, I kept seeing them more sharply defined and did not know how to resist it or shut myself off from it, so that I yearned for the day.
The nights were now a terrible torture to me, because I had never experienced anything like it before.
It would have to undermine my physical powers because I was not resistant to it, I now felt that very well.
When I perceived that it was as if my soul wept.
I sat still there, very still and did not move, I would not have dared to.
They came back every night, what could I do?
I made all kinds of movements, closed my eyes, thought of other things and yet they forced themselves upon me and soured my rest which I needed so badly.
When it was day, I kept thinking that I had imagined things, but at night the opposite was proved.
A night now lasted an eternity for me.
There was no end to it and I did not know which way to turn.
They were just like people, they had bodies like you and I and yet they looked like animals, because an indescribable cruelty, fear and destruction lay around them.
I was not imagining anything, I could not do that, I had been too sensible and too much of a searcher in my life for that, but they were there.
I did not yet know what this meant, but they would not bring me much good.
They could go where they liked, I saw them disappear and come back through those thick walls.
They at least enjoyed freedom.
They were everywhere, because I saw them more and more, above, below and next to me, they even went through me.
I had never heard of this before.
What kind of beings were they, at least if they were beings?
They became increasingly clear to me, I even saw their hands, which looked like claws.
Were they people or animals, did they live in this world or another world?
I wondered what the meaning of all of this was.
One night I saw their eyes which radiated like fire and then I started to think they were people.
But where they came from I did not know.
During the day I begged for help because I would go mad because of it.
Was there no God then?
Did I have to experience all of this?
During the day I saw nothing because I was sleeping then.
But I did not want to sleep, I had to stay awake and sleep at night so that I would no longer see them.
Yet I did not manage to stay awake and so day had become night to me and the night had become day.
A strange situation, one torture was worse than the other, and now I had many.
I called for mercy, but I did not see any change.
All my calls for help did not help, God was deaf to me, if there was a God.
Now I started to doubt even more, there was nothing else in me which still believed in anything.
A God could not approve of this, because I could not stand it.
Sometimes I screamed, not softly, but loudly, but nothing, nothing, no help.
Finally I gave up.
There was no God, people just imagined that.
Meanwhile these beings continued to make my life a hell, they were not disturbed by anything, nor by my imploring.
As soon as it became twilight there was darkness around me.
Then I sat hunched up, waiting.
My suffering was unbearable since it was so dark that I could not see a hand before my eyes.
I sat trembling and shaking, my nerves were so in control of me.
How tough a human body is and yet people could endure so little.
My thoughts when I entered here were that I would not bear this for long, but the time passed and the release of death did not come, although I was only a skeleton.
Yet a human being can endure a great deal, because in my last cell I collapsed when I had not yet experienced anything.
It was quiet and terrifying around me.
I felt that they would come and already saw movement.
Sometimes hours passed without me noticing anything and then I tried to sleep, but could not get to sleep.
I did not want to be so afraid anymore and resist it, it would probably be different then.
Now I saw a few beings beside me and an ice-cold stream of light went through me.
What was this now?
Yet they left and I became a bit calmer.
However, I must have fallen asleep, because when I wakened it was day.
Thank God, this night had given me some peace.
How fortunate I was, how grateful I felt that I had slept and had not seen these beings.
I did not feel like eating and no longer felt thirsty, that was also remarkable.
It became colder and colder and I had to try to overcome that.
I would endure anything if these mysterious animal-people or whatever they were just stayed away.
My fear of the night became stronger and stronger.
If only I knew where the end was.
Suddenly I thought of Marianne again, I had not thought about her for a long time.
My time was greatly taken up, because so many countless things happened here which my spirit had to deal with.
However, the past few nights I had not seen any more shadows, so that I could naturally think about other things.
I already thought that I had been mistaken, that the darkness was playing tricks on me.
How would she be getting on?
When I thought of her motherhood, I became angry.
Why did I have to see her again in this way?
Well, she knew nothing about my life, not even that I was alive.
Would she have to make good for her actions?
I was already busy paying and soon I would go to hell.
It was still not enough, if I thought about that and my approaching end, I winced.
All these horrors and then still damned?
It made my soul tremble.
I forgave Marianne for everything and would continue to love her.
I could not think of her life, she had asked me and yet I did so gladly, it would kill the time.
I felt my love for her awakening again and this was because I yearned for warmth.
The more I suffered the more my love for her grew.
To me this was an ointment, it caressed my inner self.
Yet I only felt love for her, not for any God or other human being.
Sometimes I thought that I could hear Marianne praying.
Was that possible?
Yet I discarded these thoughts because I did not want to kid myself about anything.
He, the Creator of Heaven and Earth could save me.
How can it be, I thought, that I keep coming back to God?
I did not believe in Him, but there was something inside me that kept making me think of Him.
I found it very strange, as everything and all my life had been.
It came up from my deepest inner self.
Did I have to do with God after all?
Did a part of Him live in me?
Why those continual questions and why should I think of it, again and again?
It was as if I was a part of Him, I could not free myself from it, my thoughts kept returning to Him.
When I thought of Marianne and felt her love, I then thought about God again.
Why that teasing, was my suffering not enough yet?
Did God force His Love upon me?
How I would like to love You, you God of Love, but look at everything that clashes, which is unjust.
I violently suppressed all these feelings for God and Marianne.
Yet my longing for love kept coming back, I yearned for that warmth, no, I begged for it.
I did not even feel that other misery anymore, only this.
However, it disturbed the peace of my soul, it tortured me so terribly that it was as if I was lying on the spiritual rack.
Was this love?
Or was I just imagining things?
Oh, to be able to receive a smile from her, to see her before me, she who was mine alone, how great my happiness would be then, could not be grasped and I could not express it in any words.
I went from one thought to the next.
My brains became confused, I felt it from my thoughts.
God, Marianne, love, food and drink, those beings and my whole life, drove me mad.
Yet, however strange it was, I started to long for those shadows, because I was afraid that I would go crazy.
At least that gave me some diversion, the time flew past and I kept myself busy then.
I felt that I had become a plaything for my own thoughts, I was flung back and forth everywhere, left and right, but I would rather smash my head against the wall than go crazy.
That seemed completely unbearable to me.
The thoughts of love which were inside me hurt but they also warmed me.
When I was free I had not felt the warmth of love in such a way, now, however, it was as if that love had become greater, more spacious and truer.
How I could love now.
I longed for nothing more than to be able to give love, to take care of my love, smile at her and protect her, then I would feel as if I was in a paradise.
I did not want to love as people think they love, no, not that, but I wanted to feel be at one in feeling, understanding and thought.
Then I would see God in her, be able to feel God in her.
As an artist I could not yet do that and this is why I now understood that the suffering and sorrow which I now received and experienced, mature, had to mature the love of the people, because I started to appreciate what I once had and now missed.
You see, I thought about that, I felt it within me, it burned inside my soul and I let it burn, because it did me good in this cold.
My heart and my whole being shouted and wept for it.
So the days and nights passed.
I had not seen any more of the shadows for some time.
I started to long for them, because also these thoughts were no longer bearable.
It no longer mattered to me whether it was night or day now.
It was all the same to me, because I had no thoughts anymore.
I no longer had longings or yearnings for something dear.
I only felt empty and tired, because I thought everything was unjust and merciless.
I had received some good against the cold and I was very happy with it.
Now I could stand up to that long winter, if it was necessary and death did not come to get me before then.
I was sitting in my corner again, because walking round in my cell, just continually going in circles, made me dizzy and so I waited for the things that would come.