I ended my life and entered the spiritual world

Everything which I experienced here was emotional, but now I started to long intensely for death.
All my longings had made place for this one thought of ‘death’.
Roni was luckier than I was; if only he had broken my skull instead of me breaking his, because this suffering was terrible.
The day had gone and night was approaching.
I wanted to try and get some sleep.
The wind howled again through the hatch but that no longer frightened me, I was now used to it.
I only longed to be able to die, no more than that.
I felt a bit calmer inside, but I could still not get to sleep, so that I involuntarily started to look around me again.
Yes, I saw some movement there, so they were approaching.
I had not see anything of them for a long time.
I had therefore not imagined anything.
I still did not know whether they were humans or animals.
I followed all their movements and thought it was amazing that I was no longer so afraid as before.
They became clearer and clearer, but remained shrouded in a haze.
I followed them in everything.
Really, I now thought, they are people.
But where do these people come from?
Now I heard a whispering noise and I tried to catch the meaning of it.
But it was so soft.
Then I suddenly asked: ‘Are there people here?
Are you living beings?’
I waited, but did not hear anything, but the life became closer and closer around me.
Unexpectedly I felt something incomprehensible entering me.
It was as if I was being spoken to.
I asked again if they were people.
Again I heard talking, but I did not understand it and asked: ‘Are you really a human being?’
Suddenly I heard it said very clearly: ‘Like you.’
Like me?
But that was impossible, wasn’t it?
I was locked up here and was alone.
I asked: ‘What powers are it then which you possess?’
‘Yours’, I heard it said.
‘Mine?’ I repeated.
‘Yours’, I heard again.
‘Are you human or animal?’ I asked.
‘Human, like you.’
‘And where do you live?’
‘Here, close to you, around and inside you.’
I did not understand any of this.
Inside me?
Was I connected to the invisible world, to the Hereafter?
Was there a life after death after all?
I asked again: ‘Have you died?’
‘No’, I heard, ‘we are alive, aren’t we?’
Now I still did not know anything.
I now saw various beings next to me.
I could make out their bodies and saw that they were human.
So they were telling the truth.
They looked at me and smiled at me.
I repeated my question, but did not get an answer.
Now I asked: ‘Are you from the earth?’
‘Yes’, I heard it said, ‘but in another world.
Between life and the Hereafter.’
I did not understand any of this either.
I thought that they were making a fool of me or was I suggesting that myself?
But at the same moment I heard it said: ‘I am telling the truth, you can see us, can’t you?’
‘Yes, I can see you.’
‘Well, come to us then’, I heard it said, which made me shiver involuntarily.
‘To you?’ I asked.
‘Here you will be freed of all your torments.
Here is life and you can amuse yourself.’
That upset me, because they knew what I yearned for.
Then they had to be people, because they thought like I did.
But why no straight answer to my question whether they had died on earth?
‘Did you die?’ I asked.
Then I thought I heard satanic laughter.
Were they devils?
‘Tell me who you are.’ I asked again.
‘It is not possible’, I heard.
‘Why not?’ I asked and heard: ‘Do you tell everyone who you are?’
This answer was clear, only humans could think and talk like that.
Then I asked: ‘Can you think like I can?’
‘Like you.’
I did not hear anything else for some time, but I saw them clearly.
First I wanted to deal with this, because I did not yet understand any of it.
Yet I asked a few more questions, but I did not get any more answers.
The night wore on and the day approached, but I had still not got to the truth.
I thought about everything the whole day and longed for the darkness, because I was experiencing things which I had not heard of in my life.
One thing was clear to me: those beings were appalling.
They were figures, human beings, but more like devils.
During the day when it was light, I did not see or hear anything from him.
Apparently they could not bear the day light.
Yet I longed for the night, because it took away my other feelings, my suffering, hunger and thirst and yearnings.
Now the day lasted a year for me.
I did not know how long I had already been here.
But from the season, when the heat made way for the cold, I knew that another year had passed.
I still did not understand how my poor body could bear that.
I almost froze from the cold and suffocated in the summer.
Yet neither of the two happened, I remained alive, however poorly I was.
I could distinguish all those different feelings which had gone through me.
I had suffered the most because of those different feelings of fear as well as my longings.
Now a new occupation was approaching and I could amuse myself with it, I yearned for it, so that the day now lasted an eternity for me.
I would now probably get to the truth, many mysteries would be solved.
Everything inside me would change if I only knew all about their lives first.
I did not need to change in appearance anymore.
If I was to appear before my friends as I now was, they would no longer recognise me.
I had a long beard, my hair hung to my shoulders and it was snow-white.
I looked like an academic, like a respectful person and yet I was a murderer.
A great change had taken place inside and outside of me.
I sat down in my corner as usual and waited for the night.
As it grew darker I also saw them approaching.
They were still shrouded in a haze and I already knew when I could start to speak and they would answer me.
Around them I now saw a reddish light, but through it green flashes of light and I involuntarily had to think of an approaching disaster which came to me along with them.
But when they came closer by, I only thought of myself and the questions which I would be able to ask.
Did I see clearly?
Really, I saw a woman.
Where did she come from?
‘Are there women here?’ I asked.
No answer.
I had clearly perceived the females outlines, this is why I was an artist.
An artist’s eye saw more sharply than that of an ordinary person.
I saw women again, it was not one but there were dozens of them.
I saw their bodies move, going up and down, as they played a game, as thousands of flies can do.
They floated elegantly upwards in order to pass close by me.
They were tangible, but I did not dare to move.
Was I dreaming or awake?
I touched myself, hit my fist against the wall, pinched my sunken cheeks and established that I was awake.
Yes, they were women, I now saw them clearly.
I listened whether I could hear them speak and saw them embracing each other.
It was strange, but I was very calm and watched them.
Suddenly I heard a voice which I immediately recognised and I was also convinced that I heard it within me.
‘Do you want to ask questions?’ I heard it said.
‘Oh’, I said, ‘please, yes, please.’
And I asked: ‘Am I seeing properly, are they women?’
‘You are seeing properly’, I heard and I was happy.
‘Tell me, where do these women come from?’
‘From the earth’, said the voice.
This is a clear answer, I thought.
Then I heard it said: ‘Can you see me?’
‘No’, I said, ‘I can still not see you’, but I noticed something condensing near me.
‘Yes’, I called, really pleased, ‘now I can see you.’
I looked into two eyes which radiated green and looked at me with a penetrating gaze.
Then I heard it said: ‘Are you a human being?’
‘Yes, you are like I, a human being, I thank you.’
Then it withdrew and I asked: ‘Is there amusement?’
‘There is everything here.
We live as we want to ourselves.’
‘Wonderful.’, I said.
The conversation now moved on quickly, it went of its own accord.
‘What should I do in order to come to you?’
I then heard very clearly: ‘Put an end to your life, do not remain in this dungeon, come to us.’
‘Do you mean that?’ I asked.
‘Yes, of course, I mean it.’
‘Tell me first, have you died?’
The being appeared to have to reflect and after some time I heard: ‘We have all died.’
‘So’, I said and added:
‘So there is a hereafter?’
‘Something similar.’
‘So there is no death?’
‘No’, I heard it said, but it sounded sharp to my ears.
‘Great’, I said, ‘so you live on the other side of the grave?’
‘Yes’, I heard, but it had taken a while before I got this answer.
‘Is something disturbing us?’
‘Yes’, said the voice.
‘I thought so’, I said.
‘But do you live in a hell?’
‘No’, he said, ‘it is wonderful here.’
Then I heard a laugh, but did not understand why they had to laugh at my question; I had meant it seriously, after all.
‘They are not laughing at you’, I heard, ‘they are having fun.’
‘Fun?’ I repeated.
And I was bored to death.
There they had fun, were together and I was always alone.
Now I heard it said according to my thoughts: ‘Then come to us?’
‘I will have a serious think about it’, I said.
Then I asked what occupied me the most. ‘Tell me, dear friend, is there a God?’
I now heard a horrible laugh and I felt that my question was put in a stupid way.
Their laughter sounded satanic to my ears.
However, I asked: ‘Are you laughing at me?’
‘No’, he said.
‘Do you know a God then?’
‘Not me and none of us do’, I heard him say.
That was another clear answer, they did not know God either.
‘Tell me, dear friend, but give me a clear answer, are you damned?’
I listened carefully and heard him say: ‘None of us know anything about it.’
‘So there is no damnation where you are?’
‘Not here.’
If that was the case, I wanted to go to that world.
‘One more question, which you must answer clearly.’
‘Ask as much as you like’, I heard.
‘I thank you, I am very grateful to you.
Does a fire burn where you are?’
‘Fire, you say?’
‘Yes, fire?
Fire burns in hell, doesn’t it?’
‘There is no fire here.’
Not that either?
Are the clergy on earth crazy or am I, I thought.
‘They are crazy’, I heard him say and he repeated, ‘there is no fire burning here.’
‘How happy you make me, dear friend, how happy I am.’
A deep sigh escaped from my chest.
If that was the case, I could feel love for God again.
I thought for a long time and he did not speak to me either, as if he apparently knew that I had to think.
After a long time I asked: ‘Have all those clergy - and there are many of them - been wrongly informed?’
‘Yes’, I heard, ‘that must be the case.’
‘And the Holy Father?’
‘He also.’
‘That is terrible’, I said.
Then millions of people were being cheated.
If they did not know, then who did know?
They were representatives of God, weren’t they?
Oh, that incomprehensible God.
All those academics who knew God were there on the wrong track, they knew nothing about God, like me.
I was very grateful to my friend, but this problem became increasingly complicated, now I could no longer understand any of it.
What a mystery!
‘Come to us’, I heard him say, ‘and your suffering and sorrow will be over.
Everything will stop, come, come soon, time is pressing.’
‘Will I be with you?’
‘Of course.’
‘Is there night and day where you are?’ I asked.
‘Did you not hear me?’ I asked again, since it took so long before I got an answer.
‘Yes’, he said after a time, ‘but I cannot explain this to you.’
‘Is my question so difficult?’
‘Not that, but do not forget that we are in another world.’
That was true, I had not thought about that.
Yet I found it strange.
My question was not deep, but human.
The smallest of children knew about day and night.
Is that world so incomprehensible?
It had to be, because all people on earth knew nothing about it, not even the highest clergy, as they said.
‘Tell me’, I asked, ‘do you have enough to eat and drink?’
‘We have everything your heart desires.’
‘How happy you are there, I have nothing at all.’
‘Come then and do not wait any longer.’
Now I asked again: ‘So you died?’
‘Yes’, he said.
‘Thank you, now you are clear.
On earth?’
‘On earth’, I heard.
‘Can you tell me some more?’
‘Only what you ask me.’
I had a think and could not think of any questions.
Yet there were thousands of them inside me.
After a while I asked again: ‘Do you know that I am waiting for my death here?’
‘Yes’, I heard, ‘you already told me that.’
I will still go mad, I thought, because I confused everything.
‘So you are dead and you are alive?’ I asked and was pleased with my sharp question.
‘Yes’, I heard, ‘we are dead and we are alive.’
Now I knew enough.
There was therefore no death.
They lived in another world and I would enter it.
Then death was something wonderful and I did not need to be afraid.
I asked: ‘Did you also put an end to your earthly life?’
‘Not me, but many people here.’
‘Great’, I said, ‘I will come soon, I have to have a good think about it first.’
It seemed a big step to me, but then I would be freed from all misery.
‘What do you think you will do?’ I now heard again.
‘I will have a think first and then I will tell you tomorrow evening.’
Then I heard something like a growling, but thought that it was not intended for me and that some being or other did that, which I had picked up.
Then I heard: ‘I advise you to decide soon, time is pressing.’
I was told this for the second time and I replied: ‘I will hurry up.’
‘Good’, I heard, ‘very good, because you still have the power to do it.
Soon your starved body will no longer be capable of doing it.’
‘That is clear’, I said, ‘I did not think of that.’
He was right, soon I would no longer have that strength.
I thanked him, but quickly asked, since it had already begun to grow light: ‘Are you helping other prisoners here?’
‘Yes, one more.’
‘And the others?’ I asked.
‘They cannot hear or see us.’
‘So I am privileged?’
‘You are’, he said.
‘You are gifted’, he added.
That was true, how clear this answer was.
‘Do you know’, I also asked, ‘that I am an artist?’
‘I know.’
‘From who?’
‘I can see and feel it.’
‘Wonderful’, I said, ‘you are a good judge of character.
Is that other person whom you are helping also gifted?’
‘No’, I heard it said.
‘You are more sensitive that he is.’
I also understood that and was pleased about it.
I still heard: ‘Now I will leave and have a good think, see you tonight.’
‘See you tonight’, I said, ‘and thank you very, very much.’
The beings dissolved before me, because the night made way for the day.
Now I had a great deal of problems to think about.
Would I decide to do it?
I found everything remarkable.
It was very interesting.
I was the most pleased that the clergy of the earth did not know anything about these problems.
How they bragged about their wisdom!
How learned all these people were!
They were the chosen ones and yet they knew nothing, nothing of this life.
I felt very happy and had forgotten all my misery.
I thought about it all day.
God did not damn, there was no fire, two great problems were therefore already answered.
They had food and drink there, they lived there and they could go where they wanted themselves.
It could not be better.
I would put an end to my life, for sure.
But how would I do this?
On those bars?
That was the only place which could be considered.
Hitting my head against the wall was not so certain.
I did not want to stay here any longer, because I longed for the people, parties and food and drink, for love and happiness.
Men and women were there together, it could not be any more wonderful and I was satisfied with everything.
I had nothing here and it could be a long time before I would die.
I did not want to experience those dreadful nights which I had experienced in the beginning, then I would go mad.
Now I still had the strength, but not any more after a time, because I was becoming continually weaker.
Would I have to lie here as a sick man?
No, I was determined to put an end to my life and already longed for the night to come, in order to tell him.
I did not relish being eaten up by all that vermin.
Was Roni also in this world?
Then I had not killed, but only taken away his earthly life.
A feeling of relief came into me.
Roni was therefore alive and now knew more than I did; I would even see him again.
Also Marianne!
Then we would go hand in hand further and be able to love each other.
Oh, what happiness awaited me there.
If she was already there, I would probably see her immediately.
However, if she was still alive, then I would wait.
In any case, I was alive, she was alive, there was no fire and they did not know about any damnation there.
Many beautiful things awaited me.
My body could soon be buried.
I would like to see their faces.
If I could write here, I would leave a wonderful note and thank them for everything which I had enjoyed all that time.
The sun set, soon it would be night.
I thought of all the questions which I still had to ask and wanted to be prepared.
I had to try and think clearly.
The night before was almost fateful for me.
My brains became confused, but still I had remembered the main questions.
They were the questions which my whole soul yearned for.
I sat down in my usual place and waited.
To my left I already saw movement.
I immediately asked a question but did not get any answer.
I would still have to wait.
However, wherever I looked I now saw life everywhere.
They came up from the depths, which was really amusing.
I suddenly heard it said: ‘Good evening, my friend.’
‘Good evening’, I said, ‘I am pleased that you have come so early.
Do you know that it is evening?’ I asked.
‘I heard you say so’, he said.
‘Do you not know that yourself?’
I listened, but did not hear anything.
Then, a few minutes later, he said: ‘What nonsense.’
‘What nonsense?’ I repeated what he had said.
Yes, I said to myself, it is nonsense.
I have other questions to ask.
‘My dear friend, can you hear me?’
‘I can hear you and I am listening.’
‘Thank you, but listen carefully, I have something to tell you.
I will put an end to my life.’
‘Very good, but do it quickly.’
‘Will you help me?’
‘Yes’, I heard, ‘I will help you.’
‘Will you make me happy?’
I got a terrible fright, because a satanic laugh resounded.
Are they devils? I thought.
Amidst all that laughter I thought I heard a terrible screaming.
Where had I heard that before?
Oh, yes, when Roni died.
Now I did not know anymore what I should ask.
‘What are you thinking about, dear friend?’ I heard him say.
‘Why are you laughing at my question?’
‘What makes you think that, I am not laughing.’
‘Am I suspicious?’
‘Yes’, he said, ‘this is none of your business.’
‘Then why are they laughing?’
‘They are enjoying themselves.’
‘Oh, that is different.’
I now saw many beings together and they were having fun.
There was something which repulsed me, which disgusted me, but I rejected it.
They meant well for me and I should not be ungrateful.
Yet that disgust came back to me and it made me afraid.
I therefore asked him: ‘What is it which makes me afraid, do you know?’
His answer was sharp and I heard: ‘Your conscience.’
‘My conscience?’
However, I had to admit, the man was telling the truth.
I was a murderer, I had killed.
‘Have you anything else to ask?’
I thought about it but did not know what else to ask.
‘I have little time’, I heard.
‘Well, that is a pity.’
‘I will help you.’
‘That is fine’, I said, ‘that is wonderful.’
‘So tomorrow?’
‘Tomorrow’, I said.
Yes, I would do it tomorrow.
Now I became dazed, their world became invisible to me and I fell asleep.
It was already light when I awoke and I felt wonderfully rested.
They gave me that, I thought.
I felt strong and soon I would prepare myself to leave here.
I left the food which I was usually brought.
Now I no longer needed food, I would get other food, when I would be with them.
I would not burden my starved body, it had suffered enough.
I spoke to my poor body and said that it would get other food and many other things besides, but suddenly my train of thought became stuck.
If this body was dead, then it would not need any more food, would it?
What kind of problem had now come to me?
My thoughts were remarkable.
That I had not thought of that before.
Where did those thoughts suddenly come from?
I felt myself becoming dizzy.
The light in my eyes grew weaker.
Would I go blind?
I jumped up and walked back and forth.
I slowly started to see better again.
I became weak, very weak, it was high time that I put an end to my life.
I would soon prepare everything.
I would make a long stick from the straw and fasten a rope behind the bars.
However, I did not have a rope.
Then I would have to rip up my blanket.
I sat working calmly on my straw stick, but my thoughts were concerned with that problem, with dying and food, because I did not understand properly what that meant.
Oh, that I had not thought about that further.
The spirit, of course, did not need food anymore.
However, I did not know anything about that either, I had never heard of it, but it must be the case.
The spirit, I repeated again, the spirit!
‘The spirit’, I suddenly heard it said within me.
Who spoke to me?
There was talking inside of me.
‘The spirit, it lives, the spirit continues to live.’
I became afraid, that upset me, I was no longer myself.
I cursed my own thoughts.
Nonsense, nothing but nonsense!
I had to hurry up, he had warned me beforehand.
Hurry up, Lantos, hurry up, you are going mad, blind and much more.
Soon I would die, then I would no longer need to think.
‘Not about this, but about thousands of other things’, I heard.
‘Is it you?’ I asked.
‘Can you reach me during the day?
That is wonderful.
I will be ready soon’, I said.
I now tied all those narrow strips together, attached them from above to my straw stick and tried to get them behind the bars.
While I was trying to do this, at the same time my heart started to beat so intensely that I thought I would collapse and death would have mercy on me of its own accord.
What did this mean?
I felt a power go through me which was not my own.
I had to look for support in order not to fall.
My vision also weakened and so I had to give up my plan for a moment, in order to catch my breath.
I am also going blind, I thought.
It is high time, I am taking too long.
Yet I had thought that this would be easier.
It was as if I was being worked against in my actions.
When I was sitting there resting, I suddenly heard knocking on the cell door.
That had not happened before.
Were the gaolers polite?
I heard it again.
Well, well, you will go completely mad, if you do not see that you get there, I thought.
However, first I had to get my breath back.
My vision became weaker as time passed, because I saw my surroundings shrouded in a haze.
Yet I saw movement coming into that haze.
Were they my friends?
The haze became thicker and thicker and now I saw an apparition, which built itself up just like they had always done.
Only now I saw light, a strong light surrounded this being.
I could clearly see its outlines.
This apparition had a beautiful face.
What would I now experience?
I heard it speak to me.
‘Listen, my friend, my brother, listen.’
His voice had a different timbre, as I had never heard before.
‘Do not put an end to your life.
The suffering which you have experienced cannot be compared with the suffering which you will then receive.’
‘Who are you?’ I asked.
‘I am a spirit of the light.’
‘Why do you not come closer?’
‘That is not possible.
I repeat, I have come to warn you.’
‘Me?’
‘You.
You will have to suffer terribly and you will be lonely, so do not put an end to your life.
You cannot destroy your life because the spirit lives on in eternity.’
‘Do you know about an eternity?’
‘I live in eternity, dear friend.’
‘I already know’, I said, ‘your brothers told me so.’
‘They are my brothers, but demons of hell, who will destroy you.’
‘What did you say, destroy?’
I looked at the being and asked: ‘Have you come to spoil my last hours?’
‘No, to help you.
I already spoke to you before, but you rejected me.
I am the spirit who just spoke to you and I want to prevent you from killing yourself.’
‘You did that?
You do not even wish me my death?
You wish me to be in torment for even longer?’
‘Quiet, brother’, he continued to speak, ‘be quiet, keep calm.’
He looked at me, a powerful current brought me peace.
‘What do you want?’ I asked.
‘Remember, dear brother, that God gave you life.
Our Father Who is in heaven, your Father and my Father, gave you life and you may not destroy this life.
It is God’s will not to do this.
God is love, my child, never forget this.
When you have completed your punishment, you will begin another life.’
God is love, I thought, God?
‘You say God is love?’
I could not control myself and burst out laughing.
God is love?
‘Do you know’, I said, ‘how I have suffered and begged?
Do you know why I am here?
Do you know, dear friend, how I was treated?
Do you know that I am being eaten up here by the vermin which gnaw at me and that that loneliness drives me crazy?
You speak of loneliness, have I not been alone here long enough?
I ask you, do you not wish me my death, my happiness?
I will possess happiness there, food and drink await me there.
Amusement and friends await me there, women and men.
I am going under here, physically and mentally.
Clear off, spirit of light.
Go back where you came from, I no longer wish to hear your smarmy voice.
Go, I tell you, go soon.
Leave me alone, do not interrupt my work, let me do what I want, I do not need your advice, not now or ever, go, go!’
How angry that person made me.
‘You are of the devil!
A clergyman of the earth.
Have you perhaps come from your master?’
I thought I would suffocate laughing when these thoughts came to me.
My friends had told me about that and I understood.
One of those beings was standing before me.
‘Go back’, I said.
He still stood there and continued to look at me.
‘If I had tools and stone, I would sculpt you’, I said.
Yet he did not go away and I felt an awe-inspiring peace coming into me.
He was a remarkable person.
‘Will you not leave?’ I asked.
‘This as well, my friend’, he said.
‘You cannot be reached now, but one day you will need help.
If the loneliness overcomes you, the silence makes you sad, then you will probably need help.
If it is possible for me to come to you, I will help you.
Call me, my name is Emschor.
You hear, Emschor.
We will see each other again, one day, one day.
You think that I am talking nonsense, but you will experience all of this.
You will be tortured by thirst and hunger.
You curse God, but you curse your own life.
You will go further and further, because there is no end.
You will enter another life that is the life of the spirit, there, where I live.
I will go back, but before I go, dear friend, I want to tell you this: I have come to help you, but you do not wish to be helped, you do not want any help.
I also put an end to my earthly life once, many centuries ago.
I thought I would destroy myself, but I lived on and had to pay for this on the other side of the grave.
I therefore tell you, this misery cannot be compared with what awaits you.
Know that I am your brother and that I speak the truth.
Farewell, my son, know what you do.
God be with you.’
The spirit disappeared before my eyes.
The haze in which he had come dissolved and I was alone again.
This was a remarkable event.
I held the straw stick in my hands and was speechless.
Where was he?
I called his name, waited a long time, but did not hear anything.
I called again, no answer.
Was I busy going mad?
Was I almost at the stage of losing my mind?
‘Where are you‘, I called really loudly, ‘if you want to help me, then come to me, then say something to me.‘
No, not a sound reached me, nothing, nothing.
I knocked on the door, felt all around me, hit my fist against the wall, walked up and down my cell a few times, spoke to myself and went back to the place where I was sitting.
I was still normal, because I knew and understood what I was doing.
But then what?
My eyes?
Was I going blind?
I was just imagining things, because why did I not see him now.
I was just holding myself back.
I would put an end to my life quickly, because I was going blind, I could no longer see properly and it was therefore high time.
I did not want back to loneliness, I wanted to see people and life around me.
I was becoming ill here.
I still had the strength for it, soon, when I was blind, it would be too late.
I jumped up and pushed the stick upwards.
Yes, now I managed it.
I pulled the cord down and made a noose to put my head through.
I looked around me, but there was no being in my presence.
First I tested whether it was strong enough to bear my weight.
Yes, fortunately it held, but I trembled with each action.
I now felt myself becoming feverish, my heart beat in my throat and my knees shook.
What would I now experience?
I had the feeling as if the blood flowed from my body.
Was it so difficult to die?
Now I gathered all my strength, put my head through the noose and let myself fall.
The cord cut into my flesh, a rattling sound rose from my chest and I felt that I was suffocating.
My head was bursting from the effort, my eyes bulged from their sockets and my chest swelled up.
Suddenly I thought of Marianne.
Then in a flash my earthly life passed before my spirit and I felt a terrible thing happening.
I felt that I was being torn apart, as if I was being pulled to pieces.
Then something pulled me upwards and I heard a satanic laughter around me which trembled in my soul.
It sounded false and mean.
Where was I?
Was I alive?
Now I heard talking, but far, very far from me.
Yet I understood every word.
I heard: ‘Now you are here, with us.
You will see life, much, very much life.
The animal life will gnaw at your soul.
Revenge!
Finally my time has come, revenge is sweet, Lantos Dumonché.
Revenge is sweet, do you hear?
Our ways will now part.
Know that you once tortured me, stole from me and ruined me.
May your life be cursed!
Cursed, you and your family.
Farewell, you have paid your debt.
Revenge!
Revenge!
May the devil take you!’
How terrible, what a monster!
‘The worms will find a home in your soul.
You will not meet me again.
Revenge, revenge’, I heard from very far away and silence came.
But I was alive!
Was I with the dead?
What possessed that being?
It was the voice which had always spoken to me.
Had I wronged him in some way?
Had I succumbed?
Did I still live on earth?
Where did I live?
I could see and hear and yet there was darkness around me.
Where were all those beings now?
What a shock, how awful that was.
Had I died?
I could barely breathe.
There was a crushing belt around my throat, my head was tense.
I looked around me, what was that?
Next to me hung my material body and I recognised myself.
My material body hung there on the bars and I hung next to it.
I tried to move away, but something held onto me and pulled me back to the earthly body.
However, I wanted away from that body, but a power was stronger than me and I was flung back into my material body with a thump.
It was awful.
I lived in the spirit and could not go where I wanted.
Was I dreaming or was I crazy?
Now I felt an intense cold.
But where were they?
Why did they leave me alone now?
Was I in eternity and had that shining form spoken the truth?
Were those others demons?
Had I not suffered enough?
I had been cheated and burst into tears.
This was my first disappointment, but a terrible one!
They had plunged me into a new misery.
A misery which I had to get to know and which I felt would be even worse than what I had already experienced.
Hate, nothing but hate awaited me on this side.
Revenge, the being called to me, revenge is sweet.
Had I wronged him in some way?
I did not even know him, did not know anything about it.
Had I destroyed, deceived and tortured him?
I wept for a long time, because I was shocked and deeply moved.
All of this was frightening and I trembled from their hatred.
Now I wanted to know what held me, but first I had to be calm, very calm.
I saw that a cord came from me which connected me to my material body.
This cord worked as an elastic.
It lay around all of my earthly body and it was impossible for me to break it.
My God, I called in desperation, what have I done?
How could You approve of this?
If only I had listened to that shining spirit, who spoke the truth.
I felt even worse than in my cell.
How false, how mean they were to wish this upon me.
Was I in hell?
I did not see any fire, so they had told the truth about that.
I tried to tear myself free again, but my strength gave way and I had to stop.
My throat closed when I resisted being tied.
When I remained calm, I had already felt, it was bearable and I could breathe.
However, at the slightest resistance everything came back to me with a fierceness and I suffered terribly.
Did a curse lay upon me?
I did not understand this.
However, one thing I did know, there was no death and I now lived in eternity.
I now remained as calm as possible, because I wanted to think.
Finally I knew that there was no death, but I was alone, completely alone.
It was an empty world in which I lived.
I tried to understand my situation.
Was this the Hereafter?
I lay down to sleep, but felt that was also impossible.
I felt an intense process within me and that process kept me awake.
What have I done, I thought, how stupid you have been.
I felt, heard and thought like on earth, I had not changed in any way.
I felt my heart beating, I was hungry and thirsty, but I had nothing, no food, no drink and I yearned so for them.
I still wanted to try again to free myself from my material body.
I wrenched myself completely into my earthly garment and wanted to move.
No, that was impossible, I went through it.
It was dead, my corpse hung there, I had lived in that, that garment had borne me and served me until the moment that I had put an end to it.
I here was Lantos Dumonché and that there was only an additional thing, a work of art from the powers of creation, but it had no value in this life.
Soon this garment would be buried and I would live on, probably until infinity.
It was remarkable, when I thought of other things, I did not feel my misery so intensely.
I soon understood that if I switched completely to these thoughts, that other part would not torment so much.
Did these powers belong to this life?
I would observe everything properly and try to master this, perhaps it would ease my suffering and also what I would still have to experience.
This life, I clearly felt, was so very different to the earthly life.
In this life I thought and immediately experienced those thoughts.
On earth you had to think first and then act.
Here it had already happened, which I had clearly noticed.
I now got to know a terrible problem.
I already knew death and eternal life, even if I still knew little about it.
Would I also get to know God?
How I longed for it and yet I trembled when I thought about Him.
But I would wait, absorb and deal with everything properly.
I had the feeling as if I was floating between heaven and earth, because as I already said, this world was empty, I was living in an empty space and could not feel any ground under my feet.
Can you imagine such a thing?
I started to feel even more and I knew now that I had closed off, had wanted to destroy my earthly life, which was not possible anyway.
The spirit Emschor had spoken the sacred truth and I would not forget his name, I would probably need him sometime.
Light lay around him and I recognized the truth from that light.
When I had recognized that I had still been in my earthly body.
Yet all that suffering and those problems, all that misery and that lonely sitting down had brought me here.
How I had forgotten myself.
But I did not know any better.
But there was also loneliness, cold and deep darkness here.
The silence which I felt here was frightening.
Again I followed the cord, because I still could not accept it.
Yet when I felt my condition, a deep sorrow entered me, because I thought I understood this horrendousness.
No, that was not possible anyway, I could not deal with that, because it would destroy me completely.
I understood now that my material body would first have to be decayed before I could leave.
I had to experience the decaying process myself.
My soul sunk when I felt this.
Now I understood their saying that the worms would find a dwelling in my soul.
Oh, how dreadful this truth was.
By means of this I felt that working in me, all that incomprehensible life.
This could not be doubted, I had to accept that truth, because I saw and felt it in myself.
This upset me completely, it was a devastating truth.
No torture, no misery on earth however cruel could be compared to this horror.
If only my father had flogged me to death, how gladly I would have surrendered myself to him.
I was revolted by what I felt and perceived, because the process had already started.
How long would this last?
An inhuman thing started to take place and I had to experience that.
A horrible smell entered me, and I understood that too.
I had even kept my nasal organs in this life.
My earthly pains and all those sorrows in my dungeon were trifles compared to this new and spiritual suffering.
If there is a God after all, a God of Love, if there is justice and mercy, if sympathy exists which people and animals feel, if there is an Almighty Father in heaven who watches over all His children, then I ask myself, how could You approve of this?
I would have to be in hell.
However I did not see fire, but this was much worse.
Oh, my God, this too on top of so much suffering.
People on earth knew nothing about this.
How deep these problems are, how dreadful spiritual suffering is.
Oh human being, do not put an end to your earthly life.
Do not close off the daylight, accept, accept everything, otherwise on this side you will stand before your failed life.
How I would want to call that out to those on earth, loudly, very loudly!
Whatever happens, whatever you experience, however terrible your suffering on earth is, do not do this, endure it, because everything comes to an end.
You have light, you see people, you can go where you want, you have your own will, you have everything.
But I was stuck here, had to experience that my body decayed and felt it, because all of this was taking place inside me.
What is broken love, what is the loss of your loved one, your possession, money or goods and thousands of other things, when you know that there is a continuation?
As a result of sorrow or various other things, many people put an end to their earthly life, but then they will have to experience this, this dreadful thing, the decaying process of their own garment.
Here I reached reflection, in the silence of my own grave I got to know these problems.
Oh, if only I could tell this to mankind one day, if only this would be possible one day and I would be allowed!
If those laws and powers existed, then I would lay down my soul powers in there and describe all my misery, in order to preserve the people on earth from this dreadful process.
Perhaps that would be possible.
There were so many laws and problems which I had already got to know, perhaps this would be possible too.
I felt that I should start to attune myself to peace, otherwise my suffering would be incalcuable and unbearable.
I already felt that when I kept calm my throat did not hurt so severely and I could breathe.
But I could not sit down quietly anyway.
I wanted to move continuously, had to be moving, because then I did not feel the working which my body was undergoing.
I could not rebel either, had to be calm and think, then I got to know all these states.
I now started to feel the life which lived in my material garment more and more clearly.
When I tried to get away from here, everything came back into me intensely and yet I kept on trying it, because I thought I could do it anyway.
But it didn’t work, I was stuck inexorably.
I experienced the law of cause and effect.
Small causes have large effects and I thought that this was the largest and last effect.
I could not have ensured myself any greater misery.
I felt that this was the deepest sorrow.
I had violated a law which cannot be broken.
Now I understood what the spirit of the light meant.
I felt and saw that law, no, I experienced that law with heart and soul.
If this had happened, would I then be able to go where I wanted and would suffering and sorrow come to me again?
How long had I already been on this side?
Now I thought I felt movement.
Next to me I felt shadows and those shadows where like those who had lured me here.
I felt that I was carried from this place and I understood that too.
People started to bury my body.
I could not see the people, could not hear them speak and yet I knew where I was going, what was happening to me.
I strained to listen, but no, I could not hear anything, no murmuring reached me.
I was closed off to that world and I had done that myself.
I now felt that I descended and reached peace, but I did not see the coffin in which I would have to lie anyway.
What belonged to the material was invisible to me.
Everything was invisible, only not my body, because I lived in that, I was attached to that.
My body and I were one by means of that cursed cord.
If it had been my time, would that cord be broken then?
I already started to ask questions again.
When a person dies, would these bodies then separate and did one go into the earth and the other live on?
It had to be the case, because I experienced it here.
I was spirit and the spirit lived on until infinity.
The spirit of light who had warned me said this to me.
What a long way I would have to go.
Where was God?
Here?
This could not be His Heaven, because this was pitiful.
The shadows which I had just noticed disappeared.
My earthly garment now lay in the grave, but I myself lived next to it and had to experience all of this.
I had to come to myself in this dreadful silence and in this way I thought of my whole life on earth.
Everything which I had done, down to the last detail, all my thoughts and deeds passed before me again.
Then I came to Roni, I had killed him.
Roni, my friend, where are you?
Do you live in this world, or do you have a different one to me?
Are you also so sad and have you also received so much suffering as I?
Oh, Roni, can you forgive me?
I thought about him for a long time and could not get rid of these thoughts.
I kept on thinking about my murder and about him, my friend, whose life I had destroyed.
How dreadful a murder is, to take away a person’s happiness, his light and everything it may be.
I did not have the right to do that.
How my deed cursed and went against all laws.
How wrong I had been.
Oh, I begged him furiously for forgiveness.
Now that I experienced all of this myself and the yearning for life came back to me, now that I felt how wonderful it was to be able to live on earth, to be able to do anything in whatever form, I now realised what I had done wrong.
Roni, my friend, I called, I will beg you for forgiveness.
Where are you?
Come to me, I beg you, take this away from me, forgive me and I will make up for it, will pay for everything.
I will give my life, if you will forgive me.
I thought about him for hours, no, weeks on end, according to earthly time.
I could just not rid myself of him, he alone occupied me.
Why, I wondered, why must I think of him so intensely?
Sometimes my thoughts weakened, but then everything was forced upon me again and I compared these problems to his life, which I had destroyed.
Now I thought I saw more light, or was I imagining things?
It was calm again inside me, but I continued to think of my friend, these thoughts and feelings remained inside me.
Was I hearing properly?
I listened carefully, it was as if I heard something.
A voice?
A soft noise?
I listened again and yes, I heard a soft voice, a whispering resounded in my ears.
It came to me as if from afar and I thought I knew that voice.
Now it became clearer and I heard it said inside and around me: ‘Are you wakening me up?’
‘Oh, is it you?’
I did not dare to say his name, but I had to and I asked: ‘Is it you, Roni?’
‘Yes, it is me, you wakened me.’
‘Me?’ I asked.
‘You, Lantos, only you.
However, they are other powers which give you the strength to waken me.
Oh, how great my sleep is, how deep, how deep I went to sleep.’
‘Where are you, Roni?’
‘I do not know.’
‘Can you forgive me, Roni?’
‘No’, I heard him say.
‘No?’ I repeated.
‘How can you be so harsh?
I beg you, Roni, I beg you, will you forgive me?
I have suffered so much.’
‘I also, because my life was cut off and you did that, Lantos.’
‘Forgive me, Roni, will you forgive me?’
‘I would like to, Lantos, but that is not possible.’
‘Not possible, did you say?’
‘Not possible.
The deed, your deed remains.’
‘Where did you get that knowledge from?’
‘I know this, it lies inside me, you hear, deep inside me.
It is a power which is stronger than I myself.
This power says so, it forces me.
I have to listen to it, because it pushes me into this situation.’
‘How awful, how harsh you are.’
‘I am not harsh, Lantos, I want to forgive you, but it is impossible.
Only then, when all of this has dissolved and those laws have come to harmony.
We disrupted those laws, you and I.
Both of us, Lantos, will have to make up for this, only then can I forgive you.
But why did you waken me?’
‘Me?’
‘Yes, you.’
‘I am not conscious of it.
Where did you get this wisdom from, Roni?’
‘It lies within me, I can feel it.
It is as if I am dreaming and am speaking to you from my dream.
Who gives me the power to speak to you?
Do you know that?
Can you answer me?
Come on, Lantos, give me an answer!’
‘I do not know, I cannot answer.
Everything has to dissolve first, did you say?’
‘I feel that it will be so.’
‘What are you doing now, Roni?’
‘I have to sleep, but I will live.’
‘Do you know anything about Marianne?’
‘No, but I will see her, I will meet her.’
‘You?’
‘Me, Lantos, because I have to, since I sense it.’
‘Are you still provoking me in this life?
Do you still dare to hate me, you bastard?
You are a scoundrel!
You with Marianne and me here?
How dare you say this to me!
How cruel, how demonic you are, you hear, demonic.
Your hatred is demonic.
You ... ‘
I felt myself collapsing; but after a moment I returned to my former condition.
‘Roni’, I called to him again, ‘do you mean that?’
I listened but did not hear anything.
Then, after a short moment, I heard him say: ‘Why are you calling me back?
You are depriving me of my rest, let me sleep.’
‘Tell me, Roni, whether you mean all of this.’
‘It lies within me that I will live and see Marianne again.
But why do you evoke this in me?
Who gives you the right to do that?’
‘I am not calling you back, Roni’, I said, and asked: ‘Can you see me, Roni?’
‘No’, I heard him say, ‘but I can sense you, I can only sense you.
You are here with me.’
‘That is not true’, I said, ‘I am here.’
‘Whatever the case’, he said, ‘I can feel you and can hear you talking to me.’
‘I can also hear and feel you’, I said to him.
‘I have gone to sleep, but when I awaken I will feel that I will live.’
‘Do you think, Roni, that it is other powers as a result of which we experience this?’
‘I must be, because I hate you, you hear, I hate you.’
‘How harsh you are.’
‘Who placed those loving thoughts for you inside me?
I repeat, I hate you, Lantos, I hate you.’
The voice came from afar to me, I felt that he, Roni, had gone back to his world.
Where did he actually live?
Yet another problem.
He would see Marianne and I would not?
Why him?
What did this mean?
Oh, that scoundrel!
He hated me beyond the grave.
Had I wakened him?
Was he sleeping then and did he have to sleep?
It was very strange again.
Who would help him and me?
I had felt something, saw more light, but now it was deep darkness again.
Could it have been that figure of light?
Emschor?
Was it he?
It must be the case.
Roni was awakened, he spoke to me like in a dream and I felt that there was something which had achieved this.
I thought Roni was harsh, because he still hated me.
However, I had asked him for forgiveness and I now felt relieved.
He would just have to decide for himself what he did.
I was sorry that I had got angry again, but he had been like a devil and had not changed in any way.
I wanted to make up for all my sins, but not he, he wanted to live; he hated and continued to hate.
He wanted to live again?
Or did he have?
Was this a law?
He and Marianne?
However, I could not sense her.
Why could he and not I?
Did he have a right to her?
As a result of what?
Oh, that devil, he provoked me, he thought he could also torment me here.
However, I forced myself to think of other things and tried to come to myself.
As a result of all that thinking I became tired and I wanted to try and see if I could sleep.
However, I had to give this up, the process of decay kept me awake.
I now knew nothing more about time, because I had stopped noting the days in my cell and I could not do that here.
In my feelings months had passed, but it could also be years.
I continued to think and think and I kept trying to free myself.
Yet I could already move a bit further away from my earthly body, as a result of which I understood that the end would come one day, although it could still be a while.
Within myself I felt many other feelings, which came to me straight from my material body.
I could not stop those pains and that feeling, that life went on, had to go on, otherwise I would remain here for eternity.
The quicker this process was completed, the better it was for me.
As I already said, my thinking brought some relief, because I then went into the feelings which I thought about.
As a result of this I understood that, if I could tune into other things, I did not feel so intensely my pains and all the torments which I now experienced.
Everything here was concentration and I learned to master all those attunements of feeling.
Suddenly I felt an intense shock going through me.
I wondered what this would mean.
It came from my earthly body.
I concentrated and understood the meaning of this event, I felt and saw it clearly.
My earthly garment had entered the second phase of disintegration, I had already felt such a shock before.
Since I felt and perceived this, I understood this great and mighty problem, however terrible it was.
I would experience this misery more and more deeply, until my earthly body had decayed.
I had to get through this, deal with everything until the very last.
It was a dreadful process.
Inhuman!
However, once I was free, I could go where I wanted and I would get good food and drink and I could enjoy myself.
Or were they also lies and deception?
The process of decay kept interrupting my thoughts and the phase in which my body found itself reminded me that I could still not go any further.
This took me to other thoughts.
As a result of this I got to know myself.
As a result of this I understood that I myself was in charge of everything in my earthly life, that I controlled my body and had let it act.
If I myself had not wanted it, my hand would not have lifted that piece of marble, Roni would still be alive and I would have been spared all this misery and what I had already experienced.
I was Lantos Dumonché, the artist, my garment was my vehicle, but the spirit also had the feeling body, which lived on after death.
I myself was an unnatural and incomprehensible being, I had not understood myself on earth.
How impenetrable I was.
However, what was the end of me, of my body?
Would this, what I now was, go continually further?
Further and further to more incomprehensible situations and strange places?
Would I never go back to the earth again?
What was the aim of the Creator, because I understood and really wanted to accept that there must have been someone who had created this and knew beforehand what the beginning and the end would be.
Otherwise none of that whole creation would be right and if I had to continue to live here, it would be a pathetic situation.
Then it would not be a creator, but a destroyer.
Whatever the case, I understood really well that, if I had controlled myself on earth, everything would have been different.
How perfect these bodies fitted together, how naturally they worked in the material life, how simple both bodies were, but how deeply mysterious for the people on earth who could not see through them.
If this was possible for them, then the person on earth would be faced with unlimited possibilities.
Then his capabilities would be unlimited, the clergy of the earth would know that no one could be damned, as a result of which they could remove the fears of the people.
Then no one would take their earthly life, because they would know that it was not possible and otherwise new misery, even more animal-like and inhuman would await them.
I was pleased that I understood all of this and it relieved my suffering.
I tried to move away again and I noticed that I could now go a few metres further.
I also thought that I could perceive something new.
It was very peculiar, when I looked at my material body I saw into the darkness, but above me it was a bit lighter.
Was the universe there above?
I crawled around on my hands and knees but did not feel anything.
I only saw that darkness and that light, it was not possible to touch anything.
However, I wanted to know about it and reflected upon it.
Unexpectedly I felt what it meant.
Suddenly that thought entered me.
That darkness there, where my body lay, that was the earth and here above me was the universe.
Therefore when I felt clearly, I was on the edge of my own grave.
The cord stretched, since my body decayed.
The material world was in the darkness and the universe was separated, which I could clearly see.
Yet it was so rare that I still kept going through the material.
Would this one day condense, so that I could move as on earth?
How slowly this process was completed, but the end would have to come, anyway.
I waited in silent resignation and when I could no longer control myself, I started to think again.
I kept having to try something else, or I would not be able to keep going.
I felt and saw my life on earth passing before me again.
I had already followed everything a few times, but then I started to think from the beginning again.
I did not want to forget any thoughts.
I followed my mistakes and every deed again and again, however trivial and small, I was able to remember everything.
Only from my childhood I did not understand this, there was a power within me which had driven me from home, had urged me to break away from my parents.
Had I also been myself in this, or were it other powers unknown to me which had worked upon me?
Was it they who had enticed me to this world?
He who was waiting for me and whom I would have destroyed?
You see, I did not understand that and yet I felt that this was also of significance.
Then there was something else which I did not understand, but had to be that one and same power.
For I wanted to be released from Roni, but however much I wanted it, it was impossible for me.
I was riveted to him and I was forced to leave my parents.
Who drove me from home?
Why could I not release myself from Roni?
Were they laws, laws of nature?
I had already asked myself this on earth and I had still not found out.
Now I just gave up, because it made me dizzy.
I suddenly felt an intense shock again and I understood that this had to do with my body.
My poor garment had still not perished.
Oh, if I had taken care of it, how long would it have lasted?
Now I felt happy that this had not been the case.
The sleepiness which I had felt had now disappeared and I descended into the darkness in order to see whether the end of this process would soon approach.
In the beginning it was a thick haze which lay shrouded around my whole earthly body and tied me like a cord to my body, but now it was transparent.
I was really delighted about this, because this meant that I would soon get my freedom.
I got to know yet other laws and powers.
When I wanted to go upwards, away from my grave, I had to will it and only then could I move.
Everything is here, I thought, which you want yourself, otherwise nothing happens and you remain where you are.
As a result of this I learned to tune myself in and that attunement meant transferring to something else.
I could go further again and that made me happy.
I could already move away a dozen metres.
Now I felt that sleepiness coming back again, but I did not yet know the meaning of it.
However I sought and tried to feel this, I did not work it out, but the silence became deeper and my sleepiness more pronounced.
I felt these symptoms for the first time after the last shock.
I was now a bit used to that silence and began to think of thousands of other things which I would soon do.
If only I was free, then I would see what I would do, then my suffering would be over and I could go where I liked.
Now I could not lose courage, I had to be strong and brave and bear everything.
I felt that the end was approaching, because the sleepiness grew deeper and that silence penetrated me.
Both those feelings continued to torment me, but I controlled myself because the end would soon come.
Nature had almost completed its work and my earthly body would have decayed and I would be freed.
How this garment was taken care of on earth, how this garment was loved.
However, I now understood how little that garment meant in this life.
Here only the spiritual body had meaning.
Here the spiritual garment was the essential one, that lives and had to live.
People thought so little about that garment and yet this was the most beautiful and most powerful, which was as a feeling, thinking and working life to people.
On earth my material body had worth and meaning, here it was reduced to nothing.
The earthly body was shrouded in silk and velvet on earth, but underneath it lived deep sadness, because the spiritual body was shrouded in rags.
The human being was poor, because he did not know himself.
How differently I now felt and saw earthly life.
If I could live on earth again one day, I would be religious, because now I knew more.
I experienced dreadful things, but I learned and mastered a wisdom, which was not known on earth and would never be able to be learned or experienced, because that wisdom belonged to the spiritual life.
All that wisdom gave me the courage and the strength to not give up, but to deal with everything, however depressing it was.
I returned to my earthly body again and wanted to know how far it already was.
I was disgusted by the dreadful smell, but the haze was no longer visible to me.
Yet I still saw my garment, but in another phase, the bones were visible.
I was pleased when I felt that the cord had started to lose power and I could move away further and further.
However, I also felt the silence and the sleepiness entering me more intensely.
I stumbled onwards, I removed myself increasingly further from my material body, but sleepiness forced me to have a rest.
Now I felt myself sinking away, deeper and deeper and I fell down in order to sleep.
I was still with my earthly garment in feeling, but the sleepiness and the silence dominated and I knew nothing more about it.