The astral world
Before me lay the astral world.
Yet I could not go there.
I had already sat here a long time thinking.
An invisible observer, a human being had followed me, because I had clearly heard his voice, since he had spoken to me.
Before me lay a city and to my left I saw a road which led upward to the unknown.
If I took this road the silence awaited me, but a different silence than I had already known.
However, I longed for people, I wanted to see life.
However stormy it would be, everything was dear to me, because I had been alone for too long.
I still felt that frightening silence within me.
No, I did not want to go there.
I would follow this path, however flighty.
It was clear to me that the opposing power which I had felt was his.
That power prevented me from moving forward.
How mighty the powers of the human being were who had died on earth in order to be able to call a halt to another being.
I thought it was really amazing and I was pleased that I had been able to experience this, although I did not understand any of it.
I remembered every word which he had spoken to me.
I thought that this silence would never come to an end and yet I was now in another world.
How amazing this life was.
Now I understood that the years which I would have lived on earth had to be lived in this empty world, and when that time was over, I slowly passed into this world.
This was now my hell.
However, there was no fire burning.
How naturally everything dissolved.
An awe-inspiring justice had shut me out of the inhabitable world.
I had wanted to break a law which could not be broken and I had experienced its consequences.
I felt the law of cause and effect in it.
I myself had been the cause and I had paid for the consequences of it.
There in that silence I had experienced all of this and the rotting process was a part of it, which was the worst part of this event.
I had got to know this law, because as a result of my suffering I had come into harmony again with those laws of nature.
It had to be like that, because I felt it.
I found that condensing of the earth and the life around me remarkable.
Man was probably born in this way and all that other life which God had created.
It condensed under my feet, it grew up to the left and the right of me, until this world became visible to me.
The soft rustling rose to a tremendous hurricane and that was, as that spirit said, passion and violence.
It was a hell and people lived there who were passionate and probably demonic.
How awful I found it.
A person who still lived on earth could not understand this, it had to be experienced.
Yet I would still like to experience that once more, but now as an observer.
I would then understand this life better and get to know all those powers which I really wanted to master.
I lived on earth again and yet I was dead.
However, the earth there before me was the astral world.
Human beings and spiritual beings lived there together, and I was one of those who had discarded the material body.
I was now the astral being and I was in the world where the spirit lived.
How I had longed for that on earth and how gladly I had wanted to get to know that.
Now I was in the Hereafter and had already experienced a great deal.
Yet I still knew nothing about this life and I was very curious what awaited me.
Now I would see and meet people and I wanted that.
So I set off and descended, towards the unknown.
The wind howled, as if heaven and earth perished.
Yet I was not afraid, because I had already got used to that wild howling.
The more life and noise I heard, the better it was for me.
I already made a new discovery, because when I thought about other things, I heard almost nothing of that violence.
I then felt that I completely passed over into what I thought about, so that the previous dissolved and I accepted the other one.
It was exactly as when I was attached to my material body.
By thinking of other things, I passed completely into it and the pains lessened and everything to do with this situation.
As a result of this I could relieve that terrible suffering for myself.
I also experienced that same thing now and this violence dissolved in it.
This transfer was remarkable.
I carried on step by step, I had the time, because I lived in eternity.
However, after every footstep which I took, I felt this new life coming to me and into me and I heaved deep sighs because it took away my breath.
That was the violence to which I went back.
Yet I felt myself becoming calm.
I tried this transfer a few times and in this way I learned to tune and connect myself spiritually.
I thought it was great and I was happy that I had mastered this.
I had not changed in any way, on the contrary, I felt more lively.
This was because I lived in another world and had learned something about it.
This was wisdom, spiritual possession, which I knew nothing about nor had understood on earth.
I had asked thousands of questions there and not one of them was answered.
Now I understood that all my questions would dissolve inside me if I paid attention to all those powers and kept my eyes open properly.
I had always been inquisitive and I would remain so.
I now felt a remarkable silence coming into me and yet I was in a hell.
Was it not so dark within me then?
I felt myself changing.
I became different inside, because before I entered here I hated.
However, now I did not feel any hate.
In that silence I had been in rebellion and now peace lay within me.
Amazing, I thought, what a strange being you are.
I felt as if I still lived on earth, before the terrible thing happened.
Had I gone back to that same attunement of feeling?
I was the same personality, only I had lost my earthly body.
I did not dare to say discarded, because I had destroyed it.
I did not feel hate for anything, nor for my parents.
This feeling was strange and I did not understand how it was possible.
I hated Roni and he hated me, and yet, now that I had paid and experienced everything, it was as if I had not known him.
He was far removed from me.
I could not release myself from him in the earthly life and now that I wanted to go to him I felt that it was not possible.
An invisible power had torn us apart.
I felt it like this, but I did not know for certain whether this was the purport.
I had felt as I now was when I was with my first teacher.
I was very happy then, just like now and yet I lived in the darkness.
It was a bit lighter here than there in that silence, but it did not make much difference.
All those torments which I had felt in that silence had also lessened, such as that band around my throat, only I was thirsty and hungry, but also only when I thought about it.
I therefore did not find my hell so bad after all, I could cope with this, because this was not so inhuman, although I did not have the light which Emschor had told me about.
However, what had I actually done wrong?
I had not cheated the people, not tortured, would not even have been able to do this, and yet I lived in hell.
I had killed and paid my punishment.
My punishment on earth had been terrible and even worse on this side.
I had not been punished once but twice.
Was this still not enough?
Couldn't God forgive me all those little sins?
Did I still have to pay for something else?
I thought I could feel this problem.
I had ended up in a hell which was attuned to my inner life, because hell, so the spirit said, is your inner life.
Then I had not made anything very beautiful of my life on earth.
If I had not killed, not taken my own life, then I would still enter here.
It was the case, it could not be any different.
I understood this completely and accepted it.
My conversation with Roni was remarkable.
I was supposed to have wakened him?
This had only happened because I thought about him.
He could not forgive me, however much he wanted, but then he said to me that he hated me.
This was also strange.
I had the feeling that another power had quietened his angry feelings towards me, only so that I could experience this.
He lived and was somewhere, but had fallen asleep because he had the need to sleep.
I had also fallen asleep and it seemed a century to me, at least I had felt like that when I wakened.
They were all still mysteries and I would not work them out for the time being.
The spirit had connected me to Roni and yet I did not understand any of it.
However, I did not feel like starting again to ask ‘why’ and for ‘what purpose’.
That just upset me and I wanted to be calm.
However, my hell was a special hell, because soon I would meet people and I could amuse myself.
Or were they lies as well?
I could not trust those demons, so I would just wait and see.
I was continually amazed that I felt so very differently than before.
Was it because I had suffered so much?
Had my inner life changed as a result of it?
Or was it because I now stayed in this life and had discarded my earthly body?
I felt so lovely and calm.
Questions again, always just questions.
I had to think a bit more carefully and avoid these problems as much as possible.
Yonder in the distance I thought I saw the silhouette of a city.
I could still see far ahead in this darkness, which was also a miracle in itself.
I experienced nothing but miracles and problems here.
It seemed almost impossible to me and yet I saw a city with many towers and buildings.
Wherever you went and however dark it was, you could still perceive things on this side.
When it was dark on earth then you could hardly see a hand in front of your eyes.
However, everything was different in this life, I too.
Yet, on the other hand I was not different, because I thought as on earth and I felt exactly as there.
I had arms and legs, could hear and see and feel everything clearly.
However, I was favoured in something, it was sharper than on earth, more lively, and that was my feeling.
Here you had to feel everything and when I felt it, then I knew it and understood it completely.
Even in the darkness of my own grave I had clearly felt the process of my material body and also seen it.
That process came back to my spiritual body.
I had to deal with that myself and that dealing with it was feeling.
Feeling things intensely was experiencing in this life.
If I thought of something, then I started to feel it and completely passed over into what I was thinking about.
On earth I had never lived like that, only when I came under intense inspiration, not otherwise.
I did everything unconsciously in most things.
Was this wrong?
Here I had to be myself completely, otherwise I would come into disharmony and all those material tortures would come back to me.
Here you could only think of one thing at a time, I had already noticed that.
I would carry on in this way, because I thought I understood it.
Oh, if I had known all of this on earth!
How much simpler my live there would have been then, I would not have made it so difficult for myself.
However, what did people there know of a heaven and a hell?
Nothing, for that matter.
Where was heaven actually and where was God?
I had thought that I would have to appear before God’s throne, but that was also a lie.
No God had come to me to ask questions and yet we were taught this.
On earth I had not listened to the clergy and yet I had not been asked any questions yet.
I had not seen any spirit, any human being, any God.
Now I lived in hell, but even the devil was not even there.
What nonsense those clergy on earth preached.
They knew nothing about it and yet they behaved as if they had a hold on wisdom.
The Christians who did not accept their faith were burned, tortured and killed.
They did that for all those lies!
How stupid, how terribly stupid the human being is.
I gained insight into this here in this life.
Numerous people were killed for their nonsense.
It was pitiful.
However, I had to accept this truth, because I did not see God, spirit or the devil.
There was no fire either or damnation.
Nothing but lies and nonsense which they preached.
Yet it was remarkable that those demons had spoken the truth on precisely this matter.
Perhaps they also thought that was terrible.
It was a fact to me that they were real devils, because they had trapped me and that had caused me much suffering and sorrow.
That one devil seemed to be very interested in my downfall, because when it had happened he left and called out nothing else but revenge is sweet, which I did not understand.
He also knew me, because he called me by name.
I was pleased that there was no damnation and no fire and for this reason alone I could already love God.
This was a very different God than the one they knew on earth.
This one was softer, possessed more love and He was Love, as the spirit Emschor had told me.
However, Sergius (Sergius was head of the church at that time) preached damnation, eternal burning and general destruction.
Oh, you fools, you parrots, you know nothing.
You make people afraid.
You think that you are doing good, but you are doing wrong.
That is not the way.
You are blind, spiritually blind and your hearts are cold and insensitive.
I had already learned this in the short time that I had been here.
Where would these people live if they also once died on earth?
Because they had spoken untruths all their lives?
It would be a good one and a great injustice.
God would and could not tolerate that.
God is just, people said, and this was unjust.
Then God was false and not honest towards all people.
If all these false preachers of the faith entered heaven, I should also be there and I was not, because I was in hell.
If people did not believe they were thrown in a dungeon and tortured.
You see, to me that was the greatest injustice which existed.
On earth I had had to accept a faith, or I would also have been killed, although I wanted to work quietly on my art there.
Otherwise, I would very definitely not have done it, because I already felt that contradiction there.
It was a real pity that my life had ended so early.
I had no longer been able to finish my latest work of art.
When I started to compare my situation to all those people, then I felt that I was not good, but not bad either.
I found myself between good and evil.
This was the reason why my hell was not so inhuman.
If everyone bore his heaven and hell inside him, then there would be millions of hells and heavens.
Because where were all those people who had died on earth?
Yet I was alone, completely alone.
Was I not awake, not conscious?
Did I still live in the unconscious?
Were Roni and Marianne worse than I was?
Or was it precisely the other way round?
Where would have Marianne gone?
I kept thinking of these two.
And my parents, were they still alive?
Had Marianne taken my statue home?
Had she also already died?
Was she also dead like I was?
I truly loved her and would God then destroy my love?
Would God not have wanted me to love her?
Would she receive a different heaven or hell than me?
I thought that I would meet her and that had not happened.
How I loved her!
Would she be mine?
Would she love me, as I loved her?
Did she belong to me and were we one?
I started to ask again and I did not even know whether she was already dead.
Yet this feeling arose within me and I felt that the most intense.
If I should have to weigh these feelings of life and death, then death would weigh the heaviest.
Because I felt that the most clearly.
How incomprehensible this life is, I thought.
I no longer dared to think as before and yet I found God strange, very strange.
I knew Him now even less than on earth, because here everything was different.
Yet I had respect, only because things had already happened which contained that truth.
Because that spirit, which had warned me beforehand not to put an end to my life, because I would then have suffered too much, had spoken the truth.
He therefore knew more about this life than I did and I therefore also had to accept that God was Love.
That same spirit, who was somewhere and had followed me, whose voice I had heard, that spirit preached the truth and encouraged me to think more carefully about God.
I did not yet feel like plunging myself consciously into unhappiness.
This God was in any case another one than the God of my parents.
Their God was a ruler, a God Who only loved them and their family.
And such a God meant nothing to me, I did not feel any respect for that.
When I compared my own inner self with their God, I was higher than their God and I possessed a different mentality.
All of that now occupied me, now that I had entered this world.
The greatest problem had solved for me and that was God.
I did not know Him, but what I experienced gave me the strength to think differently.
The God of my parents was a terrible one.
He tortured and wanted to make me a ruler.
As a child I was already disgusted by it and I was very grateful that I had been protected against that.
A moment ago I learned something new again and it was really amazing to me.
When I thought of God, I involuntarily looked up, very deeply towards heaven, because God would live there.
While I thought about that and longed to be able to see through that, I suddenly felt myself elevated and I floated a few metres above the earth.
It was a remarkable event.
Gravity had stopped for me.
Amazing, I said to myself, what will I experience this time?
Then I tried it a few times and I came higher and higher, but it remained dark.
I also got to know other powers, because when I thought fast and wanted to go upwards fast, then I concentrated on it and I then went upwards at a fast speed.
Were these powers of the spirit, I wondered, or were they of the devil?
I already shivered at the thought that I was starting to master those demonic skills, because I did not want that.
I wanted to go forward, come higher spiritually, but not descend deeper.
Then I would rather continue to walk, than plunge myself into unhappiness with those skills.
Yet I did it again, because I found it amusing.
I could not go so high that this darkness would dissolve, so darkness still remained around me.
This was one of the many other strange things which I would get to know.
I now walked further and would soon reach the inhabited world.
I now went faster than a moment ago, because I noticed that I could also utilise these powers to move forwards.
I floated more than I walked.
I could no longer feel the earth.
That was also remarkable.
I could not have done that on earth.
There the horse served us and that noble animal did what the human being wanted.
I also repeated this moving forwards a few times and I went faster and faster.
I went from one amazement to the other.
At some distance from me I saw a person who was going in the same direction as I was.
I was very curious whether it was a human being of the earth, or the astral being.
When I had come a bit closer, I saw that it was a woman.
Had she died or was she still living on earth?
I had come close to her and I gave a cough, but she did not hear me.
She did not bother about anything and carried on walking, on and on.
But spirit or material being, she was a human being.
Yet I wanted her to notice me, I could probably ask her a few questions.
When I was walking next to her, I spoke to her, but she remained deaf and was apparently also blind, because she did not hear or see me.
She walked on in thought and behaved as if I was not there.
A strange apparition, I thought.
Now I tried to meet her from the other side, then she would have to see me and she could not ignore me.
When I was a few steps ahead, I turned back, but she did not see me now either.
Did she still live on earth?
Then I understood that she could not perceive me, because the spirits were not visible to the human being who lived in the material body.
A few people had seen spirits on earth, but I was not one of them.
She was also blind like all those other people.
I continued to walk close to her, I as a person who had died, while she was still in possession of her material body.
I found it very interesting to see a person of the earth and only now did I understand how deep the spiritual life lay hidden behind that veil.
The haze, which hid this world, was impenetrable to them.
How I had search for all those problems.
From early morning until late at night and yet I had not worked them out.
It was therefore very normal that she did not see me.
I had now entered that incomprehensible live.
Sooner or later they would all come here and they would find it just as amazing as I did.
However, this human went continually further and I continued to walk with her, because I was curiously where she was going.
She wore a beautiful garment, just like my mother had worn.
As a result of this I understood that she belonged to the first circles, because this attire was very expensive.
Was it day or night on earth?
I established from her actions that it was day.
She would not be able to walk like that in the evening or at night.
The gates of the city were closed on time and anyone who was not indoors in time had to stay outside, or be provided with the necessary papers.
Was she a stranger?
I found her very peculiar!
I gained new experiences again.
We walked further and further.
Soon we would enter the gates of the city.
Yet I tried to speak to her again and asked: ‘Are you from the earth?’
But she remained deaf and blind.
It took quite a while before she had reached her goal.
We walked on next to each other for a while, but there appeared to be no end to this walk.
However, this walking on was beginning to annoy me.
Where was she going?
We had already been travelling for hours.
Did this mean something?
The further we came the closer the city became to me.
Yet was this image another one than I had first perceived.
What did this mean?
I wanted to see the inhabitable world and I just continued onwards, so that there was no end to the walking.
Or for her either.
I felt that I was faced with a new problem.
Well, something occurred to me, I was not thinking purely.
I thought for everything and everyone, but not of the earth, not what I should be thinking about.
In this way I would never make it, because my thoughts disintegrated.
I was on my way and not on my way.
But she then?
Was she not a human being of the earth, not a material being?
I looked at her again and got a fright.
Her face showed deep sadness.
Her eyes were empty and yet they saw, because she walked onwards, continually further, but she walked with her head bent towards the earth and had sunk into deep reflection.
Could those eyes see or was she a sleepwalker?
I found myself in a strange situation.
It seemed to me as if she was looking through the earth.
Was I in connection with the earth?
I started to doubt myself.
Who was she and what kind of human being was she?
A spirit, a problem?
I suddenly thought that I sensed this problem.
I tried to follow her train of thought and really, I felt it clearly.
She had died on earth, because death entered me.
Now I understood this miracle.
She had committed suicide and lived in the silence.
I had met a woman who had committed suicide.
Since I had not tuned myself in enough, I had experienced it wrongly.
Now I tuned myself into the earth and immediately this world condensed, so that I saw the earth before me.
When I tuned into her again, but still remained in connection with the earth, I saw that she was shrouded in a haze.
She was now a shadow for me, as I had perceived the demons in my dungeon.
This event was amazing.
A human being who had ended her life, a woman!
Oh, you cannot be helped; because I now understood her whole situation.
She could continue for years and still there would be no end.
I just hoped that she would not have become a hundred years old on earth, otherwise her suffering would be incalculable.
I had also walked on in this way, so I knew her suffering.
She had to experience it, because she was living out her earthly life in it.
No, she could not hear or see me.
Yet one day this world, where I now was, would be visible.
However sad it was for me, I still found this world amazing.
The human being who put an end to it, closed himself off to everything that lived in the universe.
She now lived in an empty space, like I did.
There was nothing, nothing, only she and her thoughts.
She thought and just carried on walking, year in and year out again.
Yet an end would come!
In her I saw my own suffering and all my misery passing before me again.
Now that I perceived this, I clearly understood my own life for the first time.
It was wonderful!
Everything which I had experienced up to now was wonderful and mighty.
She had chosen poison and I the noose.
When I thought about it, I felt the stabbing pain entering me again.
By thinking about it those pains came back to me and when I thought about other things, it went away again.
That sensing was remarkable, but I would continue in this way.
I had learned from this situation how to connect myself in different ways.
I felt what interested me.
The most amazing things entered me.
Her life entered me, as soon as I wanted to think about her.
I considered everything clearly, because I would have to learn through all of this.
What I experienced was sad, but nothing could be done about it.
Suffering and deep misery walked there, a human wreck!
She was dead and yet she was alive.
However, she was also unconscious in her life of everything around her.
She was blind and deaf, alone and abandoned, she was nothing.
I sat down and continued to look at her.
She went further and further.
A human problem was walking there which I alone knew and that was nothing but misery.
I could not express in words how I saw her.
She walked in the silence of her own grave, she could not be stopped by anything.
She also knew what the process of decay meant.
She had experienced that her maternal and divine body had decayed.
Oh, woman, how did you come to that?
As a result of love?
Was your heart broken?
Did life on earth destroy you?
It could be so beautiful there, but one human being destroyed the life of another.
I had killed, but I had been forced to.
The dearest thing to me had been sullied.
Who would have been able to control themselves?
And yet, I now knew, I had to do this.
I should not have let myself go.
Roni was dead and I entered all that misery.
But it was better not to think about it any longer, it was over and I had fought my battle.
That poor woman was also busy paying for her sins.
But afterwards, where would she enter?
Would she go still deeper into that darkness?
I also understood that now.
It was only when she had discarded all of that, that she would go to her direct attunement.
She would enter a hell or a heaven.
Then this life would only begin for her, then she would pass into this, the real life.
It was surprisingly well put together.
Those laws were God’s laws, nothing could be changed about them.
Watch her walking there, that poor thing!
I continued to see her, but when I thought of other things, she was invisible to me.
Yet she was there, she carried on, further and further, although then that hell was invisible to me.
In this way there were probably countless invisible hells and I wanted to get to know them later.
It was worthwhile knowing everything about this life, how all of this was arranged and what the people were like who lived there, and what they had done to enter there.
I understood that they were all sinners.
Highly attuned beings lived in heaven.
That was far away from me.
Were there just as many heavens as hells?
I would get to know all of this one day.
How great it was, almost incredible, and yet, now that I saw all of this I had to accept it.
She wore her earthly clothes, but how was that possible?
She lived in eternity, didn’t she?
Another new problem!
Now I looked at myself.
That I had not noticed this before.
I also wore my garment as on earth.
It had not changed at all.
How was this possible?
What a miracle!
I was dead and yet I wore my earthly garment.
That belonged to the earthly life.
I had not thought about it for a moment.
However, that was also clear to me, because I would only experience what I thought about.
This did not take away the fact that it belonged to the earth.
I was not naked, wore clothes, felt as on earth and yet I was spirit.
All of this was amazing, I thought, how wonderful God is, to provide the human being with everything, and I started to feel more respect for that Almighty.
Was this also a law?
A remarkable feeling flowed through me, now that I knew all of this and had come to this conclusion.
They were miracles which could only be experienced in this life.
It was concentration, nothing else but thinking and feeling.
I had to watch out for thousands of things.
Who would think of that, because if I had not met her, I would never have thought of that.
Yet it was so natural, and precisely because it was so natural, you did not think about it and did not notice it.
How amazing it was: when you awakened here, you wore your earthly garment.
However, I did not yet understand how this was possible.
I sat admiring myself and considered myself a problem.
How many miracles and problems had I experienced and yet I had been here such a short time.
With every step which I took, I experienced another miracle, so that I could not stop thinking.
Now I concentrated on that woman again and immediately saw her.
She was far away from me and yet I could see her clearly before me.
I had also worn this garment in that silence.
Yet I had not watched out for it and I had not noticed it.
Here I had to think carefully in future, because I would experience what I thought about; what I wished to see, to meet, to hear, happened.
I felt happy, because I was now prepared for the things I would experience.
From here I saw her grim face and her progress was terrible.
Now that I concentrated even more I even felt her thoughts.
By sensing her, because it happened like that, I understood her whole being.
First I sensed her and then I dealt with the feelings which entered me in thoughts.
Those thoughts were hers, it was her life and so I passed into another life.
On earth people did not do that.
There people only looked at a human being as he was, so in appearance, but people could not descend inside the human being.
Here, I felt this very clearly, there were no more secrets and the human being could not hide.
I saw and felt in her life and the seeing and feeling was already a miracle in itself.
I also understood that the human being on earth did not know himself.
How many secrets were there not in the human being!
People should already be grateful to God for that.
The human being possessed many qualities, but the qualities which I now experienced are not known on earth.
In life on earth the human being was a great problem, here also, but in this life people passed over into these problems, no, people experienced them.
The human being was a miracle and a problem!