How I learned to control myself
“I lay down in the same place where I had been sitting.
I dreamt again that I was on earth and saw my wife with someone else; they were having a conversation.
The conversation, which I listened into, was fateful for me.
I heard my wife say: ‘Yes, you only hear that now that he is dead.
It is incredible, who would have thought that?
I think it is terrible for me!’
The other said: ‘Yes, you could be mistaken about many things.
Everyone has his own secrets.
If the person has died, you get to know him.’
Secrets, I thought and I was already boiling inside.
What kind of secrets?
Then my wife said again: ‘Oh, if only he was still alive.’
I heard her say even more, but as a result of my anger her conversation was lost to me.
I thought I was suffocating.
Did she know something about me?
Had I done something?
But that was not possible, was it?
I was no longer aware of anything.
Had someone gossiped about me?
What kind of talk was that, ‘if only he was still alive?’
Was I not alive then?
She touched me to the depth of my soul.
Now that on top of everything else, I had misery enough.
I awoke in this situation and thought about this conversation.
It made me nervous and I felt myself becoming angry.
Who could have thought this?
Did she believe in gossip?
Did she not know me?
Could she not believe me?
Did I cheat her and was a deceiver?
I felt my illness coming back and all those earthly pains arising within me.
Thousands of thoughts haunted me.
No, that was too much for me.
Had I ever cheated her?
Could she think like that about me?
Who was that other person?
What did she mean by ‘it is terrible’ and ‘now that he is dead, you get to know the person’?
Oh, if only I could stop; I became dizzy from my own thoughts.
I would teach her not to do that; I wanted to see who could speak about me like that behind my back.
My throat became thick again and I got a terrible thirst.
Then I tried to calm myself but did not manage.
Again I went back in thought to the earth, I wanted to know the truth.
Who was sullying my name?
Who was talking badly of me after my earthly death?
I had reached a situation I had not experienced before.
In addition, there was that terrible thirst, because the pain in my throat and fever had come back again.
Would I never be freed from them?
I felt a stabbing pain starting in my chest, and I felt that fear again which I had had at that time on earth.
I shouted for help, but there was no one near me.
Then I called for the brother, but he did not come either, so that I remained alone with all that trouble and misery.
I wanted to put an end to that horrible gossip; I was not dead, I was alive, and had not cheated on her, never!
I would show her that I did not need to be ashamed of her, because I was not mean, as she thought of me.
I was afraid of going mad and in my desperation, I hit myself on the chest with my clenched fist, so that I threatened to collapse.
Then I jumped up from the place where I had been lying and walked in circles like a wild person.
I could almost not utter another sound and felt my body burning as it had burned on earth when the fever was at its highest.
Yet, I had to remain calm, because I went from one thing to another and was no longer capable of anything.
I wanted to be calm and to think, but I did not manage it, however much I wanted this.
It was already too late; I had lost my self-control and felt as if I was being thrown back and forth.
Where was the brother, why was I left alone now?
I could practically no longer see; the nature and everything around me had changed.
The light, which I had seen, became weaker and it was as if it became dark.
Now there was no light, and no one to whom I could ask anything!
My God, do you have no pity?
What did I do that I have to suffer so much?
‘God’, I called, ‘God, just help me!
If there is a God, can You approve of this?
Why do they leave me here so alone?
I am going mad, I am going mad.’
I forced myself to be calm again, which I soon managed a bit.
I wanted to think, I had to and would know the truth.
I thought about the beginning when I arrived here with the brother and he told me about everything which lived here.
I could remember every word.
Then that sleep had overcome me and I had dreamt.
Now watch out, I said to myself, and keep calm.
In my dream I heard talking, then I awoke, felt myself becoming angry and all the old symptoms came back.
That cursed illness; when would I get better?
But I was not concerned with that now.
It concerned that gossip, and I wanted to know why she was talking like that.
But I could not become released from my illness.
It crept into me again and I felt as I did on earth.
Dreadful, I thought, what kind of situation am I in.
All that nonsense about spiritual this and that, spheres here and there, I would go mad from all that spiritual.
And I would have to master that?
I was not myself and would never be so again!
All those thoughts raced through my head very quickly, however I could not hold one of them.
I sat in a spiritual tangle and saw spheres, people, animals and the nature, everything whirling through each other.
Then suddenly there was peace and I heard a voice inside me saying, as if another person was speaking inside me: ‘Who incited her, who was it that destroyed our happiness?’
But I could not hold that thought either, because other thoughts pushed them aside.
Then I called for help again, but felt that my throat was closed.
My call for help was a horrible hoarse sound, the screaming of a mad person.
In addition, there was that darkness, about which I understood nothing.
I did not see any star, or flicker of light.
I could not hold onto anything.
I cursed the moment that I had dreamt and everything that had to do with my life on earth.
It was a confusion of spiritual questions inside me.
I found myself in the midst of many problems and nothing was clear to me.
I did not get an answer from God.
I did not see the brother and there was not a person near me.
I called again with all the power inside me, so that I thought that my throat would rip, but the brother did not come.
Call me when you think that you need me, he had said.
Now I was shouting and no one came to me.
I cursed all those problems, cursed myself, my wife on earth and everything that was around me and in me.
I cursed all those silent people who were working on themselves and were dreaming and thinking and reflecting upon what they had experienced, who walked past me like the living dead and I cursed the moment that I had arrived here.
Was this now my heaven in life after death?
I was in a madhouse, and those who talked to me and those who walked around in the nature, were all mentally ill.
Then dizziness overcame me again, so that I lay down for the second time.
Yet, I could not sleep however much I wanted to.
One thought followed the other; my situation made me hopelessly confused.
Nevertheless, I wanted to sleep and could not.
Everything was swarming in my sick head; it was so bad that the bit of ability to concentrate, which was inside me, was destroyed.
I, who was nothing, battered at nothing, while I thought that I would lose consciousness.
But I did not lose that either, I remained conscious; only, I could not sleep.
The madness lay within me and around me, and in all of those people, all those spiritual powers and ‘mastering’; I saw the work of the devil in it.
That demon had me; I was lost and had ended up in a terrible place.
That thought influenced me so badly that I thought I would burst if help did not come soon.
If the people who live here want to slave for others, then they must come and help me and if they can receive the thoughts from other people then they must hear me now.
But where were they?
I saw none of these people.
They were wretches, poor creatures, like I was, and they were just imagining things.
Attunements in the spirit; I had to laugh about it.
All those attunements made me mad.
Ha, ha, you with all those good qualities, then come, come, I need you, and I need help.
‘Help, help’, I shouted again in order to try it once more, but I did not get any answer.
That dark grey nature weighed down on me like lead.
Where had I ended up?
How rebellious I was, I had never known myself like that before.
I was not myself, I felt that clearly.
But through what and through whom had I become rebellious?
My thirst bothered me intensely; I wanted to drink and ran off to find the ditch that I had seen.
However, much I searched, I could not find it again.
Oh, that dreadful thirst!
What had the brother said?
‘You have no thirst and no hunger, and there is no illness!
You do not need to be sick, because you live in the spirit and you have died on earth!
Your life is a life in thoughts, if you only wish to accept this.’
Did I not accept it then?
Did I not think?
It was driving me mad!
And the brother had also said: ‘I was also like you on earth, I lived there, but in a different situation.’
Nonsense, gibberish, mad people talked like that; it was nothing but gibberish.
Only mad people live here; I was now convinced of it.
‘We are brothers and sisters in the spirit’, I also heard him say who had told me all that nonsense.
They lived for God; they lived for all the people.
They lived for those who came to them; and I was left alone in the most awful situation that a person could end up in.
If I was no longer normal, neither were they.
I felt a burning pain deep inside me.
It was a strange feeling, which I could not put into words.
It was as if I was being eaten away at by something, because it scorched me.
As a result of that fire, my thirst became even more intense.
Those feelings also faded and I started to think from the beginning again.
Because I wanted to know the truth.
I wanted to know what that gossip on earth meant.
It would not leave me alone and I kept coming back to it; those thoughts forced themselves upon me, as it were.
Where could I find the truth?
It was mean to talk about me like that, was it not?
While I was back on earth again in thought and listened in on that conversation again, I suddenly felt peace entering me.
I thought that I could now concentrate better, or was I imagining it?
No, I was calm and listened carefully.
But I was also careful; I searched for myself because I wanted to remain with one situation.
If only I could manage that, then I would make progress.
Then I spoke to myself: ‘Gerhard, what are you doing, you will be going mad if you do not remain calm!
Why are you making yourself so angry?’
Yes, I am angry, about what, really?
I felt myself becoming quiet, very quiet, but continued: ‘Are you dead, or are you alive?’
Yes, I was dead and I was alive at the same time.
Now I heard a voice, just like a moment ago, which spoke inside me and said: ‘Does this not mean anything to you?’
Yes, it means a great deal to me, but what?
From whom did those thoughts come?
They were not mine in any case, but from whom were they then?
I did not get an answer to this and started again.
If I was dead after all, what did that gossip on earth matter to me?
I was not there anymore and people were always talked about behind their backs, were they not?
People were mean, and should I get angry about that?
Did this still concern me?
Strange, now that I had become a bit calmer, I did not feel any thirst, any pain and my illness had lessened.
Everything had almost disappeared now that I was thinking calmly.
The light also changed because it was not so dark anymore.
‘Now keep calm’, I said to myself, ‘do not let it overcome you again.
Remain calm, Gerhard, you are on the right path; the mystery will be resolved for you.
Think, but remain calm.’
Something awoke within me and I felt a certain happiness enter me as a result of it.
I was still calm, but did almost not dare to think, I was so afraid of the things that could make me furious.
I placed a wall of self-protection around me, because I did not want to fall back into that previous situation for anything.
My legs were trembling.
‘Remain as you now are, Gerhard, hold on!’ I repeated the brother’s words involuntarily. ‘Hold onto the fact that you have nothing more to do with the earth, then you make it.’
I repeated these words many times and I managed to remain calm.
Yet, I had to think, otherwise, I would not get any further.
I wanted out of here, I had to know everything as soon as possible.
I felt that something had to be fought out here and thought about my wife and that other person, whom I had not seen.
What they had discussed with each other was terrible, but did I have anything to do with it?
If I had been on earth, what would I have done?
Prove it to her by talking to her.
Precisely, I would talk, but would I achieve anything by it?
If she did not believe me, I could not change anything about it and I had to accept it.
And why did I not do this now?
‘Release yourself, Gerhard, release yourself from these thoughts, you have nothing to do with them, you have died, have you not?
You are away, far away from the earth.’
At the same moment, something inside me broke and a burning ray of light penetrated the darkness and made me intensely happy.
I felt and understood that I had forgotten myself.
Life on earth did not concern me any longer, I therefore had to let that life go and start to think differently, and if I thought differently, I would feel happy.
Then I would be freed from illness, thirst and all the other pains.
Yes, that was it, I had thought wrong.
I had put myself in this situation because I did not control myself.
But ... then?
I did not dare to think about it, because then I had mocked and cursed many lives and love and all those people here.
How could I have forgotten myself like that?
I buried my head in my hands and no longer dared to see the light.
Dreadful, how I let rip?
I looked around me, but there was no one near me.
Would God know everything?
Then I bowed my head deeply, very deeply, and I felt sad at heart.
How I had suffered!
I had fought a terrible battle.
Oh, how could I make up for all of this?
Was this possible?
Would I ever be able to do this?
However, there was something, which made me happy; it lay deep within me.
If I listened in silence, then I felt it and when I felt it, I could hear it.
Was it something beautiful?
Was this happiness?
I was dead, but I was alive; that was the happiness, which I felt.
Yes, oh God, I felt it; I had conquered something and as a result of that fight I had discarded my earthly life.
I felt released, completely released from the earth and was now freed.
How stupid the human being is, I thought, who starts to change the earthly life for the spiritual.
How difficult the human being is to understand when he does not know himself and life.
I thought about everything with which I had been connected a moment ago.
I had been connected with a problem and that problem had been resolved within me.
I did not believe that I had died, but now that I accepted it, everything changed inside me and my illness and misery had disappeared.
I was not able to believe because I thought in an earthly way; all that time I had been one of the living dead.
Now all those dreamy people were dear to me, I loved them because I belonged to them and asked them for forgiveness.
I wanted to make up for everything, because now I understood why my suit was made of rubber and would remain so, at least for the time being.
Now I felt myself becoming lively and I saw light, even if that light was still just a very small weak flame.
I had entered this life and had discarded the earthly life.
It had to be so; it could not be any different.
Because I had made myself angry, I had passed into the life on earth in feeling, so that my illness and all those other pains returned.
If I could remain in this new state, nothing from the earth could bother me again.
It had been dreadful, but I was through it once and for all and would watch that it did not come back again.
A spark of that great, which the brother possessed, lay deep within me.
Who on earth dares to say of himself that he knows himself?
How I had to suffer for it!
Oh, if the human being comes to be faced with the deciding moment, then he will curse everything, as I did, to later have to accept everything again, after all.
Everyone has to conquer himself and I had conquered myself now, at least partly.
Because I felt that, there were even more of those bad qualities in me, which I would have to conquer and change in the spirit.
However, I had conquered myself in this battle.
I had discarded my earthly life with it and had entered the spiritual.
In order to conquer myself I had beaten and lashed myself.
Now I could bow my head and yet I was still at the beginning of that long eternal path.
Such a lot would still come my way, which I would have to master.
The suffering that I had conquered, and which each being will be faced with, is that people have to conquer themselves.
No one will escape it, whether it is in this life, or on earth.
Those who already start on it on earth, belong to the great in spirit.
They will not have to struggle here, at least not this struggle.
We will have to take on this struggle and discard our bad qualities, keep on discarding them, until nothing remains of us.
Then we will be in this great eternal universe and everyone will know us and see through us, but then we will have nothing more to hide either.
This is how I felt it, it lay within me like this, I would have to become like that.
Yes, dear brother, now I could understand you better.
Now I felt happiness and I was no longer sleepy, nothing stood in my way at this moment, I sat there with both hands under my head, and I could think about everything.
Happiness and peace had entered me.
Suddenly, I heard a soft voice, which I knew and had grown to love, saying to me: ‘So, brother Gerhard, my friend.’
The brother had never spoken my name before and it was he who spoke to me like this, it could not be any different.
Did he know my name?
A great charm lay in that.
It caressed me and it did me good to hear my name said.
However, I did not dare to look at the brother and remained sitting, while he continued to speak.
‘Truly, a fight of life and death; a battle to enter the eternal from the earthly.’
His love penetrated me, but I did not move.
After all, a moment ago had I not cursed him and everything that lived here?
Now I heard him say: ‘You had to fight this out for yourself, I could not help you with it; you had to awaken.
Everyone who enters here fights one and the same battle again and again until he accepts.
You have discarded two qualities, and both belong to the earth.
One was death, the other being out of control.
You have now mastered self-control.
God will reward you for every victory that you win yourself.
You have suffered, but death gave you eternal life in the place of it and self-control gave you that wonderful peace, which is the peace of the spirit.
One took you along dark paths and let you see and feel abysses, the other burned your hatred and smothered all your violent feelings.
It was very definitely worthwhile to fight for and to fight with yourself for.
You received the happiness, which you now feel in its place, and you saved yourself.
Many people go under because they do not possess the power for it.
Carry on like this, Gerhard, my friend and brother, I will help you in everything.
You thought that you heard your wife speaking, but I will explain this to you.’
I pricked my ears; what did this mean?
Nevertheless, the brother continued: ‘I wanted to put an end to everything immediately.
I made my calculations and knew that you would conquer yourself and felt how far I could go.
I played a game, a highly dangerous game, with your whole personality as the stake.
Yet I did not gamble anything, because I knew that you would win, for I knew you, did I not?
I also played in a similar way, but with other powers, and I was also helped.
You have to lose yourself; you discarded everything and you won.
I, Gerhard, broke you in half, so that your earthly pedestal has now disappeared.
By means of a vision I connected you again with the earth, placed two contradictory powers in you, and let you hear untruths.
It was I who spoke to you, not your wife.
What you therefore experienced, yes, look at me, Gerhard, was through my will, because I wanted to free you.
You experienced something in spirit, therefore through spiritual influence you have now fought with yourself.’
I looked at the brother and he felt what I was thinking.
‘I also’, he said, ‘cursed life.’
‘But I cursed in ignorance.’
‘God will also forgive you for that, as He forgave me.
Come, stand up and come with me, I thank you for the willpower which you have shown.’
I grasped both his hands and kissed them.
‘Not that, Gerhard, not me, but thank God for everything and now come with me.’
We went back to the building arm in arm and I felt like the prodigal son who came back.
I had become a different person.
‘Now you are free’, the brother said, ‘and only now can we go back to the earth; this is your reward.’
‘To the earth?’ I asked in amazement.
‘Yes, to the earth.
Do you not have any longings to see your family members?
For example, your wife and child?’
‘Oh yes, I really want to see them again.’
‘Then I will come and collect you, because I will now leave you alone since you will feel the need to be alone for a moment.’
The brother left.
I immediately kneeled down and prayed deeply and for a long time to my great Father, whom I asked for forgiveness.
Then a wonderful peace came to me and I lay down to think and to rest.
It was now quiet within me; nothing disturbed the peace and I felt happy, the first natural happiness since my death on earth.”