I see myself as Jack
Father floated on ahead of me.
I submitted completely to his leadership.
I had now re-experienced my life in Rotterdam in large outlines.
The question was still significant to me as, to why I left that city and my shop and went into military service.
I was attached to the place I lived, after all, and had a business with plenty of customers.
Why did I simply leave all of this behind and choose the irregular life in service instead of the quiet security of a civilian life?
The answer to this question would explain a lot about myself, so I had to go into it deeper, wherever it would take me.
According to earthly time, it was already late in the day, evening was falling.
Another day had passed.
However, I was not sleepy.
I was not tired either, despite all my thinking.
I did not use my brain for this, it was my feeling which took me into the problems and helped me to find the solution, with the help of father, of course, who also had to help me again now.
He said to me that I had to continue to tune in to him with my full attention.
I had already learned that thinking strongly about father on our journey, it became increasingly easy for me.
Now that I had tuned in to the decision which had made me accept the army as a profession, the feelings which brought this about came back to me.
They did not come from myself and yet they did!
It was as if two personalities lived inside me, one dominating the other and enforcing its will.
One of them, the weaker one, was called Theo.
What was the other one called?
Then the name Jack came to me.
Was Jack that other one?
Then he could lead me to the meaning of my important decision to become a professional soldier.
I now went deeper and deeper into father, so that I could take over his feelings and thoughts better and more sharply.
We moved through the universe.
The heaven is blue, the earth is grey.
When I wish to see through the grey haze which surrounds the earth, the things that live there become dense.
And that is clear, because by looking at the earth, I connect myself to it.
It is father who shows me the images which I have to perceive at this stage of the experience.
How clever father is!
He has it in him after all.
In the years that he has been on this side, he has learned to master these laws.
I feel myself becoming very calm and another mentality comes to me.
I have to think about the two personalities again, which lived in me when I made my decision.
They are in me again and I feel how Jack, as he is called, dominates Theo.
He is doing that now as well, I become Jack!
I look at father, I now have to look at father, and can see his dear face near me.
His God must have blessed him, his face beams from so much love and happiness.
When I see this, I can no longer think about myself.
He smiles and his eyes are stars.
They do not let go of me, I read happiness in their sparkling.
He is blessed in different ways.
He may call a heaven his home.
There is spiritual wisdom in him and – his greatest treasure – he lives in and next to his twin soul.
God gave him all of this, as a reward for his services, his faith and his love.
Why is father smiling like that, and why are his eyes shining like stars?
Is he thinking about Angelica?
Are those words from me, are they from father?
‘Can you understand it now?
Do you now know, my everything?
Do you now know for certain?
That I love you, that I love you with all I am.
My soul, which I got between heaven and earth from God, do you now know?’
I can feel father.
I may now read into his deepest emotional life.
I feel, I know, I experience.
It is Angelica who is talking to him.
Even when apart, they are one.
Her words, which take form from her innermost feelings, I receive those words.
And now I cannot possibly think about Jack and about everything which touches me and occupies me, and this will probably be okay as well.
Father listens to Angelica and his whole being hears her words.
There is silence in him, respect and emotion, now that his soul is speaking to him and tells him of her love.
Nevertheless, he is still able to help me, he holds me, as I have difficulty in coping with all this sacredness.
How helpless, how uncoordinated I still am in my feelings and thoughts, I, who still have to learn everything in this world!
Her love gives Angelica new words, they are more beautiful than the most beautiful music.
‘Dear father, but dear father.
Oh, dear father.
I am sitting here outside and am busy thinking about you.
Have the flowers ever smelt more beautiful?
The birds are imitating the song of the words which well up in my heart.
And if I bend over the water, I can see your face in its crystal-clear mirror.
I write a letter to you, dear father, and that letter goes straight from my heart to you.
What do I have to think about now, dear father, do you know?
When in the time to come – it will still take a thousand years and perhaps longer, but time does not exist for us, after all – when we are ready we can enter the other, higher degree, we will have another child again.
And you will give it to me, I will be yours and God will look on and smile.
Dear father, will you be careful and make sure that the child which is next to you now and is exploring his life, does not lose himself?
But you know that I am also with you now?
When I look at him, who is your child, I have to think about that little being that I will be able to place in your arms when the time comes.
Dear father of your own child, how will you look at me then?
What will your thoughts be like then?
Oh, I know, just imagine that we were living on earth now.
Then you would put on your best suit and go for a walk with me and our child.
Then people would see your beaming face and they would know that we were happy.
Both of us would look at our child and thank God that He had entrusted us with this life.
But dear father, my own happiness, will you come back to me again soon?
I am following you, of course, I am following you.
But I just want to be very close to you and will you embrace me as well?
Even closer, so close, my dear, that we pass into each other and our heartbeat becomes one?
And will you then, wherever you are, always feel like you did at that blessed moment?
Because is this not God’s will, did God not grant us this bond?
But who are you, my everything in the universe, that I have to love you so much?
Can it be a good thing?
But that has to be, have we not reached the first sphere of our eternal happiness?
When you are finished with this journey and you have brought your own child so far that he is also ready for all these sacred revelations, you know, dear father, what awaits us then?
When Jack starts his study and I am also finished with my work?
Do I still have to tell you?
Just like on earth?
Here you can know without me telling you.
Because now you are completely one with me and you only have to think in order to feel the knowledge coming to you.
And yet you do not do it.
Do you want to be like you were on earth and hear it from my own mouth?
It is all so sweet of you.
Listen then, dear father, I can now already see the little child which will be given to us, when we have entered that higher consciousness.
I will be there too and then for the third time your Angelica.
Oh, but my dear soul.
I will then be your mother.
My dear being, part of myself.
I love you so genuinely and so clearly, I know.
God lets me see and feel it.
Are you still listening?
We are now going to prepare ourselves for that.
Step by step we go further up.
Both of us, dear father.
Only then we will experience the laws, as God wanted it, and be both father and mother.
Oh, are the things which I can now see and feel not wonderful?
We all long for them, says my master, or life here would stand still.
After all, that is not possible.
We still have to go deeper and further in the eternal transition to fatherhood and motherhood.
After all, is God not father and mother Himself?
Did I not already tell you that on earth, my dear, how many days and hours have passed since then?
It seems like centuries, we have experienced so much, and it is good like this.
When you come back to me soon and we start walking again in our sphere, and we greet the birds and the flowers, then, my everything, I will give you a great gift.
You, my soul, my dear life, and it will make you very happy.
I will be waiting for you with it in our sphere, and with the fullness of my great love, I will embrace you and kiss you, when you come back after completing your beautiful task.
I have spoken to my master, my dearest.
No, you may not think now.
Now you have to close your eyes and not wish to know what the gift is which I will then give you.
It has to remain a surprise.
That is possible on earth, you can keep a surprise secret if that is necessary.
Will you not think?
My very dearest Soul, I will wait for you until you have time to talk to me again.
I now take your head in my hands and my lips touch your face and your mouth.
I kiss you ...
My love for you is pure, pure and eternal.
I can still see you, I can still see you, but now you are passing on into your own child.
Goodbye, dear, dear father.
Goodbye, my Soul.’
The things I was able to hear are sacred, not a word escaped me.
I was able to read into Angelica’s soul and experienced the feelings, which pushed her words into the universe, straight to father’s heart.
I do not dare to look at father, I would have preferred to make myself small and hide away.
Why could he not have closed off this sacred thing from me, which was only meant for him, after all?
Or did he let me experience on purpose, was there an intention behind it?
That must be the case!
But does he not know then that I also long to be loved like that?
That I am burning with longing for such words, such feelings?
That I want to be called ‘dear father’ as he is?
They are spirits, angels now!
How natural they are in their love.
So this is how great, how deep the love between two souls can be.
My God, my God, my heart is threatening to burst, I have felt what it means to love, this is great, this is awe-inspiring!
I cannot cope with it, now help me to bear it, oh God.
And God hears my prayer.
Or is it father?
It becomes lighter within me and the fire, awakened by the feelings of love between father and Angelica, dies down.
I can get up again and I now know that it is father who helps me with it.
For a moment I was allowed to live in their shared love and I thought that I would be destroyed under the power of this feeling.
So father and Angelica live in this.
‘Oh, my Father in heaven, is achieving this love laid aside for every one of Your children?
So is this what is called true love?
Is this what Your Son, Jesus Christ meant, when He commanded people in Your holy Name to master love?
And is this now the love for which so many people on earth die?
Did You create heaven and earth for Your children for this reason, in order to give us the chance to be capable of love?
But, my God, then I have never truly loved before.
What were my feelings on earth in comparison to those of father and Angelica?
Of course, there was warmth within me, but now that I was able to experience the power and the sacredness which radiates from the love between these two people, I know that I also have a lot to learn in this respect.
Teach me to love, my God, teach me to really love everything, everything which lives!
Will you help me?’
As a result of my thoughts and dealing with things, our pace has slowed down again, instead of quickly floating forwards, we are walking.
But father lets me feel that this does not matter now, on the contrary, I now should think seriously, if I want to be able to understand everything which is still to be experienced.
By thinking about love, light will start to shine in me.
And light means wisdom in spirit in this life.
The feelings which go out from me to father and Angelica are warm.
I thank them sincerely for the feelings which they let me experience with them, for the glimpse which they allowed me into their hearts.
And I also thank them that they took away the feelings again which were evoked by their love, the moment that I threatened to succumb under them.
To succumb to love; I almost experienced that.
My respect for father and Angelica is immeasurable.
Angelica wanted me to feel the degree of love which she has for father.
She wished to take me into the love which the soul life cherishes as a mother.
This is why I was allowed to look into their pure, loving lives, this is why she wanted to stand naked before me.
Father did not have any clothes on in those moments either.
They were naked and yet clothed by God’s holy Love, which lay like a cloak around their shoulders.
But people, people of the earth, do you realize what it means to love?
Pray with me, that you may succeed in gaining love.
Try it, every hour that you live.
God will watch over you and smile.
He will reach out His hands to you and bless you, because you are carrying out His sacred will, and giving love to everything which lives in His universe.
Father and I continued on our way.
Clouds floated below us.
Father made me feel that I had to look down.
It was then as if I was looking into a blue hole.
I saw the earth.
A house became visible.
It was built in a simple but beautiful style and surrounded by a beautiful garden.
A gentleman was approaching.
What a miracle, it is I who is ringing the doorbell.
My feelings do not deceive me.
I feel a oneness with the other person.
I look at myself.
And the man who greets me at the door is a friend of mine, a doctor.
The language in which we speak to each other is courteous.
‘May I tell the woman I love that you are not leaving again straightaway?’ my friend asks.
And I reply to him: ‘I would gladly stay a while.’
My friend leads me to a room, a high, spacious room, and I meet the woman whom I am connected to by a great friendship.
She is busy drying her herbs.
After we have enquired after each other’s health, we soon bring the conversation to the subject which, as we sit here, completely and constantly occupies us.
I ask my friend how she is progressing.
And she answers me:
‘Yes, I have made progress.
And it was nature with its deep possibilities which gave me the knowledge.
I still do not know everything, I will only be certain when I have finished my study.
I want to try to explain to you what my views are now.
If a person becomes buried due to emotional shocks, that is proof to me that he is not using all the powers which are in him and which rich, inexhaustible life sends to him, or there would be no question of a disorder.
These emotional shocks can affect the body, however, never the soul.
It remains alive, even if the body would succumb.
Let me give you an example from nature.
A branch has all the powers which the tree has.
If this branch now becomes battered, becomes paralysed, it has to die.
However, the tree itself will continue to blossom.
Now you believe that the soul must give up all its powers in order to remove the consequences, caused by the emotional shocks in a person.
Isn’t that true, Jack?
I do not accept this.
Whether I am right, which one of us is on the right path?
One cannot tell yet.
My darling is trying to get to the truth by examining the human body, you follow the life of the soul, I search for it in nature.
Whatever the case, it is good to fathom out, it will give us wisdom, depth.
It is not the soul, my dear Jack, which can help us here, only nature, which possesses everything to help the sick body and to provide it with new saps, can do this.
You are expecting too much from the soul, Jack, and at the same time you do not see its greatness.
You are seriously trying to discover whether the soul as well as the body can be torn apart by a terrible shock and be destroyed.
But how can you discover the answer?
To me the soul, Divine as we are, is eternal and my husband will agree to this.
The body can be torn apart, never the soul!
This is why I also believe that we will make progress with our research.
Because we can also continue it after this life.
If we do not finish it now, we will continue in another, following life.
Our soul is eternal, our life is eternal.
We brought with us the longing which lives within us to get to know the being of humanity and nature, from previous lives.
My feeling tells me that we have already had several lives on earth.
It would explain why one person has one longing, another person has a different longing, one person more wisdom, another person more artistic talents, yet another person absolutely nothing.
This is also why I believe that one day you will know what the soul experiences when the last shock is felt.
That one day you will be allowed to see into the soul in order to get to know it and understand it.
Believe me, this is how I feel it will be.’
After her long explanation, we were silent for a while.
Now I see us sitting together, reflecting.
Then suddenly I know that it is Angelica who spoke to me just now.
Father is her husband there and my friend.
I want to get to know myself, well, then I will have to look inside myself, as I am sitting there with them and speaking and listening.
My own thoughts and feelings live there in that body.
It is me and Angelica is the same there as she is now, and father likewise.
Then they already loved each other and me, only now they are more aware of the laws.
Angelica and father may experience the laws of life, they know them now and now help me to penetrate them.
I now feel what I want and what was occupying me there with them.
I am a psychiatrist, a scholar, who wants to get to know the depth of the soul.
My feelings and thoughts, my life go out to this.
There on earth, now in the universe.
There is no difference.
Angelica was right, when she assumed that we would get full opportunity to finish our study.
That is how good God is.
By thinking this I come back into the light, spacious room.
I am the one who is talking now.
‘Every shock, my dear friend, brings me to despair, as long as I do not know the depth of it.
I feel my impotence when I am faced with my patients.
There must be a cure for all those people.
Nature can achieve that, you say.
I want to know whether the soul cannot be the healer, whether it cannot be called up, awakened, when the shock has been experienced.
If I cannot be given that assurance, I would be better to stop my work.
How many shocks can a person not get to deal with in everyday life?
Too many to mention.
I have to get to know all of them.
Okay, I want to accept that your herbs are a medicine.
But that is still not the answer.
New, constantly different shocks afflict a sensitive person.
Will those herbs help in all cases?
Oh, if only I knew the soul!
I would give my own life to get to know it.
I do not believe that there is a greater problem in the whole of our society than that of the human soul.
If we know it, we know humanity.
It seems to me that I am becoming further removed from it every day.
I am walking in a maze and am continually faced with new obstacles, which destroy all my expectations of getting out of there.
If what you accept is true, that we have had several lives, is it also a fact that the soul cannot be destroyed?
Not even by a terrible shock which tears the body to bits?
If it is really true that we get more than one life, it only becomes more difficult for me.
After all, the tremendous number of impressions would also be recorded in the soul, which a person experienced in all those previous lives.
It makes my head reel even just thinking about it, which also means new problems.
Whatever the case, it is still wonderful to follow the life of the soul, to try to fathom, to unravel it.
If what you think is true, that we have lived several lives and can come back again, then it would make me intensely happy.
I would want to keep coming back to life, again and again, until I know everything about the human soul.
I will do anything for it.
Give myself if necessary.
I would like to lose myself, let my body be torn apart in order to find out what the soul then experiences.
I want to pray to God to receive this mercy from Him.’
I was silent at this point and it was a while before anyone spoke again.
Then Angelica answered me with great certainty:
‘It is my sacred conviction that we live on, because the soul, which was created by God, is eternal.
I feel that I come from the East.
There I learned what it means to make up for wrong doings.’
And while she continued talking, her eyes were directed full of love towards her husband.
‘Here I saw the man again who is my soul.
No, I am not further than he is, even if I know more about the laws.
He has the love, that love which will bring us together for eternity when the time comes.
I have received this and the man who told me should know because he does not live in this world, but he is a master in eternal life.
And he says that I will know one day where the life of the soul goes when the body dies.
Yes, one day I will know everything ...’
‘What you say is deep and it will be too marvellous for many people, even incredible.
I do not know that world in which you think and experience things.
But you will not lose yourself, your powerful legs will keep you standing.
Won’t they, colleague?’
I see myself leaving later, completely absorbed by the problems which are connected to this conversation and my work.
This conversation took place hundreds of years ago and none of it, not one sentence or word was lost.
It makes me feel dizzy.
I hold onto my father, hold his hand firmly in mine.
We continue the journey and I try in the meantime to deal with all of this in order to be ready again soon.
Everything is almost too much.
Those images from the past, the things they prove to me!
I live, I have lived numerous times.
I wanted to get to know the soul and this longing still drives me onwards.
I wanted to sacrifice myself in order to get to know the laws of the soul and this has meanwhile happened.
In the Grebbe-line, I got the chance to do this.
Then Angelica and father were with me, now they are there again.
Love and the longing for spiritual wisdom bonded us and now bind us.
Life is great and wonderful.
God is great and wonderful.
Silence and peace come to me, now that I know all of this.
The soul cannot be destroyed.
The soul, humanity is eternal.
I want to reflect upon this, I will get to know and understand God’s sacred Creation, I feel.
Father is likewise deep in thought.
I see how the light on the horizon becomes weaker.
Evening is falling, people are going to sleep.
However, for me there is no darkness, light shines towards me.
And it came to me from the past!