Unnoticed, really without knowing it, a week, a month and a year have passed and you have become older, probably a bit wiser too, because you can learn something every day if you want to, or life will stand still.

Anyone who is healthy and can think, can fold his hands and be grateful, however, anyone who does not want that, will not get any other thoughts to experience either, none of what rises above human thoughts and feelings and is sometimes from Our Lord, which can, however, be a revelation for yourself.

People, who think about everything which life can give them to bear, are usually also prepared; those people do not fall into a human or social ditch just like that, these personalities watch out for themselves, are eternally careful as a result of which they protect themselves from the unknown life.

Crisje is like that!

Her inner life reveals to her: Crisje, I cannot take you by surprise.

I will not come at night either.

You always look me straight in the eye, but millions of people do not do that and now have to deal with me.

I cannot do anything about it now that they are stumbling, break their precious necks or have to go to hospital, that is in those people’s own hands, Crisje!

But I always get the blame!

They curse me, Crisje, but tell me honestly, am I a beast?

Am I unbearable?

Of course, I give you things to bear, of course it is that.

I want people to learn and be open to good things, but they flatly refuse!

You, Crisje, weigh things up, Trui as well, but she does it in her own way and that is Trui’s business, above me is Our Lord, you know that!

People healthy in mind and body sometimes look for the most misery.

You see those people every day, they are careless with happiness.

They shake happiness off themselves just like that, and they are merciless, these are the people who say today: I love you, thank you for everything, I can’t live without you, I need you so much and I am nothing without you, but tomorrow?

Or perhaps the day after tomorrow and next year, for example?

You are not like that!

Trui can sometimes make off-hand calculations, but Trui also does it carefully.

Now she had to accept, after all, that she could not force Crisje to marry at the same time as her, she does it differently.

Life also gives her many possibilities and Trui will use these in whatever way, but she does it and is certainly not blind or deaf, she does it a bit differently.

Trui did not take any careless leap in the dark, she did not fall into a ditch either, Trui refused flatly to do that, and she leaves it to other people.

She sits cheerfully behind the curtains looking out, she follows the life that walks down the Grintweg, and she knows for herself, she also belongs to life and has the right to a human existence.

Who will stop her reaching out to some happiness?

No one can do that and women can tell her more.

Crisje’s boys see the engagement has started.

Aunt Trui will soon marry.

On Sunday, they see Trui and Otto go up the hill, straight to Montferland, like two people in love, going for a walk.

Life is good; life is wonderful, also for aunt Trui and Otto Wageman.

Anyone who sees Trui, thinks that she is mad!!

Otto is very bothered with the nerve in his neck.

Now and again, they see a sudden upward movement and then his shoulders shake as well.

You have to laugh at it, whether you like it or not, it is so amusing, but you must not do it in Trui’s presence, or you will get into trouble.

What do those people want here?

Trui is alive.

And she looks like a lady, Crisje does not come to know where she got that silk coat.

Trui tells her that she received it from Chang, one of the Italians who was here and wanted to buy Jeus from the Tall One and Crisje, however, Crisje knows that is an excuse, but she has the silk coat and she looks good in it.

Maybe Otto gave it to her.

You should see her now, the boys say, after this a walking stick like the ladies from Montferland always have with them, and Trui will also be a lady.

Crisje cannot understand it.

Trui is walking about like a lady from the town.

People laugh behind their curtains, because she sometimes holds up her skirts or they will wipe the Grintweg clean.

You have to laugh at that!

It is worthwhile, you do not see that here every day.

However, fair is fair, Trui thinks: get lost.

And try disagreeing with her.

You can get lost!

You can get the ‘droodles’!

A bit formal, but it is going okay.

She never went to such an effort for uncle Gradus, the boys say, and Crisje must agree with that.

Envy, perhaps?

Do you want something from me?

There she goes again.

It is lovely weather today and now they are off to lovely Montferland, to their own woods, to the beautiful silence there, which you cannot get enough of, but which Trui has certainly not experienced in at least ten years.

But that Otto.

And how life can change you.

Aunt Trui is not quite all there.

Otto’s neck is nervous because of it, but that doesn’t matter.

Jan and Marie and afterwards Hendrik Wageman come and have a look now and again as well.

Crisje has already seen her future husband.

One evening Trui came to call her and then they had a brandy with sugar, something nice, which the people here enjoy, and which Crisje sometimes enjoyed with her Hendrik, as a celebration.

However, that was with her Tall One.

Now together with Trui, Otto and Hendrik, two brothers and two sisters together.

Life is strange, strange, and mad.

Can you believe it!

Tall Hendrik stood next to her for a moment and nodded.

Crisje believes that she also heard him say ‘cheers, Crisje’, but she cannot say so with certainty, her thoughts and the talking here interrupted Tall One’s talking.

Then she was able to start thinking.

And no one interrupted her.

Crisje just looked, in her heart she had her own opinion.

But what do you want?

What are you doing now, Crisje?

Is this your temporary happiness?

A subject that is difficult to think about.

However, she is able to think about it because her thoughts have been with the spiritual side of her and her Tall One all this year and through the long winter, she has also worked through it.

Now she can think about the physical reality of it; and that is sitting next to her here and is having a nice chat, but is behaving in a shy fashion!

Crisje knows, not everyone is like Tall Hendrik!

When Crisje came back from Trui’s house, Jeus was upset.

And asked her:

“What were you doing there at aunt Trui’s house, mother?”

Crisje looks Jeus in the eye.

It is true, she should have put it differently, but it suddenly came out and it was harsh as well, when she said:

“Do I have to ask your permission to go to aunt Trui’s house?

Do I have nothing more to say about my own affairs?”

‘Get lost’, was not said, or not even the ‘droodles’, but a stabbing pain, just under the human heart, is something completely different.

Jeus did not say anything else, however, Crisje knew that she had hurt him.

Now she must eat humble pie, but that is no longer possible, Crisje.

Jeus knows his rival lover is sitting there.

His ... what?

What was sitting there?

Do you understand that now, that your mother is drinking brandy with sugar from aunt Trui?

Mother is doing that.

And with those horrible men?

If only father knew about it.

No, I will not eat today!

I do not want anything today!

Nothing!

I will go to bed on an empty stomach.

I have been cheated!

Now his battle begins.

First just find out whether it is deadly serious in mother’s mind, and then carry on.

Thank God, he has been worried about nothing.

It is not serious.

However, Jeus now knows.

Aunt Trui only thinks about herself and Otto.

Then Crisje heard that the boys all had a sore neck and Trui got to see this, afterwards the scolding started.

“Can you approve of your boys making a fool of my Otto, Crisje?

If they were my children, then I would teach them a lesson.”

The boys’ reply to her: “That is just not the case, aunt Trui.

And if it was the case, you would get something from us, as long as you know”... Trui could make do with it.

But Otto did not accept it and when he wanted to lash out, he just got to hear from Crisje:

“Otto, if there is anything to lash out about, I am here as well”, and Otto said again: “Get lost for all I care.

Just work it out for yourself”, and it was peaceful again, however, Jeus caused all this.

Otto leered at Crisje.

Otto would like to see his brother with her, and that’s it!

However, people now know that Trui will get married, and Crisje will follow, as a matter of course.

And who is the first now is not important, Trui knows, Crisje will do it as well, she does not want to wait a year.

Now the engagement has started, but also something else and that is between Crisje and Jeus.

Jan and Marie, Otto’s brother and sister sometimes come to the Grintweg.

The boys see that Jan pulls faces, and talks nonsense.

That Otto’s Jan is a strange customer, but his nonsense is not a patch on Gerrit Noesthede’s nonsense.

He was different; you could really laugh at that carry-on of Gerrit Noesthede’s.

When Otto’s Jan starts, you do not know whether to laugh or cry, Jan makes such a strange face.

Jan has the same thing in his jaws that Otto has in his neck.

Sister and brothers live together, and it is Marie, a dry type, who takes care of Hendrik and Jan, which Otto has just about had enough of and will now take off.

For that matter, Otto already lived on his own years ago.

He had lost his wife, but Trui loves children and can do something at home for Our Lord.

Is that not the case?

What you make of it is jealousy; it is not anything else!

The spiritual thoughts and feelings of Crisje and her Tall One are now locked away!

They have been buried!

Or Crisje could not have stood it for a second with Trui.

Now she can adapt to the material world and she gives all of herself to it, but no one knows that, not even Jeus.

After much consideration and thought, everything from her and the Tall One went into the deepest chamber of her heart.

And when everything was buried there, that inhumanly heavy door was locked.

Only the Tall One and Crisje know how that lock can be opened.

And of course, Our Lord as well, because it is HE, who checked the lock and then said: ‘It is fine like that, Crisje, Tall Hendrik, you know what is not possible, but which has to be the case!’

They accepted it and Crisje could begin to think about material and earthly things.

Aunt Trui, Crisje is now prepared.

However, no one knows what has happened to Crisje.

Only the Tall One, but he is elsewhere.

The sacred matters have been considered, things have been thought through.

They have been locked away and sealed.

She cannot take a leap in the dark now, nor will she fall by the wayside, and if that should happen, anyway, Trui, that other thing will have nothing to do with it.

That is buried now and is resting somewhere, but will be dug up again some day and then, Trui, both of them will go on together, but now for eternity!

You do not have any understanding of these matters, Trui.

And you will not get to experience those feelings for the moment either.

Millions of people want to experience it, Trui, but they do not make any effort for it, they think that it is for sale.

Everything is now okay with Our Lord!

Crisje now knows what she can do and may do and this has nothing to do with Jeus.

Even if Jeus goes to pieces because of it, she cannot be influenced any longer.

Crisje does not think lightly about things, because she is on top of them.

But she sent out ten thousand Our Fathers and Hail Mary’s, she experienced the Way of the Cross sixteen times and then the word came, the only word to her question: Our Lord, what should I do?

It is Jeus!

Our Lord then looked at Jeus, sympathetic, having thought about everything, of course, but then, Trui, Jeus was still too much of a whippersnapper.

And now, Trui, the human questions come to the foreground.

Even the angels became involved, also the judges who understand all these things.

Nevertheless, it will be a strange mess, most certainly, you will see.

If there are no suicides now, that will be a miracle in itself.

The Tall One has also seen his own paradise.

With beautiful flowers, heavenly orchids, and the angels sang for him.

There were beautiful choirs which the Tall One got to hear and the purity and beauty of it was a caress for Our Lord, but Tall Hendrik sent it to his Cris.

In the church, kneeling before the staircase to Golgotha, Crisje got to hear everything from her Tall One, but she thought that it was Our Lord himself who let her hear these sacred matters.

At that moment, Crisje knew what she had to do, for the Tall One as well.

When Father heard it, her good old friend, he felt even more awe and respect for Crisje than before, and wiped away his tears in Crisje’s presence.

He also got tears in his eyes for Jeus, but then Father knew everything!

Crisje got a nice rosary as a gift from him and a blessing, which is almost never given to people, but through which Crisje would pray for Jeus.

That poor boy!

It went so far that Father said that Crisje no longer needed to come to confession, everything was now fine!

What Crisje was able to do in the months, which passed, was amazing!

And if Jeus thought that he could steal for Teun and Miets, he was completely off the mark.

From that moment onwards, Crisje started to think in another direction to him, straight to something else, to the certainty for her and the boys.

Did Jeus think that Crisje was not shocked?

From that moment onwards it became serious.

Jeus will later realize that is not possible.

Only then will he know that it is his own fault.

It will also then become clear to him that what he is fighting for belongs to the adults, and is nothing for a boy of thirteen years old.

Crisje has buried her inner life and the Tall One has brought that coffin elsewhere.

When she was going about there, the Tall One saw that there were two beautiful flowers on the coffin, and that was himself and his dear Crisje.

The flowers had the colours of their souls and people could see at the same time how Crisje and the Tall One had lived together, and how much they loved each other.

The Tall One saw that there were also coffins from other people, which made him understand that it really looked a lot like a final judgement, at least for this life, the life of himself and Cris!

Our Lord could see from the flowers whether the child of the earth had cheated HIM or not and then life carried on.

The seven judges came to see whether the Tall One was not messing about, but when they saw which colours the flowers represented, the Tall One received their approval also their understanding, and he could close his grave.

It was also the moment that the Tall One could start his own battle, with regard to Crisje and Jeus and the other things which Hendrik Wageman was also a part of and sung the first tenor, but which the Tall One did not know yet.

Afterwards, the Tall One had one vision after another, which were sent to him from a Temple, just like that, it happened of its own accord, but there were also solar eclipses involved.

One image linked him to another and the last one was connected to the first one and blood flowed as well, the blood of people, it was really human, the scene took him straight back to earth, to a human society containing everything that people adulate; it was built up in an inspired way.

The Tall One now thought: that it is very probably reality and is all from myself, he became deadly serious, and from that moment on the Tall One gave in completely.

That was also a time for the Tall One to think; he learned an enormous amount from it.

It was also for him: is that allowed?

Is that possible?

But the Tall One continued.

Then the Tall One wondered:

‘Has a shift taken place in the heavens?

Does my Crisje have to marry?

Can that not be prevented?

Do people not know anything about Crisje in the heavens?

Do they know nothing about such a sacred person?

What does God want to do with His people?

Can you live in a purer fashion than Crisje?

It is not possible!

Does Our Lord not have a grain of respect for HIS children of good will?

Does that sacred self of people have to be thrown to the pigs?

Is that possible?

Does that have to be the case?

Is there no other way to be followed, to experience?

Nothing else?

No, are you serious about this?

Does Our Lord take pleasure in beating HIS children?’

Questions enter the Tall One’s mind, which he could not have dreamed of before.

Then his life became stormy; he experienced a nervous spasm, the Tall One screamed so that they could hear it at the bottom of the Grintweg, at least for him, who had these ears, the inner ears of a person.

The Tall One went on his way.

Hendrik first went through thousands of tombs.

He had to get through it whether he liked it or not, but meanwhile, he was able to have a look around.

Was he there himself?

How is it possible, the Tall One thought.

I am there myself.

He crawled under the ground to the eternal light, to reality.

And that light gave him wisdom, knowledge!

He crawled to the ‘end’ of the earth!

Also to the ‘end’ of human existence!

Tall Hendrik crawled back to the moment where the God of all life started with HIS creations, and made people from some material and breath of life?

Tall Hendrik carried on consciously, he sometimes hit his head and heart until it bled, but that did not matter, he now carried on!

He sweated blood, the Tall One.

He also squealed like a pig.

It was so powerful, what he now experienced and had to accept.

When he did not see any weak light burning any more, he lay down to rest and he played all his violins until they broke, but no one listened, there was no one, he was just alone.

The Tall One does not take any chances either.

He also gave it plenty of thought, but he had to accept it!

The Tall One dragged himself through and did not break his neck.

He did not dare to perform any twirls; life was now too serious for that.

His whole thinking and feeling was adjusted to this new thing which he thought was not there, but it was there!

It has always been here, the Tall One mumbled to himself, but I and millions of people from yonder do not know, Father also knows nothing about it, nothing!

A pity!

He will soon be able to know!

Soon!

‘All of you’, the Tall One roars, ‘will be allowed to know it!’

Now the Tall One was immediately faced with another University.

And through that university, he was beaten to the ground and it called him to a halt for a moment.

Now he had a hole in his head, but that did not matter, he carried on, dreaming for a moment, then more consciously he began to ask questions.

The Tall One did not even feel bewitched, this tumble also had something earthly to it, because there were those graves.

In his temporary rest, he heard something that wakened him.

It was an inner alarm that continued to ring and kept him awake.

Now that he started to think again, that ringing stopped and he understood completely, he could not go to sleep here any more.

Afterwards he saw a solar eclipse, which was his fault.

He was standing in the middle of that light, but with his back to the truth and he had never wanted to understand that on earth.

He experienced the truth here of that human eclipsing of the sun, and accepted it!

A while later, when he started his walk again, he came to be standing in front of a signpost.

Now he could decide for himself, the Tall One felt that, whether he wanted to go left or right, upwards or downwards.

He did not like that at all, it put him in doubt, because there was a danger attached to it; he could lose himself in this life.

And the Tall One did not want that any more.

He then asked himself:

“Has a person lived several times on earth?”

It was a good question.

But who could answer his question?

A while later he uttered:

“Is it myself whom I now am or did I used to be another?”

However, he knew that already, by crawling under the graves, he was able to acquire this knowledge.

But that was still not everything, Crisje followed him and he wanted to know everything for her.

He takes a trip through life again in order to establish whether he and Crisje had already known each other before, therefore before this life.

The Tall One now looks at signs of recognition, he tries to feel whether it is he himself who is lying there and whether Crisje is there; and, yes, he sees himself and Crisje in front of him.

The Tall One was now faced with thousands of laws of life, for good and evil as well!

Now he got a fright, he first wanted to run away, but immediately changed his mind, and finally carried on.

Each law now beat him to the ground and his last violin was destroyed.

And those laws threw him between life and death; many others really made him mad, but through another hand, it was a soft touch, he got his own conscious back again and the Tall One could continue.

Because of this the Tall One lost his certainty, but received another, and this one for his soul and spirit!

Only now did the Tall One understand, this concerned everything!

His creeping under the ground provided him with wisdom.

Now he saw himself as a poor dog back on earth and in that next existence as a poet.

In his hand, the Tall One now saw that consciously, he saw a fancy pen, one with feathers on top and that was from himself.

Left and right he saw books, written sheets of parchment and that was his hand, everything was from himself!

Even further back he sees himself in the jungle!

There he is a jungle king with rings through his nose and it meant little to him.

He trembled from that elaborate life, because that conscious, he now felt and saw that, and it meant nothing.

He ran away from there quickly to the next scene, which was of himself and Crisje, because he was searching for it.

Whilst running about like this, someone caught up with him and asked him: “How quickly you are running, friend, are you in such a hurry?”

The Tall One suddenly wanted to know everything and asked whether that other person could tell him, which he proceeded to do:

“Do you want to know in a few words or with a long, drawn-out story?” the Tall One chose the first option.

“Then listen”, he said.

“Tall One, you hear that I know you, this all means that GOD’s life cannot be destroyed.

You have lived on earth more than once.”

“Is that everything?”

“Is that still not enough, Tall One?”

“And what does that mean?”

“That we people have made a complete mess of our lives, Tall One.”

“So, is that the case?

What a pity, but who are you?”

“I am ‘someone’, Tall One.

I know all people.

And you are not prepared for this life.

Because you never wanted to get hold of a good book, you now do not know the slightest thing about it.

You, Tall One, did not even listen to the nice sermons of Father.

You sung in the choir, but that other part meant nothing to your life.

And if you had not been a good man, you would not have seen me or yourself.

However, there is one satisfaction, Tall One, Crisje will remain yours and that will be for eternity, but continue, first use your eyes properly, and then you may know as well.

That is now everything and you can be satisfied.

But you two, Tall One, now it will come, do not be frightened, behave like a man for a change, show that you have gumption, Tall One, you have to make up to that shy man!

Everything, do you feel?’

When the Tall One wanted to know more, that other person had disappeared.

After a short rest, he made another decision and plunged underground again and visited throughout the world.

Now the Tall One ventures to the Germans, French, and English people, also the Indonesians, he comes in Morocco, not forgetting America, but that was not really existing ...

He also sees himself back with the wild Indians.

And in ancient Egypt with his Crisje as a ‘mummy’!

Good grief, Tall One, isn’t that something?

Yet that is you and that person lying next to you is your soul, Crisje.

The same soul, Tall One!

Because you only get once in your life one soul from Our Lord, which you have to do with for all of HIS eternity.

And that thing does not wear, that thing cannot be destroyed, for that matter, you will soon determine that for yourself, that thing is eternal and will always work!

For good and evil, Tall One, however, especially for rest, peace and love, it is then that thing works for Our Lord, for which it was born!

It is in Germany, where the Tall One observes that he is carrying a cross and is walking at the front of a procession.

And he sees Crisje is walking next to him.

It is unbelievable, but he has to accept this miracle!

That is he, and that is Crisje!

Now he immediately feels the misery of this life and sees that he has stolen Crisje.

Hendrik Wageman is also walking there!

Tall One.

Just look, you took his love away from him.

The man went to pieces and now you have to make up for that, and your Crisje along with you.

Do you not believe it?

Then you must just try to get out of it.

Aunt Trui has already laid the first and the last foundations, it can happen soon!

When that was over, the Tall One saw himself standing on the stage.

He was singing.

He now knows, he sung until he could sing no more in that life or he would have left the stage, he was not able to offer any resistance.

He sees himself again with all those mad women, and when he had had quite enough of it he went on.

My God, the Tall One thinks; I still have the blisters on my backside from all that silly carry-on, but it is the truth!

And when he had a good look around him at this moment, he heard the people praying and he was wakened with a wave.

Now the Tall One sees himself back in the middle of the kitchen.

The neighbourhood is kneeling, but Jeus looks him right in the eye.

Within a few hours the Tall One has aged by centuries, but what he saw and experienced, took place in rest and peace, lying in the Forecourt of Our Lord, but he will soon see the reality of it.

At that moment, he hears: Tower of David ... pray for us!

Gilded Star ... pray for us!

Arc of the Covenant ... pray for us.

He runs away, the Tall One has a quick look at his body in the coffin but takes those prayers with him.

Arriving at a crossroads somewhere, he dumped that load from his shoulders and threw the prayers from his life, the Tall One did not want anything to do with them, reality showed him something else.

Then the Tall One saw that the human coffin is high, low, right and left and becomes wide and round, if you make it round yourself and feel it inside you.

And then it was eleven o’clock there, aunt Trui closed the front door, the neighbourhood went away, but Jeus got to see and experience him, after which Tall Hendrik could say: ‘see you soon, I will be back!’

Afterwards the Tall One began to work on himself, to work for Our Lord and he learned to see and appreciate the unknown.

That was Casje.

Jeus, it was the other Tall One, but you have nothing to do with it.

All this belongs to your father.

The Tall One and Crisje were involved, and Jeus?

No, Jeus, precisely, it is about Hendrik Wageman and what must happen, and what you should leave alone!

Your pinching also means nothing!

However, what one person had to think of and deal with for this material world, another person had to accept for the spiritual world.

Then Crisje and her Hendrik knew why Trui made such a fuss, and they had to be grateful to her as well.

Hendrik Wageman, Crisje, and Tall Hendrik knew, could now come!

Jeus, you will now be destroyed!

You are not alone in all that misery, your father is also faced with your life, and now you have to lose it!

Who can fight against this?

However, there are many people in the world of the Tall One who will follow you, Jeus, because it is a battle of life and death.

Let tomorrow take care of itself.

Just give in, Casje will also know then how to act.

It has become the middle of summer.

Jeus is enjoying work at the butter factory and it is going well.

He sticks around there because he earns well, and at home, yes, they will just have to manage.

Crisje has had no more complaints for a while, he thinks, it is going well and it couldn’t be better, they will get through all that misery of course.

He performs gymnastics, he can play football well, and a bit of pocket money is spent on sport.

They like him at the factory, and the boss sometimes talks to him about business.

In this child, a feeling of an old person lives and that child wants to progress, he also has a feeling for worries and this boss likes that.

However, the land lease has still not been paid, many other matters will have to change, Miets and Teun need a lot of things; however, little Gerrit and Hendrik will come and help him soon.

When he comes home in the evening, he will discuss the state of affairs with Crisje, but Crisje is not nearly as open-hearted as she used to be, he feels, but can understand that.

What a world, you are faced with everything alone, but he has not nearly lost his hope and courage.

When he comes home one evening from the football pitch, a man is sitting in the kitchen.

He knows that life, of course, it is the brother of uncle Otto.

What is that man doing here, mother?

A piercing pain stabs him just under his heart.

And mother must not know that, it is also really none of that man’s business either.

Crisje says to him:

“This is Hendrik Wageman, Jeus.

You know Hendrik.”

Has mother gone mad?

Has mother gone completely mad?

The game for life and death begins.

You do not throw friends out of the house just like that, will you remember that, Jeus?

“Was this man ever in father’s ‘quartet’ ”, he asks Crisje.

“No, of course not.”

He cannot understand it.

What is that man doing here in our kitchen?

When the man wants to give him some money, he does not want that dead coin from him, he has enough money himself.

And he does not leave the kitchen either; he stays where he is now.

This is his kitchen, do you know that, Crisje?

But what are you getting into your head, mother, are you then ... like aunt Trui is?

Should Jeus not play football?

No, it is none of your business; you will not get me to leave anyway.

Now Crisje and Hendrik Wageman are sitting there and do not know any more what they should talk about.

There is an enemy amongst them and that is Jeus.

What do you want?

See that you leave, you have nothing to do with this, and this is our house!

It belongs to me and all of us.

Go away!

Just go; see that you leave!

I will see you out the door!

Now it is time that Hendrik Wageman has to leave.

Crisje will no longer look at him!

He makes off upstairs.

Crisje cannot talk yet, but he thinks, in a different way than before, it concerns his Crisje, his love.

Who will win, Jeus?

Trui?

It doesn’t matter to Trui, even if she is at your mother’s soul and happiness day and night; you will lose!

From now on, he splits himself, he can do his work at the factory blindfolded and there is no longer any contract to experience, he now remains tuned into home, to Crisje and his feelings.

One evening he runs onto the football pitch and suddenly feels something, which sends him straight to Crisje.

Did I not think so?

Just a moment ago Hendrik Wageman also came.

Crisje asks:

“Do you not have to play football, Jeus?”

“No”, he answers in a somewhat strict and harsh manner, “I don’t feel like playing football now.”

He is now sitting between two people again who want to tell each other something, but cannot do so due to his presence.

He does not want, and that is the case, for his life to hear that cooing.

If Crisje was to tell him, and that will happen as well, that she was to start again with that human cooing, she would experience that he would laugh right in her face.

Because that is the case, anyway, isn’t it?

And he sees it, he is sitting there himself; Hendrik Wageman really begins to coo.

But that is like nothing on earth, he also sees, it is the cooing of a very ordinary dove, you can have a pair like that for thirty cents, does mother not know that?

That is the first battle for Crisje and then the doves fly into space.

No, that is not a tumbler.

Mother is a peacock tail, that man there is not a cropper; a cropper is something completely different.

A cropper makes a fuss, it coos differently as well, it rolls its tails over the ground and it sits on top of it, but this dove wrings its hands and behaves like it has clipped wings.

It is horrible!

He cannot bear thinking about it, or what should come of it, because mother would never allow the man into the house, would never approve that he took a seat in father’s chair.

Are you not getting off the chair yet?

What are you doing in my father’s chair?

Get out of that corner, that is my place.

Do you understand mother now?

Crisje now sometimes sees him laughing, but she does not know why he does that.

Now that she lets in another dove, it goes without saying, the world which he possessed with her alone, is closed up to his lips.

Nevertheless, he laughs at the innocent pranks of that man there.

Good heavens, is that cooing?

Do you not see then who is sitting next to you?

He would take Crisje in his arms and crush her to death.

But just try it.

He crumbles up a piece of bread and throws the crumbs across the table.

He says: “Here, eat something; stupid dove that you are.

Do something, just take action, or see that you leave.”

Meanwhile his blood is mixed up.

However, his brain is working at full power, he is experiencing a real human drama.

Does mother want to be wooed by a very ordinary dove like that?

You would be frightened to death if it happened.

Now that it is taking too long, this exploring and that terrible silence, this staring at each other, the cutting feeling between them, Hendrik Wageman reaches into his pocket and holds something out to him.

“Here, Jeus, here is a mark from me.

Just buy something for yourself.”

He said it gently, but that gentleness is not accepted; he reacts fast and powerfully and throws the mark in the man’s face:

“I do not want a mark from you.”

Now the blood rises to his brain.

Crisje also reacts and throws at him:

“Say, ugly whippersnapper, will you be polite?”

The human cooing has been disturbed, the male dove has fallen from the roof, he does not understand that Crisje is moaning at him.

However, she gets back her self-control when she says:

“As long as you know, I am still the boss here.”

That is quite enough, Crisje.

He now knows, the battle has begun.

You are now beating a big hole in his soul; it smashes his life to pieces.

Jeus races out the door.

Into the woods, he is everywhere and nowhere, and walks without thinking about it back to the place where he once saw the day change to night and Golgotha spoke to his life.

Now he is alone, no one sees him, and he does not want anything to do with inspirations from above.

They have cheated him!

Casje, Fanny, José, and the Tall One can drop dead.

He was given a hiding just a moment ago, so bad, so dirty as well, that you think that you will succumb from it.

The blood now runs out of your ribs, because of your own mother.

Is the world not collapsing yet?

My Lord, Crisje is a cheat!

Mother is lying!

Mother has betrayed you!

Can you believe it, there is no more Our Lord to be seen; he experienced that himself just a moment ago.

He listens but there is no sparrow to be heard.

Then they can all get lost, he utters, and he throws himself on the ground, but does not cry, they would like that.

A while later he falls asleep.

Can you believe it; he is sleeping and forgets everything.

Crisje listens, has he not come home yet, it is three o’clock.

What has happened to her Jeus?

A moment ago, she was upstairs and he was still not there.

She is overcome with fear, it is terrible, and it is inhuman.

She also falls asleep, however, he wakens and runs out of the woods, straight to his little bed in the attic and goes to sleep again.

When he comes downstairs in the morning, the coffee is ready and Crisje begins, she has something to tell him, she owes him an explanation.

“Jeus, I have to tell you something.

I owe you an explanation but that can be said in a few words, we cannot make it any more!

We have come to a standstill here, as long as you want to understand it.”

It has been said.

And Jeus reacts quickly.

“That is all very well, mother, but we still do not need this man.” she knows now, but she does not want to hear anything about accepting.

Jeus continues:

“What is that man doing here, mother?

What does he have to do with our poverty, mother?

Nothing, it is nothing to do with him how we have to struggle and nothing ...” but he swallows the rest, Crisje knows exactly what he means.

Johan and Bernard now prevent them from talking further and that is also terrible, but they have to swallow it, it is now a case of waiting until this evening.

However, the last word has not yet been said, and that very last thing will only take a moment, but then the blood will run out of his ribs and there will be victims,

And they will probably talk in different directions.

If no serious things happen, then there will be nothing more to be said.

But it is possible,

By one word, one careless word, people committed suicide, there were deaths, people were torn apart, people were also burnt at the stake as a result of a careless word thousands of people were destroyed, all of this as a result of one action, love became hate and good will became conscious destruction and man and wife became animals.

In this way, one word can inspire a person for bad or good.

On the other hand, can Jeus hate?

The future will tell us that.

Crisje cannot, nor has she ever been able to do that, but it is bad, it is unbelievable, this concerns everything!

He thinks all day about Crisje and Hendrik Wageman, but also about the Tall One, his father.

He cannot talk to Bernard and Johan.

They have no bond, no inner contact with mother; Jeus knows for certain that they live at home and are really not there, at least as far as these inner feelings are concerned.

And, of course, he runs home after work in order to be able to talk to Crisje and this takes place between the two of them.

Crisje begins:

“Are you angry at me, Jeus?”

The reply is:

“Why would I be angry at you, mother?”

She continues and says: “Do you not understand then that our household is going downhill?”

That last thing is a mistake, wrong.

She may no longer talk about ‘us’.

These are Crisje’s thoughts.

Can you believe it, she is now talking herself out of his life.

She must talk destructively, far away from him.

And her talk now knocks down walls which were put up by love, but which are now consciously broken down.

The most loving has to leave for a while, that no longer means anything, it must take place consciously, or you will not achieve what you want.

And that is cutting through the human heart, Jeus’ little heart.

It is something frightening.

Crisje knows, and she also feels it, God preserve me, it has to be done!

Then he is suddenly faced with a scaffold, the axe falls when Crisje says:

“Hendrik asked me whether I want to be his wife, Jeus.”

He feels stung, but it is not that either, it is something completely different, blood running away is something else entirely, this is worse.

Your whole life is turned upside down and you think that you are going completely blind.

Yet, that is still nothing, in comparison with this, which now lives in him.

It is so strange, but also so horrible.

He comes out with: “What?

What did you just say to me there, mother?”

But he has understood every word clearly, because he also says: “Of course, you laughed in his face, didn’t you, mother?”

Jeus now sees and must feel, that Crisje did not laugh at that man, he does not know any more and it is the very last thing for his inner life, he is suffocating, he is bursting, he collapses and still remains himself, and it is so inhuman, because Crisje says to him:

“No, Jeus, I did not laugh at him, because we are faced with poverty!

We cannot make it!

I do not know what to do any more, Jeus.

I cannot go forwards or backwards any more, Jeus,

But I have not said anything yet” she says, because she sees that he changes like snow in the sun, looks green and yellow, his body is shaking and the light has disappeared from his eyes.

But does that also help, Crisje?

Then he utters:

“Good gracious, that is something, mother.

And do I have to call him father?”

“That will happen of course, Jeus”... “He would want that, wouldn’t he?

That will happen of course?

But that will never happen, mother, never!

As long as you know, that will never happen.

I will never call him father.

You will take him, mother, but I will keep my own.

I have nothing more to say then.”

This is it for Crisje.

Trui and Otto come in, he takes off immediately, and he does not want to see those people.

He almost knocks them down and he gets to hear from Trui:

“Can you not watch where you are going, ugly whippersnapper?”

“What did you say?

Ugly whippersnapper?”

He had wanted to say something completely different to her, but Otto is there as well and he cannot fight against that fatso.

But Trui can drop dead and she assumes that from his behaviour, but then he has disappeared.

Where he has now gone, he does not know any more.

He was sitting above the Hunzele hill, and he went for hours on end through the woods then back over Montferland.

It was great, in the middle of the night like that, the silence here makes you shiver, and you can think.

Then he climbed back up the stairs, laid down for a while to go to sleep, but it didn’t work.

It is five o’clock, he gets out of bed and runs down the Grintweg, without coffee, he does not want anything more to eat, Crisje can keep her food, he does not want anything more from her life.

Alone and abandoned he mooches about the Emmerik road.

He balances so nicely on the rails without falling off, he looks at the estates as well, kicks a tree, swears and scolds a bit, but remains alone, suddenly he hears a muttering next to him, from a person who also has to go to Emmerik and just like him, got up early.

“So, Jeus, good morning.

You are up early, I must say.”

“Good morning, Casje.”

“What are you doing so early, Jeus?”

“What did you say?”

“I asked you why you are up so early.”

“Oh, do you want to know that?

I thought that you knew all about people.

But you can tell me more.

You are good at talking nonsense.

But I already said that about you before.

Pull the other one, it’s got bells on.

You don’t know the slightest thing about it.”

Casje now reacts: “So, that is so to speak, as stupid as a pig.

However, I will tell you something else.

I told you a while ago, that I want nothing to do with human matters, as a result of which people have to tell each other serious things and now that is something entirely different.”

He has a think and then he asks Casje: “Is that out of respect for people, Casje?”

“Yes, of course, also that, Jeus.

But that is not everything.

You can burden yourself with a pile of misery if you want to interfere in other people’s problems.

Today they want to believe you and then you can say everything, but tomorrow they will reverse your wisdom and you can drop dead.

I have known that for so long already, Jeus.

I have already hit my head a thousand times, but now I have also had enough of it.

I now want nothing more to do with that misery any more.”

“Then I can understand you, Casje, you are right; I see that for myself as well.

You take the misery on board and then you must carry it yourself, mustn’t you?”

“That is the case, Jeus, of course.

That is what I mean.

But you have not had anything to eat and drink, Jeus.”

“Do you know that?

I left just like that, Casje.”

“Are you angry at your mother?”

“No, I cannot be angry at mother, but it is something else entirely.”

“It is that man, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is him.

What would you do now, Casje?

How would you deal with this?”

“That is so to speak, Jeus, not so easy to give an answer to.

But I believe that it is the hunger, Jeus.

It is the worries and now everything will be different.”

“I know already, Casje.

You have no understanding of these matters.

Good gracious, that is something.

Are you now trying to tell me that I should throw my arms around that man, that I should say, just come in, here is my mother, just devour her completely?

We have taken good care of mother, and you may have everything from mother?

It is enough to drive you mad!”

Casje chuckles.

Jeus hears it and comes out with:

“Do you have to chuckle about it as well?

Do you not understand then, ass that you are, that these are matters between my mother and me?

You do not know a thing about it, as long as you know!

And did you think I would call him father?

He has nothing to do with me.

If mother takes him, Casje, I will not eat a single potato again!

Then I want to die!

And if he has the money for the land lease, mother will not get a cent again from me.”

It takes a moment, Casje has to think, and that takes too long, Jeus already asks:

“You are sitting here now, aren’t you?

Talking nonsense, you are good at that, but you have no understanding of this.”

Casje now says to him: “You are in a bad way, I have to say.”

“So, did you think that.

But did you not know then, who my mother is?

I thought that you knew my mother.”

“Listen, Jeus, these are matters which do not concern me.

However, you are still a child and these are matters for adults!

Besides, your mother has to take care of the household.

Of course, you are working yourself to the bone, but if it can no longer be helped?

What then?”

Jeus thinks.

Casje is right, but is there no other solution to be found to this?

Does it have to be another man precisely?

Casje follows him and says:

“Other people, Jeus, who also had such troubles, now started to steal.

But then they were soon in prison and could scream their lungs out.

And here, Jeus, there is only one possibility.

And if you think that I have no understanding of it, you must decide for yourself.

Your mother will marry and will now take care of all of you.

And that is all!”

“Shall I tell you something, Casje”, he grumbles back, “you can go to hell with your talk.

You can talk.

But know nothing about it, because you want nothing to do with it and that is completely obvious as well!

You do not feel anything for my affairs and those of my mother and how much I love my mother, nothing!

Just clear off.

You are no good to me; that is devil’s talk!

My household can drop dead!

I give up!”

Casje does not react now and Jeus shuffles along for a while, but he also feels that Casje is still there.

Then he asks again:

“Have you now started to think, Casje?

Or can you not make any sense of it either?”

“I thought so, Jeus, and about so many other things, but I really cannot change anything about it.

Not your father and no one, these are the circumstances, Jeus!”

When he is almost in Emmerik, he does not notice Casje any more, but now that he thinks about him, he hears from a distance coming to him:

“Mesjoer, Jeus.

I have just left you alone, you had already started to think for yourself, anyway.

That is why I just left you alone.

See you soon, you will also hear or see me today or tomorrow.

Just be strong, Jeus, and also think of your mother.”

This is quite enough, Casje thinks.

No more is necessary for now.

A while later Jeus enters the gates and walks straight to the little house where they sell coffee.

A while later Johan is standing in front of him with sandwiches from Crisje.

“Eat, Jeus, eat up your sandwiches, do not behave so strangely.

You can be annoyed to death, but that will not help anyway.

I have to go!”

But that good Johan, he thinks!

He tears off the paper, there is a little note from Crisje between the sandwiches.

He reads:

“Are you angry at me, Jeus?

As long as you know we have come to a standstill here.

I am not doing it for myself, but for the children, as long as you understand that.”

He does not know how he gets through these days.

A darkness reigns, everything is just as rotten!

What was still in bloom yesterday, is lying staring today and was pulled roughly out of the ground.

They have pulled out a leg from him, but this was worth more than Bernard’s leg.

Our Lord does not exist!

Fathers and mothers are liars.

What they love today they kick to death tomorrow in front of your own eyes.

Everything stinks!

He will never go to confession again!

A church means nothing!

And mothers, who pray the Way of the Cross, are hypocrites.

They do not mean it anyway!

If you think that you have a mother, you lose her as well!

What love is, is a big lie.

They lie through their teeth!

If you think that you may love your mother, you are mad!

And you must call a man like that father?

What kind of strange world is it anyway?

Has mother really gone mad?

Probably!

He has slaved away all those months for nothing!

Then a stranger like that gets that for nothing.

He cannot believe it.

And yet, the same evening Hendrik Wageman is sitting in the kitchen again and in father’s chair.

In his corner even, and Crisje doesn’t mind?

Is that allowed?

Is that allowed just like that?

They will get him out the door.

Even if the Grim Reaper is not to be seen here, he is still here!

The Tall One is in between and at the table, he feels; but mother does not see that any more.

There is a stench of a corpse here!

And there is not a coffin now, but you could murder people!

People are hypocrites; they throw you out of your own house!

Has mother forgotten father already and is mother just like aunt Trui?

Is that possible?

Was he mistaken about mother all these years?

Was the fact that mother collapsed at father’s grave just nonsense?

Conscious deception?

You would drag a person through that corpse stench in order to show them how it should be done, but is that his mother?

Gossips, that’s what people are!

This torture has gone on for weeks.

Then the final word must be said, there is no other way.

Another evening he gets to hear from Crisje:

“We are getting married, Jeus!”

Crisje has now told him.

Consciously but calmly, these horrible words roll from her lips.

He does not feel that her heart is breaking.

That is nonsense!

That no longer exists now, mother loves someone else.

You are going mad, good heavens, but what did mother just say?

He can no longer look; his eyes have become dark.

There is no longer any light in them and it is as if he has the whooping cough and the measles again, but now in his throat, in his heart as well.

And there is no succumbing again, that is the strangest thing of all.

“Get lost”, he utters ... that is all!

Nothing more is necessary.

This is the final word!

“Just get lost then”, Crisje hears him moaning; but he throws a knife at her feet and he does not let her see that there is blood sticking to it, because she would like that.

It is his own blood!

That knife came straight out of his heart and Crisje does not even see that?

He does not wish that for her!

She is not even worth his blood!

The pigs would be grateful for it, Trui, but not a person!

There is one person between them and that person gets, it races through his head, bliss and happiness, everything for nothing!

This, what his mother is, for which he would die, another person gets this for nothing just like that!

Just get lost!

Just go to hell, I will not lift a finger to you again!

The ‘droodles’!

Now a day takes forever, he feels, and life does not mean a thing.

That from yesterday is no longer there, that is dead!

‘You will never leave me, will you’, is now laughing at you, is roaring and laughing right in your face.

People throw love to the pigs and they deny themselves, and Our Lord!

I should never have done that!

That is the most stupid thing, which I have done in all my years.

This!

And that is you yourself!

I have been a fool.

I was no longer with it.

I have been cheated!

Even if they enjoyed delicious things, that was just nonsense!

That was not there, that was never there.

That was never there, but the fat dripped from human lips and they had fun, a champagne party was nothing in comparison!

But that was muck.

That other one as well, it was muck!

Dirty and stinking, but it concerned people.

Real human blood, but that no longer means anything!

Nothing!

That can drop dead!

Yes, Jeus, that is the case!

Crisje already recovers when she lets him know:

“Jeus, talk to me.

I can no longer take it!”

He thinks, then have a look at it and just do something else.

I have nothing to do with your life.

Crisje now gets to see and experience a politeness which she has not yet felt in him, but which is now present and proves that he cannot hate.

“That is something completely different, mother, I already told you as well, didn’t I?

But if it was a different man, mother.

Just like father was.

Then I have nothing to say.

And as long as you know”, he now utters, “You are not for sale, are you?

Not you, mother, for all the money in the world?” that pushes a knife into her heart and it becomes inhuman for her being and life.

It is terrible!

He is right, but what should she do?

Crisje sadly replies:

“But, but Jeus.

Can you no longer understand anything about me?”

Again she gets to hear how much she means to him and Crisje knows that she has no words for this love.

“For all the money in the world, mother, you cannot be bought.

And what does he have for you?

Thirty guilders perhaps?

A few cents like that?

For a few cents like that, you want to sell yourself?

My father should know that.

He would give you a hiding on your bare bottom, and I can understand it, mother.

You are also worth all the money in the world for my father, as long as you know!”

And when Crisje can still not say a word, Jeus continues:

“Father would laugh in your face.

And I do that, mother ... can you believe me?”

When Crisje cannot believe it, then she should just look now.

He laughs right in her face, it is a laugh of an adult, a tortured animal as well, it sounds nasty, inhuman to Crisje, and now he throws her her own life at her feet.

He lets rip, he does not hear her moaning, because this concerns everything!

He does not want anything more to do with this pathetic moaning.

Alms have no grip on his life and personality, that is dirty carry-on!

He throws her words through the kitchen, complaining is no good to him, and Crisje hears that.

He races through the kitchen like a provoked lion, just like father; the Tall One could do that.

He is fighting for his love!

Jeus is not finished yet.

“I will tell you something, mother.

You will not believe what I just saw, but I will now tell you!

If it were another man, I would agree with you.

But what I now saw, mother, what I could see for myself, mother”, ... he drums it into her ... so that she feels it properly and clearly and can know... when he stands before her and Crisje hears:

“I heard you screaming here in the kitchen, mother, like a slaughtered pig.

And through that man!

He will get the nerves out of your ribs, mother.

He will destroy you!”

Crisje defends the man who has to come, but that mumbling means nothing to him.

She hears again: “Can you not just wait until I am older, mother?”

“We cannot wait another minute, Jeus, we ...”, she does not get any further.

Jeus interrupts:

“I will not talk to you again.

I warned you, mother.

You will scream until you burst.”

Crisje lies down for a rest.

But what kind of a day is it?

She does not think about what she has experienced through him for many years in a row, his clairvoyance, because that was what Jeus experienced at that moment, and does not mean anything.

Not any more now, nothing from him means anything either.

There is only one thing and that must happen, she will get married to Hendrik Wageman and has to get married.

Jeus also crawls up the stairs, although his machine is trembling, he is still calm.

Gradually he loses consciousness, the strength for the day has been used up and the inner life takes over the day-consciousness, he falls asleep.

In the morning, the first thing he thinks about is, I can no longer talk to mother.

I am no longer the first, but the last.

And aunt Trui has won!

Running away, without food or drink is also pointless.

It is over, he has lost his household, another person will take over the worries.

And that is that man’s own business.

A person can no longer be trusted, he now knows and father is dead!

Mother as well!

Now a bite to eat and a drink and then he will be off.

Get dressed at the same time and then he will be off!

Within ten minutes he is already running down the road and is going in the direction of Emmerik.

Otto, Hendrik, Jan and Marie Wageman have become significant; he has lost everything.

Half unconscious he steps onto the Zutphen-Emmerik tram.

Then it is time he puts on his apron, works and thinks.

The boss already senses that there is something the matter with him and asks:

“Have you worries, Jeus?

What is the matter with you?”

“There is nothing the matter with me, boss, nothing, absolutely nothing!”

The man likes him, the boy, he feels, has an inward drama.

Then just work it out for yourself, he thinks.

He does not want anything more to do with playing football in the break and the butter does not taste nice any more.

He has to think, but about what?

He is not even home five minutes when Crisje already begins.

“You should not take that so to heart, Jeus.

And you are only thinking about yourself.

You did not think about me, did you?

You do not ask what is the matter with me, do you?

If Our Lord gives me things to bear now?

What would you say to that then, Jeus?”

Should you not just listen now.

Jeus?

Yes, he already knows, Crisje.

Just listen:

“Are you also trying to kid me, mother, that Our Lord separates people?”

Again Crisje has something to defend and says to him: “And your father then?”

“Father, you also say?

Do you want to defend yourself, by involving my father in it, mother?

That is a completely different story!”

It is true, she thinks, he is right.

I should not have said that.

But how must she convince him then?

There is nothing to be said about Hendrik Wageman.

He comes from a good family.

However, Crisje is still curious about what he saw and wants to know something about it.

“What did you see here yesterday evening, Jeus, here in the kitchen?”

Now he is completely lively.

“What I saw here, mother and heard?

Do you want to know that?

He got your heart out of your ribs, mother.

He destroyed you?

I could hear you screaming here.”

Crisje now gets a prediction for years.

That is not possible, is it?

Hendrik is a good person.

She forgets that Jeus is a wonderful seer.

But those great things of Jeus no longer mean anything either.

Hendrik is a good man.

She ignores those miseries.

They are not there yet.

Jeus goes on:

“He gets everything for nothing, mother, and that is terrible.”

Is that not true, Crisje?

Does Hendrik get everything on a plate?

What you had, can you believe it, he gets for nothing!

Is this a lie, Crisje?

It is the sacred truth!

What you and your Tall One and Jeus slaved for, for years, you now lay in another person’s hands, one, who has done nothing for it.

Nothing!

He cannot understand that.

But who understands it?

And now Our Lord is also separating you?

Must he accept that and believe that?

Jeus really loves you, Crisje.

And that for a few cents?

Can God approve of this?

Were your visions pure, Crisje?

Are you sure of your feelings and thoughts; are you not capable of waiting for a bit?

We know you are both right,

but which one of you is now fighting cleanly and purely for Our Lord and HIS angels?

That is Jeus, Crisje!

He has divine right in his hands!

Not you, even if you are so nice and good, nor Tall Hendrik!

Crisje asks Jeus:

“If Our Lord has now given me this to bear, Jeus, if that is now true, what do you have to say then?”

Words are still said, but soon, when the very last word has been spoken, you will no longer hear that here.

He answers her:

“You can pull the other one, mother.

Our Lord cannot destroy anything, that is unbelievable, that is scandalous, mother.

You can wash out your mouth now!”

Crisje gets a fright; this strikes home.

She is also shaking, but she has to carry on, “but, Jeus, can you not just understand me?”

Yes, of course, Crisje, he understands you well, just listen:

“Father would give you a hiding, as long as you know, mother.

You have gone mad!”

And that is now in her direction, when she says:

“And father told me himself, Jeus, that I must do that.”

“Good gracious, that is a big lie.

Are you trying to blacken father into the bargain?”

Now his whole machine rebels, he roars:

“Have you also become a liar, mother? ...”

Crisje already succumbs, she cannot compete with him, he says words to her, which cut her heart into bits and pieces, and he is right as well.

From a human point of view he is right, but this is not human any more.

These words went through her soul, through her blood, she is shaking on her seat, she has no legs any more, and her heart is lying in the middle of the kitchen.

You would want to kick it yourself, but that is not possible; it keeps on hopping away from under your nose.

You are now powerless!

However, she has something more to say:

“Jeus, but Jeus.

Father also said that I should do it.

What do you have to say now?”

Now you have it, Crisje: “I can understand that, mother, of course.

But he only understands listening to people.

And he cannot do anything else!” not only her heart is lying in the kitchen, but also her soul and happiness.

Jeus continues: “He can tell me more”, this is almost the last word, but Crisje has not finished yet.

She defends herself further:

“Also Our Lord said so, Jeus!”

Now he feels that Crisje is becoming childish.

“You already tried to kid me with that, mother.

But I told you that you could fool another with that, not me!” ... there also followed:

“He can also drop dead” There was lighting in the kitchen and Crisje just started to pray.

This is a scandal.

This is not a child anymore!

The factory is bad for children, because that’s what it is!

However, she does not give in yet.

He must and shall understand her, it concerns the children, their future.

She also tries to make it clear to him that Our Lord wants her to bear this, but Jeus does not go into it:

“He can tell me more now as well!”... and it does not help any longer – oh Jeus- but he also gets:

“I did not think that you could be so diabolical” That no longer affects his life and is now just chat.

Everything is scandalous, but Our Lord cannot approve of this.

He learned that from Crisje and now mother no longer believes it herself?

That is not possible.

It is nonsense!

His mother is mad, has become childish!

Does Our Lord want them to cheat HIS children, HIM, and each other?

That is not possible!

It is much simpler, mother is mad!

Mother does not know anymore what she is doing.

That’s it!

And Johan and Bernard are standing in the kitchen again and they can hold their tongues.

Has the last word now been said, Jeus?

The weeks no longer fly past, hours last an eternity, especially if you have nothing to say to each other.

He no longer talks to Crisje.

He can’t.

Even if he wanted to, his throat closes and then he is standing stuttering.

He no longer looks at Crisje and everyone sees and hears that.

Yes, of course, you are involved, after all.

However, everyone is sometimes fed-up and you have to fight that out for yourself.

True or not, life gives everyone something to bear.

One evening, Teun and Miets are dying to ask Jeus something.

“Jeus, are you at home tomorrow, aunt Trui is getting married.”

“No, I have to work.”

Trui is back and forth.

Tomorrow will be her big day.

“Cris, will you help me tomorrow?”

“I will make sure of that, Trui, of course.”

Trui looks round, but Jeus is not there.

Which prompts her to ask her sister:

“Will he come to wish me luck tomorrow, Cris?”

Crisje has to laugh.

What did Trui just say?

Who has to wish her luck?

Jeus?

She does not understand her.

She cannot understand Trui.

“I mean, Cris”, Trui repeats, “whether Jeus will come to wish me luck.”

Now Crisje has to laugh out loud.

Trui asks again:

“Do you have to laugh about that now, Cris?”

Crisje thinks, but that Trui.

That stupid Trui as well, does she know her Jeus so well?

Of course, Johan and Bernard will wish her luck.

And the others as well, but Jeus?

No, he will not do that and cannot do that.

Trui has gone.

Less than ten minutes later Trui is already back.

“Do you have that for me, Cris?

I will get the rest from Hent Klink.

Is Jeus not here yet?”

“No, he is not here, Trui,

“What do you want?”

And why are you so nervous?”

“It’s a lot for me”, Trui utters.

You see, Crisje, Trui is like that.

You are prepared, not her!

You have thought about everything, not her!

Now Trui would do anything to get that kind-heartedness from Jeus.

Not only that she stole his love because she started it, now also his blessing, because she feels that she has something to make up to you.

Do you perhaps think differently about it, Crisje?

No, Trui, you will never get that.

Crisje thinks, even I cannot get him to talk.

And what do you want now?

Does Trui feel something special?

Has Trui ever understood anything about Crisje and Jeus?

Does she now feel what she is separating?

Even if Crisje follows her soon, that will happen, but, Trui, you played a dirty role.

When the story of your life will be written later, even if it is turned upside down, Trui, Our Lord knows about your feelings and thoughts.

These two souls, Jeus and Crisje, have experienced Golgotha together.

And that is now being destroyed, Trui!

At least, it now looks like that.

You let Jeus bleed to death if possible, also his Crisje, and no one will disagree with him.

He experiences the sacred truth.

Crisje cannot understand it.

You would sympathise; it is so pathetic.

Trui has already been to Crisje’s house ten times in succession.

And what she wants to see is not there.

At least not for the time being.

Jeus has run into the woods.

Trui is nervous but that is because of uncle Gradus.

She did not wish to think, at least not about what Crisje and Tall Hendrik opened for their lives.

Trui also did not think about Gradus, he was dead to her life.

Trui’s love did not go further than Gradus’ coffin.

Now Trui sees all those sweet things again.

They follow her.

And without knowing it, she is facing Crisje again.

She used to chase Crisje’s children out of her house with a piece of black pudding.

Now Trui asks for alms, because she will get to experience the respect of Jeus.

Is that not the case, Trui?

No, Trui, Crisje thinks, you have no understanding of motherhood and childish love.

You will not experience those feelings anymore either.

Last night Trui experienced a dream.

She dreamt that she had to climb a mountain; it was a very high mountain.

Trui thought differently about it to how Crisje and her Tall One were able to accomplish this.

She walked around it!

Then she dumped her life with Gradus and thought it is okay like this.

However, she did not bury life.

The doors of her soul were wide open; Otto could wander in directly.

And when she wakened, she got to see that proof.

She was now sitting with Otto in the kitchen, and he poured a brandy with sugar for her.

Trui did not see any solar eclipse; it wasn’t there.

Her sun still had to begin to radiate light.

Nothing else was needed now, she understood it, but it did not give her any peace.

Therefore no ‘orchids’, Crisje.

And no playing of angels, no Our Lord!

Everything is materially experienced and thought out.

But what does it mean?

The rest of this good earth is no different, it is exactly the same!

Did I not tell you, dear Crisje, this love is not worth a thing.

Millions of women dream of happiness, also about human grip and make every effort from their own life and human machine in order to achieve it.

I do not say that Otto is not a good man, God preserve me, but Trui does not wish to climb your mountain yet.

What is universal value, just for soul and spirit, has been greatly cheated.

It is cheating yourself sedately and nothing else!

If you feel, Crisje, where this is all heading, then you will also see Gethsemané at your feet.

You will also be standing in front of a Pontius Pilate and begin to wash your hands in innocence, because the spiritual life and the personality succumb!

You can now buy it at the market, Crisje.

It is really a mess, there are human lice in it, that stuff comes from an attic, from a box, and a sensitive person does not like it.

There is a world, Crisje, for soul and spirit.

Even if people do not believe that yet, there is that world!

We now see two different expressions of feeling which people call love and are living these worlds now.

The world for soul and spirit, you have to fight for.

The other one you can buy.

And Jeus wants to crush that.

He takes everything from your life just like that; he comes to visit and demands, because the other life is in trouble.

And that is you yourself, Crisje!

Is it now so improbable that Jeus has all the angels on his side?

And that Trui will walk until she drops?

Is it not the case that the whole universe is laughing at her?

Right in her face, is not part of it now, because Trui does not have those eyes.

Despite everything, she feels some of it and that is her nervousness.

Did I not tell you in the past, Crisje, that a person cannot see his future?

Yet, life forces you to do it.

It is exactly this unprecedented life; it demands you to bow your head to the true love!

For some food and drink, Crisje, I said to you, after all, a mother sells herself and now a ‘temple’ like that is destroyed, the most powerful thing there is and which was created by Our Lord.

Now just put the money on the stairs and it will all be fine.

You will not get the big remainder anyway, that is from someone else or it is just not there at all and it belongs within your own reach and to this rotten society, Crisje.

Trui has not sold herself; did she not do it for money?

Perhaps for some food and drink and because she does not feel like working for it herself?

Oh, Crisje, do you not feel that this all means very little?

However, the universe thanks you, Crisje!

You are thanked, because you let the universe know that there is more than living on earth.

There is something else.

And Jeus fought for that, your Tall One went through the ground and you followed the Way of the Cross, which Our Lord respects, because these are the powers for which He and through which He began his journey to earth!

All that other nonsense, Crisje, hit Him on the cross, and Trui did not wish to carry that, not all those people and gave themselves away for that, as a gift is better and clearer.

Those children, Crisje, do not know yet what it means to fight for human happiness and love.

They do not know what it is.

And now Jeus is right about everything.

Yet when the time comes, you shall and must marry Hendrik Wageman, because it will be good for you later.

However, for Jeus it is a plug of tobacco in his soul.

Antoon van Bree would not be able to do this and when Jan Lemmekus hears it, he will also turn his back, because he knows all about it.

Now the following, Crisje.

That of yourself and the Tall One is a cosmic law.

But that of Trui is something else?

If you later understand these two souls a bit better, your life will think differently about it.

However, it will come, Crisje, do not throw mud at a bride, because it is you yourself ... and means, look into your miserable past and keep quiet.

And if you perhaps still do not know, this break between you and Jeus is exactly the same.

You would also have laughed at everyone if they had told you what is now happening.

True or not, and it all means: a person does not know himself!

Even if you think that you can accomplish everything, life can hit you in a way, which you have not yet dreamed of.

And now you do not go straight up a hill, but upwards upside down and backwards, therefore upwards in a zigzag way, crawling, panting, but you have everything to spare for that piece of work for your own life.

If you have food and drink, then love does not matter a jot to you.

If this consciousness lives in you and is present, because you know, you cannot look for it on earth.

If Jeus could understand this, we would have worked it out.

However, that will take a while yet, Crisje, but he must accept it or he will be destroyed.

If he had not been confronted with your past, he would have conquered it, of course, however, he is now fighting against laws of karma, against Baron von Steinhoven, your Hendrik Wageman, who got a hiding from you then, but now comes, in order to settle those bills, which you now know all about, also the Tall One, but not Jeus.

Trui does not know these matters either and it is none of her business.

She fought for her existence.

You fought for soul, love and spirit, for the pure and eternal unity of two people, as man and mother!

There is a child between these two, because this life is the propagation, Crisje, or we would be standing still, and life must go on!

This soul, Crisje, which now comes to you, has the right to it.

You can now know.

Follow Trui now and you will feel it, because you see the great difference of it before you and this is everything!

It is completely obvious, Crisje, you cannot cheat God and His universes for yourself, after all, sooner or later it will stand before you and you can bow to it.

If you had not followed any Stations of the Cross, if you did not have so much faith and were not so loving, the Tall One would never have reached you either.

It is because of this that uncle Gradus is not after Trui.

However, it is the good in her, Crisje, which feels, but what have I done?

It is the good core of your sister and you can be satisfied with it.

Aunt Trui, Jeus is in the woods.

He is hitting his body.

The nice machine has to be destroyed.

He is thinking about taking his own life.

Now nothing means anything to him anymore, nothing.

He has had his fill of it.

Jeus now wants to put you in a mess.

He will let you experience a wedding which you will enjoy.

When you drink your brandy tomorrow, you will smell the stench of a corpse, Trui, the misery of his life.

You will bleed, he says, and collapse from fear at the altar, because a corpse creates misfortune in your own family on such a day and is worse than unblessed statues.

You will experience your day, choking, it is all misery; this is Jeus’ opinion.

Just lash out, Jeus, just destroy that nice machine; however, people are not worth it.

He has lost the most loved thing in this world, and that would not be so bad if you had to bury it, but it has cheated him.

And that is bad!

He looks at a tree.

Drowning is better, if you splash into the water, your throat remains free, and you do not feel it.

Is drowning worse than hanging?

Hanging is a dirty thing.

No, drowning is better!

That hanging is so shocking, you swing like that and they would like that!

Jeus feels the quiet woods laughing.

The birds are asleep, a nice wind rustles through the trees and he also feels, all those things know what he now wants to do.

If only Fanny was here now, he feels, it would not happen.

Nevertheless, Fanny is no longer here and he knows for sure, he does not want anything to do with Fanny now.

And Casje can get the ‘droodles’.

Aunt Trui must have a horrible day, that is the only thing he wants.

Father must now see that there is another one at his table, it is terrible.

Uncle Gradus was a good man, but he is also forgotten and out of the picture, his family is so pathetic.

Suddenly he hears talking inside him again and he already knows who it is.

However, he can tell him another one.

Jeus lashes out with:

“Go to hell, you don’t know anything about my affairs anyway, ass!”

Casje laughs a bit, he laughs aloud, he must now hear him.

And Jeus responds:

“Do you have to laugh about this as well, nasty piece of work?”

Casje says to him, or, is that perhaps someone else?

“You can call me as many names as you like, I am not angry with you anyway, as long as you know.

But if you want to hang yourself, Jeus, or you want to drown yourself, that is enough to drive you mad.”

He has to admit that cursed man knows everything.

“You know, Casje, what I want to do?

What I have in mind?”

“Of course, I know that, or I would not have been able to talk about it.”

“Is that not understandable, Casje?”

“What must I say now, Jeus.

You are right, but your mother as well.

And a person does not commit suicide just like that.”

“What do you know about aunt Trui then, Casje?”

“Your aunt Trui is another person.

And she has nothing to do with this.

This is a matter between your mother and yourself.”

“So, did you think that.

But would you believe, that Our Lord is a gossip, Casje?”

Casje has to think, it is taking a bit too long for him, and he says:

“You are dumbfounded, aren’t you?

You cannot say anything to this.

What do you know about Our Lord?

Nothing!

Nothing, my boy.

You are a dirty shit.”

“I know everything, Jeus”, Casje says, “As long as you know.”

“Now, tell me what you think then.”

“That Our Lord has nothing to do with this.

And that is all!”

“What are you trying to tell me now?

That Our Lord has nothing to do with this?

And did you think that I believed that.

Now that other one will get everything for nothing.

Would Our Lord want that, Casje?

Now, say something!”

“You surely think that I do not know what to say now.

However, I will tell you and I told you that on the Emmerik road, I do not want anything to do with these matters.

I will get into trouble myself and I do not intend to.

And did you think that Our Lord wants to have anything to do with this mess if it already means nothing to me?”

Jeus stops to think.

Perhaps Casje is right.

Then what?

Casje continues:

“Leave Our Lord out of it, Jeus.

And if you want to kill yourself, then that is your own business.

I wouldn’t do it.”

“Why not?”

“That’s a good one, Jeus.

I also have my own life!

There are so many people in the world with whom I am involved.

Did you think that I would hang myself for one person?

For what?

After all, you cannot marry your own mother, can you?

Because that is what it is.

You are mad about that and about nothing else!

I tell you, it’s the worries!

Should your mother let the children perish?

Your mother has money worries, Jeus.”

“You are talking like you are my own father.”

“It looks like it, of course, but your father cannot talk any differently to me.

He would say exactly the same.”

He has to think again, and feels that his father is there.

But it is Casje who is talking.

However, Casje and the Tall One know that it is serious.

A real danger threatens.

They know that he will not climb his mountain alone but will throw himself off it later, and offer himself.

The Tall One has heard it said in his world: ‘Look, Hendrik, yonder there is work for you.

Your flesh and blood wants to put an end to it.

Quickly, run towards that life, Tall One, Jeus needs your protection, you now know how you can reach him.’

An hour later Jeus is standing in front of the gate of ‘Sint van Tie’n’, the man who once hung himself, and which people in the village know all about.

He wants to know something about that life and asks:

“I want to come to you.

Can you tell me, what the best thing for me is?

As long as you know, I have never had anything else in my life.”

He listens and the injection of the Tall One is already working.

“Did you also kill yourself as a result of worries?

And does it hurt much?

Why did you hang yourself?

Did you have trouble with your wife?

Did she perhaps cheat you?

I can understand that.

Then you felt it stab your heart, just like I do now, is that true?

Can you feel much pain by hanging, and is that worse than the pain inside?

Is hanging bad?

If you suffocate, is that bad?

Is a rope around your neck bad?

Is that worse than drowning yourself?”

He listens, but he does not get any answer.

Now he cannot think about everything which he experienced with his Fanny and José, that now means nothing for his life.

There is not a single trace of it left; the sorrow in his life dominates everything.

Is that little house empty?

Is there no one else there?

If only he was a Jew, then he could be buried here immediately, the Jewish graveyard is at the back.

But he does not want to become a Jew.

A pig?

No, they slaughter them and then aunt Trui can eat him as well.

No, and a dog is also nothing, you get more beatings from other people than you get food or you lie chained up day and night.

A dove perhaps?

No, all that courting is sickening to him.

That would also make you sick.

Where did Casje get to?

Immediately, Casje’s appears.

“Yes, Jeus, so, I just let you have a walk.

You were thinking to yourself.

No, there is nothing left here.

That man is now walking about.

He lay here for long enough.

Our Lord said to him, just come out now.”

“You are talking nonsense, Casje.

He is in the eternal flames.”

“You do not believe that yourself.

I heard you talk differently.

I tell you, he lay here and was screaming as well, he suffered such pain through his own hanging, as long as you know!”

“I forgot that, Casje.

I had too many worries on my mind.

But I understand you very well.”

“You had too many worries, that is true, but it’s the case.

If you do that, you can crawl into the ground with yourself.

With your full senses, because you cannot die.

You will feel that rope day and night around your neck, because you should not have done that for Our Lord, he did not give you life to destroy it.

He has his own way for it, as long as you believe it!”

“I understand, but I will not let myself be cheated.”

“You must decide that for yourself, it is not my affair.”

He thinks again and he wants to go back to the great matters of his youth.

However, there is something, which prevents him from going back.

He calmly considers his situation.

And descends deeper into his youth and this loses all power, the suicide must make way for other feelings.

Now he hears:

“If I was you, Jeus, I would do something completely different.

If you are dead here, you have nothing more to say either.

There is more going on here, isn’t there?”

“Of course, I know that.

Are you angry with me, Casje?”

“No, I would not get angry at anyone, they are all just children.”

“I am sorry, Casje, that I called you names like that.’

“I can imagine that, we all have our things.

We are still such pathetic souls, Jeus, such mites, just like poor dogs.”

“You are right, Casje.

I am a glutton.

No, that is not true.’

“That is all very well, Jeus, but if I was you I would go and play football.”

“That is true, Casje, did you already see me, did you already see me running with the ball?”

“Yes, of course, I thought then, he can become something.”

“Yes, I like playing football, Casje.

And also, even if I say so myself, I am good as well.”

“I know, but I have to take to my heels.

So I must be off quickly now.

I have a lot to do.

I have been kept back here for more than long enough.

All the best, Jeus.

Mesjoer!”

“Good day, Casje, mesjoer.”

“Greetings to your mother.”

“I will be damned if I do, Casje.”

“Suit yourself.

I am going now.”

Casje is gone and with him the Tall One.

Jeus does not know that, but this was a nice piece of work by the Tall One.

This violin, Tall One, had a nice sound.

You made a hole in his thoughts with playing, and reversed his inner life completely and then things were better.

Compliments from Our Lord, Tall One.

And now further!

This is an ‘orchid’ for Jeus, now Crisje as well!

He totters along the Grintweg again, and steps onto the Zutphen-Emmerik tram, but feels more knocked out than yesterday, but is thinking more sharply than months ago.

Aunt Trui is getting married, they may wish her luck; she can get the ‘droodles’ from him.

They are all invited, of course, but he does not want anything to do with her.

Johan brings him a roll and yet another note from Crisje.

‘Jeus, will you wish aunt Trui luck this evening?’

He laughs, he has to laugh at Crisje’s childishness.

But this day also passes.

When he walks up the Grintweg, he sees aunt Trui.

She begs him to come inside, but he flatly refuses.

Uncle Otto is sitting at the window and grimaces at him, which he feels.

Crisje gives him dinner and says:

“Here, Jeus, nice chicken soup, aunt Trui made it.

It is good for you.”

If only you hadn’t said this, Crisje.

Now you have spoiled everything, although he is starving to death, he lets his feelings be known.

“I do not want any soup from that dirty woman.”

It is the middle of the night when he wakens.

In the woods once again; the cold drives him homewards.

He seems to be frozen.

But his little legs quickly get used to it, his blood flow increases, first he takes his shoes off behind the house and then to sleep.

What Casje said is easy, but not so simple, after all.

Casje is right, why should he hang himself to a beam like that?

They would like that, how aunt Trui would laugh.

He cannot cry, but how many tears does a person really have in his ribs?

And how long must you cry before your tears run dry?

He would like to know that.

It is worthwhile, because you can stop beforehand, or of course, you will be dead immediately.

Weeping is dangerous; he feels, you can get all kinds of things from it.

It is true, he knows people, who were skin and bone, only through their sorrow and that cursed crying.

Can a person cry until his tears run dry?

And what happens then?

You hear it said: ‘that woman is crying herself to death, that man is crying himself to death’, but nothing happens.

When father was buried, mother almost cried herself to death, but it did not happen.

He can understand that now, because it was just nonsense!

Mother wept, but they were not real tears, that was cheating.

Or that man would not be here!

If you have rings under your eyes, that does not mean anything!

Those eyes have to be destroyed!

You can cry until you destroy your stomach and your heart and then you will go to hospital.

Not all those people cried.

It is stuff and nonsense; they are hypocrites, that crying means nothing.

He cannot sleep, but this is something completely different for his life.

You can talk about it later.

Did Our Lord also cry until his tears ran dry and he was destroyed?

No, Our Lord did not give His executioners any satisfaction.

But he understands that.

He cried inside.

Did mother therefore also cry inside?

No, mother would like that, but it did not work.

Now mother is still alive.

What does Our Lord say to tears?

If you have pain inside, you can cry, he continues.

That is the case, Crisje, Our Lord also lets people cry until their tears run dry.

Only afterwards does HE come to have a look and see if there are still tears.

If there are still tears in you, they have to go first and only then will you get an answer.

You can cry until your tears run dry about thousands of things.

Through hundreds of thousands of things people experience sorrow and they can cry.

But what is crying?

If you are hurt inside, you can cry.

Or another person insults you.

If you are hurt inside even more deeply and if you stand there right in front of it and see that a man takes away the children’s nice food from the table, because that same man enjoys it, you think you have to cry.

And if that happens more than once, you will also cry until your tears run dry and new misery begins.

And what would you say if you hear that your children have to call a man like that father?

If those same children do not possess the strength to kill that life, then there will be misery and pain, dirty pain, as a result of which you can experience nervous convulsions.

You cry, so that they can hear you at the bottom of the Grintweg and you are capable of crying until your tears run dry!

Good heavens, what kind of thoughts are these, anyway, Crisje.

Nevertheless, Crisje, each artist, who wishes to call himself an artist, cries until his tears run dry through his art.

He now has everything in his soul and happiness to give completely to that art.

You do that for all arts or you will achieve nothing, then the violin playing will remain screeching.

How many tears will you not have to shed for the true life?

A blow right in your face, Crisje, turns you to tears.

And if you cannot do this and do not want this, then the human machine will begin to complain, also to moan and you will probably get a stomach-ache, so bad, that you think that you have an ulcer.

Then just eat dry rice, perhaps it will help, and if that does not, you must just accept those pains.

You can now show what you want, what you can do, and who you are!

Human sorrow, Crisje, produces its own tears, but it is at the expense of the human machine.

If that takes too long, you get nervous convulsions, as I said.

You will shout and scream as if you are mad.

But, you can take care of yourself now.

If you can now cry it will recede, but usually those crazy tears now refuse to flow!

That, on top of everything else!

Crisje is not bothered by anything, she looks well and is beautiful.

Since her inner life is so beautiful, that great power radiates over her face.

It is a sparkling love, which you get from Crisje and is everything for Jeus and which another person now gets, just like that for nothing!

Upstairs there is someone lying on his bed thinking, downstairs there is another, and both do not cry.

It is mad, always strange again, people sometimes think about the same matters, and it is as if they force each other to think like that.

However, they do not know what it is.

Next door, the life snores and does not know anything about weeping.

It is as happy as anything.

But what is that?

There are two lying there who have eaten their full from the chicken soup, the bitters are working on a bit, and life is beautiful!

Here, downstairs and upstairs they are worrying, there is no question of crying, but these little machines are already breaking.

Jeus talks in his sleep, which overcame him after all, with Sint van Tie’n!

Crisje has also dozed off, but she is faced with her Tall Hendrik.

They are having their last walk in the Forecourt of Our Lord.

Half-conscious, for Crisje then, dreaming like that, she experiences this wonderful thing, or she would only cry about it and that must not happen now.

Jeus has already hung himself ten times in his sleep and he now knows for certain what the best thing is and which do not hurt so much.

That hanging yourself on a beam is bad!

Water is better.

It is like you are dreaming and you do not feel any pain and with all that water of the water course you cannot walk around, it will run away on its own.

If it must happen now anyway, then he will choose the water.

Letting yourself drop from a tree is not the way either, he felt that just a moment ago.

Then you are not so sure of your end then you are lying in a hospital; this came to him just now.

And he does not want anything to do with hospitals, he knows all about them; he has not yet recovered from Bernard’s accident.

That still eats at him so much, just like when it happened to Bernard.

In his sleep he follows his life, his thoughts and corrects everything.

Which happens of its own accord.

But he keeps wakening up with a fright.

When it is almost at that stage, then there is that fright.

And he has to accept that he is happy.

Fortunately, it has not come to that stage.

Yes, just a moment ago he was happy that he was still alive and then it was now time to crawl out of bed.

Ten minutes later, he is outside and on his way, straight to Emmerik, but it is a terrible time!

No, he will not kill himself!

They would like that.

And Tall One, you have killed off those feelings completely!

The feelings afterwards are usually the worst.

The soul can then still succumb, but when you haul that same soul through the stench of a corpse, with its nose right in it, Tall One, the life gets quite enough of it and the personality gets through.

It is like your own crawling through those graves.

There was no difference for Jeus.

Now he also knows what suicide means for the soul, the life, and himself, it makes him sick!

But, thanks.

You are learning an awful lot from Casje!

However, Crisje does not get a word from his life, Tall One, and that is sad.

Can that not be solved as well?

Try it, Tall One!

There is something else; do you not see his thoughts?

He is trembling and shaking for something.

Try to convince him that this is no longer possible.

Please.

Just let Casje help you with it.

The boys at the football field have to admit that his shot is improving.

They would like to know, because the ball is now that man who is sitting in the kitchen four times a week and whom he does not want anything to do with.

Even if Crisje nags him day and night to talk to her again, he does not do it.

He cannot!

And that is everything.

Because of this, he runs, he kicks, and he can now give everything to football and he is a champ!

But pickled herrings and raw carrots taste nice.

Crisje must not think that he is not eating enough; he is eating plenty!

Now mother must just see that she makes it, he is no longer needed there.

Now he thinks about everything, he trembles and shakes from it.

He saw that that man came home completely drunk.

And he saw that man couldn’t hold his drink.

He also saw that all that nice food flew through the kitchen.

His own father could not have done this; that is cursing God and Our Lord.

This is not a prayer before dinner, but asking the devil to visit, and he trembled and shook from it, but mother does not wish to believe it.

It refuses to leave him.

Even at the football pitch, these visions haunt him with all the misery of it!

He heard Crisje screaming, so badly, that your heart would break.

He has never heard anything like it; it is so bad.

All because of that man!

But what can he change about it, if mother does not wish to listen?

Mother fell to the ground unconscious and then she started to scream.

A doctor was called.

Yet, mother does not believe him.

Every morning on the way to Emmerik, in the tram or walking, he follows the screaming.

It refuses to leave him.

Suddenly, he feels something different.

Just imagine ... No, that is not possible, is it?

Yet, why would that not be possible?

He knows all about it.

There, Achter de Kom, children got another father.

And when there were more children, those different children got into arguments, but those arguments were because the mother put her own children first, which the husband did not want, but then knives were involved and people were killed.

He cannot bear thinking about it.

Just imagine that there were also strange children in their house!

He might murder those children, that man would not accept that, after all, would he?

My God, what kind of misery is that?

Is there not something else to think of?

No, that is bad!

He looks at space, at Our Lord above him, He must tell him.

That Lord of the church does not know.

Will there be children later?

No?

Just say.

He looks over the trees into space.

Will there be children?

If there are children, I will still drown myself.

I do not wish to see the children of that man.

‘No, there will be no children!’

It is something, which strengthens him.

But he is still not satisfied.

May you not hear that?

And a while later there comes to his life from space:

“No, Jeus, there will be no children!”

“Thanks”, he answers and now hops along.

It is a burden from his heart.

Life is good again for a while.

Even if he does not have everything, this was still the worst.

Hendrik Wageman is a good man, isn’t he?

He does not believe it, he is a sour puss!

He is almost fourteen years old and is standing on his own two feet.

The work in the factory is nothing more, and the only fun which he can experience for himself is taking part in sports as much as he can.

At home, he is out of the game, anyway.

One evening, after playing football, he runs into the woods again, the woods always attract him and whom don’t they attract?

All the boys run into the woods.

You can have a nice play there and that is for whippersnappers.

What is rustling there?

Who is it?

Oh, it is Betje van de Bulten.

That girl is lying just like that in the woods.

What does that girl want?

Betje is a bad apple.

Betje hangs about with boys.

This Betje is different to the Betje he used to go swimming with and through whom he was able to learn that boys were different from girls.

The girls are mothers, the boys fathers, but Betje had a mound!

And it is that mound!

People kill for that, but this is why Our Lord created people.

Now people can do it themselves.

But that is not worth anything, another one gets that just like that for nothing.

What does this Betje want from his life?

“Good day, Jeus.”

“What do you want with me?”

“But you are having a walk, aren’t you?”

“Yes, but what has it do with that?

Is it any of your business?”

Betje is lying there with her skirts lifted up.

Did he not know it?

Those women are all the same.

You can get those women for nothing.

Betje laughs nicely at him.

And Betje can already do that as if she is twenty.

Betje learned that and it is nothing much, you can do that yourself as well.

Betje is just fifteen and has already murdered a few children, he sees.

He looks through Betje’s life.

She is a dirty animal!

Does that sacred part no longer have any value?

This Betje is dirty.

Betje sums him up and asks him right in his face:

“Would you not like to just come over to me, Jeus?

Come, Jeus, then we will play at father and mother!”

He reacts quickly and harshly, when he utters: “Will you keep your drunken head quiet?”

And now it is Betje who reacts.

Betje is not afraid of him:

“Silly scaredy cat?”

He spits back, right in her face and throws at her: “You stink inside, drunken fool!”... and runs away from her life.

What a dirty brat she is.

Is he a country bumpkin then?

Is he a scaredy cat?

No, mother, but that child is dirty inside and he does not even know what he should do with her.

Even if he knows that he was born in mother and that his father had to give everything for it, he knows exactly where those things come from, but he does not have feelings for it in him, it is still dormant.

But what nice eyes this Betje has.

He should not have called her a dirty drunken animal, perhaps Betje cannot help it, and she has nice legs, after all.

But her clothes were dirty and stinking.

She does not wash herself, of course.

Still she is a dirty animal.

Nevertheless, Betje has a nice face.

Tonight he dreams a bit differently.

Betje now haunts his life and is better than those other thoughts.

You can live through this, Jeus; the other thing destroys you completely.

Therefore, carry on thinking!

And yes, he is already occupied.

But how nice a girl is.

Something completely different than he is himself.

A girl is nicer than a man.

When he has to be born again, he will ask Our Lord if he can be born as a girl now; then he will do it differently than mother now does.

He would then throw the man out the door and he would not get everything from him for nothing, that on top of everything else.

He will just show those women how it must be done.

He will not like a man who is just talk.

Did you think that he would follow a man like that?

That a man like that would get everything from him for nothing?

That man would like that!

But is he a scaredy cat?

Betje destroyed her calves, he saw that inside her.

That was as clear as anything.

He saw all the children.

It was two boys and a girl.

Poor Betje!

No wonder that she is known as mad on boys.

Betje would have liked to have had him, of course, but did you think that, Betje?

Did you think that I would buy a pig in a poke?

Was that girl leering after him?

Probably, because otherwise she would not have been lying there.

What is Betje doing now?

Also thinking, also sleeping?

To possess a girl is like a paradise.

However, Betje is not that.

Betje is not a Crisje.

When he looks for a wife, that girl must be like Crisje.

Mother is sweet and soft.

And he cannot stand snapping, that Betje snaps.

A man is destroyed through that snapping.

Mother never snaps.

He now suddenly knows that he will continue to love Crisje.

You must not kill people if they do something wrong, that is not allowed.

He loves mother so much that he can forgive her everything.

And Our Lord wants that as well.

It is a pity that Betje is so dirty.

Did you see that face?

It was nice.

Did you see those little feet?

Did you see that black hair as well?

Did you see those nice, but naughty little eyes?

Did you see those little lips, which people use to kiss?

What is kissing?

Why do they do that?

They do that because inside they have something to say, but they do that now on their lips.

‘Give me a kiss.’

No, he does not want a kiss from Betje.

However, mother is sweet, mother is soft.

It is a pity that mother does not see what will happen.

But because Betje can breed he would like to have her.

Hent van de Rooie said that he could not have any children and that he could not believe it.

Betje can have children.

And because she can have children, you will not have those worries later either, that is also painful, Hent said,

you walk about with it day and night, but they do not come.

Why do people sometimes have so many children, some mothers do, and others do not have any, not one single one?

Why is that?

Mother had six boys and Miets.

Aunt Trui had none.

But Betje can breed.

If he gets a girlfriend later, that girl will be a heaven on earth for him.

He already knows that now.

Then he will be father and she mother.

But there will be no men visiting.

He will then build a heaven for her just as father did for mother.

This man cannot do that.

The ground will then be too hard on which she walks and he will always be nice to her.

She to him as well!

Is he a scaredy cat?

He feels that he is not a scaredy cat, but that he does not want anything to do with Betje.

Betje is so fast.

She gives everything away just like that.

Just like aunt Trui does with uncle Otto.

But mother, what are you doing, anyway?

Betje is black inside, has dirty thoughts and Our Lord does not want that.

The boys are dreaming.

He is lying awake and thinking.

Who is coming up the stairs there?

It is Crisje.

Mother comes to ask him whether he wishes to talk again, but he cannot.

“Jeus, talk to me.”

Not a word.

“Jeus, I cannot take this anymore.”

No answer.

“Jeus, you are not sleeping.

I know that you are awake.”

Not a word.

“Jeus, do you want to have me in the grave then?”

That is too much.

Now he forces everything inside him upwards and says:

“It is your own fault, mother.”

“Jeus, talk to me, otherwise I will die.”

He cannot talk.

Crisje goes downstairs and she has to get married in a few days time.

She is crying, poor Crisje.

She has not wept like that for a long time.

In the morning not a word either.

Crisje can no longer bear that, but he cannot do anything about it, something refuses inside.

He comes to Jan Lemmekus for a moment and he asks him about all his experiences, Jan gets to hear that he does not want anything more to do with those matters.

There is now a lump in his life, not in his throat, but it is even deeper and that is much worse.

A few days later Crisje crawls up the stairs again.

What used to mean a mercy, is now a curse for his life.

If you held mother’s hand, it was a blessing.

Now you tremble from it.

He does not want to feel any of it, it now hurts you.

Crisje can go back again with nothing in her heart.

He cannot talk.

Five days later she is lying in front of his bed again and begs him to talk.

“Jeus, I cannot do it any longer.

Another few days and then I must marry.

You are destroying me, Jeus.

Do you want me to die then?

Will you talk to me, Jeus?”

“No, no, I cannot talk.”

Crisje looks him in the eye.

In the darkness it does not hurt so much.

Then Crisje’s eyes reach his heart.

Something starts to happen inside.

Warmth returns to his life.

Mother kisses him in her thoughts and the lump in his throat cannot compete.

He can suddenly breathe more easily.

Crisje lays her ‘orchids’ at his feet, under his heart, in his eyes and they are for his life.

He gets all her love tonight.

How nice mother is.

Mother is divine.

Mother is an angel.

Now Crisje also gets his nice thoughts back.

Suddenly, they throw their arms around each other.

They cannot miss each other.

Our Lord is there and the Tall One, Casje and José, Fanny as well!

In their thoughts, they fly away from the earth, back, to the Forecourt of Our Lord.

They experience the silence of this sacred world and then something else happens, he is crying!

He is crying loudly, Crisje is also crying, as a result of which their hearts relax.

He sees Crisje dressed in a nice garment.

And now he hears Crisje say:

“How strong you have become, Jeus.

You are almost crushing me to death.”

“Yes, mother, I can crush you to death.

Just like father could do that.”

They feel their mighty love returned; mother and child are completely as one again.

Crisje feels anxious and says:

“You may not love me so much, Jeus.

Our Lord comes first, did you not know that?”

“Yes, mother.”

“Is it okay again between us, Jeus?”

“Yes, mother, but I will not call him father.”

Crisje does not wish to discuss that now.

That is an entirely different story.

She kisses him goodnight.

She can sleep again; she walks downstairs, as if on a bed of roses, like a countess.

Well done, Tall Hendrik, this playing was great.

You are certainly playing a different violin.

You know how to experience your task there.

You are doing good work!

By taking him into Betje, you managed to accomplish this work of art.

Since he started to feel human love for a moment, that dirty lump in his soul disappeared or his life would have remained completely smothered to this, and you would have needed a psychiatrist.

It is wonderful.

You stayed nice and far away, but you were also close to your great love.

Now everything will be okay, Tall One!

You now know how a person of the earth can experience revelations.

It was great, Tall One!

Soon you will get other tasks and then they will also need you here.

Just get ready.

Jeus has already dealt with the visions and they struck home.

The real ones are there.

Just thank Casje.

Crisje is now getting ready.

She is going to meet her future.

How will it be?

Jeus is talking again.

They have each other back, he will support her in everything.

Crisje will now also experience that he will not leave her alone.

However, another life is coming between them.

Jeus has understood that he must help his mother.

He will help her to bear it.

Everything together!

It is meant to be like this and that is also the case!

However, Hendrik Wageman will tame this life.

There are the hostile feelings, he has laid the foundations for it himself, but that was only for his mother.

They must soon live with each other?

When Crisje also asks him not to leave her alone that day, she gets to hear:

“I must first think about it, mother”, and she knows.

A person makes a mess, the war which has broken out does it even better, but people are people and they destroy themselves.

Now you have to learn precisely not to do that and he has now learned.

Tomorrow, mother will get married.

And he?

Jeus knows, he will go to work.

He does not want to succumb in the church.

No, not everything, Crisje, you could also ask too much and then you will go to the heart.

Be satisfied, Crisje.

However, the future will prove whether he is right.

The visions came from a source, which is love, and means, forewarned is forearmed.

If you allow your brains to work.

And Jeus will prove that to you!

He does not want to hang on a beam and Betje is dirty inside, but she is also a child of Our Lord.

Poor Betje, why could you not just wait?

That is also certainly the future!