No, Mother, I will not stay at home today for all the money in the world
The old Frisian clock has struck three times.
Crisje gets out of bed in the middle of her first sleep, goes upstairs in order to steal a chance for the last time to keep him home today.
He may not leave her alone today; she will succumb.
Now that she is standing in front of his bed, she sees that he is sleeping, but downstairs she felt that, like her, he could not sleep.
It is strange, she sees, she looks at his face and follows her life with Jeus in her thoughts.
Through this life, she could fly before he was born.
She was in the Forecourt of Our Lord with this life and experienced a paradise.
She knows his personality is now different for her life, she is missing something, and it is exactly that through which she experienced her inner contact.
Even if he was in Emmerik, she used to be able to talk to his life, now she has to follow the material way in order to experience this unity.
She has closed herself off to his life, she knows, because she is getting married to Hendrik Wageman.
The universal certainty has gone; another person, without feeling, is standing between them and will soon get everything.
It is terrible, because it is raining now, it is cold and terribly poor, but she has to get through it.
Jeus, she calls to herself, waken up.
Now that she adjusts to his inner machine, the day-consciousness comes back and looks her in the eye again.
Crisje asks:
“Jeus, but my Jeus, do not leave me alone today.”
“No, mother, I will not stay at home today for all the money in the world.”
She now knows.
There is nothing more to say; he will not do it.
She goes back downstairs.
But does mother not fall?
Does nothing happen to mother?
No, mother is downstairs.
Does mother not go through her knees?
Thank God, the time has come.
No, it is impossible; he would not be able to experience it.
He would call Father all kinds of terrible names, and that must not happen.
People would just laugh, and that must not happen either, and he does not want Hendrik Wageman to have any fun, he would like that.
He is soon asleep again.
In the morning, they do not talk.
He does not dare to look at Crisje.
Nevertheless, her eyes follow him and that hurts inside.
He must quickly see that he leaves.
It is sickening, mother, but I cannot stay at home.
I have had such horrible dreams.
I want to go.
And he disappears alone.
The others have a day off.
He softly utters:
“Goodbye, mother.”
‘Goodbye, Jeus’ ... but Crisje says that to herself.
Her life and her love has left.
She thinks back to years ago, when she worked out for herself, after all, that he was starting to love her too much, and she should have put a stop to it then, now it is too late.
She feels, it is dangerous, oh, so dangerous, if that is taken away from you, you will suffocate from sorrow.
What should she have done?
He runs down the Grintweg.
In the doorway of Crisje’s brother, the tailor, he suddenly stops.
They will not go to the wedding, of course, because that will cost them a present.
These people, he knows from Bernard, live completely for themselves.
Everything is for the curly head, their only child, who was hit from the tailor’s table by Bernard.
He can understand that, there is no feeling in that head, that head of his has no brains.
Here he always gets a biscuit of eleven cents a kilo.
Fanny did not like them.
And if you come here six months later, you will get a biscuit like that again from the same box.
He could trample that thing.
Bernard was also bothered greatly by that human meanness.
He would not let them make a suit for him; they would like that, not for me!
However, this uncle is not bad, only the aunt, she always shouted at you, that little thing was full of herself.
‘Can you pray?’
‘Say thank you, aunt!’
But there will be no more children in our house!
No, no more children.
That is the worst thing there is.
With greetings to little Gerrit, he tears himself away from the family who never comes to the Grintweg.
Just give me the sultan.
The sultan is a good man.
You can at least talk to the sultan.
That man understands everything.
But it is chilly this morning.
Johan and Bernard are at home.
Not him!
Johan does not know why he wants to work even though Johan is four years older than he is.
Johan does not have a brain!
He can forgive Bernard everything, but not Johan!
Bernard was beaten enough and sufficiently, not Johan!
He laughs and laughs today as well; not Bernard, inside, Bernard is furious, he knows that, but what can you do about it?
Nothing!
Not a thing, Bernard!
Around eleven o’clock his insides start to tickle.
Now mother is ready to get married.
They are now walking down the Grintweg.
He wraps butter and thinks, but he sees them, one by one he can follow them.
Uncle Otto, Jan and Marie are also there.
Just look at that Jan, just like a scarecrow.
But he is a good man.
Not Marie, she is an elbower.
She twists the truth; she cannot stand mother.
She gossips, because mother took Hendrik away from her.
That is a jealous one!
He must also watch out for that life.
Now they are all at Jan Hieltjes.
Just look at mother walking!
Mother is beautiful!
No one can walk like mother.
It happens so ... calmly, so surely ... no, if he tunes into mother’s knees, they are trembling.
With a steadfast willpower, mother keeps herself upright.
Is father not there?
Can father not help mother now?
It’s quite something.
No, he will never marry for a second time.
That is worse than being buried.
Now you are standing next to a corpse and a living person, but the corpse follows you, you see that and you feel it from everything.
If that corpse does not understand it properly, there will be arguments.
However, father understands it; of course, father can understand that!
Now they are almost at the church.
See how the people are looking.
Johan and Bernard, Hendrik and Gerrit are there as well.
Not him!
Johan laughs, his mother is having a feast.
Bernard kicks lumps out of the ground, his wooden leg refuses to work today, he cannot move it forwards.
Little Gerrit is making fun and Hendrik does not know, but they are all getting a new father.
Another father, a father whom you really have nothing to do with.
That should not be allowed!
If he had his say, a thing like that would no longer happen.
It is stupid for the children!
That man will get his chair, his table; and now he has nothing more to say about Teun and Miets.
Nothing ... that man will take everything in his hands and that for thirty guilders.
What a lot you can buy for that dirty money.
That man is now buying everything!
And he thought that his mother could not be bought for all the money in the world.
And yet mother can be bought, mother has been sold, mother is now ...!
“Good day, father!”
Suddenly the Tall One is standing next to him.
“Good day, Jeus.”
“Do I have to call him father?”
“You must decide for yourself, Jeus.”
“But I cannot say father to him, if you are my father?”
“That is true, but you must decide for yourself, Jeus.”
“Are you taking care of mother now, father?”
“Of course, otherwise I wouldn’t be here, would I?”
“I can understand that, father.”
“And now, Jeus, all the best.
You should think like this.
I am still here as well!”
“Of course, father, otherwise I would have said something else to him.”
“Good day, Jeus.”
“Good day, father.
Just see that you get there quickly.
They are already sitting in the church, father.”
“I know, I am already leaving.”
And now to work, father is there.
He does not have to worry, father is there!
The people are leaving the church, he sees; mother now belongs to Hendrik Wageman.
Mother can no longer get rid of this man.
When he comes home soon, that man will be there as well.
They must eat, drink, and sleep under one roof.
Fortunately, he sleeps in the attic.
It doesn’t bear thinking about.
This day is bad for mother.
This day, only this day, it haunts him.
Only this day is bad, it goes on for some half an hour and then he knows it immediately.
He will then make sure of that, but in his way.
Only this day, Jeus, this is the worst.
This one gets you, breaks you, this one is something terrible.
As long as you get through this day, then it will be okay.
But this day is horrible!
Your whole body trembles.
You would like to run away, but you cannot do that, you are married.
You must meet your obligations, your word is yes and not no!
This day is dreadful!
“Of course”, he utters, “of course, I can understand, mother!
But you can count on me.”
Where do those thoughts come from?
They are there and they tell him that this day is something really terrible.
Do Johan and Bernard not feel that?
Probably not, but he has felt it, he has experienced it, it is bad!
It is bad, Crisje, but you can count on me!
The factory empties and now homewards.
Take your time, there is plenty of time.
They must not see him home too early now.
But his legs want to walk and he has to go with his legs.
He is standing in the Grintweg.
And people are looking, they have missed him.
A house full of people and those people are drinking.
Of course from his money, if you have money, you can make everything dance, but now mother is dancing for another.
What does Hendrik Wageman want from him; is that life already looking for an argument now?
“Do you want some nice food, Jeus?” Crisje receives him lovingly.
“Yes, mother, yes, please, mother.”
Crisje gives him tasty soup, but now that he wants to begin, Hendrik Wageman is standing in front of him.
The man, he sees, has had a drink.
Crisje looks anxious and Hendrik pours two drinks.
What does that man want?
Jeus has to drink to his health and his mother’s health.
He has never drunk jenever; his father would have given him what for!
Now that must happen?
Crisje says to Wageman:
“But Hendrik, Jeus has never drunk jenever before.”
Hendrik Wageman has a very different opinion.
He looks the Tall One’s child in the eye and says:
“You will drink to the health of your mother and myself with me.”
The big man holds a glass in front of his nose; he does not know what he must do.
Crisje begs him just to do it or there will be the devil to pay.
In God’s name, do it, Jeus ... there comes to his life from Crisje.
Wageman immediately follows with:
“And will you call me father?”
Within a few seconds, he knows what Crisje wants.
Then just say ‘cheers’ and afterwards, the ‘droodles’!
However, he cannot get that ‘father’ over his lips.
Crisje begs him again: just say it, what does it matter to you, Jeus.
Now Jeus utters:
“Cheers, father.”
He puts down the glass, Crisje takes away the jenever, and he may eat.
Is that man satisfied now?
No, that man knows exactly what he thinks about it.
But the ‘droodles’!
The tension has gone, suddenly silence reigns yonder, now the men are talking again, they also know what battle went on and will still go on.
A man against a boy of fourteen years, he will always win.
And if I were that man, I would hit that boy from the table.
If I were that man, I would put that boy over my knee.
If I were that man, I would have left Crisje with all her boys to her own devices.
If I was that man, I would go to Paris for a haircut and I would not stay for a second longer in this dump, but yes, a person is just a person.
No rifles were cocked, but the revolvers were loaded.
Hendrik pulled them out; he has not yet forgotten that boy.
Now that boy can tell him more.
Did that same boy want him out the door?
Now he is the boss here!
After the soup, he runs into the woods.
Crisje’s begging him to stay at home is ignored, he does not hear her.
Once in the woods the thoughts return to him of this day, which is almost over, but of which the worst is still to come.
He does not know any more in what he lives, he does not feel either that there is something the matter with him.
He will never get to know where these feelings came from, but they are there!
And he knows he will help mother; he will not leave her alone.
He does not experience the time that he is in the woods, but he is still thinking, he is looking for a firm stick.
And now that he has got hold of a firm piece of wood like that – he feels that the people are now gone – it is also time for him.
Yes, the people have gone.
Everyone is in bed.
Also, mother.
And he must be there.
What Crisje now sees, she did not want.
Whatever is the matter with him, he seems furious.
He jumps on top of the little table and says to Hendrik Wageman:
“Try touching my mother if you dare.
Then I will beat you to death.”
Crisje sees that there is fire coming from his eyes.
Wageman also sees it.
The man does not dare to move, this is not a child, not a boy any more, this is a devil.
Wageman is afraid of such an opponent.
Crisje does not know, this is really terrible!
My God, what can I do with Jeus.
She sees real fire in his eyes.
Armed with his club, he is now holding watch, he does not close an eye, but he sees that Wageman is listening to him.
The man falls asleep, the brandies make sure of that, he watches out for Crisje.
Hour after hour goes by, the cockerels are already crowing, but he keeps watch!
The man does not dare to lift a finger, the life is snoring, and nothing else is necessary either!
He has to laugh heartily at that life.
Crisje does not dare say anything either, now and again she has a peek into his eyes from under the blankets, but she feels that this is not Jeus.
Who is it?
What is it?
This is not human!
And yet?
Good Lord!
This night, was the worst for her.
And now action has been taken.
Is this from a higher power?
She cannot think about it.
She had not counted on this.
She has opened her ‘temple’, but now a watchman has come, a help, who looks whether there is anyone there, who has muck on his shoes.
And that man is not allowed in yet.
It is as if it is the case!
Crisje thinks, Jeus is under a strange power.
But she does not react.
In Jeus, the feeling came to watch over his mother’s ‘temple’.
When this night is over, nothing else can happen.
He feels consciously, Crisje’s ‘temple’ may not be sullied tonight.
Tomorrow night is already old.
But not today!
Today is really terrible, today he has to watch, tomorrow Crisje must take care of herself.
Crisje now knows.
This was the worst thing!
Why, she does not realize; but the Tall One lives in this little room.
The children were born in this bed!
Love and suffering live in this area, it is immeasurable.
She would have preferred to start afresh, but there is no money for that.
And that’s it!
This was in her throat, even if she thought that she had conquered everything, this remained, and now Jeus has helped her?
She now also sees, it is as if there is a halo around his head!
Jeus lives under a power and this is not from the devil, it could be Our Lord.
It is those sixteen Stations of the Cross!
Crisje experienced Golgotha at that time.
Now she receives the flowers.
It is a great happiness, but Hendrik Wageman must not know.
Thank God, the man is sleeping, the man is afraid, but where must this ship strand?
Crisje is thinking.
She is praying!
She is thanking God!
She did not think of help, but that help came.
It is Jeus!
But my God, what kind of a soul is Jeus anyway!
What does this child live for?
Where do these thoughts and feelings come from?
Jeus is ancient.
Jeus is a man!
Jeus is also a child!
`The Lord’s Prayer is sent into the universe one after another.
Our Lord will receive those prayers.
The Tall One is not there, Crisje senses.
Or is he, after all?
Now she can think!
First Johan came into this world.
Next was Bernard.
Then Jeus, my God, how I must thank You!
This is a miracle!
This is much more!
This is more than a miracle, because this has nothing more to do with people.
This is a mercy!
Is this a miracle?
This is like the people experienced in Lourdes.
Holy Mary, pray for us!
Tower of David, pray for me!
Arc of the Covenant, I cannot thank you enough.
Holy Mary and Joseph, will you give my greetings to Our Lord?
She hears the children crying again, they come into the world one by one and for the man next to her, she now feels nothing.
What is Casje doing here, Jeus thinks?
What does he have to do with mother?
Casje gets to hear:
“I thought that you did not want anything to do with this?
Will you get the hell out of here?”
Casje disappears.
Father is not there, just as well, because father would just be annoyed.
It is a lot for a father.
Jeus hears banging up in the attic and in the box bed.
It was Johan who is now standing right in front of him, he hesitates.
Then runs out the door.
A while later aunt Trui is standing before him and pulls him out of the bedroom.
Is that not something?
He does not need to get dressed, when the house is upside down, he will be gone.
And now they can talk.
Trui thinks it is terrible; she gives Otto’s Hendrik a good talking to.
“Do you let yourself be cheated by a whippersnapper like that?
Are you a man?
Have you gone mad?”
Otto also gives his brother a hiding.
The pros and cons are weighed up; Jeus was possessed by a devil.
But Otto, can you believe it, thinks that this boy has character.
Otto really has to grin about it, but Trui does not approve.
They cannot talk about it enough, today has become tomorrow for Crisje and Jeus!
Now nothing more can happen, nothing!
Life is rough and harsh, but sometimes you get a precious gift from life and that gift comes straight from heaven.
Even if Trui complains terribly, she must admit that it is something special.
Who would have thought about that.
For heaven’s sake, do not talk to people about it or the people will laugh at you as well.
Hendrik Wageman does not want to hear anything about it; he has slept well and that is also something.
And today Hendrik got married, or was that yesterday, last week he believes, but he is now married to a woman with seven children, six strong boys, and one girl.
Who would do the same?
No one!
Hendrik gets to hear from Trui that he is a dope, but what is a dope actually?
Look at yourself.
No matter how much they think and shout, the first day has gone!
And you cannot experience that day again, it is gone!
It is a scandal, but that day is destroyed!
You can decide for yourself what you make of it, you will never get that day back!
Never ever, Jeus has beaten that day to smithereens.
Can you believe it, but it is the sacred truth.
Otto feels for Jeus, and has talked with him in the past.
Jeus is the sharpest of them all.
You can talk to him as if to yourself, that boy understands everything.
That Hendrik as well?
Otto laughs to himself, he knows life, but this is something new!
That there will be trouble this evening is quite likely but that does not matter.
Crisje asks Wageman:
“Will you forgive Jeus for that, Hendrik?”
Wageman does not say anything, but a moment later he utters: “I will wring his neck”, and then Crisje knows.
It will be miserable.
Jeus shuffles towards the house, he is not afraid, but when he is standing on the threshold, he suddenly races into the woods.
It is there that he changes his mind, is he a scaredy cat?
No, he runs back, straight to his new father and says right to his face:
“Just beat me to death now, father.”
Well, Hendrik, just fire away with your revolver.
Whether you enjoy it is an entirely different matter.
However, if you now allow your brain to work, follow your feelings, listen to Crisje; then you will have a good friend in Jeus.
The Tall One would have given him a treat, wouldn’t he; this is men’s work, but you are not the Tall One.
Yet, hundreds of men would have changed their minds, and they would have given Jeus an honest chance.
What will you do now, Wageman?
Crisje sees it coming as Hendrik immediately follows with:
“Here you go then, because you asked me so honestly.”
Jeus is kicked and falls to the floor.
He rolls, through the invisible Tall One who is sitting there on a chair, and registers the hour.
The blow struck home as well, his boy flies against the wall, but when Wageman wants to give him another kick, he has disappeared.
For the universe this is all laid down, Casje is also there, it goes straight to the ‘universal judges’, Wageman, they will figure it out there.
It is a pity, but what is a pity?
Jeus runs into the woods again.
He meant it well.
Crisje hears him say: “That is a pity, I meant it, father, but you do not want it any differently.”
And that is the case!
But all life will change, Crisje, also Wageman and only then will there be understanding.
Although the rights belong to his life, the true life has every say here, and people are faced with the universal law and may bow to it.
Crisje can say from the bottom of her heart: ‘Hendrik, I am through it, from where those powers come to me, I do not know, but Our Lord has to do with them.
True or not, and now carry on!’
Of course, she now sends up her most sacred prayers.
And Jeus is like his father was, he has everything of Crisje and the Tall One, in his soul there is satisfaction, it is happiness, but what purpose did all of this serve?
Is this satisfaction?
No, of course not, this is nothing!
His life forgets it.
In the woods he gives Fanny, who is no longer here, his blessing, but will know everything there.
Father gets his thoughts, also uncle Gradus, Jeus follows them one by one and when that is over, he can sleep peacefully, his household must now die, he has nothing more to say at home, has no significance there any more, has he?
The future will decide that and that will come, the first phenomena were already there.
Betje van de Bulten can breed, it is a pity that she is so dirty inside, that is a pity.
Mother is sacred, mother will remain sacred, good heavens, how nice life is, if you only understand life, then everything is very much alive, but the blow struck home.
If only father was here, then he could have discussed everything with father, this father does not want to talk, this one does not want to understand you and that is also a pity.
Was that guts now?
What does Bernard say?
What does Johan say?
Is this guts, father?
Mother, is this guts?
Was I a scaredy cat?
No, why did that man not beat me to death?
He has to laugh about it, and then he would have been with Fanny and with José, but that man did not dare to beat him to death, that man was too afraid for that.
Is that the case, mother?
Father?
José?
Am I afraid?
No, I am not afraid, he may beat me to death!
The last rays of the day’s sun now say good night to him.
Is mother calling?
He runs back ... when he is standing in the kitchen, mother and father are sitting with a brandy.
He looks Wageman in the eye again and asks:
“Father, why did you not beat me to pulp then?”
Is that provocation, Jeus?
No, you give him everything.
Hendrik Wageman has to think for a moment and then he says:
“No, I do not want to go to prison for you.
I will not do anything to you now, but we will talk to each other today or tomorrow.”
Crisje trembles, but nothing happens.
He does not climb up the stairs now either, he runs through the life, and that life has all kinds of things to tell him.
But he was back in the kitchen and no one does anything to him.
Now carry on, life can tell him more.
Crisje is thinking.
The hour for going to bed is calling irrevocably.
Today has become yesterday and belongs to the past.
A new life is starting.
The children have a new father, he has lost his chair and his rights, but that does not matter anymore, he knows why this all came about.
The land lease is there now, mother will get other clothes, the children as well, and the debts will be paid.
What do you want?
Nothing else; he can now play sports and prepare himself for life.
Is there anything else?
Would Betje van de Bulten still call him a scaredy cat?
No, but he does not want anything to do with that child.
Jan and Anneke will get to speak to him as well, but he does not know anything more about those earlier things, the actual material things dominate the other part, why this all had to happen, Jeus does not think of it, he has left it, he is now himself completely, the Jeus of his mother ... Crisje!
Jeus thinks about everything.
When it is dark, you can think properly.
He thinks until three o’clock, he follows everything, he realizes that the misery has been solved, and that he will call him father.
Now he must give into everything, he can also follow the future and it is now a case of waiting for it, but what will happen?
All those matters are now shadows, he experiences them, but they fly away from his life, it does not touch his soul, because they have already been experienced through the consciousness.
And Crisje was given that as a gift from the universe; was that perhaps otherwise?
Human souls are precious ‘orchids’.
Tall One, do you now know better?
Can you take these situations to the universal analysis?
The worries have gone, now higher up, now to De Bruin where Johan was, because girls and boys work there and there is something to see there.
His coffin will also go into the ground.
Johan has said goodbye to the heavy work, he is now working for Nico Poep in the glue and it is an entirely differently matter.
Jan thinks: when will there be phenomena?
Jan Lemmekus senses that the life will reveal itself, but he does not know anything about this, only Crisje, Wageman, he, aunt Trui, uncle Otto, and Johan know, once all of this humanity, to follow the good things or the wrong things about it and then to build up their own opinion.
One thing is certain ... everything is love ... millions died for this love, millions of children of one Father were burnt at the stake and HE came to earth, because this Love will continue into eternity, will not die, because these feelings serve!
The human machine of Jeus is operating really well, numerous screws were turned, nothing has been renewed, because all those things only begin to wear at the age of thirty-eight, even if you can still use them for many things, however, that is the moment when a person has to accept the descent, the way to the ‘coffin’, it is the release for everyone of this human machine in order to continue further elsewhere or to come back to earth to make up for something, which we were now able to get to know through these circumstances.
Who can bow to the universal laws?
That is a great person, Crisje, she, the Tall One and Jeus were able to do that!
Wageman still has to start!
Decide that now for your own life!
It is a pity, he meant so well, Wageman, but the inner side of yourself will also waken as a result of it.
We are concerned with Our Lord, also the angels ... what is there to learn?
There is something to learn here, a lot even, in order to attract that one thing to your life, it is probably a foundation or perhaps an ‘orchid’ for later!
Jeus, thank you!
You do not hate!
You have proved that!
From many people, greetings!
