My marriage

We floated on through the night.
When we stopped, we were in front of the house where I had lived during my married years.
I now feel I am Jack, but now at this stage of my life, it is Theo who is dominant.
I follow father into my house.
Then my whole married life unfolds before me and once again I experience all the expectations, disappointments and bitterness of those years.
Father connects me to my wife.
And by descending inside her like this, it is confirmed to me what I already had to accept at the time: inside her there is not a single spark of love for me, there is only cold and emptiness there.
This is why our souls could not reach unity, and disharmony and misunderstanding could not fail to come into our lives.
Father shows me why we entered into a union, despite this.
I had things to make up to my wife.
In one of our lives I had destroyed her.
As a result of this the laws of cause and effect came into play.
They placed me next to her once again.
I was making it up to her every day.
I cared for her, I gave her presents, showered her with love and kind-heartedness.
For every harsh word from her I gave flowers.
Nothing was too much for me to counteract her harshness with joy and understanding.
However, nothing helps me, our souls do not touch each other and, in spite of my continual attempts remain closed.
However, it becomes unbearable when Annie notices that I read books which are the work of the devil in her eyes.
I can now see who encouraged me to read them.
It was father.
He worked on me and elevated the longing for wisdom, which lives in me, so that I grabbed one good spiritual book after another and absorbed them.
I thirst for knowledge, I long for wisdom.
And can that still sound strange?
Since I know that Jack lives in me, is part of my personality, I understand this fanatical leaning towards knowledge.
It was Jack who wanted to know, who desperately longed to know about life, death, humanity and the soul.
Feelings of gratitude go out from me to father, because he has connected me to Jack.
This is why he first showed me a life, which was experienced hundreds of years ago, because without this knowledge I would not have understood my life as Theo.
A soul longs for knowledge, restlessly, life after life, tries to find out about the laws, which rule humanity and the universe,God in His omnipotence offers His child the possibility for this and a stupid, conceited being, which calls itself a spiritual shepherd, makes this soul out to be a satan!
After Annie and her parents had tried in vain to keep me from reading the books, they sent a minister to visit me to bring me to better thoughts.
During this visit, this messenger of God, as he called himself, flung it in my face that I was a satan, who would certainly get his just deserts .
All of this was because I could not and would not accept his God of damnation ...
I now get an image of all those people, I read into their emotions, see their actions and in this way I can make comparisons.
They are on one side, on the side beyond are father and Angelica.
What huge differences are now revealed.
These comparisons which I make for myself, but also for you, reader, who wish to listen to me in order to learn and enrich yourself spiritually with my experiences, which is the aim of the masters, after all.
Life with Annie becomes a hell.
She walks around the house looking sombre, she does not say a word.
Her eyes are cold and hostile.
She hates me because my books are contradictory to her views.
Father lets me feel that she is not yet ready for the love of one person for another.
She loves her little room which she polishes and cleans with care and devotion until it gleams.
However, she is not yet ready to love a person.
Neither is she ready for the spiritual life, she thinks and feels in an earthly manner, exclusively in an earthly manner.
She prays, of course, but her prayers do not reach any higher than the ceiling of the house, she mumbles words, however she is not behind them with her whole heart and soul, so the words do not live and they cannot climb.
This is the way it is with her faith, her heart is not a part of it, it is not real, but cold and barren.
Where will she be now, I wonder, and where and when will I meet her again?
Will she still be living in Arnhem or in Rotterdam?
When I see her again, I will perhaps feel her more clearly.
I also wonder what place she will enter when her life on earth is over.
Will it be the first sphere?
I would like that, how much I would like that!
But how did her emotional life on earth unfold?
Did she give love?
What did she make of her marriage?
Did she not destroy my life?
And is it not our emotions, is it not the degree of love which indicates our place in the hereafter?!
Yet Annie and her parents, and those who are like them, believe that they are living their lives according to God’s commandments.
I lived close to them and was able to experience first hand how they assumed they were following His holy commandments.
Well, of course, they did not commit any great sins, they were not completely bad, corrupt people.
But it is just as certain that their love did not deserve that high, holy name.
They showed themselves to be intolerant, they could even hate, as soon as it concerned a person who did not think like they did.
Father had loved, loved completely, all his life he had been a blessing for everyone who crossed his path, his belief in the love of the Creator had been great and indestructible.
It was this love, this big heart, this great faith, which had opened the gates to him to the first sphere, the first heaven in eternal life.
So where will Annie and those who think and act like her enter?
Those who sully and destroy a marriage, who can hate, because another does not share their faith?
Where will the minister, the priest end up, who has preached all his life about a God, who can condemn His own children to eternal damnation?
Will God really, as they hope, offer them a place behind His chair as a reward for this false spreading of His word?
I was made out to be a heretic, a satan.
Am I that?
I only have one answer to that: if all heretics receive the bliss in eternal life, which was my lot, then they are not so badly off.
They will then receive the greatest thing which God has to give to His children: His heaven!
God opened a heaven to me, and the people with whom I was connected hated me because I did not visit their church ...
This is how it was for my father, for Angelica, and for the numerous people who were despised, banished, even burnt by the people of ‘faith’.
This is how it was for everyone who did not accept a God of damnation and whose feelings of love were even greater than the flames of the funeral pyres.
How will these people of faith feel when they enter eternal life and see the reality, which is completely different from their extreme fanatic views, a reality which they will no longer be able to deny?
When they get to know God as a Father of Love, Who gives His children a chance time and again to come back to Him?
How will they feel when God does not count the times that they visited their stone church buildings and takes no notice of the times that they called on His holy Name, but only looks to the love which lives in their hearts and the actions which resulted from this with regard to their family, that is their brothers and sisters?
Love, love, it is only for love that the gates of the heavens open.
My wife thought she was serving God by hating me, because I was a heretic in her eyes.
And God commands: love one another.
I ask her: why did you not give me your heart, your innermost being?
If only you had done that, then we would have had a wonderful life.
Despite the differences in faith, in opinions, we could have grown towards each other deeper and deeper.
We would then have had respect for each other’s opinion, we would have loved.
And now there is nothing.
We have experienced none of that great and mighty thing which connects Angelica and father, and which makes them like angels and children.
I ask her, if only you had been willing to love me a little bit, been willing to trust me a little bit.
Then we would have experienced that, as a result of which the universe came into being – father tells me – then we could have helped progress the plan of creation and given bodies to several souls, as a result of which they could have started a new life.
What consciousness, what love speaks from these words of father and I understand them so well.
I immediately see Annie before me.
A new contradiction is revealed here.
How great my longing for children was on earth.
But my Annie did not want any more children.
One was enough for her.
She did not fancy suffering that pain again, it would take too much out of her, she said ...
Is this how a conscious mother feels and thinks?
But what did I want anyway?
How could I expect her to react to my longing, if she did not have any maternal feelings, if she did not possess that kind of love?
She neither knew nor had any feelings for her child and the man who gave it to her and she did not make any effort either.
Then I have to think about Angelica and father and about the feelings which they sent each other and which I experienced involuntarily.
They loved, they were one and their greatest, most sacred longing was for a child.
Who is poor in spirit, unaware?
Who carries out God’s intentions the most in his thoughts and feelings?
Again, but now with much more strength and much more awareness than on earth, the longing arises in me to help Annie and her family.
It would be worth so much to me to awaken in them the love which radiates towards me from father and Angelica.
They will have to devote themselves entirely to this, because I now know that love is sacred and those people like them will first have to learn to bow their heads, they will first have to destroy themselves, lay aside their own narrow-minded views in order to be ready to absorb the higher, spiritual knowledge within them.
And this also applies to me.
I will also have to change, if I want to master this spiritual love, which has nothing to do with the earthly love, since this love greatly exceeds it in power, depth and sacredness.
I now see a new scene before me, which reveals a contradiction, one which had already given me food for thought on earth.
Annie has become seriously ill.
She is in mortal danger.
A terrible fear of death gripped her heart with an iron fist.
Where was her faith now, her trust in God, to Whom she had prayed all her life?
She was writhing with an animal-like fear of the end, which should mean the reunion with her Divine Father, after all, according to what the church taught her.
And again, as before, the image of my father came back to me, which showed him preparing in peace and submission for his passing over which did not mean anything terrible to him, but, on the contrary, it seemed like a celebration to him, the feast of a new birth.
I wonder again, who appeared to be the conscious person here?
Who, in this case, showed their faith, trust, submission?
I see myself beginning to react.
I take Annie’s hands in mine.
In this way the powers flow towards her, which will heal her.
It is father who is now with me, he sends me his powers, which mingle with mine.
In his turn, I observe, father is driven by Angelica who is always with him, and certainly where it concerns bringing happiness in situations where suffering and sorrow reign.
The blessed life fluid of father brings her back to health.
Now that the fear of death had dissipated and she felt life inside her again, Annie and her parents dismissed the sacred powers which had brought about this miracle.
They called this form of healing the work of the devil.
However, what had they done in those hours of danger?
In desperation, they had wrung their hands and been rebellious!
One day they will also have to learn to bow their heads to these sacred truths, will have to show faith instead of despair, humiliation instead of rebellion.
One day they will also have to know how to act and devote themselves to make powers flow into a person suffering, as a result of which all life in the universe originated.
There are arguments in our house about the spiritual books which I am reading.
As if it wasn’t bad enough, Annie now begins to argue about the money which I use to help other people who really need it.
I am not denying her anything by giving away this money, but despite this she argues and shouts.
Father gave to the poor, and I thank God that I can also give away this earthly possession.
I ask you, what does it benefit you to pray to and praise God if you do not want to give the poorest amongst us what they need?
How can you love God and at the same time hold onto your possessions?
But this also points to emptiness, to spiritual poverty, to unconsciousness.
Do you believe that it is these qualities which will open the heavens to you?
And that God will overlook these faults because you have prayed to Him so faithfully?
This look into the past therefore reveals one sharp contradiction after another in my married life.
My wife believed that she was serving her God by avoiding me, by closing herself off to me and calling me a heretic.
She believed that she was serving Him by going to her church­building regularly and sending prayers to Him from there.
Did God really mean it like that, when He told His children to love and serve Him and His Life?
Annie and those who are like her say Jesus’ name a thousand times and bow their heads.
But do they not see His life, does His sacred example escape them entirely?
Did He avoid the heretics, or did He give them His love?
Did He summon us to divide ourselves into a thousand and one religions, sects and societies, or did He command us to love each other with all our heart?
Did He speak of a God who sends His children to eternal damnation, or did He use his most beautiful language to depict for us the all-enveloping love of the Father?
Neither God nor Christ ask us to enter a stone building, they ask, no they demand, that we learn to love our neighbours.
I did not attend a church, it was not necessary.
However, I did give love to my fellow human being.
And that is necessary.
It brought me to heaven.
Annie, waken up, just waken up!
Search for the life of God and love.
Learn to love it.
Do not follow those poor people who still think that God can hate.
He is not as they imagine He is.
All His children will return to Him one day.
If only you could, if only they could just accept that.
If only they could preach this truth from their pulpits to the world, it would bring millions of searching souls to them.
God does not damn, because He is a Father of Love.
Bow your head, Annie, do not do any more stupid things.
Look at Golgotha and reflect what Christ meant by loving, devoting yourself to Him.
Let go of the dogmas, which smother the faith in the Almighty Father and destroy the love for your neighbour.
Learn to be kind-hearted.
How simple it is to be enthusiastic.
Put your gratitude towards the Creator into this kind-heartedness, this enthusiasm, for this life which He has given you.
Do not hold onto earthly possessions any longer, what does it actually mean to have money?
God does not want us to use our time, our precious body, our spirit to become richer.
Do not hanker after money, hanker after love!
It is not enough to pray, Annie.
By kneeling down, giving thanks and singing, the gates of heaven do not open.
God asks for deeds from us, He demands that we prove our love, our faith in Him by deeds.
Only our deeds speak to Him in their own, clear language.
Without those deeds, I would now live in darkness, instead of floating through the Divine universe with father.
I talk to Annie in this way, to Annie who used to be my wife.
Again the longing returns to me to see her and talk to her.
I would like to tell her so many things.
But where is she just now?
Will I see her at home later and find her weeping there perhaps because I am no longer a part of those living on earth?
Now feelings come to me, which tell me, that I am separate from her.
She was my wife during my last earthly life, now those laws of cause and effect have dissolved, and from now on I will have to accept her as a sister, like I accept Angelica.
You belong to another, Annie.
You will follow the man who is yours and lay everything which lives within you in his hands.
You do not belong to me in eternal life.
Another person is waiting for me somewhere in the universe.
I will carry on with the woman who is my soul, as you will continue with yours.
I pray to God that the fire of pure, spiritual love will start to burn within you.
I also pray to Him that it may be I who will light it within you.
Father lets me feel that I have to release myself from Annie and her people.
We have to carry on.
Soon we are floating again through the universe.