Frederik, we have a boy... and we are calling him René

We had nothing to complain about: Mother Nature did not put human longings, to get the best out of life, very much to the test, and the last few months passed like a dream.
The only thing Erica said was: “It took quite a while.
But now it has arrived.”
During those months, we talked a lot, but there were no symptoms.
Karel found, and I must say he was right, that Erica sometimes exaggerated greatly, and when everything was going well, he remarked: “You see, nature takes care of everything!”
However, he is a strange doctor.
I heard him talk about these things in a way that was nothing short of recklessness for an academic.
People can also be too nonchalant about things, especially if it concerns your own wife who is expecting a baby, even if people think that nature is in charge of all life at the end of the day.
But come on: they have their own child now.
I do not know why they called the boy René.
According to Anna, the little fellow weighs six pounds and a few ounces, quite a big baby.
On the day that the baby was born it was pouring with rain.
Erica did not like that.
I am not a pessimist, but I have my own opinion about it.
Moreover, it was not because it rained, but because of her unpleasant feelings; this is also something which is not a part of her.
When I came to her, she called me:
“Frederik, we have a boy and we are calling him René.”
Karel fired away at me:
“Where does that leave you now with all your problems?”
He should have held his tongue.
Or is he happy?
He behaves like a foal in the meadow for the first time – he cannot get over his happiness.
I already feel now that it is not real.
If he is still so happy in a year’s time, I will believe him.
I tell you: this will not remain so.
There is no question of any sensible conversation and that is the first thing, which a mother longs for, after all.
I miss this simple talk.
I was not wrong all that time, and I now start to see.
We also get an answer to this and it hits the nail on the head.
This is not Karel.
However, Erica will get more blows.
It will be a tough time!
Certainly, everything comes to an end, also the nine months for a mother.
Then a great miracle awaits her and she must prove to the God of us and all life whether she understands it.
However, I already said ... it was raining.
How can it be ... mother ... still a child ... that such a rain gets the lead over you and can make you sad just like that.
Or is it the after-effects?
I just mean: the happiness in you must count for everything, must, as it were, be able to say: I am now as steady as a rock, there is nothing in this world which can take away my happiness, destroy it or sully it!
Yet it was raining and she did not like it at all, it dominated her happiness.
You see, then I was already thinking of other things, but I do not want to be pessimistic about the future.
I now know that we people can influence each other.
There is not much to say about the birth – everything happened quickly.
Yet she remained caught in her rain.
Now and again, Anna got her out of it, but she kept falling back into it.
You can hear her whispering.
Karel is also talking to himself, it is just as if he has suddenly become hard of hearing.
You can sometimes see his lips tremble.
He thinks that no one can see him but I can see everything.
For that matter, you can also see it in his walk, his broad shoulders, his neck, how he waves his arms and his brainy head, where he is trying to sort out many confusing thoughts, but his attempts have been in vain up until now, because he keeps throwing things into disarray.
However, he does not believe in emotional people.
What is it you want, Karel?
That people change suddenly?
Erica can now see through you.
It is a miserable comfort.
You give her your charity.
I now know, I will never marry!
Women have to be careful.
They receive blows!
And we men are too insensitive for a woman like Erica.
I do not mean those manly women ...
Oh, they do not need to pay any attention to my words.
I know that they also have their good qualities, the value of which such a sensitive person does not yet realise.
I have been led to believe that there are ... child mothers, maternal mothers and ... manly mothers, a distinction which classifies the mothers according to their depth of feeling.
I do not know who is the best.
However, they all experience the same process.
I would love to have become a doctor to learn about that.
Precisely in order to give my own opinion about all those different worlds, as I wanted to then.
And also to create some order, calm and peace in it.
Yes, that was it.
I am not saying anything destructive about all those degrees of life when I express myself in this way.
Is it like this everywhere?
There are fathers and mothers who are incredibly happy.
I once saw a man who was running in the street, extremely happy, and he assured everyone who wanted to hear: yes, he was the happiest man in the world.
Mothers smiled at this young man.
I estimated him to be thirty years old at the most and I understood that they had had to wait too long for it.
Perhaps men are different.
I am a strange person ...
I believe that not one of those people, approximately twenty in total, including some elderly people, whom I saw shaking their heads ... thought to enquire where this young father lived.
They thought then that I wanted to deliver flowers and I left it at that.
I was only concerned with his address and nothing else for the moment.
A year later – believe me, I am telling the truth – I knew that that same father had used up his happiness harum-scarum.
In the first instance, he broke up his marriage, beat up mother and child, and stole everything he could lay his hands on, until he ended his own life, because he would otherwise have been locked up for at least ten years.
The lawyer, a friend of mine, who had already tried to save what could be saved three months after the birth, gave up on him.
So terrible was the personality of this unnatural male instinct.
I just mean to say: be careful with your happiness.
Do not give it away.
It is much more difficult to keep happiness than suffering or sorrow.
And many people do not even believe that either, but I could prove it to you.
Those old people had exactly the same opinion as I did ...
They knew that unnatural happiness much better, but they went on dragging their feet, since they knew that Mother Nature was buying a pig in a poke for you, and you would not know what to do about it later.
There are thousands of cases like this ...
For that matter, people know that themselves as well.
I just said a moment ago that Karel is now a poor comfort to Erica.
It is hard for a mother, but what can you do about it?
You now see that the father is not prepared for the mother and the mother is not prepared for her husband.
These two different worlds need cosmic tuition, before they even start to think about having children.
One person tries to find it in the other one, but both are searching in vain.
They are missing something!
They do not know each other!
There is therefore no happiness.
How am I so sure of this?
It is because Erica showed me that through Franz Liszt.
It is now a part of my own heart.
I repeat: it already bothered me when I was an overgrown youth.
It is now pouring with rain in the house.
There is no way for them to approach each other, because Karel behaves as if he is not there himself, that he did not sew the seeds which Erica took in and which showed her the heavens.
Do you remember how the organ played?
How the gnomes played with her big toe, which tickled her?
Did you not see that the beaming light from heaven wove a rose on her beautiful head?
Her lips were coloured with the emerald of Our Lord?
Then something burned in her right ear ...
And she heard that whistling very clearly, but the orchestra with a thousand musicians ... started to play the “Liebestraum” by Franz Liszt.
She sunk away, just as I did and as everyone, that has a heart, feels it!
You see, they have already forgotten that!
It is old hat.
The origin of life is a physical game to them, instead of a universal possession, which gives shape to Divine matters.
At best, a mass is said for it.
Or did you think that it was different?
I know that they are both guilty, but they do not know its laws.
They no longer see that this milk will never sour.
If you know that, truly admire and love the space for it, He will be back next to you in order to help you a small step further.
Now you know that everything in you and on you is light.
If you see that, keep declaring it as something sacred in another person, it is also constantly new and a separate creation, because you know ...
No, not that you know your stuff – that is too cheap, because we are talking about the eternal happiness of man and wife! – yet, you know where the Divine seed is kept.
Then you can listen to voices.
You welcome every noise she makes.
Even if she is choked with the cold ... she is faced with an infectious disease, you welcome it.
Her scarlet fever brings you inspiration.
As a doctor, you rise above everything and you do not make a fuss anymore if two people a day leave the unforgettable life, at your hands.
The following day you are sure again and self-aware and an operation is completely successful.
However, now you love ... everything that lives ...
He is now standing next to you and is holding the knife for you and that other life.
It is not important whether it is a child or an adult ...
Here after a mass is being said and it costs nothing!
Now you hear Him say: did you think that it was any different?
Erica is suffering because of it.
This great event does not possess the light, which they had expected.
I already said: it is soul, it is life, and it is spirit ...
For them this castle is locked!
No matter how hard it rains, they are outside.
You cannot dress to protect yourself from this weather!
It is impossible!
I still know like it was yesterday that Erica felt like going for a walk, precisely when it was bucketing with rain.
When Karel had something to say about it, she replied:
“Exactly now.
Dear Karel ...
Exactly now it is pouring, we will go for a walk.
You have to accept, admire and love everything from Him.
How did Chopin experience this pleasure?
How Beethoven and Mozart?
If there was no rain, we would have missed all those wonderful things.’
Her eyes sparkled, her body radiated light, her step, strong and sure, gave her contentment.
The happiness of Mother Nature.
Oh, I can still hear her breathing, filling her lungs, enjoying all these gifts from above, which she knew what to do with.
A few days later, when she wanted to interpret the song of the universe for the piano ... despite her cold, she thanked the dear Lord because she was doing so well and her fingers felt the rain within them.
Then she believed that she was open to ‘true’ inspiration.
However, a short while later it had disappeared from her life!
I can still hear her sigh ...
She found it such a pity, but still thought the rain was a revelation.
And now?
What a tremendous difference there is.
I do not know this soul anymore, this ordinary rain beats her, covers her with a shroud of gloom with a natural ... it.
It makes me tremble and shake, what you make of it is up to you.
However, Karel does not see or hear the rain.
Is this also a symptom?
Karel does not get any reply.
He behaved awkwardly as well.
He now reveals his own character.
She sees through it, this is fantastic.
Moreover, what a comedy people make of things.
I would like to beg them: be yourselves!
However, I will not get involved.
Karel expected a message from his son.
Now that message has already been posted and will soon be delivered.
Now look at the postman.
That man is wearing a mask and behaves as if it is Mardi Gras.
He walks about in a sham suit and sings nice songs, but he has already forgotten his roots.
You must pay the bill ... even if you are sent flowers.
The baby has a beautiful voice, but a bit too hoarse.
Karel is already thinking about that postman.
But he does not know yet that he comes from another village and has to walk a long distance.
The man looks old.
It bothered me when I realise all of this and I could not understand myself.
That voice as well!
‘A baby does not hide anything, even if it is only a few hours old’, I heard someone say a long time ago.
I now believe that that scholar was right.
I know about this pleasure myself.
I feel this little voice, it means more to me than to people in general.
The voice shows the person’s character.
When the baby is a bit more conscious later, the voice will change, but then you will hear what its emotional situation is, even if you are faced with deeds, which attempt to illustrate the opposite.
The voice usually warns, the mother in particular.
René is therefore a bit too hoarse.
I could now say what it will mean in the future, but then according to the previous symptoms.
Karel listens to it, but thinks that it is meant to be like that, nature knows best.
As long as it does not turn out to be a pig in poke.
This baby is too old!
I do not look at its wrinkled little face, for that is not important.
It is something else.
In Indonesia, I was warned by the friendliness of a voice.
I heard from the voice that I would be deceived and poisoned.
I did not touch the food, which had been prepared so carefully, and gave it to my dog, which gave up the ghost an hour later.
That Indonesian child betrayed herself completely – or was this protection?
Whatever the case, I heard it in the voice.
I did not even look up when that sweet child stood next to me and put my dinner in front of me.
Her voice sounded to me like a mountain cat in the far distance.
I did not touch it.
I did not see my coffin ...
However, the human voice told me enough to save my life.
I would have preferred not to be murdered just like that ... life was too wonderful for that.
From that moment onwards I paid particular attention to the human voice and could now tell you all about it.
It is an awe-inspiring great book.
That part of me will also get a place soon in my ‘University’, where the students will not get a degree in twenty years.
Because it is so simple!
You will certainly not believe it, but at that time, I felt one with Socrates.
I then said to him: you were close by, as long as all those idiots do not mess about with your awe-inspiring knowledge.
Otherwise you will have to come back here again – at least if it is possible, because many people believe you only live on earth once – in order to give your own faculty the Divine shower.
People wanted to kill me for it but I did not accept it.
René’s voice tells me such a lot, even more than Erica’s feeling of depression, her stupefied self!
Because that is what it is, she is not alive!
I could almost say that René can already feel the place where he will have a beard.
I will go even further, he is already asking now where he can get the best shaving soap, and why men actually have to shave and women do not have this problem.
Did you see that thin little face?
Men are strange creatures.
You could laugh about it, but you know that it is very natural and you do not laugh.
Well, why do we have a beard?
Why does a mother not have a beard?
The God of all life knew it.
He also now knows why I feel that this little voice is too old.
I have my own opinion about it ...
I hear, that screeching ...
It is not a choir of angels to Erica either ... otherwise, she would now be radiating with beauty; she would be floating in her universe and that of her child.
However, she is as heavy as lead.
You could almost bury her.
I will stop it, it is pointless to continue.
I am faced with everything alone anyway.
If I had a lecture room full of students, I could pass on my findings to the new generation, but I do not have that yet.
Now everything is becoming so heavy.
You are faced with a mountain.
There is something else, which says: ‘Drink and eat, this is My Blood, this is My Body’, what do you want?
The next day, Karel retrieved his old cows from the cowshed and showed Erica that they no longer could give any milk because they now grazed in the wrong direction.
Again and again, they tumbled in his ditch; they do it back to front.
He did not know that for this there were no spectacles ground.
His cows behave as white mice can, they are as fast as flowing water ...
However, Erica does not feel like going into it.
She says: it is too muddy!
“You see”, he says, “you should have done it like that.
This must be done differently.
And that as well.
If you had done it differently, you would have been happy now.
What can I do for you?”
When she then replies: “Just take care of yourself first”, then you know happiness does not reign here either and they are a bother to each other.
Yet this couple does not understand that it could be very different.
You are now faced with personalities, which do not wish to bow and do not understand this enormous happiness.
It is a small matter but one which weighs a thousand kilos.
They face each other, not knowing how to reach each other, and create chaos.
René keeps calling to them, the baby is talking to its parents, but they do not yet hear it.
All they do is remove themselves from Him, from Whom they received everything.
Karel shows her his bashful manners.
Afterwards I hear some crying and motherly sniffling.
He forgets he is a father, they are not yet ready for this miracle, and it is a problem!
He should have behaved differently and he now knows that but he is too proud to admit it.
Now look at your farm, Karel, but you should know that it could be different, better; a bit more feeling would open you to this miracle.
I did not get the chance to have a chat with her.
For that matter, she would not have been able to.
And to be honest, I was afraid of it.
Try entering a life that is only darkness?
How awful!
She is lying there with the blankets right up to her chin, with her eyes closed, and deep in thought.
I feel weight, is it own destruction?
I suspected that this would become a chaos and now I know for sure.
After all, a person cannot miss out any steps.
As I already said, Anna does everything to support her.
Erica nods to her.
Anna understands and behaves as if she knows everything.
Her strong personality is stimulating and can move mountains.
She is a beautiful soul.
I believe that Erica has now become more sensitive, which does not make it so easy to sense her purely, how she should be eventually.
Did this happen because of her child?
Or is this the other influence?
The doctor says that everything is fine.
This is also normal.
But I am not so sure.
I have my own feelings, but do not dare to make an analysis.
Anna shakes her head, her skirts crackle through the house, and her footsteps are also different.
She is calculating her step.
Everything is different about her, we see a change coming, and all of us experience it in our own way.
Who is doing the right thing?
We had to wait and see.
I saw the baby.
It is just as the drawing I made of it!
Believe me, this life lives in my soul; it is part of my life, as it were.
I do not know how, but I can feel it.
You would think that it is impossible, but I cannot let go of these thoughts, they follow me around.
I live through them, so to speak.
I also believe, because I have been able to follow it for such a long time that those feelings live in me.
I yearned for this moment but it is disappointing.
Good heavens, I thought, what an unfortunate creature you are, I behaved as I used to and became a child again.
Karel ran out the door, there was something else the matter.
Erica begged me to stay; it was in her eyes.
The door slammed closed again, the noise scared her and her baby.
She also heard him starting his car, a last farewell to her and the one in the cradle.
And that was that.
She looked up for a moment, but lowered her eyes again; I see that they are as heavy as lead.
A few moments later, she looks in my direction and from me to the cradle.
Look first yourself, it occurs to me.
But I am like a statue.
I could hit myself, I am behaving so awkwardly.
My body is silent, I am standing still inside, but a mother is asking me something.
I have to act but I cannot.
It takes at least ten minutes, it is painful for her but then I hear:
“I do not know, Fredrik, I do not know.”
She bites her lips red, a moment ago they were as white as a corpse, and still I cannot speak.
But I have to!
I could have killed myself; it is so awful.
What a dope I am.
Yet, there is contact with her life, thoughts and emotions.
I also absorb that.
I am screaming inside, I feel ill-fated.
I want to die.
There is desperation: a break down within me, my life is ruined.
I am worthless, nothing; I am desperate!
I am sitting here and am like the living-dead.
I think and at the same time, I have no thoughts.
I am trembling!
It is now or never, I have to talk, I cannot leave her alone like that.
I just sit and do nothing.
She asks and begs for an answer.
She looks at what I am doing, but she remains as heavy as lead.
I am not yet ready to accept that child and fulfil her longing.
She expects me to say something nice, but I cannot do it yet.
It is as if I am frozen to the spot!
When Anna comes in something within me breaks.
Erica now looks at me, her looks drill through me.
I have meanwhile been burnt at the stake ten times.
She thinks about me and her child.
Now her eyes go to the cradle and I hear:
“Everyone should be able to enjoy this, shouldn’t they, Frederik?”
Her voice tells me a lot.
These words fly from my lips:
“Yes, they should, Erica, of course, they should!
Every ... human son has to.”
What is this then?
However, she laughs.
I have achieved something after all, but I did not have a share in it.
I wanted to say: every human being ... and every human son came out.
I think it is terrible.
I feel like a beaten dog, but I look at the child.
I murmur something and make a fool of myself.
She observes the baby, she believes herself that she is talking to little René.
How many people now live in her?
Are we faced with new problems?
Then she says:
“Do not stay away too long, Frederik.D3870
I tremble and promise her I will come back soon.
But I am a beaten man.
I have to leave!
Then I am already outside and run into the woods.
But I can still see Anna before me, who sympathises with me, I believe, which I think is terrible.
There is an unknown force that pushes me outside.
I now know that if I had had to depend on my own strength, I would have collapsed.
However, when I think of Anna I feel powerful.
If I come into contact with René and Erica, I fall to the ground and behave in a helpless manner.
It is as if I have to think of death.
Anna puts me back on my feet after those two there have knocked me down.
Am I so helpless then?
Thinking I continue.
I had decided to go for a nice meal today to celebrate the health of mother and child.
Now it is as if René does not want me to enjoy my food.
I start to feel sick when I think about it.
I let myself fall onto my bench, but I see myself walking on at the same time.
I believe that there is something not right in my head.
I suddenly see that I am running and yet I am sitting down!
I wanted to scream but no sound would come.
I thought I was running through the woods but I could see by the tips of my shoes that I was sitting down.
Now I am silent, I no longer wish to think, I feel so unhappy.
I feel like a drink, because I know that I have had too much of a good thing.
What a day this is!
Beethoven, Mozart and Franz Liszt with his funeral marches, are now at home: they are sick.
I believe they are pretending to be sick.
They have lost their inspiration.
Their spiritual child is already buried.
Erica no longer knows them, also that support has gone!
That art has also turned out to be stuff and nonsense for her life.
Nothing helps, nothing, we lie and cheat, we fool each other.
You cannot depend on people, they do not think, even if they think that they find it all so nice and wonderful, it is nonsense!
I had to accept this a moment ago.
There are no useful things in the world, which support people; everything is imagination!
I do not think that I will gather up any wisdom again, it does not help anyway.
This also belongs to my university, but it is severity, poverty!
It is evening again – I think the first or second day after the birth – and I was almost mad from thinking and as a result of my helplessness.
I felt that I had still not been born and at the same time, I wanted to end it all!
Is that not terrible?
The things I considered wisdom a day beforehand today seem like a circus.
It is foolish arrogance!
I, stupid person that I am, already saw the world and people changing.
I now live in darkness again and I will not get out of it.
Yet, I must!
I evolved further but it suddenly came to a halt, which I did not yet understand.
Now I know.
Karel is right in saying: everything is a process; everything is ‘nature’!
It is nature.
Only I am not nature yet!
However, when I go into that he tends to his horses and he is flung into a dangerous space.
It is too wild for me, too dangerous!
When I thought about this, about his process and his nature, light suddenly returned to my life and I felt happy again.
I could now say: nonsense, my good man!
Even if we have not yet worked it out, everything is still different!
Then I saw a hand and it pulled me out again, I hold on tightly to that hand, it is my life and happiness!
It was a hand!
I will not let it be taken from me!
I saw it!
I experienced it!
However, I now also know that we take it too seriously.
We should see things in an everyday way.
Millions of mothers experience it and remain themselves.
Is Karel right?
I followed Karel in thought and saw how he chased after his horses.
These are his qualities, his personality.
I prefer to do it in a simpler way, even if I sometimes wander far from home, I know what I am doing and how I think, but he does not know!
Yet, I continue step by step.
I am still behaving a bit strange but I am improving.
He is not; he is standing still!
I believe that he is now lying in one of his ditches.
I will not reach out a hand to him; the doctor will just have to see how he gets out of it.
He has dragged me through his mud ditches for long enough.
I flatly refuse to do it anymore!
And this little René had let me know that.
This is why I am over it so quickly, but it was dangerous!
What will God think about us people?
Did He want this child to be born?
According to Karel, God has other things to do.
I now know for sure that his horses falling will make him bow his farmer’s head.
There is no other explanation to be found, this is it!
Now he is faced with Erica’s sensitivity and does not know what to do about it.
Will this mean a broken heart?
I do not want to think about a coffin, but would you have thought otherwise?
I am busy analysing characters again – why can I not leave them alone? – this is a bloody page in my diary.
I really do not know where to begin.
I now see that many quotation marks were used, especially where it concerns me.
However, my handwriting is getting weaker and I am thinking without finding what I am looking for.
Yet, I am sure of my facts.
I read over everything, I think about every sentence, but I cannot yet work it out.
I still believe that everything has meaning!
I also write in my diary:
“I was in the silence and I was expecting my child.
Suddenly it started to rain, and there was a thunderstorm on its way.
I ran back home, but on the way, I lost my child.
When I came home it was lying in its cradle, and looked at me, knowingly!
It was as if it was trying to say something, but I did not understand it then.
Now I know that it wanted to tell me:
I have known for so long, Mother!
I ran even faster and was home much sooner.
I had already known for such a long time that there would be a storm and so I took precautions.
You see?’”
I throw down the pen, wanted to tear up what I had written, but did not.
I finished the sentence, because I did not understand a word of it.
It seems like insanity!
However, I came to think deeply.
And a while later I also wrote:
“You did not know, mother, that you had fallen in a ditch?
It was I who pulled you out again.
What father does is terrible.
I will put him in his place!
Then pears and apples will rain for his life, of supernatural insanity, with the inscription: ‘These also grew in paradise.’
They are not to be thrown to the cows, like pearls before swine.
They have lights; they are like compressed incense, which will not burn.
However, you can smell it because you are now faced with your own soul.
I am dead to the world and readily admit it, I am shaking and trembling again from myself.
I have slept and I now know that I am being protected from a shock, I find it so terrible.
Behind all of this, I saw His hand, the hit!
Have I now been touched by Him?
On the surface, it is nonsense, but the beating of my heart points to a different answer.
I read over the nonsense at least ten times and stay away from it, you never know.
I feel something but do not know what it is.
This will probably be the best of all the things that I have written.
Then it was evening again, the umpteenth day after this birth, which took me from one surprise to the next and I thought: I am happy or ... a complete madman.
However, I am still alive and I can still think as well, I have feelings.
But that evening I was dead drunk!
The next day I knew for certain that my servant girl was stealing from me.
I therefore made the decision to get rid of her for good.
I know for sure that I will manage!
It is pitiful!
When I was sitting for my diary the next time and read what I had written already, I added a few scribbles, which did not predict anything and closed the book again.
I will keep the rest to myself.
It will be contradictory to itself but I will wait and see.
What kind of masks can I see?
Not an hour passes without you being faced with masks!
If my hand writes something else, which does not come from me, I will hang myself.
Then I will not have to chase away this thief of a girl and it will be a flower on my grave.
What nonsense I am making up.
However, I can say what things she has hold of.
She reads my letters, which is the worst thing of all!
If she had read the letters with pure love, I would give her a raise of ten guilders, now she has to leave!
I think that I will sell all my rubbish soon and go travelling again!
It is a pity for my friends.
Erica and Anna will think it is terrible.
I will come across enough people like Karel.
Even if he is quite a person, a rascal with a good brain, I will not be too sorry to leave him!
I can now see the moment when I got to know them.
We were on a trip and engaged into conversation.
It was nice weather, and we could see the fjords.
Then it started.
After some conversation, our characters made contact.
I tuned into them and followed them in everything.
They did not, they did it differently.
When we got back to the city, my first visit followed.
I still go there now, in fact quite a bit, and I have become one of their best family friends.
Before I was always on the move – I have seen a lot of this world and learned a lot, I believe.
I have had to pay many bank accounts for the benefit of another, although I have still not made a good friend out of it.
That is usually the case!
Now I have my home, I will not leave here again, I think, even if I have these feelings.
I do not know where it comes from, something is trying to chase me away, but the feeling to stay is stronger and it will probably win from the other feeling.
Does He not want me to leave?
What an imagination again, but you can never tell.
As a person, there is always something else.
If there is nothing then you search for it!
That is just the way we are.
However, I am now faced with a thief and in my own house!
It is terrible!
It is as if I am covered with lice.
It will mean a lot of misery.
A dirty great mess, I do not want that!
I believe that I am overwhelmed by everything, precisely now when I need peace.
You cannot think because of those things, they take you out of your world of silence and happiness.
Precious things are destroyed as a result of these low-life things and that must not happen.
I now know that I will not get out of this.
It is strange but you will see.
I do not know how, I do not understand it properly myself, but it is the case!
When I analyse those feelings, I am sitting with Erica and her baby!
I am deaf and dumb, but when I listen to something, I can still hear it!
It is such a strange thing!
However, if I leave, Karel will get the upper hand and Erica will move to a world where she will be alone and never receive one sign of love again.
I also know that!
Karel recently told me that I looked at the ground too much.
I felt what he meant, but he himself looks for the first blades of grass and does not see them, even if he is right on top of them.
He wants to, but he cannot, not yet.
What is it?
Why is a person bound hand and foot to his own character?
That is not Karel; he is walking behind 'himself' and searching for that man!
Sometimes you can hear him groaning, I do not dare to say whether it is real.
It is just like the story of Hans and Gretel, old views, he also has old views, but he teases Erica with it!
If you ask me, this life will be destroyed!
If I stay, he will never get the chance again to kick me into his ditches.
However, he has had to accept in all these years that I can sometimes say things which are spot-on, even if I am awkward by nature.
Is this a born gift?
Does it point to real talent?
We do not know!
He says to me: “Everything is arty about you, art is growing in your life as tough as a mud plant.”
What a turn of phrase Karel has.
I did not feel in the least artistic when he mentioned this.
However, I am stopping, it is enough for today, otherwise I will lose myself again and I cannot afford to.
My thoughts search for the universe for this life.
Now they are building another personality.
I go into it and like it!
They sneak away from me and search for another light.
Is this also from little René?
It is strange, I feel so one with this life, and it is almost frightening.
What do I have to do with that child, that soul or spirit?
Did you also see it, Erica?
And you, Anna?
And you, Karel?
There is one thing that makes me happy.
Karel trusts me completely; otherwise, we would have parted by now.
It is probably because the women do not appreciate me as a man.
But it could be for another reason, which I also know about, but which I will not mention.
That will come later, if it is ever necessary.
Or He would have to have another opinion, then we will have to just bow to it.
In any case, Karel feels easy about it!
You are faced with masks again ... everything has one.
But what are the women like?
I know all about it, even if I am no expert.
You heard it yourself, they like me and speak well of me.
What is it?
Why do many people say that they would not choose me as a husband?
Do I emanate that feeling?
Do I disturb those souls?
What is it?
I know, but I will not say, I will keep this to the very end.
I do not dare to say yet whether I will write it down.
It has a lot to do with my life, with my whole character, I live because of it and I believe it is precisely because of it that I have come to this path.
It is as if it has to be!
But what does the female soul feel about it?
It is a mystery to me, yet I understand it!
This contradict each other, but I will leave it like that.
It is something, which just happens to be like that, and yet it does not count.
It is also a part of yourself, but I believe it does not even belong to you!
You see, they are masks!
Who has them and does not know them for themselves?
Only when I look at nature, I think that everything is as it should be there.
I believe that animals do not know anything about it.
Only we as people are bothered by it!
I think it is a scandalous nuisance; it is as if it is not part of you, but everything in and of your life revolves around it, is a part of it.
It takes you upwards and downwards.
You will see that I am right, even if I do not know exactly what it is.
After all, it lives and it can also think!
My heart is real, truly, and I know what I am doing.
Erica is an exception, and I know that.
Yet, she says so!
When I came back from a journey in those days my father was dying.
I left home at such an early age and I walked through God’s free nature, through His wonderful world!
If I had not inherited money from my father, I would now have been in a poor position.
Fortunately, he left me all of his estate and I can do what I like with it.
At first I kept his beautiful horses for myself and I did not let myself be hoodwinked by my family, the simple-minded Frederik knew what to do.
They begrudged me the light of day, but now they need thick glasses, not me.
So we see, curses do not always come true, if that was the case, I would have been dead long ago.
God no longer listens to human foolishness, which is over, or it never existed; I do not know!
Then I went travelling again.
Only the last few years I stayed at home, precisely because of Erica and Karel.
This is all you have to know about me, the rest will come, if it is ever necessary.
You will then know immediately all the places I have been to and also how life was talking to me and how it ate me up.
But you must realise, I was grateful for everything!
Whatever happened to me, I always remained myself.
Sometimes it cost me my blood, but an inner fight, sometimes for life and death, always got me over it and then the sun shone again in my life.
I was sometimes beaten painfully, but what can you do?
You can guess: I will not leave here yet.
I am attached to something that I do not recognise and that is also a mask!
The only thing we have to make sure of is that people do not get to know me, I will be gossiped about then.
I do not want to become helpless, not like that man with his empty greetings.
People ask what I do, and many people think that I am a writer, because I go about with materials, which point in that direction.
I do not go into it, but it annoys me and I wish to say something: usually exactly the wrong thing.
I am a researcher, as it is called here and I leave it at that.
Erica, it is obvious that I will come back, but I have not yet worked it out.
Do you feel deceived by me?
I would love to rush to you, but I cannot, I feel so beaten!
And that because of myself!
However, I will make it.
Just a while longer and you will see me again!
Now I will watch my words and I think that you will see me in a different light, better, I hope, even more open, lovelier!
I think that I am getting another mask, Erica.
But what did you think of the flowers?
I want to make up for everything by giving them.
Do you believe me?
Does Anna?
“Frederik”, I utter, “just carry on!
There will be light!”