Oh, Frederik, our René is going away

WHAT we were always afraid of, watched out for day and night, appeared to be inevitable.
René has gone!
Our René could no longer be controlled, Karel put an end to it.
Now what?
Meanwhile, we are six months older.
The boy remained apathetic for a while, behaved strangely and told the biggest nonsense, in which I did not understand him either.
He imagined the most impossible things.
Anna was at such a stage that Karel had to put her under treatment in order to calm down her pent-up nerves and Erica as a mother broke down completely.
He was crazy, he could not be controlled, he threw everything and could easily have broken his neck, so carelessly he played with his own life.
I had already seen it in his eyes, it was one evening when he was telling me such strange things, which he drew from my life just like that, as it were.
At that moment he was telepathically tuned, feeling ...
The boy knew what you were thinking about and what was happening in your life.
I recorded progress that week, for that matter, we all thought that.
I just kept myself in the background, because my own thoughts and feelings had warned me, even if we saw him as never before.
He told you things which adults do not think of.
You saw him sinking away before your very eyes and yet getting a bull by the horns more awarely than ever, to then start a conversation with that animal which made you tremble and shake.
Anna just fled away, Erica’s cheeks became flushed with shame ... he ranted and raved so much about the human castle and the entrances and exits, which he had discovered in himself.
It was just like a spiritual slaughterhouse, a sexual anatomical lesson.
He even lectured about how you could enter that other castle.
I can still hear him saying:
‘Wipe your feet, Uncle Frederik, do not enter there just like that, otherwise Anna will drop dead.
It is not so bad for mother ... she has not yet opened her doors, this is why she smells like that.’
I do not know what else ... too many things to mention and too delicate to talk about, although I had to save a few things for the logbook, if I also wished to overview this time at a later date.
Finally ... what does it matter ...
René is just a child.
We determined: there lies and there now lives a sexual libertine.
I rapped my own knuckles, because I had claimed thousand times that this had nothing to do with the sexual.
This could no longer be glossed over.
Yet ... when I saw him like that, I thought, you, my friend, have already started your puberty years.
Because that is what it is.
His life will tell me and reveal to me whether I am right.
I believe that I am close and touched the real core, because René is ahead of youngsters in everything.
You must now see him as a boy of about fifteen at least.
When I discussed all of that with Karel, I was completely off the mark again.
This is how Karel is, you never know what he means.
We sit and talk and you think: I have got him; tomorrow he will have forgotten everything again.
He said frankly: rubbish, Frederik.
Are you trying to tell me that this life is ahead of normal growth and development?
You will understand that I said things in the wrong way, but I meant it well.
Whatever he said, I could not forget about my own thoughts and feelings with regard to René’s development.
I could not believe that he was backward.
I did not want to accept that this life experienced insanity, even though we saw that he behaved like a deaf and dumb child, was apathetic, treated himself and the things around him in a wild and fierce manner.
I insisted that he was older and had already started the puberty years.
Now I was laughed at by everyone.
Anna said that I could also go too far.
The first few days apathetic, the next a bit more lively and then the terrible talk came.
‘Good heavens ... how a soul, such a young soul can let rip’, according to Erica.
Karel felt repelled because of it.
Karel felt ill.
Anna blushed the whole day, because the boy continually confronted them with human facts.
His nakedness and that of all of us showed, as though he desired to beat up those bodies.
We had to accept that he was an old man in all aspects.
He pushed his pinky out above the water and prodded Anna with it, after which she ran out of the bathroom.
When Erica took him to task, it was even worse.
He simply told her that she should stop her screeching, when Father came to her to get his oats.
When she stood naked before him she should not make such a fuss any more ...
Father had known that for such a long time.
Men do not like that pushiness and Father was already used to that.
Then I heard a scream, rushing around and banging, and another beating.
I found her at the bottom of the stairs.
She called to me:
‘You wash him, Frederik, I am not capable of it.
My God ... what misery.’
Erica was blushing!
Anna was nowhere to be seen, the women had succumbed.
René was like a wild man towards me.
He threw everything at me, but the female rogue had gone to sleep again. I finished washing him and put him to bed in the straightjacket.
Now it started again, eating and drinking flying through the room, bound hand and foot, he spits me in my face, a real madman.
Completely crazy?
When Karel wants to know what is actually the matter, Erica does not want to say anything.
He forces her to confess, we have to tell each other everything, we have to know the score.
When Erica tells him what came out of that little mouth, Karel does not believe it and that makes it even worse.
‘Would I lie about that?’ she says.
‘Must we ...’
She does not get any further.
She falls to the floor.
Karel is annoyed.
The house is in an uproar again, the personalities are broken ... a child is dominating us.
However, that is no longer René himself, this is someone else.
So it is possible, after all, I thought ... that an astral personality masters a child?
Must we accept possession in this case?
What kind of phenomena have we already seen, got to know?
We heard crying all day, as if we had tied a dog to a chain, this young life felt so beaten.
The heart turns, as a result of which Erica succumbed, because this was no longer human.
The following day it was exactly the same carry-on.
I determined that when people, that means, when a female hand touches this body, the soul and personality feel stimulated.
Worlds reach consciousness, which are experienced in a short time and are amazingly thought up, even more consciously than adults like us can imagine.
I know how Erica is with regard to her maternal feelings for Karel and herself ...
She is free, feels natural and childishly naïve in this, so that this saying knocked her to the ground.
We know what we have to discuss; Karel as a doctor always has something new, but we are careful that not a word reaches the young life.
However, it is something entirely different.
René absorbs it from us.
My last thoughts before he left us were, he can do that.
A sexual hotchpotch is made of that, as a result of which the body speaks and the soul and personality are forced to listen.
I wondered: can the organism also talk?
Has it something to tell the soul?
I have to accept it, but then they are those stimuli, it becomes ecstasy ... they are that sexual nonsense which this life is full of.
I only just noted down all of this, because we did not have time to think in peace, we got so much to deal with.
It remained like this.
Fit and strong, but mentally abnormal.
We saw him change within a fortnight.
We thought: that is going well ...
However, we celebrated too soon.
The boy raced through the house like a madman.
We were not aware of it, because he could sometimes carry out a conversation like a normal child and then he chatted with his mother, Anna, Karel and me.
We did determine that his memory had suffered.
Just like with a baby the sounds passed his lips, you could not understand any of it, his talking was so unclear.
I thought that he had lost all his powers and had to start from the beginning.
A phenomenon that again I did not know.
However, we suddenly saw him differently.
That was one morning, when he was in the garden with Anna.
He runs away from her ... runs to the next house, jumps inside the chicken run and starts a real butchering there amongst the animals.
He is talking about a suit.
He would make sure that they get a new suit, it had taken long enough now.
Of course they also had to go in the bath.
We got hold of him, with a plucked chicken in his hands.
We see one finger inside the chicken ... he wanted to have eggs.
People declared him mad.
Hours were spent talking about him in the neighbourhood and the sad event became the talk of the day.
The worst thing of all was how they gossiped.
As a result of this Eric, Anna and Karel are distraught.
We cannot change anything about it, I thought, it is sad ... it is terrible, but what can you do?
We were up to our ears in trouble and misery.
There are many people who show us their sympathy, other people take pleasure in our unhappiness, they enjoy it.
Anna no longer dared to go outside, Erica locked herself in her room.
Karel was strong and aware ...
He challenged them, but the wretches did not give a glimpse, from behind their masks they carried out a battle with us and gossiped about us.
I could fill a book, I heard that much gossip and nonsense.
What a lot people know about others.
Universities come to you.
They take you away in order to consciously murder you.
They come to you in order to pity you, but that is only in order to tell it further.
The most terrible part of it is that they involve God in it.
Dear me, how those people are afflicted!
Again we heard all kinds of things, there was also a lot of news, but mostly not worthwhile thinking about, in so far as they were not problems for every human being, for all the life of this world.
I had already given much of it a place in the book, this exceeded the last one.
Then I called our household together.
First I gave Erica a sensitive beating, then Anna, who was capable of completing her task again a moment later.
In one day I was at that stage.
She then challenged the gossips again ...
Of course, the intellectual has a different opinion.
People with a little bit of sense feel the suffering and sorrow of the parents and those people give you their support.
It is the silly people.
What harm they can do.
I know, silly people have wrung the necks of the geniuses of the earth ... they were thrown on funeral pyres and their temples were set alight, they were consciously killed!
You cannot fight against this.
You would think that you lived in a conscious century, but that is not the case.
Eventually you get that far and you surrender everything.
The boy was completely crazy that day.
He was foaming at the lips.
We pitied him, but were powerless.
What will Karel do?
Hans had gone to Berlin again with his Hansi.
They visited us one evening, an evening of cold talk, of emptiness, because Hansi consciously treated us all with disdain.
They visited us for an hour, then she had to leave again, her dogs needed her.
I will probably come back to it later to tell you one thing and another about it.
Hans did not even go into the subject of our fool.
René was nothing to him and Hansi.
Erica was bothered by it and Karel likewise; I now found Hans cheap, empty, a loudmouth.
However, Karel kept contact with his colleagues.
Van Duin gave him advice ... other psychologists had their opinion, to finally get back to me with the question: what do you think about it, Frederik?
What can we do.
I told him that we still had to wait a bit with the matter.
There might be a change for the better.
However, there was no more change, René now remained rebellious.
The soul dominated the body.
The personality dealt with the inner turmoil according to human age and we had to deal with sexual happening, which we really did not want to hear from him.
Nice, pleasant things no longer passed his lips.
What used to perhaps mean wisdom was now dirty talk.
If we let him roam free for a moment, then you saw a dog, who became aware of space and freedom.
He jumped up on you, twisted his whole body and barked for joy, as if he wanted to say: Are we going out, master?
May I go with you?
May I walk off the lead?
May I go with you to the woods?
Will you take me outside?
Good, oh, I am so grateful and I will be a good dog.
You saw, you felt those animal inclinations and were disgusted by them.
You felt yourself becoming nauseous, but a moment later he bit you unexpectedly in your legs or a cup, a vase flew at your head and you experienced a war in the house.
That continued like that, week in, week out.
There were weeks which were bearable, and then we got hope again.
Yet he did not get out of it.
One day in the straightjacket, tomorrow a bit more freedom again.
Dirty talk, with childish naiveté.
Obedience next to brutal power, lust, destruction.
All the human qualities for good and evil got the opportunity through him to manifest themselves in strength and then we saw there was the devil to pay.
He inflamed every characteristic to a great height, but it always ended up with the naked bottom of Anna, mother’s naked neck, her indecent washing ... although he was never present at them in anyway and which were to Erica the hours of chaste labour and human caring of her castle.
When you heard him speaking those words, you thought that a university also lived in him, a dictionary was busy manifesting itself to old people like us, because he had never heard one word of it before.
We knew that he picked up a lot, had received a lot from those few days when he was amongst children ... but there were also words which were never spoken by any of us.
Where does he get that ‘indecent washing’ and ‘Jesus ape’ from, ‘exposed bare bottom, incense wind, disgraceful behaviour’?
What could you make of ‘angel bitch’, ‘fox love’, ‘exposed kidney’?
Enough to drive you mad, we got so much flung at our heads.
For the second time he saw the chance to escape and the windows rattled.
It became frightening.
We were no good as guards.
It remained so, nailed to his bed, weeping women around him, men who do not know what to do, doctors who are powerless before everything and can only give their injection in order to kill the last bit of feeling.
Everyone can do that, Karel said, it is no good.
I give up.
I wrote down:
What René intends to do, borders on the incredible.
I can no longer understand it.
I cannot think anymore, I am as tired as a dog.
I give up.
At least for the time being. What I now see tears everything which I have experienced and thought I understood up until now, out of connection.
We get to see commonplace things.
They are distinctive, animal longings.
Nothing more, but nothing less either.
There is no discussion, they do not laugh at me now, they think I am a sad case.
I can almost not cope with it.
Sometimes it overcomes me and I go for a walk in the forest in order to have a good cry.
Yet I am really not pathetic; I now start to think about it.
There are also religious objections.
What I had never thought about, dominates me ...
I get into arguments with all people and attack the church.
I can no longer bear to hear that God is a cad, we as people are!
Karel flings all these things at me and Erica sometimes adds her own opinion.
That makes me sad.
I succumb to it, but you should not ask how!
The phenomena are of such a nature that I can no longer find any words for them.
I worried myself sick, but I too was at a standstill.
Just at this moment!
I no longer beamed, I saw myself walking, I saw somebody walking in front of me, sagging at the knees, who suffered heaven and earth.
That was me!
I followed that advanced shadow of myself.
Then I started to think again, in another direction.
What now occurred to me did me good again and I could carry on.
It was as if nature said to me: if he stands still, you also stand still!
What a dope!
If he lives, you also live, sourface, wretch!
If he rebels, it is you who gets him out of it again.
Wretch, wretch ... heaven-high shirt?
Then I got a fright, and it was exactly that fright that brought me back to myself again.
It was a word from René!
‘Heaven-high shirt’ ... he said to me one morning.
I happened to be tying my bow-tie.
What on earth does that mean?
I sounded him out, but he did not communicate a single word or thought.
Suddenly someone said to me:
‘Is heaven not collared?
Did you think that heaven did not have a collar on?
You look for yourself, old fool?
Oh, forgive me.
It is just the way I am, Frederik.’
It was as if I got a kiss, when I heard my name said.
Happiness flowed into my soul.
The shadow before me raised itself up.
The burden fell from its shoulders and there was no longer a question of sagging knees.
I had looked at my own mask.
I had seen myself and I knew: in this way we will all go under, all be destroyed, and that may not happen.
I very probably see everything wrong.
However, I am firmly convinced that I did not receive any nonsense in the years which passed.
I possibly see myself wrong and, of course, René.
What the others think about it is the truth.
However, that voice then?
That shadow of mine then?
All nonsense?
Am I drunk?
I have not had a drop.
I do not drink here, we do not feel like it.
No, I have to see it like this, if he is sick, I am as well.
If he stands still for a moment, I rest.
If he chatters, then nonsense reaches me, and if he chatters about Anna and Erica – I catch myself out now – I see more than usual.
I then look at Anna, I could just kiss her.
At my age?
Are you so old?
I do not know how old I am, I do not look bad ... most certainly not.
I would still be perfectly capable of ...
Good heavens ...!
When René can no longer cope, I cannot cope either.
If he says things which adults like us do not think about, a fountain rises in me which does not contain any water, but which is then fed from another life source.
Then I live again.
It took a while before I knew why I was so sad.
When I understood it ... Karel took him away ...!
Of course, I went along, but then I knew.
I was standing completely still!
The things I was busy with meant nothing to me anymore.
For days I did not look at the logbook and yet right now there was so much to write.
I dealt with it inside and days later I had the feeling that all of this meant nothing.
This was part of the material wakening.
I was therefore proved right, when I wrote:
I now know for sure that René is far ahead of his physical life.
He has already started what a boy of fourteen must get through, has to experience, because the physical part forces the soul.
As a result of this we see him so upset.
How simple everything really is, when you know the answer.
Those passionate inclinations mean nothing.
I know what he is up to.
We have to prevent that.
Karel gave him something to drink and it lessened, he no longer reached out his hands and he got some peace.
After a sleep it started to saw into him again and cracked for Erica and Anna, as a result of which they were hopeless.
Then Karel inquired and he found what he thought was suitable for René.
I am not going to tell about all those troubles.
Erica and Anna were distraught.
My God, how much those women must love this life.
Then Anna.
Erica did not hold herself in, Anna behaved as if she was being burnt at the stake.
I have no words for it.
It is much worse than taking your life to the grave, this is being buried alive with all the misery on top of it.
In short, we know those sorrows for the human being.
Anyone who does not know them and has something to say about them, just has to experience the first thing for himself.
You now know how improbable you are yourself.
René felt it.
He did not want to leave, even if he did not realise that his father and I were taking him away.
I wept the best tears within me which I will weep in this life, I believe.
I was so sick about it.
However, on the way he already became peaceful.
Suddenly we saw another child.
He is interested in everything, talks very ordinary.
Karel says: look at that.
I saw it.
Having arrived at the institution, he sank back again, but there is a change and a change remained.
We assess things.
There are about sixty boys together.
There are psychopaths.
The rest vary from half-conscious, unconscious and those, what I can make of it, who are crazy.
René is one of them, he is also crazy, the fifty percent which has to give him social consciousness is on the run and is talking about thousands of things.
Karel is an old friend of the doctor in charge.
It could not be better.
This man will do everything for René.
That goes without saying and it is a great support to Erica and Anna.
When René saw all those boys, he became afraid.
The situation was discussed briefly.
I still hear Erica’s frightening scream reaching me, when she interpreted her feelings as a mother for her child!
That ‘Oh, Frederik, our René is going away!’ chills me to the bone.
I can now tell her everything about it and I know that it brings some relief.
We go back home.
René can no longer see us, he is in the hands of a nurse.
We drive past fields and roads, we look at Holland’s prosperity.
The cows there in the meadow, we look at all that tremendously beautiful green, those colours, that scenic possession, which pleases your eyes and your heart.
I do not talk to Karel, he is totally depressed by it.
However, I hear:
"You would for heaven's sake ... wrench a tree from the ground here and there in order to inject your child with the sap to cure it, if you did not know that it does not help at all."
I said: "Cow’s milk is even better, but if you see before your eyes that it just goes sour anyway?
René does not like cheese, we have known that for so long.
What do you want?’
‘First of all, half a litre of gin, Frederik.
Then we will see again.’
We stop and have two drinks.
Then we continue.
We think, we think a lot.
It is one thing, one life, one heart, which we love so very much because it is not its own master.
Oh, little René!
Karel does not think about everything for long, because he has something to say again.
I hear again:
‘There I am, Frederik.
I am a doctor now.
Would I not have been better to have stayed with the cows and horses?
I would have known less about it, would have had less pains, now I could tear the hair from my head.
I think that I will stop it now.
Can you believe it?’
‘No, I don’t believe that.
What do you want?
To ask God for even more misery?’
‘Are you trying to kid me that you believe in that?’
‘It happens that a human being sometimes says something which he does not believe himself and which in spite of that is a comfort.
You do not go upwards amidst your tears?
What do you want?
I tell you, soon we will smoke the peace pipe.
I shall release another dove, perhaps, you never know.’
‘What are you talking about now?
Release a peace dove?’
‘I am worrying so much for my part, Karel.
If a dove like that rises up, it has to fetch the answer in the shape of a green branch.
Well, I sent a dove like that away, with greetings for Him, in order to send our little René back to us healthy and well as soon as possible.’
Karel laughed and I get to hear:
‘You are incorrigible.
Come on, I will stop for a moment.
No, we will go straight home, the women are waiting.’
Then he suddenly says, just like that and completely unexpected, at least to me:
‘Frederik, would Anna not be a good wife for you? Is she not a little gem for your life, soul and bliss?’
‘Good grief, what a fright you give me.’
‘Does that give you a fright?
I think that you two are the nicest couple in this world.
What do you think?
You can still get married.
You can make her completely happy.
I wanted to tell you before how terribly nice Anna is.
I am taken, but I tell you, if I should be left alone, I would take Anna.
What a woman she is, Frederik.
What a soul really, if you follow her like that in everything, one in a million.
Well then?’
‘I told you already that you give me a fright.’
‘Do you not have any blood any more in your ribs, Frederik?’
‘I do not believe – and you should know that for sure – that blood flows through our ribs.
However, I understand you.
However, then you will have lost her, Karel.’
‘No, never that, we shall buy a big house, you live upstairs and we downstairs.
Everything will continue ... I would only like to see you married to Anna.
I would like that for you, Frederik, and for Anna as well.
Then I am certain that we can never lose you again.
I will take care of everything.
If you like, I shall serve at the table, I want to do everything for you.
Erica as well!
I know.
She also once mentioned it namely when we had all been through the mill by René.
She said: ‘Karel?’ and was immediately silent again, so that I asked: ‘What is it?’
We were sitting alone in the room, Frederik, and I looked just as dumbfounded as you just did.
Then she said:
‘Karel, what would you say to my idea.
Anna and Frederik married.’
She adds: ‘For heaven’s sake, do not think that I distrust those faithful souls, you could already sully them by only one thought.
God preserve me!
No, I mean it.
I love Anna and Frederik so very much, that I wish them all the best and all the luck in this world.’
‘Well, Frederik?’
‘You have scared me, Karel.
I cannot even think about it, do you believe me?’
‘Why not?
It is the most simple matter in the world, isn’t it?
You are an angel to Anna.
She does not hide that under a bushel, we have known that for so long.
Why do you not want that for her?
I bet that she will be beside herself with joy.
Give yourself that happiness, Frederik.
Do it ... you will make us and René happy with it.
What do you think?’
‘I find your suggestion supernatural, Karel.’
‘How old are you actually Frederik?’
‘You would like that.
But, joking aside?’
‘Thirty-seven, Karel.’
‘Good grief, you are behaving just like Erica.
Come on, Frederik, what age are you?’
‘Forty-one, Karel.’
Now I need a drink, it is your fault.’
We just have one and carry on.
Karel is silent for a while and comes back to the subject.
‘I bet you are fifty ...
Am I off the mark?’
‘You are far off the mark, Karel.
I already told you, thirty-seven.’
Karel gives up.
He knows of something else and something even nicer for us.
‘If you do that, Frederik, I firmly believe that we will all meet again.
I hope so for Anna.
Do you believe us?’
‘I believe you.’
‘But say something.’
‘I already did, Karel.
Do you not know that you must not touch upon such things with me?
You make me as shy as a child.’
‘I believe you, Frederik.
That I didn’t think of that.
It is true, you are unspoiled in these matters.
Have you really not received anything from life, not experienced anything, never tasted this pudding, Frederik?’
‘You are busy imitating René.
He said that word at least ten times a day.
However, I am now over it, Karel, and I will answer you.
I am the type of Anna’s reincarnation.
We still have to be born.
That’s it.
I am certainly no saint.
I have seen the world.
I have been in all the big cities of this good earth and looked precisely at what was forbidden and enjoyed it.
I ate from the forbidden fruit, Karel, yet when I tasted how sour that thing was, I went on the run.’
Karel laughs and asks: continue.
‘Yet you try a nice little apple like that again.
I saw that the worms had gnawed at it, on the outside incredibly beautiful, on the inside you bite into a fat worm.
When I got a taste of it, yuck ... what a stench it had.’
‘But you are not trying to say that there is a worm like that in Anna?’
‘I know that little apple, Karel, it is a peach.
Even nicer, more loving, believe me, but if the fear is in your knees?
If you think that you mean no longer anything for another life?
If you ... well whatever ... if you know, if you are upstairs and downstairs, you feel homely and yet sit in the woods and actually live in everything, if everything starts to speak to you, everything kisses you, caresses you, tells you about life and death, if you walk in sandals, snow-white, silvery, you only then come to and you eat and drink with a love, which is supernatural?
Try sharing that with another life, Karel.
Give a little of all those beautiful things to a tree, a flower, to a fish in the water, a dog or a cat.
Give a little to the Sun, Moon and Stars, because it is they which kiss you, love you, want to marry you?
Then, Karel, you are faced with a love which you burst, suffocate from, cannot get enough of, which can only be experienced by yourself.
If only I knew, if only I could, if only I was capable of it, Karel ...
Oh, believe me, Anna is capable, but I cannot.
I have to split myself and I can no longer do that.
I really feel twenty-four.
How old do I look?’
‘No kidding, Karel.’
‘I mean it, you do not look older and you are not even that.’
‘Well then, that is because I am so happy.
If I share that, I will be completely out of it."
"What do you live off, Frederik?"
‘A little secret, Karel.’
You can’t fool me.
What do you think?
Will we have the honour of being able to crown you?’
‘Perhaps in about thirty years’ time.’
‘Do you mean that?’
‘Really, I am not cheating you.
I am thirty-two, Karel.’
‘I think I understand you, Frederik.
I do not understand all of it, but I can sense you.
A real woman is closer to you, after all, Frederik.
Can that not be divided?
However, you are rather poetic.
You have a childish soul and we have to take that into account.
Don’t we?’
‘If you wish to see it like that, Karel, we will go a long way.
I love Anna.
But whether I can be divided?
Is my life worth sharing?
I would like to put Anna under a bell jar, yes I would like to do anything in order to see her happy.
She really deserves it, Karel, but is it really so simple?
I know what you would want, I myself often thought about giving her a kiss from my life, but then you are faced with the rest.
As a man of my word, I am then immediately obliged to offer myself, which she is worth, but which I cannot do just like that.
I actually walk in a completely different world, Karel, I am here and I am not here!
This is why I can understand René, also Anna, actually take care of all of you.
I want it, but I cannot do it!’
We think, Karel is frowning.
How well they mean for us.
He says again:
‘But you can overcome it, Frederik.
How many people of your kind have already proved it.
It is worthwhile.
I want it for Anna and I want it for you ... especially now.
You are more of a father and mother than we are.
Give us that happiness.
Think about it, try to sort it out with yourself.
It does not matter how long it takes you, you will never leave us.
As long as you know that.
Without you we can no longer live.
We would fall and be faced with murder and manslaughter!
Don’t you know that?’
‘Thank you, Karel.’
‘I am sometimes difficult, but you know me.
We do not need to talk about that.
We understand each other.
I am telling you again, Frederik: think about it.
If you cannot do it, which I don’t understand, then that is that.
However, look at Anna, and tears will roll down your cheeks.
I already thought about looking for something good for her.
I really do not know why.
It suddenly occurred to me and then I saw you pottering about in the house.
How can it be, I thought, that is the right man for Anna!
Do you think it is silly?’
‘No, not at all, but I shall think about it.’
We continue.
Karel has awakened something which had gone to sleep again for me.
I do not know what it is, but I can feel it.
Anna is a gem!
Anna possesses everything!
What not even a thousand women possess, you see in Anna.
Anna is spring!
She is amazing!
But ... I am a split person!
I am married to everything and everyone.
Do you know that, Frederik?
We continue and are almost home.
‘How did it go?
How is René, Karel?
How is René, Frederik?
How is ...’
‘Just have a cry first’, Karel utters, ‘then we shall tell you everything.
First coffee.’
We sit together, Karel tells.
Once they know all about it, a silence falls.
We sit like that for an hour, it is quiet.
Karel opens a bottle of wine.
Anna also drinks more than she ever did before.
We have another bottle, another one, we are dying of thirst, our hearts are rattling, all the systems of the human being require some, a sip, we are so boiling hot inside.
You hear nothing else but sssssss’t inside, like drops on a red-hot plate.
Again silence, thinking, thinking, until approximately three o’clock in the night.
Then the first word came.
From Anna, who says:
‘They have taken away my child and that is also the chils of Erica.
When will we get our child back?’
I jump up and call:
‘Do you now want to destroy what we all want to live and die for?
For shame, Anna, do you long for a beating?
Do you need a beating?
In this way you divide your great love for René.
Anyone who does that, Anna, suffers poverty, he waits every second and never gets anything nice.
He waits always, even if you get hearts for nothing ... what is that love like?
You succumb as a result of it.
How do you wish to love, if you cannot support it?
What is this love worth?
Go into nature, follow the life of a flower.
When I was in the country with Sientje, the animal gave me everything!
Everything ... Can you feel that love?
Can you feel that bearing?
I think differently about it and say: cheers, little René, to your health.
I am going to send him my thoughts, my love, and that will help him.
Oh, I know how you feel for your child.
I also love him, but differently.
Nevertheless, I wish you happiness.
Chin up, especially now, we ourselves have nothing to say about our happiness.
Can you not feel your heart beating?
Does all of this mean nothing to you?
Strength and happiness ... cheers again!’
Anna already bows her head, but Karel now knows that it is not so easy for me to divide my life.
Yet, did you see that darling?
Oh, that Anna ...
Oh, what a beautiful soul.
Simply a miracle.
It becomes four o’clock in the morning, we are still sitting together.
We have discussed the pro’s and con’s and now know that the four of us will support this life.
One person after another staggered all those months through this house, we now have to make sure we make something of it, but with our heads held high.
Knees buckled, one person after another was destroyed, started to see life better as a result of suffering and sorrow and now feels that we have to make each other happy.
I now only hear inner whispering.
Yet I understand those words ... one by one we say: little René has gone, but he will come back to us.
We all know that there is a telepathic bond, which unites us, cements us together, when Erica says:
‘Little René will get better ...
Little René is a genius ...
Isn’t he, Frederik?’
I thought about it, Erica interprets my words, my thoughts, soon we no longer need to say anything, but then we walk in sandals and we wear beautiful garments.
Isn’t it amazing?
Then we went upstairs and slept until twelve o’clock in the morning ... half the day gone.
Karel, who had got three days off from his employer, made the most of it.
When we awoke a shroud fell over our eyes.
We were missing something, but all called out at the same time: thank God, he is still alive!
He is still alive, and were as happy as children.
I admit it ... tears flowed freely ... and I was not ashamed of it.
Then I wrote in the logbook:
I have to be honest and not keep secrets about myself.
I love children.
That seems very simple ... but I continue.
Imagine that I had left behind my own flesh and blood there!
I would like to have a child of my own.
I start to feel what it means to be able to carry your world materially interpreted in your arms, to be able to kiss, to be able to see it as a part of yourself.
Am I worth it?
Imagine, Frederik, to have to miss that completely.
A story suddenly occurs to me ... also from a human friend.
However, I do not awaken it and do not give away the secret ... it is so precious.
It comes down to the fact that he had to leave his child behind.
How could he do that as a father?
However, people could not have bought that life from him for all the millions in the world.
What is money?
Only life is important.
I stood next to him when he, as a strong personality, took off.
My God, how he was beaten ...
Now I am starting to feel what your own flesh and blood means.
I start to long for a child of my own.
Did Karel awaken that in me?
How awe-inspiring that love is!
I cannot bear thinking about it, yet it attaches itself to my life.
René has gone!
But he has not gone!
I hope to see him again between heaven and earth.
My life is asked the question what I want!
I already know ... I am and will remain in this fix!
God, my God, I will not leave him alone!
Love will triumph, a friend later told me, but at that moment he left it behind him and in other hands!
It is like this!
Anna will just have to wait.
They would not understand me even if I was to explain it to them in exact detail.
This is incomprehensible, but it lives in me and in him, little René!
I have to help him.
I will help him.
That does not tolerate any division, any other movement of feeling or whatever it is.
First I am starting my work.
However, haven’t I been proved right?
Did I not already see this years ago?
Did it not come to us as a familiar ghost?
This is why it does not break me, does not touch me.
However, I shall have to work for it, all of us.
I now have the reins in my hands.
Chin up, I wish you strength.
Lets us see?
As a result of an infallible certainty, I could already say how he is.
We will have to be without him for approximately three years.
That is too long.
There will be times when he weakens a bit, but which is less painful, very normal, and then we will see him at home for a quick visit.
Just like that, for a visit.
Erica will then want to have him at home, so will Anna and Karel, but then I have to talk.
And I will talk!
About three years ... about three years, I think, I feel, it will take, but we will not have made it yet.
No, when he is between about seventeen and eighteen, by trial and error, to the awakening for soul and spirit and material.
I still see him as a spiritual child prodigy!
The dove has come back.
In its nice little beak a letter for Frederik.
It is going well ... you will hear it soon.
Truly, a moment later the bell rings and Karel races downstairs.
He storms upstairs.
René is doing well, Frederik, he had a good sleep.
It will be fine.
I believe it in my heart.
That little dove.
Do you know, how such a little creature acts for Noah?
Of course, you are thinking I am talking nonsense.
How can you think that, making fun of such a serious matter?
They are your own feelers.
Because you get qualities which are more conscious than all those thousands of others, you start to sense things more deeply.
You now experience them!
You now build up a little creature like that for yourself and let it fly.
You give it authority, the desires of yourself!
Exactly that which you want to know and feel, to which you are open, would like to get to know.
Can you feel the school, this development?
That all happens of its own accord.
You send such a child into space for an answer.
I am telling you honestly: I have already sent hundreds of thousands of them into the world and this space, this is the first one which came back to me.
Oh, how wonderful it is!
Just when all of us need a push, how happy I am!
You see from the little creature whether you are any good yourself and send out wrong thoughts.
You know exactly whether the little creature reacts, you get to know the capacity, the personality of it and you really grow to love it.
You start to see the garment, everything, and you think that you will get the whole universe in your pocket sooner or later.
I saw one coming back which walked.
I had given it stilts which were already capable of coming back to me.
But how?
The little creature took approximately twenty years to do it, it was a long way.
This creature had completely worn out the stilts and yet it came back to me.
All unreal?
Do you not believe that people like us will possess wings one day?
I looked behind the ruins in ancient Egypt.
I saw birds flying there, I still do!
A modern Egyptologist is looking for that, after all.
Or do those people not exist?
I know, he goes to pieces, it is so simple.
My God, how can it be?
I got one animal to fly!
It is amazing!
I shall decorate her, because it is a she!
Males do not come back to you so quickly.
They see too much on the way.
They have their own will and you have to conquer it.
The mother creatures clings to your heart, your circulation, your love.
These little wings will become even more beautiful, I am starting to see that.
Only then will she be able to fly in the universe, to experience it, to bring me the cosmic answer, as far as I believe, a message from Our Lord!
Now I tune into the health of René, and she tells me all about it.
She is receiving!
However, for me, it is me who works out what it is.
Now I have already lost the feeling of possessing my own child.
That powerful longing has gone to sleep again.
I see again how amazing everything is.
Karel was here a moment ago and gave me the message about René.
He looks at me and sees that I am sitting at my logbook.
He asks me for the first time:
‘What are you actually doing, Frederik?
What are you actually writing?
Are you busy with a book?’
That is Karel.
I said:
‘Look, what a fright you gave me again.
What makes you suddenly think that?
You see, that is the way people like us are.
You saw me all that time from behind your mask.
You stood next to me, we live in one house, you look, but you see nothing.
It is true that you say you cannot do without me, Karel, but you do not even know that I am here.
Is it not pitiful?
Are conscious people like us not deaf and dumb?
Not backward?
Are you trying to say that you know, see everything about your own life?
And everything about me?
Are you trying to kid me, Karel, that you will soon miss René?
That you will die from this misery?
Don’t you feel that we cheat each other in everything?
However, what do you want to know?
I am keeping the logbook, Karel.
We are making a world trip.
At the moment we are just outside the jungle, but we went through the wilds.
We are sitting here having a rest.
Over there a wide river flows, you can see a beautiful landscape, it is amazing, it completely knocks out your human personality, you feel like a nonentity in this whole.
We went through the wilds, we saw bears and snakes, scorpions as well, we heard the jackal!
It rained, stormed, oh, what a journey it is.
The snakes behaved as if they had human qualities and squeezed your throat.
You are bitten from front and behind, they were bloody wounds, but did you not see the first-aid box?
Did the doctors not bandage you expertly?
Just ask Erica, she knows!
No later than a fortnight after the birth of René we set off.
I mapped out that journey for her, but have not heard a word about it.
Yet she travels together with us, just like Anna, all of us together.
I have been appointed to act as captain.
You stoke.
You are the stoker of this ship.
Because we left home with a beautiful boat.
Did you see all those colours, Karel?’
‘May I read it, Frederik?’
‘No, I think not until we are home.
However, that will be a very long time, Karel, do not forget that we are going round the world.’
Karel races to Erica and I hear him ask – I have to hear it:
‘Do you know, Erica, that we are making a world trip and that Frederik is keeping a logbook?’
I hear kissing ... and that pleases me.
Oh, that does me good.
Anna also gets her kisses from Erica.
They devour each other!
They may do it, I will watch out for all the danger.
Karel calls to me:
‘Say, Frederik, is there something wrong with my stoking?
Just say so.
Have we had many complaints?
Are we doing our best, Frederik?
If there are wild animals, will you warn me?
I beg you, don’t stop, continue, that will be a beautiful description. However, remember that you are taking the heart out of a human being’s ribs.’
We sail on.
The times which are behind us now, were the worst.
Even those we managed.
A great deal of jackals were felled.
How those animals stink.
I prefer to deal with brown bears and a snake is okay as well, you have to get to know those animals.
When you know them, consider them to be your friends.
You simply sit at the table with them, you share everything together.
It should be like that, but people do not yet understand that.
The rebelliousness of René was no different ... I now know ... than the development for the physical.
The soul now suffocated, it had been affected in a bad way.
He as the personality lost himself as a result.
Therefore rocking towards another time.
Thank you, my dove!
That talk about sexual matters ... comes to him ... because he absorbs that filth.
If we older people had not been so bad, the child would have had nothing to nibble on.
We are to blame for all that misery; we, the millions of people who live on earth, and the child copies it.
Of course, the soul had to be susceptible to it, but we are now looking for that.
You are either in harmony socially or you are not.
Those are all those conscious and unconscious crazy people.
René has already had his share.
We are not nearly there; peace now reigns in the house here!
Now it is the turn for that emptiness.
When he went, put his feet over the threshold of this house, I felt an emptiness entering me.
It was as if something great flowed from my life and disappeared with René.
I thought about it.
Now I know that this is our contact, our life, they are our souls.
He has gone, but he cannot be gone, he still has to be here.
That is now prevented by my dove.
The little creature nestles in René’s heart.
That is me.
René has already had his doves on the run and flying since he was a baby, so that I can count on us not losing each other.
Before I called this ‘telepathy’, now it has become to me a ‘universal unity’ with a human being.
And if that develops, becomes stronger, I will be there, he will be here, he will not be alone in and in front of his struggle, but if we go one way, if we experience one life, we will do exactly what the apostles of Christ got, received: it is loving!
It is suffering, serving. You get one revelation after the other, if we succeed.
However, we have already succeeded, otherwise I would not have felt this effect.
I now fill up this emptiness.
It is obvious that the space which separates us ... has to be experienced by him and me.
I feel that.
I have known for so long how we should do that.
That’s right, little René, we are going to sleep again!
Oh, good heavens, what a lot I am learning today.
I have not lost you, on the contrary, I now get you back more beautiful, more intimate even, with everything which you have to give me.
Everything is material growth!
The rest is spiritual awakening.
For soul, spirit and life!
Life, soul, spirit, material ... well, well, is all of this to be seen in one world?
For this I want to live and die, if it is allowed, I do not want to make any mistakes.
Life gave René effect ...
The soul feels ...
The spirit has another task, the material as the body closes off this Divine product.
Every part has its own door, which can be opened by people like us, but for which He has the key.
It is quite enough for today.
Hans and Hansi ... it says.
We have not seen them again recently.
The evening that they were here, there was no contact, that had nothing to do with friendship.
Hansi was consciously occupied with removing Hans from us.
She is managing it!
Hans falls for it!
Hans does not understand, at least he no longer understands, what friendship is.
He is under her influence and does what she tells him.
Hansi is already busy destroying Hans.
If you approve of that as a human being, allow that another personality forces you to sully the love of your own possession, of your friends, then you are weak.
Now your mask falls and we see that, when it comes to it, you cannot count on Hans.
We have known that for such a long time already.
We can all make excuses.
You see again ...
Hansi, it is his love, it breaks the good.
That is digging a grave for yourself, because I believe that the good will triumph anyway!
Hans is now a mop, a doormat, on which she wipes her feet.
Yet he is such an academic.
He calls himself a psychologist.
He does not even see what is going on.
Hansi sat here like a sphinx, but a transparent one, one which you can find in the gutters.
I called that market consciousness.
It costs you nothing.
It is scandalously cheap.
It is for sale, but people do not look at it.
Hans bought a ship for it, he headed for home packed and loaded up.
Everything will soon go overboard.
This sphinx is a born slut.
She has animal airs and graces, which you can see on her garment, on her lips, in her eyes: you can see it in her posture.
Creepy ...
Oh, I love animals.
I am waiting for that.
Hans killed?
He will soon forget her.
I bet all I have, that this will only last a few months.
What I heard in passing about it already points in that direction.
Karel had heard something.
Erica as well, people come and tell you at home.
Peter is a fraud, little René?
What a strange crazy person you are ...
Absorb more of all these things, dear ...
Millions of people will give you their flowers for it.
She wants to go out.
She wants to have fun ... but the good core of Hans will not swallow that for long.
She wants to go to Paris, London, New York, but Hans has an institution, which was created from the good core and for which he received his life.
That will save him!
That will also be the end of his flight ... his love affair ... but I see him as a vagabond, he looks so scruffy.
Did you see that beggar?
Great things throw their shadows in the future.
Unreal things still mess around close to the ground.
Hans is a gentleman ... for seventy-five percent, the rest is busy getting to know himself.
That pudding does not taste good to him.
However, I shall wait and see, because it will come.
He will not act the slave for long, he will not accept any deception, not him!
I go for a walk.
Nature helps me.
I am going to prepare my dove to fly.
I have to talk to her life.
See you soon ...