Frederik ... what do you think of my Hansi?

WE have meanwhile aged by a month.
We have treated the everyday things according to what we were able to learn and we managed to keep peace and quiet in the house.
That is not so simple when you have a fool in the house, yet we may not complain.
René changes by the hour.
We think that we know him, at least Erica and Anna think that they are able to take care of the child themselves, thanks to their experience.
When I add my bit, Anna says we will make it.
I have to say that it is okay!
Drawing, painting, and behaving like a deaf and dumb person are the material and spiritual phenomena.
Now and again he potters about the house, but then the three of us watch over the life; it can suddenly happen that he takes hold of something and throws it to smithereens.
That is the sensation, the unexpected, which makes you call out: where did this suddenly come from!
How can it be.
What do you think of it, Frederik?
I am slowly becoming a professor.
Karel is no longer needed here.
When psychological phenomena are present, I have to give Karel a lecture, because even if he does not react to anything, his curiosity remains.
Sometimes I draw him out, because I want to prove that it is the case, for later.
This is again a feeling which I cannot justify, the foundations of which I do not know, but there is an urge within me to do it.
So I do it.
I was able to accept several times that I had felt correctly.
It also happens when I am busy with my diary.
Then words and things appear, which I could not have thought up myself.
I let myself go completely.
There are words which I could never use, because they appear so cold and meaningless.
For example, I do not like coarse words ... and yet, when I follow the pages, that bothers me.
Does this mean anything?
I am starting to think that there is a pattern in everything, a meaning.
You have that even with the most trivial things.
I therefore let myself go.
It is an urge which consciously pushes your inner life one way and which is capable, I believe, of making the nerves and muscular systems of the organism work, of which the life is of course a part, which, however, your brains have nothing to do with.
At least, I suspect that.
I will discover later whether this is the case.
I am now very sure indeed ...
I see a rising line in my thoughts and in my writing.
Slowly but surely we are heading for other times.
I think it is a pity to obscure the absolute truth by a nice word.
People like us must not pretend to be different from what we are.
I could consult a dictionary in order to look for poetic words, but I feel that I am busy thinking and writing down for myself what I get or what I am compelled to do as a result of the circumstances.
I think that it is precisely the event which writes itself ... later then, if I were to achieve making a complete whole of it.
I think that each action, each event, has its own style and word choice, which it considers necessary.
It does not want anything different, because we would see a mask again.
We see enough masks.
Don’t we?
Yes, Frederik, we do!
In addition, I have become convinced that René is not dirty, is not cursed with sexual inclinations.
It is the growth- and blossoming process, so far as I now agree with Karel.
This month I saw that the boy thinks about everything.
He just wants to know everything about himself and his castle.
If he knows everything about it for the moment, he no longer thinks about it.
You have to accept that every day takes the life to another awakening.
Now I no longer have any more worries about the puberty years, I know for certain that he will also make it through that, even if there will be other phenomena just like now.
All his life will become a phenomenon, because this is and will remain something different.
Were there more children like this?
Have the doctors not known the phenomena and thus smothered the ‘genius’?
That is very probable.
However, I do not know.
To me he is still a spiritual miracle.
We have grown a bit older, we have used this time to give ourselves a rest for later, when sir will start again.
There can be no question of going to school.
That is therefore a great disappointment.
He is not learning anything now.
I just hope that that will still be possible, otherwise I do not know what to think of it.
You cannot set a table on a tree, give a large dinner party, everything rolls off.
For this purpose you must go to a sawmill and then to a joiner.
It is exactly the same with René, people like us are no different ... if he learns nothing, how will this life reveal itself then?
You have to learn words, a language; however simple they may be, it is necessary.
Or you will remain stupid and unsuitable for society.
This is a lack, life stands still.
It is our social conscious for that human existence.
What will become of such a life?
What can all those lunatics do?
Nothing ... and look, we are thinking about this.
It is the suffering of Karel, Anna and Erica.
The gossip for people in the street, slander.
It is not slander, stupidity, it is the mask.
But our poor René.
Yet ... when I thought about all these things until deep in the night, the conscious feeling entered me that this would also be okay.
You have phenomena, you were allowed to lay foundations ...
René will make it!
I thought about everything during this month.
I saw thousands of masks.
I compared all those shapes with René.
As a result of this I make progress.
A drunk man gets a different mask, when he loses the social balance because of his drinking and blows up his personality.
The man changes in a short time.
I know from experience how remarkably a mask is built up.
When I went out with my friends, I was approximately eighteen years old, and we experienced our evenings, we had great fun about Jan Hoog who, when he had drunk a few beers, started to act as a priest.
It is a wonder that I had not thought of this before.
As a result of this I would have been able to make an amazing comparison with regard to René and Erica and all those other women, who wrote to me.
Jan Hoog got the airs and graces of a priest because of his beers.
He kept wanting to bless you and make you as holy as possible.
I spent hours analysing this life, but I could not.
Now it gets through to me that Jan was sent amazing feelings from his life.
They had to be there anyway, had to belong to his subconscious, otherwise they would never reach the daily conscious self. Jan got sacredness through a beer.
He preached for you.
He definitely wanted it, and sometimes it became so unbearable that you said confession to him.
We wanted him to have his fun.
You will understand that we laughed about it, that the public, all the men and women who enjoyed fun like us, roared with laughter, the whole thing was so funny.
Table clothes were needed to be a man of the cloth.
He said mass ... when he went too far then we rapped his fingers.
Jan experienced this bustle so consciously, to him it was a life task.
We sometimes had difficulty getting him back to reality.
For this purpose we took him outside and nature took care of the rest.
Another friend longed for nice things, of course, and especially for beautiful women.
He reached other thoughts and feelings through his beer, different from the thoughts the rest of the world is open to.
Another got inclinations towards art.
He suddenly became a painter.
He started to paint landscapes before your eyes, which were a pleasure to behold.
Those invisible paintings got consciousness.
You saw them.
He became Rembrandt, painted the Nightwatch and many other famous masters were interpreted by him in this condition.
Another one became a sports teacher.
How that man could jump and where did he get that strength from!
It usually started with arm wrestling: who is the strongest.
He always won it in his condition, but only through his beer.
I wondered later how we possess all those thoughts.
I started to reflect as a result of alcohol.
Something changed within me, which took me to a silence.
I am not afraid, but that silence is frightening.
I know exactly how many glasses of wine I have to drink if I want to enter into that condition.
Then I look like a ghost.
I have no longer a face, I am depressed.
I start to feel suffering and sorrow, the misery of this world rests on my shoulders then.
I have none of what the others possess.
I become silent, another person makes a fuss about nothing.
One acts as a saint, wants to change the world and humanity as a result of his drinking, I am no longer able to help myself, that’s how it hits me.
This is the effect of alcohol on my being and systems.
Just analyse this, just compare this to René and Erica and all other mothers?
I did not want to continue it, because I did not see its foundation.
However, I continue thinking ...
It has now taken possession of my personality.
I saw other masks.
They are lying in the gutter in the street.
It is the grocer, your baker, your landlord, your husband, your wife, your friend, your child as well.
You are deceived by all those people.
They stand in front of you, listen to your talking, say yes and no and think that you are a strange person.
People wear masks.
You are placed in front of those masks every second of your life, you are deceived every second consciously and unconsciously under your very nose.
Men and women cheat each other, even if they reach the most sacred things, the wonderful event as a result of which you yourself came into this world.
You also see the masks there!
Our society is dirty, rotten, sensitive children behave strange as a result of it.
Just look at those ribbons ... ugh, mother, do you allow those to grow?
I said all of this to myself, but I do not want anything to do with it.
If had to analyse the problems of it, then my life would be too short in order to follow all those things and to give them a place in the logbook.
There is so much which goes against the true being and the life which a person has to be according to Divine Creation!
Isn’t there?
There is no justice.
If you have money, you can keep yourself out of prison, even if you deserve twenty years or life.
You can do everything with money.
I do not want to say a word about it, it is generally known that our society wears a mask, which makes you tremble and which you cannot yet change a thing about.
People, how can it be, like it.
Good things are attacked, people love evil.
Did you see those ears?
They would walk for hours to see them!
Should I know?
Do not talk!
Now you can see that chap as well!
People want chaos!
That has nothing to do with my world and what we experience.
However, it exists!
As a result of my friend’s beer I got to see another mask.
We also see the same thing before birth as well, if you just watch out.
Erica is intellectual, Karel as well, but they bring a fool into the world, about whom I say that he is a spiritual child prodigy.
The whore from a while ago, delightful triplets.
Three guesses, why?
Why, how can it be!
Yet it is the sacred truth.
However, what a mask it is.
Where did it begin and where does it end?
We travelled quite a bit and will make it.
If we just have patience.
I thought about thousands of things this month and I may say, not in vain.
I have become wiser as a result of it.
Later, when we manage to have a conversation face-to-face, as Erica experienced that, it escapes me.
That happens of its own accord.
It was born in me, it corrects itself in me and I am in growth and bloom.
If that is my soul, then I know what I will look like later and to which life degree I really belong, if we wish to speak of supernatural consciousness.
Tonight we have to go to Hans.
Hans has come to visit us with his Hansi.
What will become of this?
I do not wish to think about it yet.
None of us say anything about it, we are careful, we do not want to say a word about it beforehand.
What Hansi is like!
What do you think of Hansi?
I will hear that tomorrow or this evening when we are at home, but I believe that I already have my judgement ready.
The castle of Hans is ready; Peter, his servant, takes care of everything.
That is Hans’ lackey, whom I also dislike.
I am afraid of Peter.
I do not understand that Hans named his beautiful horse after this life.
I truly thought that his grandfather was called that, but that is not the case.
Peter is called after Peter the lackey, his butler.
I do not trust his butler.
Peter is too servient.
I have never seen such servitude before.
I am not saying anything about real servitude, but it is not Peter!
I maintain that and I am as sure of it as two times two equals four, even if there are also academics who think differently about that as well, but not it becomes the universal imagery, it is strange behaviour!
They are now faced with their scientific possession.
Our learning and wisdom.
After all, it is of this world.
Who tells us that two times two is four for the universe?
Who tells us that the sun is feminine?
No one knows!
Who is trying to kid us that Einstein sees a square table as round?
I believe in this person, because I am starting to understand what he wants.
I see ‘dimensional worlds’!
Those for our cats and dogs as well and in addition those for nature and for people like us.
A person is ‘dimensional’.
René, for example.
He lives in it, and it also lives in us; it is every cat, every animal!
Or I believe we would never get any further, or higher!
We would then be standing still!
That is not possible!
What you will later meet in that world as material or spirit, or soul, are phenomena which show themselves as inner worlds to the daily consciousness.
How beautiful it is to be allowed to think about this.
That all ran after Peter and I picked it up exactly on time in order to think about it and give it a place in my inner album.
But did you see that chap?
It is not the small hat of the devil, but everything is now spherical and universally deep.
The smallest insect is now universally deep, is a universal independence.
Oh, it is amazing and yet so conscious, you can understand, feel, think about all of it, if you are just separate from yourself, the harsh part!
I suddenly feel that is how it is.
I suddenly know that René is already capable of speaking shortly as a result of my reflections; it does not matter how it will happen, as long as it happens.
Then I no longer pay any attention to all these troubles, because it will be okay anyway.
However, I do not like Peter.
Another hour and we will see his heavenly cake, Hans’ pudding, his love.
It will be an intimate party, but I know that all the friends will be there.
What academics shall I meet again.
I sat down, first in my room, then René drew me towards him.
‘What is the matter, darling?
How are you?’
No answer.
I am standing in front of him, he is lying in his cot.
I sit down to look at this life.
Unexpectedly he asks very consciously:
‘Who is Hans, Uncle Frederik? ... where you are now going.
Someone from our family?
What do father and mother have to do with him?
And you, Uncle Frederik?
And who is Peter?
I know that as well ...
When are we going horse-riding?
Why did father sell the horses?
When we will go to the country house?
Why ... why!’
I got a fright.
Suddenly I stood still in my thoughts, then he also stood still and the why and why started?
What does he know about Karel’s longing?
There was never a word said about it.
René, I quickly reflected, was still to be born then.
Transfer of thoughts?
I believe so!
The child sucks me empty.
He gets Peter out of me.
I know a lot, but I do not yet know everything about this life.
It tells me that, if the academics know this, I will be blamed for bringing René under my influence.
I will then be the guilty party, be guilty of everything, all his thoughts and all his talk, because I am looking for it.
However, that is not true!
I started this research when Erica lost herself.
I started it when I saw this misery.
I know, but the academics will think differently about it and it will be their footing.
How dangerous it is.
I now know that I can help René, as I helped her before her time.
All of this sounds like a warning, I believe that I am enjoying a preparation.
We have a contact, we are tuned and adapted to each other, there is no more to it.
It is true!
Karel and the learned gentlemen, it is not any other way!
Anyone who associates with pitch will be tarred by it.
That is all very well, but I have put on a nice leather jacket.
René as well!
We contaminate each other, but the street on which we are walking looks really fine.
You have to wear sandals for it to walk over it.
Or you will stick to it.
We are now busy bringing the sandals and the street into harmony with each other, so that it will become a firm background for our legs and our lives, for here and a bit further on.
Or is this also a mask for me?
Imagine that René did not take Peter out of my life.
Then what?
Now what?
Where did René get Peter from?
What did he actually ask me?
I have already forgotten.
I think for a moment.
He pretends to be sleeping, but he is not.
He is thinking as I do, we are one.
He thinks too much.
Who is that man Hans?
Does he know Hans?
He has seen Hans here several times.
Hans and Karel were taking a treatment.
There is Hans, but Peter?
Did Hans mention Peter here?
I do not think so.
What is it?
When I am this far, he also says:
‘When you are that far, Uncle Frederik, watch out for Peter.’
What a boy.
He sinks into his pillows and I wonder how all of this is possible.
He is in perfect health, but you cannot depend on him for a minute.
Look, he says:
‘Do animals have thoughts like us, Uncle Frederik?
So they go to prison if they steal?
Do they put their children to bed, do they not have a bath first, like mother?
Are they cakes from Our Lord?
Why do you not speak?
Are we going out with Sientje tomorrow?
May I sit on your horse?
Uncle Frederik, I will buy one myself.
I do not need your horse!
I do not need anything!
I have everything!
You have nothing!
I do not like you, I will get you and Anna as well.
I will get all of you.
Hans as well!
Peter as well!
I will tell Marja.
You’d like that, wouldn’t you?’
His mouth is shut, his eyes flicker for a moment, then peace follows again.
Good heavens, how can it be!
He knows about my Sientje?
He knows my horse?
What goes on in this childish brain, where does all of this come from?
He sees everything, he knows everything!
We thought that this child is deaf and dumb, sees nothing, hears nothing, knows nothing, feels nothing!
We thought that it has no understanding of normal people like us.
We are normal and this child is crazy!
Is that what you thought, Frederik?
Did you think that, Frederik?
Did you see this mask?
Do you know this mask?
He knows himself, we do not!
He is busy getting to know us?
I got this unexpectedly ... in a stolen moment.
I was waiting. I did not count on anything.
I can wait for days and sit next to his bed, I do not get a word!
You see, Frederik, everything comes in its own good time, it is calculated exactly, I think, that I need it tonight.
Oh, that state of purity.
That because of a fool?
I shall watch out for Peter, little René.
Thank you very much, because I do not like that man either.
We are warned!
This is a mask, but it will reveal itself.
I thank you, little man, and am happy again.
I thank you!
The child is sleeping, Anna is at home, we leave.
Hans is on cloud nine, he floats forwards on the clouds of his paradise and looks at us all, his flock, the unconscious flock of a town, of which we are all particles and yet do not want to have anything to do with.
Hans experiences divine happiness.
I have to say: Hansi is a beauty!
A slim figure, a bit taller than Erica, blond, sharp grey-blue eyes, twinkling, but shy.
A modern woman.
She could have been a film star.
That breaks everything!
Hans, oh, Hans ... already flows from me, where are your human, male, psychological eyes?
Hansi wears her clothes like a queen.
I got a shock, because I saw silver-white sandals on her feet.
She has not yet earned them, I know that ... I do not want to see any rain, any trouble, nothing but good, but it is very obvious, and what do you do then?
All the doctors are there whom we were able to get to know over the years.
About fifty people together, a huge crowd, the finery, a suburban or university mentality together, whom I walk amongst, sometimes making conversation in order not to lose the honoured contact.
Good God, what books I see.
What a lot you could tell about all those people.
Now it will certainly not become gossip, it will be wisdom, if I am able to tear off all these masks.
Look, there is Tippy as well.
She is just as beautiful as Hansi.
I now have to admit that Erica is simplicity itself.
Ten Hove follows her everywhere, he knows his little dove.
I do not yet understand that these two are still together.
They should have suffered a shipwreck long ago.
He holds the rudder straight, she should have put the wagtail on a little rock long ago, just like that in the middle of the little ocean.
Ten Hove comes over to me and asks me about the horses.
They have found a name now.
I am really curious.
I wait, but he stutters out of sheer happiness.
‘What do you think, Frederik?’
I think of nothing.
‘They are called ...
Fleuris and Roosje.’
I have to hold myself back so that I do not laugh right in his face.
‘Wonderful, really extraordinary’, I manage to say and I was immediately faced with my own mask.
If only I had told him straight to his face that I thought it was absolute nonsense.
Fleuris and Roosje?
I do not even ask who rides Fleuris.
I left him standing.
I clung too confidently to something else.
He understood me and went to tell someone else.
I can hear him from the corner where I am standing.
He is talking about Fleuris and Roosje, people laugh scornfully, the worst thing there is.
He just has enough sense to feel it, how far people can go, otherwise these people would be ignored.
Since he walks round in a white coat through the municipal hospital, people put up with this family.
How pathetic.
Just give me a street sweeper, a workman, it does not matter who it is, I do not like these people!
Peter pours me a drink.
That is Peter ...
Little René.
This man, this life, this soul is called Peter.
This is the very same Peter.
Did Hans think that he is rid of little Peter?
That this Peter would let himself be cast aside on a little dyke just like that?
I know a lot this evening, I see a lot today, I have not seen these people before.
Peter behaves in a really friendly manner, but that is his make-up, which is sent straight to me from his deep inner life.
I also see a ‘bowler hat’ there, on amazingly clearly, a mask.
It is betrayal!
Where did you get that from, Frederik?
Peter has gone again.
I see other masks.
There are some which you see through, others which still hide themselves, but the poison flows towards you.
I am just seeing Mrs Van Duin and her husband.
I know: this evening I will not talk about parapsychology, even if I am busy building up my own university.
However, I give myself a lecture this evening.
Shaking hands and ‘farewell’, ‘see you soon’ ...
‘I’ll see you later’ ... ‘bye ... bye’ ... ‘of course’ ... or, ‘we are not leaving for a while’.
However, I live in an underworld, during the day ... I see ties around the necks, chests are decorated, but the patent shoes look reddish ... the white and blue on top and they will be ready!
Did you see that jackal?
Hans’ wine is good, his name is well-known!
Tasty ... fine.
A fortification before dinner.
There you are.
Look for a seat!
Hans has got us.
I am sitting near Erica, fortunately.
That Hans.
However, sitting next to me is ... or I am sitting next to Tippy.
Ten Hove also next to Erica ... we have been double-crossed!
However, that does not matter, Hans, we will make the most of it.
I also read the same glint in Erica’s eye.
They put Karel next to the fattest lady who is here this evening.
A hell for Karel!
Who is that?
Mrs Slievers ...
Her husband is studying to be a professor, like Hans.
He is the supervisor, the inspector for the mental institutions, Tippy tells us and she thinks that she has been friends with this family for such a long time.
Karel swears to himself, he has to look for a mask.
Put on a good one or you will lose yourself from irritation.
I can already see the others with the women.
We experience a great university.
There are all kinds.
I am only missing the theologians and if they were there as well, then we would have had the consciousness and the personality of this rotten humanity together on a visit.
Hansi and Hans are sitting there.
People speak a lot of German.
She is beautiful, she has nicely shaped lips, but I do not like her.
It sounds premature, however, I can only see the good now ...!
Only the good!
They will have had to interpret a great deal of impatience, bad temper and other human matters, these lips of Hansi, as a result of which we get to know the human being.
I can see straight into her face, she is sitting there on the other side and is looking at everything.
Also at me, with consciousness, I feel: we touch each other for a moment, it is a light wind, and she also knows, she does not like me!
These masks are gone!
They tore themselves off completely, there is nothing left of them, she is naked before me.
Now she has to look, feel, think, understand, but she does not have that.
I hear that they have been here already for a fortnight, that they have made a short trip first, saw Naples, spoke to the ‘Heurigen’ in Grinzing, let themselves come to grief at the ‘zum grossen Tor’ in Berlin ...
Observed Paris by night and were able to see the Moulin Rouge type faces, for which Hans paid a lot.
Then home, in order to sleep and prepare themselves for this evening, for a task for this society?
Good heavens, what fun they had.
I know!
Tippy leaves me, I was not much use to her to sit next to.
With all due respect, I was busy releasing myself from her life, now she does it herself and I agree totally with her.
Erica winks.
I send her my silence, she feels it, as a result of which we know!
I now know that everything is fine.
It is not the way to take part, but I cannot help it.
This child, this Tippy, has practically nothing, absolutely nothing which you would want to talk about, there is only emptiness and poverty.
What could interest us gets a city face as a result of her emptiness, goes well-dressed, but has a hole just above the heel of her shoe.
Now fur coats no longer mean anything, nothing, madam, you should have watched out.
Karel will settle with Hans, I do it for myself.
I thought it was a very ordinary move, there was nothing to it, too transparent.
It is silly.
Karel sees it as ... checkmate, but that is really too far fetched, you do not have to make a fuss about it.
However, I know Karel!
Hans doesn’t!
Karel will get him, this is something for his life, as a result of which his very best self has to react.
I do not mind.
Now we are sitting here and there, we run through the house in order to admire Hans’ possessions.
You meet people everywhere.
I talk to everyone and to no one.
Karel comes towards me and says:
‘What did you think of that, Frederik?
I will get him.’
Not a word about Hansi.
You see, I thought, all three of us feel the same.
A nice trick of Hans.
However, the fellow is coming towards me.
‘Frederik, Frederik, how are you?
What do you make of my Hansi?’
We look each other in the eye.
Hans immediately adds, as a result of which I can appreciate him again:
‘If you have something to say to me as one human being to the other, Frederik, wait with it for a while.’
‘Thank you, Hans, you are kind.’
He also asks: ‘Is Karel furious?’
‘I do not think so, we know your tricks.’
‘Exactly the same, you know her.’
‘And you, Frederik?’
‘I will checkmate you ... we will see each other again.
What a pity ... now I see nothing for you, and I had such an opportunity.’
‘Do you mean Hansi?’
‘I have no thoughts, Hans, I am emptiness.’
He drags me along and we have to have a drink together.
I do it.
Then he sees other friends and says something, takes off immediately.
Goodbye, Hans.
The academics are everywhere, wherever you go you are faced with a university and you hear amazing things being treated.
That wisdom falls in your lap just like that, you do not need to do anything for it.
I start to notice that all these gifts are completely worthless or these people would act differently, would have more respect, they would have more love for a human heart; they do not know the soul, the spirit!
What did you expect!
The whole animal kingdom is involved.
I experience amazing operations, but I move ten times, in only five minutes, to the Other Side!
I go to an invisible sleep as a result of the morphine.
I am consciously raped and beaten, they inject me with leprosy ... in order to get better.
I am cured in three days and seven minutes from a stomach haemorrhage with ulcers, it is a miracle!
I am in Paris, New York, in Prague, Vienna, Berlin at the table with the gentlemen, enter operating theatres with them and get to wear a white coat, a mask and am immediately faced with epilepsy, with the simple measles which they do not know now, it appears after a short explanation, the conscious statement by a sovereign.
I now hear that the Russians also want to participate.
However, I see that that Pyramid of Giza is shaking.
We move every moment to other parts of the world, we are amongst the jungles, the swamps, the Singalese, until I hear the word magic and come to stand before that door.
Now they go to pieces, one after another falls!
Did you see that, Frederik?
Did you see those clouts, those cucumbers ...?
I saw them!
I also know them!
And who doesn’t?
We enter a British Indian temple, where we stand and talk to initiates and ‘we’ have to watch out, if we want to rise like buckwheat flour and raisins in a Dutch pot, but where the universal saliva is missing from.
What a tongue, or is it because of the false, Western teeth of the director-doctor?
It could be!
Goodness me, how tired I am!
Where are those academics taking me, why such a hurry, such a terrible fuss?
When I think that peace comes and they all experienced satisfaction, they would finally tell a good joke, it appeared splitting hairs, which did not make anyone move their lips.
When I look properly to see where that dry crackling is coming from, it is the squeaky voice, the wagtail, who thought he should make the people laugh, who thought he should show some of his personality, but which came to nothing, because he was called to order, and that by a single glance of Tippy.
Then Ten Hove lay in the middle of this hall of Hans at her feet and blushed up to his first scalp ...
Thank God, otherwise he would have got a bruise.
Mite, what is your name?
We go through cholera to cancer, move from TB to scarlet fever, oh, mother, from syphilis to the chastity of a woman, from childhood to old age, from the puberty years to the first kiss received as a woman, given as a boy intentionally, from ‘life’ to ‘death’, from soul to spirit, into one mental institution and out of another, we are faced with our own society, with kings and emperors, with tyrants of this humanity, loved ones as well, with workers for the good, with thieves and conscious murderers; we go through whoring to the perfect marriage and are suddenly faced again with Hansi, her first kiss and her lively beauty, which Hans will soon not know what to do about, I think to myself – and know that it is okay!
Again we go under anaesthetic, there is an operation, but, did you expect something different, after all?
Successful ... but ... the death came ... you see, I had nothing, nothing to do with it.
Did you see this mask, Frederik?
They are conscious murderers, they are there, I know, those people are no longer ashamed, but they should have known anyway that there were unconscious people present.
They do not pay any attention to anything, speak, represent their profession, many suffer from a lack of charity!
I do not like sprouts ... the smell of them already makes me nauseous, but all these conscious people are like that!
Oh, Hansi, that Hansi ... do you not hear their goodnight?
I walk amongst all these academics and am disgusted at their empty talk.
I drank a bit more than usual this very night, because I want to experience my silence.
I am then exactly in the mood to see and feel all these people of good will, although I am outside of it.
That is my drink.
Everything used to be different, now I enjoy it.
Before, I must not forget that for myself, I had evenings when I behaved like a rascal, was full of fun and raised hell like a playful child.
This changed the older I became.
Now I feel myself becoming quiet, I have one glass of champagne after the other.
Then the silence, peace, a natural effect comes to my life, it is pure naturalness, I enjoy it now, can think and feel, as pure as the grape in the field prepares itself to serve us.
There is nothing now, nothing which fools people like us, nothing, it is you yourself with yourself, there will never be an argument, you are prepared for everything.
I can already feel the natural halt.
If I now continue, then I will become nauseous, only then do I really get knocked out by everything.
No, just wait, it is not because I myself see cross-eyed, it is definitely not that, I am nauseous from everything around me, it is a sadness which is not of this world.
I now want to do good.
I want to be honest, the feeling also arises in me that I want to pray!
Is this perhaps a gratitude which we do not yet know?
I can consider myself lucky, I also have it without that liquid, this desired feeling, this strength to do something, or I would not even have mentioned it.
There is something to it.
I am and will remain with my wits about me, I am now under anaesthetic.
If I follow that anaesthetic, then I see myself somewhere else.
I am now walking in a beautiful countryside, wear silk ... silk ... taste yourself what this flavour is like.
I think that, if people taste this, I will immediately sell all my little pounds of fruit: these ladies and gentlemen, however, do not know how to peel these fruits of Him!
We go back to Egypt.
It will be a wonderful journey.
We experience, I can already hear it, the anatomy of ancient Egypt, they talk about zootomy, a part of something else, we go as far as Abraham, where we ask for the biblical mustard, which Abraham, it must be understood, did not know.
However, they know that by heart; when it appears that the scalpel cuts open another reality, they shrug their shoulders and it is the simplest thing which they can do here.
Are these men?
Are these people?
Do these lives have feeling?
Are we their victims or are they as a result of another self?
You could give them what for!
It is a great disaster, they are mucky and no longer have the light in their eyes to open the secured life.
They cut completely off the mark!
As a result of a button which they have turned in their brains, they place me and one or two others somewhere else to face polio.
You would think that this was a familiar phenomenon for these gentlemen, but that is not true, they all agree that it is something completely different.
But what, what is it!
I hear father Abraham again ... proof that there are some who get heightened feelings as a result of alcohol, because this points all of us in the direction of the undesirable; what a pity that we miss the theologian or I would also experience a circus.
What a pity, but it would be too much of a good thing.
Did you think, Frederik, that you had already worked it out?
We suddenly dash from polio to imposed hypnosis, to, that is close by, apparently, looks already around the corner at the academics, softening of the brain, and finally, how can it be, yet worthwhile and completely justifiable, the sexual desires of people, animals, dogs and cats, nature.
Then Freud was in our midst.
My God, how you are destroyed by this horrible group of people.
How those dogs got Your son!
My God, will You shrug, or will You shrug ... Your shoulders even longer?
I am trembling, I could murder them for Your will, if mine has no significance.
People with sight are blinded here!
You see healthy people become ill before your eyes!
They destroy, they sully what is good, they inject their poison and decay and send it home.
Who is still to come?
I look at Erica and Karel, this moment is spot-on and means something.
However, if those insolent dogs had carried on talking, then we would definitely feel where they wanted to go, Erica was already blushing, Karel trembled inside, then I would have put something of my life in their glasses and they would immediately have walked towards a move of soul, because I could never approve of these ladies and gentlemen mocking the suffering and sorrow of my friends, another person.
However, they avoid the dangerous part, they saw eyes flickering, Erica’s anxious look and fidgeting as well, Karel’s farmer’s neck on top of that.
Afterwards they just picked up their oars and chose the sea in order to prevent being stranded.
They intended to conquer hearts, as blood thirsty as they are, they try all kinds of things, but this, no, halt, I tell all of you, not a single step further or there will be accidents!
We are now stuck with Hans’ institution.
Hans himself is not there, he does not want anything to do with madness.
He now leads the honoured conversation round to himself, to his possession; the white coats and masks make place or are tidied away for the noble horse.
We are already on top of it!
Tippy and the wagtail now get their chance, they may say something.
They are already asking how much a nag like that costs.
Just look at Tippy, I find her genuine and can now forgive her a lot, her awkwardness is so natural.
Just look at Ten Hove, he remains a fuss and emptiness.
No, I never want to see them again.
The horses are already in the stable, the fun is over, we now cut into human souls!
They are now talking about bigamy, then follows the talk about being married to two men simultaneously, it all fits together, it is a complete whole.
Men and women suddenly no longer trust each other.
I see again ... other masks, masks, you can now pick them out one by one, those who have tasted some of that darkness or made light of it.
Just look quietly, little lips and lips tremble, shake from satisfaction, smack their lips as well.
Eyes ... staring and blurred, I see splits, conscious, there are razor-sharp ones, from behind which the human peeks at you ... raped is clearer.
The men sniff, I also hear female cries, softened by the world’s beauty, shoes, silk, beads, unrivalled showing-off, whistling incense, which burns your eyes, everything is so false, so unreal, this is imitation-happiness!
Karel is a saint in comparison to all these defiled people ... Karel is a god, if I follow him like this and experience his feelings.
He would not think, he could not, he has his knife in his hands openly exposed and warns his patients, it will hurt a little, a bit, but I am only a human being after all.
If He wants to control my hands?
Then everything will be possible!
So you see, Erica, you gain a lot of knowledge at a party like that.
Here you can make distinctions, here you can see what you have and what you still lack, all of that is there for the taking.
This is your gutter!
Here in the house you are standing in it!
All those white frills show you the way, you see!
Did you also see the snakes?
Did you see those white crocodiles, those polished jackals, also those poisonous butterflies dressed in silk?
Are you not pleased, not really happy, that you just put on your little black dress?
I thought so!
How beautiful you are, you beat them anyway!
The wagtail cannot help it, you also forgive Tippy a lot, she is natural.
Did you see the brown one there with his white coat on?
Look ... the corpses are already following him, you can smell them!
It is just like a greedy pen which is leaking, but wants to tell about that filth.
Can you see those women, these women as well?
I can see them!
Karel as well, he now knows!
The gentlemen look through your clothes!
They are worries, a helpless carry-on, a nobleman who is dying.
What does the baroness wish to say?
I would rather look for it elsewhere.
Karel is here as a prophet, Karel is a real doctor.
He still has moments when he consciously behaves like a farmer, but he will get over it, it is receding.
I live this evening in a continual tale of woe.
Everything which I experience is exasperatingly false, as mean as what we are fighting against and awaits us at home.
Hans takes part.
Look, he wants to talk to me, will it be about Hansi?
Watch out, Frederik, he will provoke you, now not a word about his child.
Peter also comes.
Does sir require anything else?
No, thank you, not now.
‘And, Frederik?
A bit muggy this evening?
Are you not taking part in the analysis of our existence, of the universe, corpse and life?’
‘The main thing, Hans, is that I am here.
No more than that.’
‘Frederik, I had not expected such a solution.’
‘Probably, but I do not take part in black magic.
I do stay informed until the last minute about what is said.
This conviction, Hans, was lying in your gutter last week.
Peter will not think of picking it up, but I know, goldfish like titbits.’
‘Where is this leading?’
‘To that concoction, Hans, we are drinking, aren’t we?’
Karel and Erica join us.
We are alone for a moment.
Now Hansi also comes.
Hansi tries to ignore us.
Erica is furious.
Karel is not bothered.
She knows us very well!
Hans has drawn a complete picture of us.
What a pity – what a great bustard.
Hansi is pretending, but the mask is very simple.
She is playful, behaves childishly and, Hans has fallen for it.
However, she has been all over the world.
She has seized her chance, no more than that.
This will become a huge drama, I would stake my life for it.
We are sitting.
Hans orders and we have a drink.
We do not hear René, Hans ignores the child.
Hansi already knows about René.
I can see that from her look.
What comes to me is familiarity, a family feeling, but I am not a relative.
She knows us and we know her.
If she had not known us, then we would not have known her either.
Now she and we fall for it, but because of Hans ... he is the guilty party.
We sit together for about half an hour and talk about things which mean nothing.
Hansi is getting a horse, they will go horse-riding together.
No, we no longer have any horses, we have worries.
I will also sell mine.
Hans already makes an offer, but he will not get Sientje.
Sientje will be well-off.
I start to feel so nauseous again.
We try to be happy and wish Hans and Hansi every happiness.
Also the others, who come and stand around our table, take part.
It ends by us going home and then this wedding is in the past.
We sit at our own fireplace, Karel has opened a bottle of wine.
‘This one tastes good’, he says, ‘it gives you peace.’
That is true.
Now you will hear it.
We are completely convinced.
Hansi is an actress, and one of the old school.
She throws kind-hearted words about and she does not mean any of it.
She is a false character.
‘Oh, no’, Erica says, ‘not because she is beautiful, can be charming, I can see it immediately.
I really do not know how.
I am not carving my way through this life, however, I am worried about Hans.’
Karel says:
‘My God, is there nothing else in this world?
Must you just meet with this person amongst millions of women.
Cheers, Erica, cheers, to René, to his health.’
We swallow, we taste the flavour of our sacred bond, we know that it is not that.
We have learned a lot this evening.
Oh, poor Hans.
I do not hope that you get that disappointment.
However, what are we actually interfering in?
It is Karel who comes forward with it.
We talk a bit more, eyes begin to flicker, bodies feel exhausted.
Is it the soul?
What is tiredness, being tired?
Who is tired, the soul or the spirit, the organism?
Why do you have to go to sleep again, Frederik?
I sat down and wrote:
Hansi was a disappointment to me, and I cannot help it.
Karel and Erica have the same opinion as I do.
They also feel something.
I also know what those others saw.
Hans needs lots of friends in order to put Hansi at ease.
Those friends are there.
He should have lived with her on the Nile ... not here in this climate, that soul is dying.
However, I do not know.
I hope that I bury myself ... bury myself ...
Strange ... that burying definitely wanted to be written down.
I analyse it.
I hope that I bury myself ... bury myself ... again that word wants to be written, it dominates me.
What is it?
I will certainly not bury myself.
Who will bury himself?
What will be buried?
Where do these thoughts come from?
I will stop for this evening, this night.
I am going to sleep.
René is calm ...
I wish everyone goodnight ...
Good heavens, what masks I saw ... masks, masks ... they were wearing bow-ties, I only saw one sandal.
Do you feel where?
Do you now understand what ghosts are?
All these people haunt.
All those people wear beautiful garments and wear masks.
I saw a few masks which had many murders on their conscious and yet were free.
When you see through such a conscious fool that all is pure nonsense, means decay and destruction, you tremble and shake of such a party, for those people who are so stylish.
Now the phenomenon becomes a problem and a lunatic is able to say natural things, for which an academic has built a faculty, although he does not know the fool.
Can you understand it?
That same fool warns us against Peter ... against many more things.
He is more conscious than we think, only our society is abnormal.
Talk to such a crowd of masks about supernatural giftedness and they declare you to be mad, they put their feet on your body, your soul and your spirit, and they wipe them on you.
You just have to accept that?
It is they who think that they know the Divine universe through and through.
However, did you see that emptiness?
Now that it is over, that I saw and was able to get to know those faces, a feeling of fear for Hans creeps over me.
I cannot change anything, I feel it.
When such a deadly mask speaks to you, then you are faced with your own stroke and those gentlemen do exactly what they want with your soul, your bliss and your body.
When you are lying on their operating table, then gather all your strength to escape, or you will die under their knife.
I heard shocking things there.
Yet they are very simple operations!
But you are butchered.
The mask did it!
The gall bladder called out loud: keep your hands off the liver, because it is not that.
They do not even hear it.
They anaesthetise you and begin to cut, a moment later they conclude that you are bleeding empty.
The mask sees nothing of where it came from.
Does such a mask know the depth of the blood circulation, of every tissue with regard to the actual life?
I do not think so.
What nice things I just said again.
They are rotters, to drive all those lively children of God to death.
A small spider crawls over the logbook, I do nothing to that little creature.
Within me arises: ‘Spider at night, bring me luck and delight ...’ or is it something else, I don’t mind that either.
When the little creature has crawled off the book I close it.
It is just enough for today and this evening.
I write ... we live in 1900 and something, it is one and half hours after the party of Hans, who has bought a pig in a poke, but does not yet know.
In the poke that animal has already started screaming, but he did not hear it.
Only we heard the screaming, all those others wear masks and closed themselves off to it.
However, there is trouble in store.
My eyes are closing, I am not suitable for dreams just now.
God of all life, grant that I am wrong.
I want the best for Hans, also for her, but the mask is there!
In Paris you can buy many new things for ten francs and you can make sparks fly.
Hans let it happen, but was mechanically analysed and then his eyes closed.
This medal, Frederik, has two sides, I saw that the other side appeared to be untouched.
This is meant for someone else, you will see.
Little René, there were no flowers this evening, but that does not matter, the seed for it is already germinating in our hearts.
I see the daisies, the forget-me-nots for your beautiful, but difficult life.
We will go through the misery to the happiness for all people.
I wish you satisfaction and truth, there is no more for the moment.
We will still try to keep faith, but it is difficult!