Frederik, do you think that this is the right one?
‘IN SO FAR AS every thought, conscious or unconscious, represents its own world’, as it says in my diary, ‘and gives a will to the soul, personality, must be able to be explained, where it began thinking and feeling for this society.’
I already found that a few times in the book ... the answer is not there and will not come either for the time being.
Despite that, I am laying my foundations, I am continuing.
René has brightened up a bit, behaves very ordinarily again and is a bit apathetic now and again.
However, we do not yet know what he gets up to in his sleep.
We know what he wants in his sleep, because yesterday morning he asked Karel:
‘What would you think, Father, if I was to start drawing and painting?’
You would swear that this child is neither mad nor apathetic.
However, what follows:
‘You can fool someone else with that, not me.’
Karel was smoking a good cigar, just lit.
He throws the cigar away and wants to get René.
René runs into the garden, Karel goes after him, back into the house, upstairs, into his room, door locked.
Karel is left standing.
‘I order you to open the door.
Open the door, René, open the door!!!’
The door remains closed.
Karel goes downstairs and climbs in through a window.
When he reaches the windowsill he sees his child.
René is lying in bed, he is already sleeping.
Karel looks and continues looking, he hears:
‘I will become a painter.
I will become a sketch artist.
I will sketch and paint, won’t I, Father?’
Karel thinks that he is being taken for a ride, he dashes over to the bed and shakes the strange boy awake.
Clearly awake, because the child was sleeping.
He looks the lad in the eye, his eyes are still asleep.
He controls himself and puts the child down.
When he comes downstairs he lights a new cigar and thinks.
After an hour, he says:
‘Is that a lunatic, Frederik?
Can you understand that soul?
I believe that I could have been violent.
I am pleased that I did not do that.
However, where in the world does that sleep come from?
Could that mad Vanduin with his hypnotic sleep be right after all?
I have no words for it.
What is hypnotism actually, Frederik?’
‘That is a person who goes into a sleep through another’s will.
That sleep’, just rolls from my mouth, ‘was enforced, enforced by a will, a will which forces, which dominates, which becomes one, I believe, with that other will, of which we do not yet know anything about.
That is hypnotism!’
‘Get lost, Frederik!’
‘Thank you, doctor, thank you very much!’
We do not get any further.
I do not know either what a hypnotic sleep means, but I do know that René sinks away into a sleep just like that and now no longer knows anything about this world.
It used to be called polio!
Now we are already so advanced that we go to hypnotic sleep and ask honestly and sincerely what kind of man he really is.
Are the cards open on the table?
We are not playing poker, but poking ... sawing into a person, but we do not get one piece off him, he is such a tough person.
‘I do not know’, it says in the book.
I will probably never get to the bottom of it, because it is an extremely strange word.
I do know however that it is exactly in that sleep that Rene is the happiest.
He dreams and he knows more than during the day.
When he is in such a sleep, he talks and thinks better and is then, at least according to Anna, just like a sacred boy.
When he is asleep he is not upset, I would almost say: when asleep he is as he should be here, but that is just not possible, it would be too good to be true for all of us.
I think that only then will we understand that terrible God and He therefore did not make so much distinction between His children.
Now Corry goes to the madhouse.
Another just lives wildly, Corry has succumbed.
She does not go to Hans, but somewhere else, there where they mostly stay. Hans has made an interim gallery out of it, he thinks that those people must have that, a passageway before they disappear for good from society.
Must René also go there, Anna asks.
I cannot bear thinking about it.
Frederik, I think that I will become an arsonist then.
Again I read: In so far as the thought belongs to us, possesses daily consciousness, I would like to know where that strange sleep comes from which overcomes René just like that.
Ah ... Karel called out, I have worked it out.
We were looking in the wrong direction.
How can it be, that I never thought of that.
Then it came, epilepsy!
Precisely, but he was not bothered by that a few years ago.
Let us have a look, Karel, we have not known about it for very long.
You could not have done anything for it yet.
Karel has already started.
We will fight the illness, he says, I will do what I can and I will leave the rest to you!
Exclamation mark, and twice!!’
It was enough for today.
I go on a visit.
Hans is already at home.
We sit again where we have already talked to each other so much, in front of the fire.
The box of cigars is next to me, he immediately pours a large glass of wine.
‘For your nerves, Frederik.
You need some fortification, I hear.
A madhouse like that demands a lot from you.
Did you hear the gossip?
Do you hear what people say about it?’
Nothing can be done about it, but it is miserable.
You could give them what for.
‘The respected public, Frederik.
Just let that monster get hold of something, it knows how to skin you.
Tell me what the state of affairs is.
You know that I am away a lot now.’
I know, I have known for so long.
I drink, quickly empty the glass and fill my glass again, which goes the same road as the first one.
It has given me a thirst, I notice. Hans also notices it and he says:
‘It comes from the tension there, Frederik.
You should really get out.
You must be sick for a long time now of playing nurse maid, mustn’t you?’
‘I can cope with it, Hans.’
And then: ‘I enjoy it.’
‘Are you trying to kid me, Frederik, that this is still a spiritual child prodigy?
Surely you must have gone back on those words long ago.
I think that I have won the bet.
It is a good one.
Do you not know what people are saying?’
‘Do you respond to that, Hans?’
‘Not me, but there is a limit after all, Frederik.’
‘Of course, there is a limit and we see that limit every day.
But what do you want?
For me to believe that this child came into this world through messing about?
I can hear and see everything, Hans.
Erica as well, but she does not know everything.
Should I, should you respond to gossip?
Tomorrow it will be my child.
Tomorrow it will be the child of Anna and me and the Wolffs have nothing to do with it.
Anna was not bothered by it, even if Erica was expecting, she brought the child into the world for Anna and me, people have forgotten her pregnancy again.
How can it be.
Cheers, Hans, give me another glass.
I have not had such a good glass of wine for ages.’
‘You are drying out there, Frederik.’
However, I believe that it is you who is exhausted quicker than I, it is you who has reached the dead point before us.
Man, what a lot we are learning!’
‘From that gossip and your lunatic?’
‘From the flowers, Hans, from all those forget-me-nots, which I had not seen anymore for such a long time.
They are miracles!’
‘I no longer believe in it.
I have to admit that.
I now know for certain that you are going to pieces.’
‘And you got that certainty because you have a girlfriend?’
Hans looks at me.
He rummages in his pockets and finds nothing.
Finally he finds his treasure again.
This – to put it bluntly – is called completely wrong!
If you do not know where love is, it is not love.
You will see, Frederik.
‘Is that the right one, Frederik?
Do you think, Frederik, that this is the right one?’
I look at the little face.
I let slip:
‘Wie die Nacht am Rhein ...
Trink eine für das Herz und küss mich ...!’
Hans fell for it.
‘I do not know’, I said, ‘just work it out for yourself.’
‘I think that I shall marry her, Frederik ...
Completely ... she and I.
What do you think?’
‘I do not know.
I do not have any understanding of women.
One thing I can see, her left eye is different to her right.
That is all.
In my opinion her hair is too stiffly curled, but she has a nice face, I have to say.’
Hans knows that he will get no more from me.
He has changed through love!
It is his business.
We are now strangers to each other, but remain friends.
René has gone out of his brains?
There is still the Wolff family, me as well, Anna as well.
He is on the run.
Yet he asks:
‘What do you think of René, Frederik?
Is it true that Karel has discovered epilepsy?
He talked about it.
Do you think that this is what it is?
Then we are all victims.
I tell you that you will be able to bring him here soon.
It is the very best thing, believe me, then you will be rid of all that misery.
For that matter, that child no longer belongs at home.
We built institutions for that purpose.
They are well-off here, we know how to treat those lives.
Laymen do not understand it.
This work is extremely difficult, we rack our brains out with problems, what do you hope to achieve?
Just talk to Karel about it, Frederik, or not, I will do it myself.’
‘Thank you, professor, thank you ...
Just pour another drink.’
Hansi is still lying on the table ...
Hansi this and Hansi that, but Hansi has already been lying on the table for an hour and Hans ... the man in this portrait , does not see it.
Hansi and Hans, that will become one life, one soul, one feeling?
He cannot fool me with this, not me.
Hansi is already floating from the drips we have spilt, but Hansi is still lying there.
When I see that Hansi is floating, I look at it for him ... that will help.
Hansi moves to his left pocket.
Hansi is safe there, Hans believes; I approve of it!
Hansi is from a colleague ...
A German beauty, she lives in Leipzig, where he now has to go again.
And he will lay his last foundations there for the professorship!?
I don’t mind, he will make it.
He studies there, he loves there and he will become happy there with Hansi.
He is getting married to a name.
Not to a woman, Hans is getting married to a name, you will see, but I won’t tell him.
Yet a power reaches my soul, which resists it.
What do you see in Hansi, this mask asks me.
Tell him, for later, do you see?
Hans pours another drink.
It is a good French wine.
‘What do you make of Hansi, Frederik?’
‘Look, my friend.
I do not want to interfere, but now that you ask me again, I will tell you honestly. She is not the right woman for you!’
He laughs too loudly and too sarcastically, as a result of which I know that it is already too late.
It is Hansi!
I hear that they really only started to call her Hansi because the two names went so well together.
She is called Trude ...
Trude is now called Hansi and Hans is crazy about her. Hans is already under her thumb, but Hans does not know that.
He is too regal for that.
Too rich as well.
I do not think Hansi or Trude is the woman for a doctor.
What Hans will soon throw out, Hansi will take in again.
Hansi will make her own yacht club out of it, Hansi will make a bowling alley out of it, when Hans is not there Hansi will make a bar of it with many colleagues around, because Hansi cannot cope with being alone for long, Hansi is a first class dancer. Hansi will betray Hans, she will sell Hans, she is already driving in his cars, walking in his clothes, smelling of his perfumes ... doing a bit of roller skating for Hans and winking ... when the lamp is no longer there.
That is all, but I say it very differently.
‘It is your own business ...
Hans ... I do not think she is suitable for you.’
‘Why not, Frederik?’
‘Because she is not your type of character.’
‘Don’t make me laugh.
We match completely.
It is a pity that you do not see this.
It is a pity, but I will work it out for myself, Frederik.
I do not blame you.
I can take it from you, but any one else could not have said that to me.
That is just the way I am.
I love her as I love myself.
She and no one else.
Do you know that?’
"I know, Hans, and I am joining in."
We have another drink and then I just leave.
Hans notices that he has lost me.
He makes an effort to approach me.
‘Which phenomena did you discover yourself, Frederik?
I mean those of a few months back.’
‘There is nothing, Hans.
We have a lunatic in the house and we just have to accept that.
Our paths go separate ways and have no space.
I go my way and you go your own way, but there are no phenomena.
Yet I would like to tell you: watch out for your temper!
Watch out for your temper, Hans.
You have changed recently.
I think that it is because the life is awakening.
When people like us become older, everything in us comes to the fore.
Don’t you think so?’
‘I accept that, Frederik.
I have become more hot-tempered.
It does not matter whether that is a personal characteristic or whether I have become more hot-tempered because of my work, I am short-tempered.
I cannot take much.
I tremble sometimes.
I think that I am already jealous.
I had never thought that I could be like that, now I believe it.
When you get something as beautiful as this, you automatically become jealous.
I shall fight against it, Frederik, but I am.
What do you think of me in general, Frederik?’
I gave him everything and said:
‘Tougher, more empty, smaller, and a bit of a boaster as well, that comes from your learning.
I think, Hans, that you have become extremely learned.
You will now know all about it, won’t you?’
‘Are you looking for an argument?’
‘God preserve me, Hans.
Do you not feel learned?
Are you not busy now reaching the highest?
Have you forgotten your little Frederik?
Do you remember this house, do you still feel anything about the time when we talked about René?
No, just do not try kidding me about that!’
‘Do you mean Hansi, Frederik?’
‘Whether I mean your Hansi?
What makes you think that.
I do not even know how to pronounce a name like that.
Is it Hansi or Hánsi ... do you have to put the accent on the I?
One thing I do know, Hans.
You are a good deal on your way.
I do not know you anymore.
At least I miss that other person, but that is because of the love.
I am very happy for you, but watch out for your temper, little Hans ... watch out for your temper, or accidents will happen.’
A moment later I see the old Hans before me.
‘Do you definitely think that you will be proved right, Frederik?
That René is ahead of all of us after all?
That this is something which we do not yet know?
That he has supernatural capacities?
That he forgets all of us, that he is busy confronting you and me, Karel and Erica with the fact, which will lead us to super-sensory perception?
Are there also phenomena which still get scientific significance outside of my institution?
Or is he an ordinary lunatic, a sick person, an infallible uncertainty to me?
Do you think that change will come for the better?
But no, I tell you, Frederik, that he is incurable, and I mean it!
Karel also says so, we are expecting him.
I have not seen him lately but I heard it on the street.
Are you trying to kid me, Frederik, that this child is himself?
I am not talking about gossip, I am not talking about God and His justice, about praying and charity, you know that I see everything differently.
We are stuck with all this misery.
We no longer ask whether He possesses more of this kind, we do not add any more notes, you will not get an answer anyway.
We no longer need an answer to this, it is pretty obvious, Frederik.
I am expecting this child, unfortunately, there is no other way!’
‘In other words ... nature sends him straight into your hands.
Consciously or unconsciously, you are expecting him.
Eloquently or deaf and dumb, you are expecting him.
Good or bad, you are expecting him.
What is subconscious actually, Hans?’
‘Do you have to ask me that?
We do not know.
Anyway, you are asking for the well-known way, Frederik.’
‘In my opinion, you will then end up in the madhouse.
The subconscious is still unknown for the moment.
I am telling you now that we live each day under and above it and that is through that lunatic of ours.
However, you have nothing to do with it.
Neither does Karel, Erica makes soup from it, drinks her tea ... you will marry through it.
I wish you good luck, all the best, Hans, we will hear from you later.
Greetings to Hansi.
Will we be allowed to greet her?
Will we soon see her love?
Good luck ... and greetings to Vienna, because you will probably also go there.’
I am walking in the woods.
Oh, that Hans.
I continue to walk.
I have not walked for a while, at least not in the night.
It does me good.
I am worried about Hans.
How he has changed.
He is now hot-tempered.
When nature awakens, the life starts to speak, the personality behaves strangely.
He is a rascal.
Hans is entering a second youth.
Oh, how dangerous it is!
Not for me.
I am starting to feel that strange things will happen.
For all of us.
They are truths of life, are they not?
I still have to research that.
What still is asleep in us at a young age, reaches awakening when the body also, that is according to Mother Nature, grows, wakens up.
I believe that only then do we get to know our self.
Before it is not possible and our ‘yes’, our love means nothing.
Tomorrow we will be different again.
I consider my own case.
The fruits only come when a tree is mature.
Then you still have to wait and see if you can eat them.
However, they are there!
Is a person different?
We are the tree ourselves!
The fruits are the character traits.
One by one they reach growth and blossom.
They are there and they are not there!
We do not know them, because we are much more ourselves than we think we possess.
People like us are soul, spirit and life, and material!
That is the mask which we look at.
Tree ... who are you?
Hans is descending, completely dissolved.
The one which is sitting in front of me is a dead ordinary street dog, has nothing to do with a real breed.
Everyone knows this type.
How many parents have not lost their children because of it?
If they start themselves, those parents have nothing more to say.
Advice is unnecessary, they are blind.
We are going to meet the sufferer consciously or unconsciously.
He calls himself a psychologist.
He is also a psychiatrist and will soon be a professor.
I shall watch out that he does not get René.
Hans will not get our René.
René will not be a guinea pig for Hans.
I understand that Karel does not think of it, thinks it is very ordinary.
He does not see through this Hans.
For that matter, that is not possible for an academic.
René will get better ...
René is a miracle, and even if disastrous times come, we will make it.
However way they see it, I will be proved right after all, despite everything!
They will see and have to accept it.
I will be proved right!
Nature tells me: ‘That is the way it will be, Frederik.
But did you see that, little René?
Did you see that?’
I thank You!
Even if there are few letters to deliver, I thank You!
Just help me to worry.
I will continue to watch out that I do not become too old.
I want to stay like a child and that will save me!
All of us!
When I come home, Karel and Erica are sitting waiting for me.
They want to know how Hans is.
Fine, he has to go to Leipzig and he is thinking of coming back with Hansi.
‘What?’, Erica asks.
‘Is he looking for it there?’
‘I suspect that you will see her soon.
That clairvoyant just did not see the time.
I think, if you ask me ... but I would rather not say a word about it ...!’
‘Come on, Frederik, continue.’
‘Erica, these are things which do not concern a sensible person.
Once more I do not know what Karel thinks about it.
On my part, I think about it.
I wanted to say that some clairvoyants have lucky shots after all, they only have to, at least in my opinion, not look at what they think about it themselves, it is also feeling, I believe, but they must let the clock work better, it is behind.
They see and feel at the same time ... and that is completely natural, but in this case either they feel wrong or they are completely blind and just talk nonsense.
That clock ... yes, that clock ... that timepiece, I wanted to know about it, I believe for certain that we would then see the drama!
Yet then it is no longer something human.
Or in other words ... you are dizzy.
However, it will be a drama!
For heaven’s sake, do no talk about it, Hans would kill me.
I do not like talking about friends.
You will see, it will be a little drama!’
‘How are you so certain, Frederik?’
It is Karel.
‘Well, doctor, do you think that you would receive happiness if Erica here was a lion tamer?’
‘Is that other girl with the circus?’
‘A university woman with the airs and graces of a trapeze artist, if I am saying it properly, which will now become nobility.
I can already see Peter ... ‘Oh my sweet pleasure, where are we going to?’
Do you believe in supernatural miracles, which are lying in the street just like that?
No, neither does Hans.
He therefore took the craziest of all, also the most banal, the worst.
Also the most beautiful ... if you wish to see it like that, it is okay with me.
I am trembling from that strong coffee.
I do not want to burn my eyes, hurt my heart, and I am trembling from the unexpected cold ... I would rather go!
The man is blind, the soul is deaf and his spirit flutters, is a day instinct ... without knowing it.
He does not know!
I am no clairvoyant!
However, it will be his death!
Oh, that Hansi!
Well, you will see her soon.
Now no more gossip, I meant well.
I also told him but he did not hear me.
That is not strange, just look at yourselves, we always hear mistakes; nice things ... Now, now, that is how people like us are.
You will feel inside what you think of it, if you can hear the natural ticking of it.
I really meant it well, but you cannot help children, especially not if they are over forty.
Now he is walking in sandals, but they are made of lead, and there are holes in them, they are shabby, I believe.
If I could have seen them clearly, I would have made a drawing of them.
Interpreted into words it is called: just sink away in a mud bath like that, one day the state of purity will come but then you will have nothing to do with it.’
Karel does not say a word and I do not accept that.
I also say:
‘One thing, Karel, I am not talking about friends, this is my science!
I am telling you from a scientific inner life.
To you that sounds inhuman, but it is under your feet, and if we are not careful, we will break our own self every second because of it.
They are shards!
It has nothing to do with graphology, nor parapsychology, it is the feeling of a completely sober human child.
No more, but not a gram less either.
Now blossom falls.’
‘Light another cigarette, Frederik.
Do you want something else to drink?’
‘Pour what you have, it has made me thirsty.’
His wine is excellent.
I now know that Karel will never speak to Hans about it, otherwise he would already have phoned him by tomorrow and that must not happen.
Now everything is okay, even if Karel does not believe anything anymore from me.
I must no longer talk to him about child prodigies, he would kill me immediately, and that is understandable.
We sit for a while, quietly, thinking.
Suddenly, how can it be, we hear a terrible screaming.
Anna rushes into the room.
Before she can say a word, I am already upstairs.
It is René.
The child is standing straight up in bed and is playing the fool.
He is dancing like a real lunatic might do.
Strength is needed to keep that up; he manages it.
We look at him, all of us have to admit that this child is a lunatic.
His eyes are on his forehead, they have come out of the sockets.
‘Of course, that is because of your damned medicine.’
Anna falls onto a chair, she has collapsed.
René dances until he is tired out, throws himself on his side and falls asleep.
That is all.
We are sitting downstairs again. Anna is already in bed, under her own strength she gained consciousness.
‘I am at the end of my tether.
I do not know anymore.
I give up, I now give into everything.
I will not do anything anymore.
I cannot do anything anymore.
You are right.
I will no longer be violent, I flatly refuse.’
Then maternal advice also follows and it is my turn to speak.
I have to give my opinion.
What do I think?
‘René is mentally exhausted.
He is still not over the terrible fight with the boys.
It will take a while yet.’
‘Where did you get that certainty from again, Frederik?’
‘I am not a doctor, Karel, you know that, yet there is something which tells me it is fine.
I tell you: it is relaxation.
Do not worry.
You know that this child is not normal, I mean, is different to the other children.
Since he thinks differently, this child reacts differently, cannot deal with such emotions in one day or two days.
Now that there does not need to be any fighting, he just dances.
However, it is not him, it is the life, the working, the nature.
Who knows what we will still experience.
Perhaps we will also get to see art.
What would you say to a dancer?
I do not know for certain, but is this so unnatural?
We will just go to bed.’
I am in my room.
Anna comes to have a look.
‘What do you think, Frederik?’
‘Just let him dance, Anna.
He has to dance until he is tired out, then he cannot do anybody any harm with his excess strength.
I am telling you: it is relaxation.
Do not worry, Anna, we will carry on.
Just go to sleep, I will watch out.
Now go, Anna, go!
Do you not yet want to?
Why are you hesitating so much?
Do you still want to talk?
There is definitely nothing!’
How beautiful Anna has become.
Yet I would not dare to kiss her now.
I believe for certain that she would faint again, and would not regain consciousness for weeks.
It is so serious.
I am really starting to feel that we need all our strength.
However, René will make it!
My diary says:
‘Hans is descending!
Hans is stupid!
Hans is a bungler!
Hans has bolted!
Hans is in a bad way, because Hans does not know that he has come home with a black stallion, although he left home with a white one.
The windows shake, it is cold in the house, but all the fires are burning.
He tries to find it through his wine ...!!
Anna has become love.
Her soul is like mine!
In between us we see René!
They are three trees ... all three in blossom.
God knows that we mean well, Christ as well!
I will now pay a bit more attention to her.
Oh, how good it will be.
I think that she says from within, calls to me: ‘You will never leave, will you?’
Then I fell asleep.
Yet I could still hear ...
Not me, I will never leave of my own accord, never ... I believe, I now know!
But then what, if we awaken in a wrong direction?
I can see a coffin and candles, they are burning, one of them refuses to give light ... as long as that is not me myself ... you would become afraid of your word, your feelings, your thoughts.
There is silence ... peace.